2179. Dating in Mid-life — Part D3: Those with Whom You Deal

You’ve read it before, but admittedly what follows is more ideally described than what realistically happens in the real world. By focusing on what people inherit at birth, however, you can produce better results than in the past.

All interactions with men should start with this picture firmly fixed in your mind as to his motivational nature. He sees all your features in perfect, near-perfect, or at least favorable light. Beyond what he can see, however, lurks a mystery that invites slow inquiry if not deep investigation.

  1. In your presence and in his imagination when not around you, your sexual attractiveness motivates him to look further. As explained earlier, however, it operates in background as he searches for weakness that will help turn down the bed covers—or not take time. No blame should be attached; it’s the way God designed him and hormones urge him onward and upward.
  2. You emotionally appeal to his senses. Your likeability grows on him. As you spend time together, your uniquely feminine qualities appear before his eyes accidentally or displayed purposely by you. Those he admires become virtues in his heart. The more virtues that accumulate, the easier his commitment to make, and more likely devotion will arise; which morphs into fascination, which he converts into promise of you as a potential mate—always, however, without guarantees.
  3. Your virtues become the hooks. Your other qualities that he may not appreciate, but can accept and live with, become the loops in the Velcro of your relationship. As that ‘patch’ of Velcro grows, it triggers his commitment which morphs into devotion as his actions expand to please him for pleasing you.
  4. You can do little or nothing about 1 through 3. It all happens unconnected of you. It’s the way the male mind works, when a man’s senses are highly pleased or challenged. He makes judgments, and they are independent of your trying to tell him what to think or to be impressed by what you think he appreciates. Unlike women, he doesn’t let the talk of others shape his thinking. He makes his own decisions. Listening to a woman sell herself does not impress him; too much and she appears desperate, which makes her easier to topple into bed against her best interest. If he truly wants you, he sells himself. It creates the proper perspective: a) He’s the seller and you’re the buyer. b) He’s making himself worthy of you, which keeps you from making the mistake of assuming responsibility for winning him as your mate.
  5. Your role is just to be yourself. Be true, sincere, heart-warming, pleasant, comfortable, patient, and good listener in his presence. Be non-controversial and neither radical, desperate, nor craving his attention/affection. Be non-challenging to him or his role with you. Be good at indirectly exposing the qualities that you have for living with and caring for somebody. (But not him, it’s too direct). IOW, exploit your charm, fun-loving nature, and self-confidence in your worth as person, woman, date, and potential mate.

Were all the above to work out as described, the door opens for a dating man to become boyfriend, fiancé, and mate by walking himself through six processes: attraction, dating, commitment, devotion, fascination, and promise as mate. Note that all transpires out of his curiosity and through his imagination to program his heart.

I describe it more fully tomorrow in post 2180, as He Walks Himself to the Altar.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins, sex difference

6 responses to “2179. Dating in Mid-life — Part D3: Those with Whom You Deal

  1. Peach Blossoms

    I think your 4th point is golden! I’ll make a point of remembering it whenever doubts arise…
    And for me, this is one of your best series of posts, Sir Guy 🙂 You’ve been laying out your arguments in previous posts and they’ve culminated in this clearest explanation to date of the underlying mindset. Men are never more handsome than when they save me from my propensity for (over)analysing such things 😉
    One question though – will you be bringing back the Mirror Time series sometime?

  2. justmy2cents

    Do you think that men and women can be friends? And how does a girl indirectly deal with or keep an eye out on her significant other’s opposite-gender friendships so that it does not cross into emotional infidelity territory?

    Your Highness Justmy2cents,

    Don’t keep “an eye out on her significant other’s opposite-gender friendships.” Keep an eye out only for clearly identified red flags.

    It takes courage. You can best prevent it crossing “into emotional infidelity territory” by dealing with him indirectly.

    To call their friendship unacceptable or let your suspicions fly into the air drives him toward her arms. Either of your choices frustrate him for not doing a better job of either being a loyal husband or keeping the depth of their friendship unseen or unsuspected. Frustration is uncomfortable and discomfort drives men to feminine softness, which too easily can be away from you.

    This indirectness works best. Your trust begets his respect, which begets his trust of you, which begets your respect of him, which begets his trust of you, which increases your respect that begets more of his trust, which increases his respect of….

    Additionally, your trust confirms his sound judgment for choosing you. His continued respect shows that you are doing wifely things pretty well.

    Better to have trusted and lost than to have suspected and caused the loss.


  3. That Horse Is Dead

    I heard this Billy Joel song today which expresses the “feminine mystique” that causes a man to want to be around a woman, enjoy!

    She’s got a way about her
    I don’t know what it is
    But I know that I can’t live without her
    She’s got a way of pleasin’
    I don’t know what it is
    But there doesn’t have to be a reason anyway

    She’s got a smile that heals me
    I don’t know why it is
    But I have to laugh when she reveals me
    She’s got a way of talkin’
    I don’t know why it is
    But it lifts me up when we are walkin’ anywhere

    She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down
    Inspires me without a sound
    She touches me and I get turned around

    She’s got a way of showin’
    How I make her feel
    And I find the strength to keep on goin’
    She’s got a light around her
    And ev’rywhere she goes
    A million dreams of love surround her ev’rywhere

    She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down
    Inspires me without a sound
    She touches me and I get turned around

    She’s got a smile that heals me
    I don’t know why it is
    But I have to laugh when she reveals me
    She’s got a way about her
    I don’t know what it is
    But I know that I can’t live without her anyway

  4. Cocoa

    Sir Guy, can you please confirm this for me? Do I sense correctly (from the first two points) that a man needs to SEE or be around the woman he initially likes. If he doesn’t see her much the rest of the process won’t continue.
    I always wondered about this and because we are so different I don’t really get it. I know for me it doesn’t matter if I see my loved ones, even when they are not around they are in my heart. I also notice this with my sons, if I am around we talk and joke and care, if and when I am away I feel that I am hardly in their thoughts even. My husband if I travel he calls once, but sometimes I feel it’s because he’s not happy that I travelled without him (different story for a different time).

    How does long distance relationships work in this case? I guess what I want to understand is, if a fascinating/attractive/virtuous woman is not around or seen much by her admirer does he forget about her? does his fascination grows or declines during her absence?

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    As to endearing thoughts when separated, men and women are very different. Women think of loved ones quite a bit every day; men not nearly as much. In that regard, women are more dependent; men aren’t.
    Not calling as frequently as wife calls him confirms that he didn’t give up all his independence. Also, it confirms that she remains dependent on him.

    Your last paragraph has neither correct nor advisory answers. Too many variables.


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