2178. Dating in Mid-life — Part D2: You All Differ

In the realm of describing men to you, we start with how you differ. Let it shape your thinking as we later move into describing how to interact with men.

Men don’t love as you do. Both sexes are born hard-headed. However, you’re born soft-hearted and he’s born hard-hearted. Unless you allow yourself to be totally dominated, your soft-heartedness enables you to lure him into a long courtship/marriage that softens his hard-headedness, which over time with aging mellows his persona into Mr. Right.

Boil love down to one operative term and you find that yours is affection, his is loyalty. But notice too, that’s what you primarily expect from the other but not what the other prefers to deliver. Men sense little duty to deliver affection unless trained better by you. Women prefer to deliver love, affection, and closeness, which men don’t appreciate all that much. Men expect respect, gratefulness, and dependence, which you don’t deliver all that well.

A man doesn’t seriously think of marriage until four issues tickle his curiosity, flood his imagination with self-talk about likely outcomes, and promise to satisfy his expectations living with someone. 1) You will or will not be conquered without marriage. 2) Your combined virtues display great promise for maintaining his home and supporting whatever he does to advance his ambitions both with work and other people for whom he accepts responsibility aka duty. 3) You outshine most other women. As he imagines it, you’re obviously dedicated to upholding your virtuous nature at least to the promise of being faithful to him. Not just sexually but cooperatively, encouragingly, and inspiringly. 4) He’s considering investing himself into life with you, so can he be totally confident that he’s not making a mistake? Are your really who he thinks you are? Can he really become with you what he intends to be as husband and father?

That’s in the foreground, in the conscious process of a man who’s willing to think of getting married. The fascinating part takes place in the background, in his heart.

At your first encounter, or development of mutual interest, two conquerors face off. One seeks conquest, the other seeks marriage, and both hide their agendas. A man first likes you because of what he sees and hears from you. It’s your sexual attractiveness, emotional attractiveness, and likeability rolled into one, and he fully expects you to remain that way always with him. You make attraction mutual with immediate or slow-to-develop infatuation that begins with his good looks or his interest in you.

He spots and hears two likeable features, which we have to separate in order to describe what follows here over the next few days. 1) You’re sexually attractive but push it aside except when specifically mentioned below. The urge to conquer always lurks, and we need to push it into the background of the background to grasp the full meaning of his other motivations. 2) You’re emotionally attractive, which for the most part to men means that you’re likeable, pleasant, and quick to listen and admire him. Consequently, he springs into action, so let the pursuit begin. You’re willing as long as you feel important relative to him.

He pursues with conscious thoughts of making you like him, while he looks for weakness that can be used to convince you into bed. He focuses on the former, while the latter lurks beneath the surface. While looking for weakness, surprisingly, he uncovers qualities that he admires. Example: You’re smart. You eat ‘slimingly’. You talk well, like his jokes, and smile into his eyes.

His search for weakness gets pushed further into background mode by newly discovered qualities worthy of his admiration, which to him are virtues, which combine over time to make you a virtuous woman, which can then morph into fascination, which comes across as wifely potential. To the extent your virtues accumulate, his respect for you grows, and a man’s love is based on respect. To the extent that your virtuous likeability and fascination continue as he expects, then his intuitive opposition to marriage starts to crumble.

Contrary to how modern women behave, women compete with other women to win a man. When they compete with men—except about their first sex together—they don’t score very well. The importance of your likeability and his desire to marry flows out of ‘comparison shopping’. He sees you in competition with other women. When you outshine them, he more ardently admires your features, traits, and habits that are so uniquely attractive-to-him. Your actions demonstrate dedication to your virtues and persuade him of your sincerity, trustworthiness, and faithfulness and convince him that you’re better for him than his independence and other women.

Who you’re dealing with will be posted tomorrow as 2179.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, sex differences

4 responses to “2178. Dating in Mid-life — Part D2: You All Differ

  1. gonemaverick

    oh, but you write so well Sir Guy! it’s always a joy to come here and read and meditate.

