2183. Dating in Mid-life — Part D7: Review of Sexual Matters


Here are a few miscellaneous tips about sex and dating.

  1. Summarized as succinctly as possible: Never disclose the reasons, persons, conditions, or circumstances that will induce you to yield. Not even to girlfriends, because they blab and steal. Along with your sexual history, it’s no one else’s business until you figure it’s best for you and choose outside of his pressure to take down your panties. (In a forthcoming article, I explore another natural paradox. The more you want to be liked, the less respect you will earn, and vice versa.)
  2. Timing is important with self-fulfilling prophecies. You act hard-to-get long before a man brings up the sex subject, and so he treats you respectfully while awaiting your willingness to proceed beyond the formalities of dating. [495]
  3. Hard-to-get should start at Minute One of Day One of every relationship. The more casual your approach to accepting dates, the more likely a man assumes you accept casual sex. If men don’t earn a date, they don’t plan thoroughly or well enough, truly appreciate you, or invest enough of themselves in your interest. Mini-dates, meeting over coffee, and church-together indirectly initiate hard-to-get.
  4. It’s a natural paradox. The primal urge to conquer is hardwired in the male brain. Based on the respect you earn and likeability he enjoys with you, what happens after conquest is predetermined and highly unlikely to change. You enter bed with these prospects ahead: either keeper, booty, or dumpee. Boobs and vagina contribute nothing to his respect of you but may add a little to your likeability. Perhaps enough to upgrade from dumpee to booty. (Sex after conquest is whatever you can make of it as the relationship expert.) [495]
  5. Because we’re emotional creatures, impressions can be stronger than facts. Knowledge does not motivate. Mystery about your sexual experience and appetite work best to attract his asking for first date, second date, third…. [489]
  6. Chastity earns a man’s respect and admiration, but his knowledge of your pledges to continue until married can discourage even his asking for dates. Mystery as to conditions for yielding keep you moving around inside his curiosity and imagination, which is where you benefit more than whatever relationship benefits you try to create by yourself. Hopelessness doesn’t motivate except to hope for somebody else. [489]
  7. If hopeful of sex and he’s not playing it vague and unavailable, he normally asks for a date. If you declare, avow, or everyone knows that you’re into no sex without marriage, you thus eliminate his hope and you might as well be in a nun’s habit. Why would a man even ask for a date unless he already seeks to marry on your terms, which isn’t likely unless it’s love at first sight? [489]
  8. Knowing for sure that you won’t yield discourages him from wanting to invest himself. OTOH, repeated denials if he dates you long enough can trigger his imagination that other guys failed with the same record as his. It adds value to you, a major virtue to be admired. It’s why virtual virginity works so well.
  9. Nothing earns a man’s respect better than a woman protecting her sexual assets against infringement by anyone, including him until he earns the privilege of access.
  10. Knowing that you will yield makes a guy want to pursue without a date. Rational thought advises him to try a shorter route. [491]
  11. Men aren’t as good as you at interpreting vocals, non-verbals, and body language messages. However, regarding sex, their hope is endless for conquest, and they read more into your behavior than you intend about sex but less about your other intentions and desires. [495]
  12. Whatever it may be, men expect to improve on both your experience and sexual appetite. It poses more challenges and greater risk on which the male mind thrives. A man’s instinctive conclusions more easily lead to your being asked out. IOW, he intends to make conquest like nothing you’ve ever had before. It’s his nature, instinctive pressures, and not any message you sent that you need or deserve a new experience or sexual appetite tuneup.[491]
  13. Mystery surrounding your sexual history is stronger and more a challenge than is the knowledge of it. More than just interest, a sprinkling of wonderment about your standards does far more to capture a man’s curiosity, spark his imagination for conquest, and consequently make him more likely to ask you out. [489]
  14. You decide when to yield. He hopes sooner, but the greater his investment of self—shared emotions, time, effort, money—the greater your worthiness to him. [501]
  15. When you insist on formal dates, rituals, and protocols that elevate your importance, he automatically assumes you’re far from a pushover. His hope lingers on, but you can’t make it so difficult that his interest declines. Tease gently, perhaps even tart-like, instead of specifically deny or discourage. [495]
  16. Yielding your greatest asset for little or nothing devalues you, because your sex partner does the benefit analysis single handedly and self-centeredly. [501]
  17. Your mystery pays. Smiles without reason, friendliness without being overly eager, and polite but restrained conversation pays off if absent sexual overtones. Familiarity reduces mystery and works against you, so delay becoming too familiar. Full disclosure is absolutely OUT.
  18. Talking about sex too soon lures, hints, objectifies. It reduces risk for him and increases vulnerability for you. It also reduces worth and respect of you. [489]

This last item has special meaning not just for virgins at which it aims. It’s worthy of a twice-through reading by all women.

