2202. Respect: The Lady’s Side


It’s very common. Everyone proclaims they respect others. But too much shortage exists or relationships of every kind would be better.

You have to live with men and hopefully with one successfully. Without respecting them, it ain’t gonna happen. Real men have no use for anyone, women especially, who disrespect them or fail to show the respect they expect. (Check out the Manosphere by Eric in tomorrow’s post.)

Showing respect begins with first encounter. Perhaps contrary to your intent, flirting does not show respect; it just shifts any man’s interest to sex and diverts his attention away from your appeal as possible mate. Not terminal but not beneficial either. (See footnote about first encounters.)

Dating and courtship exist to enable you to display and prove your respect of men. Why? Because men won’t pay attention to you (except for sex) until they see signs of respect. Or stay with you unless well respected. Each date and courtship event together is another opportunity for you.

Your respect for a man unlocks the door to his ambitions (aka emotions to you) and his intentions (aka pursuit to you). Doesn’t mean he’s all that interested, but without you unlocking the door he stays fixated on sex or turns elsewhere.

Detecting your respect, he can then offer up his loyalty and his likeability to you. It’s his gift; he lets you see him in all his masculine glory, aka his vision of being lovable and just right for you. He seeks to earn your loyalty and enjoy your likeability, aka his interpretation of love. He’s not looking for love as you express it and expect to see yours matched. He’s intent on convincing you of his worthiness either for you or for sex. To keep him focused away from sex is to keep him focused on you as possible mate.

Other than that, you have little to do with relationship development except to make yourself more loyal and likeable in his eyes, which means to let your respect grow for him. You should be yourself and not interfere with his presenting what he offers—unless he turns you off. (Sex excluded, of course, as it definitely interferes.)

If he’s not loyal and likeable to you, he’s not good enough. Measure him by those factors; he measures you by them. They’re what he’s selling and figures you will buy.

Originating at birth, your primal motivational force is to earn a sense of your importance. Successful relationships begin by respecting the male gender and one special man. (If you don’t respect the gender, your man too often in your mind becomes one of ‘them’.) Your showing respect is both action and accomplishment that confirms to your heart that you’re important as a person, sweetheart, girlfriend, woman, friend, mate, or wife, which energizes you to make yourself even more important to others.

Women don’t need respect as men do. In early stages of relationships, you rely more on instinct, intuition, and infatuation. From that base you do things to please both your man and yourself. Pleasing him confirms your importance to yourself and hopefully to him. Pleasing yourself programs your heart with the appropriateness of what you do. IOW, the more you do for him, the more you love him. Your heart won’t let you invest yourself without figuratively patting you on the head and saying Well Done, young lady.

Women should pay more attention to this natural paradox. The more respect you show to a man, the less feedback you need to confirm your importance. (Funny how that works, isn’t it? God knew what He was doing.) Moreover, the more you respect yourself, think mirror time, the more you’re able to respect others. It also means that the more mirror time, the less you need others to sustain your spirit and morale.

Blame weakens respect. The more that women blame men, individually and collectively, the less that men sense womanly respect, which weakens manly respect for both female gender and individuals, which weakens masculine love of women, which makes men more self-centered, which brings out their aggressive side, which turns them toward violence and victimizing females. It all starts with the finger of blame pointed at men because women seek to change them and they refuse to change as women expect it.

Men, OTOH, try to offer up their loyalty and likeability in exchange for the same from women, but women won’t accept them as is, which means they don’t respect them as is, which means that men don’t much care what happens after that.

If you want to be respected and loved by a man, he must be respected, and you are in charge of that regardless of how unrespectable you view his behavior. You always have the option of not respecting him with the consequence that you lose whatever love he has for you. It’s easily proved with the finger of blame.

When women individually and collectively demonstrate respect, men quit blaming women and learn to follow the female lead. They fall in line with whatever values and standards women impose and religiously expect, such as strong sense of family responsibility.

After paying the price of respecting him, you only need to decide if his loyalty and likeability can be made mutual with your expectations while he determines the same thing. That’s the shortest version of relationship development.