  2. prettybeans

    As gonemaverick says, it truly is a joy to read you’re articles and meditate on them.

    I have a few questions Sir Guy and I admit that you may have addressed them in your previous articles but I haven’t had the opportunity to review them all.
    Here goes:-

    1. What makes a man passive? Is it nature? I ask because as I read the creation story in the Book of Genesis, I get the impression that the man was sort of just hanging about watching his mate get up to her shenanigans and finally get deceived and when she presented the forbidden fruit to him, he was happy to oblige yet he had been given the intial instruction

    2. What makes a man cruel and inclined to feed off manipulation, mind games and power games? Is there no aspect of guilt or remorse in the heart of a man?

    3. What makes a man consistently break promises? I describe a situation where someone constantly says that they have good intentions but when it comes to execution there is nothing but hot air (my observation). Yet at the same time I observe that they are able to talk a good game and to keep promises to others. I am no longer in this situation but I am attempting to unpack the past and to make some sense of it so that I may be better prepared for the future. When you say that preparation is better than recovery I am inclined to agree.

    4. What makes a man effeminate? (Play hard to get and appear to want to be pedastalized and almost as if he would prefer to be courted).
    Is this a psychological disorder, poor upbringing (in my view this includes being brought up exclusively by a domineering woman and sisters), laziness, fear of failure and/or cowardice?

    I await your response.
    Thank you

    Your Highness Prettybeans,

    You no long have to await my response and you’re welcome.

    1. Men aren’t born passive but vulnerable to being trained into it during their upbringing and then allowed to remain so by the women in their lives. (Adam wasn’t passive. He just didn’t know about women and was busy doing man things. He didn’t know about sex until Eve brought it up. I bet Eve didn’t see him as passive after that. So it is with boys.)

    2. Very low self-esteem, he loathes himself. As an infant he was mistreated. It lasts for life. Relief but not cure comes from new and steady accomplishments. By routinely and regularly earning self-admiration, self-satisfaction, and enlarged sense of significance, a new and enlightened self-image can override the self-hatred and turn him away from unappealing conduct. As to guilt, men don’t harbor it as women do. They fix it or forget it. As to remorse, self-hatred prevents remorse.

    3. Another case of low self-esteem. He doesn’t like himself and sees no reason nor senses any obligation to be true, loyal, or well intentioned to others except for self-serving reasons. He’s after immediate gratification trying to feel good about himself. His self-dislike makes deferred gratification too far off to feel good about himself now. Also, he was raised not having to earn much of what he got earlier in life. He’s the result of low self-esteem and poor self-image.

    4. You cited a very likely cause, upbringing by domineering females. As to playing hard-to-get, players are deep into that tactic.


  3. Eric

    Sir Guy:
    I have a question relating to this: what is the connection between a man’s desire to conquer and his desire to reproduce? It seems that they must be closely connected, or else men would never become monogamous,

    Sir Eric,

    The two urges are not connected. In fact, the desire to reproduce isn’t embedded in his nature. It’s learned in childhood by desire to duplicate values and expectations of people a boy grows up with. I think it so because of the parallel values that surround a good father. Some boys want kids and then mistreat them. Others aren’t so eager until they have children, and then they go bonkers over them. Upbringing makes all the difference.

    In every respect, the urge to conquer stands distinctively different and disconnected from other human motivations. No obligations left behind, just the urge to hit and run. Not responsible for final results. Overpowering to other motivations. Victimize long-term future of women without regret. Almost tasteless about target attractiveness. Masculine sense of responsibility and duty dismissed without thought. Vaginas are unique until penetrated. Conquered vaginas lose value. Conqueror’s right applies to vaginal access more than conquered woman’s other interests.

    Conquest is all about penetration and ends there. Reproduction is all about producing with associated responsibility and duty.


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