19. Now, ladies, watch closely this special message to virgins. Conquering a known virgin has a paradoxical effect on men. It’s like they stole something; most men do have a conscience. Guilt sets in and men don’t handle guilt well. They fix it, or they forget it. The only way to fix it is to marry her.

So, unless she has earned sufficient respect for him to see promise in her as his mate, it’s worse for virgins than others to yield too early. It’s also a major reason why virginity should not be disclosed. The mystery inherent in virtual virginity keeps men from anticipating guilt, such as that which arises when they work to conquer a known virgin, aka theft in the male mind.

If they discover her virgin status on conquest, it’s a bonus. Guilt doesn’t set in because he lacks the theft mindset. If it happens after marriage, he’s blessed with the greatest of women by masculine standards. She protected her sexual assets to the ultimate, which earns her immense respect not available in any other way.

Two conquerors faced off, and he won in the trade off. He overcame the highly respectable and irresistible force of a unique woman worthy of sacrificing his independence. He won a comforting woman to lean on sexually, ambitiously, and relaxingly. She won the pleasure and pleasantness of helping fulfill his work and ambitions for life. It doesn’t get any better than that arrangement, does it?

(I leave hanging in the air the question about any woman aiming for marriage and yielding during engagement, which I may address someday.)

21 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins

21 responses to “2183. Dating in Mid-life — Part D7: Review of Sexual Matters

  1. Tooconfused

    Omg!!! #15 is so crucial!!!!!

    How to master the art of keeping him interested … The challenge is on us women. Sir Guy – I don’t think you get it. You say women are naturally endowed with hormones that make us experts. This is not true. I swear I was not born to date men well. Some women are naturally good at fishing and keeping their baits hooked. I’m runnin’ out if worms here!

    Please more posts on keeping him on the hook w/o sex. Trust me I know it takes practice. I feel with each courtship I’m able to extend the time longer and longer (so practice does make perfect) but each time I have lost to sisters on the pill. Oh and some of your chaste courtship posts are password protected.

    Your Highness Tooconfused,

    None are password protected or at least shouldn’t be. IF you can specify one, perhaps I can get it corrected. I recently took down the mirror time articles but have restored them. That could have been the problem you encountered. If so, try 2123 again.

    The most comprehensible series to relieve you anxiety may be Virtual Virginity and Dark Side of Feminism. They’re older and you may have missed them.

    You’re not up against he pill. You’re up against other women.

    Guy

    • Cinnamon

      Tooconfused,

      You write, “(p)lease more posts on keeping him on the hook w/o sex.” This suggests that you are still seeing yourself as the seller and him as the buyer.

      You need to shift this mindset. You do not “keep him on the hook,” rather, he keeps HIMSELF on the hook because he decides he wants you. It’s NOT your job to lead him in this direction -apart from being the most charming and hard-headed woman you can be, that is. As Sir Guy emphasises repeatedly, a man needs to make up his own mind about you.

      Also, you are not “losing” to other sisters. If he says “no,” you win, because he is not what you are looking for, and if he says “yes” you win. Either way, you win. So you have many, many reasons to keep smiling!

  2. Beloved

    You always say, “keeper, booty or dumpee.” What are women in shack-up situations? I suspect booty for now and future dumpee. And the longer (years) that the shack-up goes on must be worse for her, not better correct?

    Your Highness Beloved,

    Yes, and the longer shack up goes on, the more hope it breathes gently into a woman’s life. Until such time as she has to give up too much of herself, her character, her standards, her expectations, and her dreams to prevent break up or abandonment.

    Hope begins to fade ever so slowly as likelihood of marriage also fades. At some point hope morphs into hopelessness. She realizes her future will never include formal vow and obligation to brighten her future. She still dreams, but hope continues to fade of that last final legal nudge that could fulfill her girlhood hopes and dreams.

    Shack up is the toughest road to get there. Many women, especially adultolescents, prefer to live with and up to a man’s expectations. The more mature woman prefers to learn to tame men and let one of them learn to meet her expectations for fulfilling girlhood hopes and dreams.

    Guy

    • Beloved

      Thanks and Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Your Highness Beloved,
      Thank you, darling.
      Guy

    • Cocoa

      That’s all true sir Guy I believe. However, not true to pure ardent feminists.

      I think they sometime get offended when marriage comes up.
      Two examples from work, both females are in shack up arrangement, the first, her boyfriend of 10 years asked her if she wants to marry him and she responded “what for?!”. The other has a boyfriend for 20 years and she sees no value in marriage, she has all legal rights anyway, her daughter carries her name not his (I was literally shocked when I found out, don’t want to tell what that reflects in the country I come from, bad. BAD). The first has 2 children, the second has one and most responsibility of childcare is on the man, while she’s building her career.

      So, not all women care about vows and/or abandonment. Where is the guy who spent 20 years with her is going to go. She will take the child and half of everything and go. I have learnt a lot of shocking lessons in the past two years, only from work. I don’t interact much with people outside work other than my community, which in some eyes is like, at least 200 years ago. But that’s fine by me and am happy with the old, maybe ancient, fashion I grew up in.

      Seriously I am in a state of shock. As if a woman would give her child HER family name and NOT the child’s father name! As if?!

  3. Cinnamon

    Sir Guy,

    With respect to “yielding during engagement” – this describes at least four engaged couples that I know. In fact, most married couples I know lived together for years before getting married (although a couple of them are now divorced). Please consider writing this article when you have some time. Thanks.

    Your Highness Cinnamon,

    I take it to mean that conquest after proposal does not forecast success or failure in marriage. That seems a popular opinion. But since it derived out of feminist values, I suspect it to be untrue.

    I hope to explain the difference that seems to exist when both the male and female natures are followed more closely during courtship.

    Guy

  4. krysie869

    “Men aren’t as good as you at interpreting vocals, non-verbals, and body language messages. However, regarding sex, their hope is endless for conquest, and they read more into your behavior than you intend about sex but less about your other intentions and desires. ”

    One of the men who has shown personal interest in me is a heavy smoker. He sometimes tells me he is going for a smoke break and I follow. However, he notices every time that I am distant and uncomfortable and awkwardness is evident between us (he would mention that it seems like I am avoiding him). In one of those instances, he asks me if I am comfortable with him smoking and I say no and he gets upset and agitated because I did not tell him sooner. I guess this is an example of men not being good at interpreting body language and that I should have expressed my standards sooner.

    Your Highness Krysie869,

    You’re close but no cigar. Next time you’re invited don’t follow. You avoid the following game some people play regularly.

    • He notes your discomfort.

    • He inquires about it.

    • Regardless of how you respond, it’s a direct refutation of what he wants to hear, which is what he wanted out of you, which enables him to blame you for his lack of consideration of your sensibilities, which makes you uncomfortable, which feeds back into his sense of dominance, which makes you of some but very limited value to him outside of companionship during smoke breaks.

    Disconnect from him and smoke alone if you smoke. Let him rust in the comfort of your absence. Remember, your presence makes him uncomfortable. Probably from guilt that he can’t quit smoking or guilt that he expects from you what he doesn’t think he deserves.

    If he’s not your boyfriend, you have no obligation to alert him to your standards. Let him discover them the hard way, by paying too little attention to your indirect language and failing to attract and hold your attention.

    Guy

    • Krysie869

      Thank you for your swift response Sir Guy! This is very helpful! I will follow your advice, but two things you wrote jumped out for me:

      “…which makes you of some but very limited value to him outside of companionship during smoke breaks”

      And “if he’s not your boyfriend, you have no obligation to alert him to your standards. Let…”

      I thought it was ideal that a woman tells a man her standards? Why is it wrong in this case? Also, based on the first quote I highlighted, it suggests that he may be interested in me for other reasons which probably doesn’t include me. I would add that he does offer me verbal commitment and asked me for my number but nothing else has transpired (aka he often asks me what I am doing later but doesn’t take me out or he asks if I am working during the week).

      Your Highness Krysie869,

      I misread your picture you presented, so I declare you as right.

      About ideal to disclose a woman’s standards. Only directly when necessary; indirectly works best.

      Guy

      • Simplicity Evermore

        This whole standards thing is tricky for me. I’ve had the ‘let’s date’ talk with several guys and I believe in putting most everything out on the table. (It’s one of my fitness tests.) There are, obviously things I don’t say. (Like what would make me yield. –and ,believe me, guys are pretty crafty on that subject.) But I have noticed a few things about standards.

        1. Attention is a good game piece. I have this attitude: MY attention is valuable and I can spend it on anyone or anything I want to. If you are not receiving my attention there is probably something you are not doing.

        2.My standards are really really important. So important that they come before this relationship. You will not get my attention if you don’t meet my standards. You will not get my attention if I think you are violating my standards on purpose. In fact if you violate my standards we will not have a relationship.

        Basically you don’t have to tell everyone your standards when you meet them. However, you should act like you can’t believe they just broke one.

        For example: If he doesn’t answer my test question when he sits down next to me, I’ll just get up and leave. No explanation.

        IF he was my BF and he did that we might not have a relationship because he should know better.

        When you get serious about someone you may want to put more out on the table. But like Sir Guy says, you should never tell a man anything about what might make you give up sex. Like being a Virgin. That’s a secret secret secret.

        A good thing to do though, is to get a man talking about his past relationships. (I had one guy who couldn’t stop griping about his ex. I learned so much about his character that way.)

  5. Meggrz

    This post in particular really spoke to my experience. Especially #6. I shoot myself in the foot pretty frequently by giving too much lip service to my intentions. I need to step up my deflection game, but often find myself halfway into a conversation before I realize I’m on a road I’d rather not walk.

    It doesn’t seem to go over well when I stop mid-sentence and say “I don’t want to talk about this.” Trying to turn the conversation to marriage is even more awkward. Any advice on a more subtle or playful deflection? Or am I just going to need practice?

    Your Highness Meggrz,

    Practice makes perfect and if not, better.

    Awkward for you probably means you’re doing right by you.

    Respond to unwanted or interfering questions with, Why do you ask?

    Your term ‘deflection’ is so great both for use and description.

    When it doesn’t go over well sends the signal that you’re in charge of your life and intend to run it according to your standards. Great message to send if only by their inference.

    You’re doing much greater than you think, so stay the course. (Navy lingo to continue in the current direction, aka keep on keeping on.)

    Guy

    • Miss Gina

      “I don’t want to talk about this” spoken in mid-sentence seems to be a perfectly respectful statement of a boundary. I am willing to be corrected, but a man who is interested in you for yourself would not be offended, I believe. Lack of smoothness would just tend to make it more genuine. Those who have an issue are revealing their true motives.

      Every interaction with a man is a game of chess on his end. “Everything you say can and will be used against you.” Only one man deserves to know the secrets of your heart (motivations, explanations, exact boundaries, etc.). A pleasant, old-fashioned reserve protects us from premature emotional involvement until we have found that one for each of us.

      There is nothing wrong with practicing a few stock deflections ahead of time, with a smile. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” “I’ll never tell.” “No.” “My future husband could do that, but I’m not ready now.” “I don’t know what to make of that suggestion/idea/thought.” Crazy logic and nonsense work, too. (The guy is left trying to figure out the hidden meaning in what you just said. It throws him off balance while you move on.)

      Some of the better old movies (40’s, 50’s) demonstrate feminine coyness and reserve well.

      Your Highness Miss Gina,
      You sure are a bright light getting brighter today. It’s another winner comment. Thank you, darling.
      Guy

      • Miss Gina

        That is a very nice compliment, sir, and I appreciate it very much. 🙂

      • Krysie869

        I agree with this Miss Gina. I attempted to play hard to get with a man who has a personal interest in me. However, he got annoyed and rolled his eyes at me because I wasn’t talking to him. It appears that he is easily offended if I am quiet. His behavior is a deal breaker to me and unfortunately, I work with him so I have to see him often, but I will try to limit my interactions with him as purely professional. I see other red flags in his interaction with me (I.e. Promises of things he would do for me but his actions say the opposite) but that is just one example.

        • That Horse Is Dead

          Hello Lady Krysie869,

          What do you mean when you say you attempted to play hard to get? If you care to share. As I am seeing hard to get play out more and more in my life, it should make a man more curious to pursue and take a risk to ask for first date. It’s not something you play but rather you are. In other words, men enjoy your company and femininity (you add color to a man’s world), but they won’t easily get your goodies. You are in a class above other women and shine brightly. I think Sir Guy mentioned in another post that just being around a feminine woman is soothing to the soul (my interpretation). This, in my opinion, won’t leave a man rolling his eyes. And while this man **could** be a bad egg, I wonder if you could be sending the wrong signals, especially if you have an interest in him. What are your thoughts?

          • krysie869

            Hi That Horse is Dead,

            I normally initiate conversation with him (i.e. professionally and platonic always) and he sometimes does the same. But when I played hard-to-get that one time, I wanted him to lead with his curiosity about me rather than me telling him how I feel at the moment. For example, he asks me what time I get off, I tell him “Look at the schedule” and I remain quiet. He then tells me that I am unusually quiet and gets annoyed. He then comes over to me and tells me the time I get off from work (he looked at the schedule). Another time in which his dominance was revealed to me was in a similar situation. It could be that my quietness is mistaken for standoffish-ness or non-interest.

            Again, I do see other red-flags in his behavior. However, I am not sure if what I suspect is my problem above is the issue that is preventing his devotion to me or if it is something else. To this day he still asks me what I am doing later (he has been asking me this literally from the day we met). He does promises things like he will take me home if he could afford a car or that he will take me drinking. However, I am still waiting on him to deliver on these promises. He also often asks me to take him home (I did once because he told he did not have a ride but then I found out he uses a shuttle service). I did ask him to wait on me once after he got off work and he did (but within 15 minutes he told me he couldn’t wait any longer and I had to literally convince him to stay!).

            • That Horse Is Dead

              If you are initiating conversation with him “normally” and he responds by telling you that you are unusually quiet, move on. He’s a Mr. V & U. Plus the fact he never acts on his promises. Time to push him back in the parade, nicely:)

              • Miss Gina

                Hello Lady Krysie869,

                I agree with Lady That Horse. He sounds quite immature, with the manipulations and unreliability. A guy who gets annoyed because you won’t play the game by his rules is a boy who wants to dominate you and is not interested in you as a person.

  6. Krysie869

    #4 is an interesting comment. Do you mean that if a guy has a low opinion of a woman he finds attractive it is unlikely that she will gain enough virtues according to him to be a keeper before conquest?

    Your Highness Krysie869,

    Yes, exactly. During the time they spend together or he thinks of her, he’s trying to figure out her weaknesses. That’s his only interest. Since his mind is so self-serving, he doesn’t think of admiring whatever qualities he observes. He’ not interested in her strengths, just her weaknesses.

    His low opinion of her keeps him on track for conquest and nothing else.

    Guy

    • krysie869

      So, if I am seeing things correctly, say if a guy is physically attracted to a girl, he spends more time noticing negative things about her than the positives? So if a guy is staring at me, he is attracted to me but is noticing the negatives? Then how is it then that women become virtuous? Is it because she has little or no weaknesses he could think of?

      Your Highness Krysie869,
      If he’s staring he’s looking at your positives. If he follows up he starts looking for weaknesses. In that process, if extended over time, he starts discovering strengths that he admires which become virtues to him. You become virtuous to him as he uncovers more qualities that he admires.
      Guy

  7. jumana

    “If it happens after marriage, he’s blessed with the greatest of women by masculine standards. She protected her sexual assets to the ultimate, which earns her immense respect not available in any other way.”

    How to deal with the fact that no matter how good we become even if we apply everything in this site, he will think we are not the greatest of women but a second hand since we are not real virgin ?

    Your Highness Jumana,
    Except in the minds of women who want to punish themselves, or men who hope to conquer a virgin so that he beats his competitors to her, virginity has little value in the lives of men. In fact, I’ve written 68 articles on virginity as listed in the CONTENT page at blog top. In particular, I suggest you read post 716 Recovery from Lost Virginity. Others may also be of interest.
    Guy

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