By using respect as your empowering first principle, you are naturally prepared to generate mutual loyalty and likeability and thus develop compatible if not fully successful relationships. It works as surely in dating and courtship as it used to work all across American society.

——

**First encounter may well be a man’s hitting on you. It’s a compliment that you have either sex or mating appeal. You get to choose to listen or not. Listening sends a message of respect, which I propose. Refusal sends the opposite.

You listen, smile, and show interest in what he says. You let him hold your attention—preferably eyeball to eyeball to confirm your courage—while he presents himself for you to consider buying what he says. Do the same earnestly, sincerely, and habitually with all men. Then make your decision each time.

If it’s beyond a polite self-introduction, say a bold hit, then listen and get bolder to reject him. Bold but not insulting rejection—after listening sincerely—adds to your respect for him and his gender. Your anger or rapid escape to avoid listening to his compliment shows disrespect for both him and his gender. It also may lead you away from some good men who are sincere in the compliment that is the foundation for their hit.

17 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, sex difference

17 responses to “2202. Respect: The Lady’s Side

  1. Dove

    This may be a difficult concept for women to grasp, because we think that when we love someone, then it follows that we respect them – which isn’t necessarily true. It isn’t unusual for us to love someone and want to change them at the same time. We women also make the mistake of thinking that by sacrificing ourselves or forgetting ourselves to please someone we can win a man over.

    Our concept of love is sometimes self defeating.

  2. SouthernBelle

    If during a lengthy courtship his actions result in her losing some respect for him, is that respect recoverable or is that proof of him not being Mr.Good Enough? How does she resolve between idealistic expectations versus reality of his masculine nature or some other rationalization that assuages her disappointment.

    • SouthernBelle

      Sir Guy,
      I am inquiring again and would very much appreciate your insight into how to manage some loss of respect for a man when there’s still much that’s admirable.

      Your Highness SouthernBelle,
      Don’t change your game plan yet. Women don’t have to respect a man the way a man in love has to respect the woman. A little loss may be easily handled or compensated. Only time will tell for you to see how the loss either stands alone or causes admired qualities to fall off.
      Guy

  3. Krysie869

    Love this post! I have seen men approach women, but these same women ignore those men (no eye contact, easily angered or annoyed) especially if they think he’s “weird”, “creepy”, or “unattractive” (their words not mine!). It just goes to show how assumptions go against a man’s best interest.

    P.S. Why would a man start polite conversation with a woman and not continue with a hit? I heard men say it’s because she is not attractive close up…

    • Meow Meow

      Hey many men are indeed weird and creepy! Follow your instincts if they are warning you about a person. It is VERY feminine to listen to your instincts if they are telling you something is wrong. Unattractive/stinky is one thing that can be helped but actions/vibes/strange approaches or comments are telling you something.

  4. surfercajun

    He is beautiful to me…. the key to the door of joy unending… the light… the way…he is the road with no end…he is beautiful to me, so beautiful to me!

  5. Jen

    “The more respect you show to a man, the less feedback you need to confirm your importance.”

    Brilliant! (Because it’s true, but funnily, I never really thought of it this way.

    “Moreover, the more you respect yourself, think mirror time, the more you’re able to respect others. It also means that the more mirror time, the less you need others to sustain your spirit and morale.”

    Also very true, though IMO many women refuse to buy this because mirror time = vanity. Yet interestingly enough, the majority of these same women have, in my experience, been…well, vain about their lack of vanity.

    Excellent post, much food for thought here. If only women would learn to be more respectful of men, instead of so dismissive. It oh-so-rarely (just read Kirk’s ‘Princess of All Lands’, so…) hurts to be kind to anyone, and usually makes the day brighter for all involved, even if the hoped-for outcome does not occur.

  6. Tooconfused

    The sentence about the more respect you give him the less feedback you need as the lady above mentioned. So much clarity there.

    I looked at my past encounters with men Sir and what you say matches my experiences. This one guy I was dating – had so much respect for him – and I showed it to him too. I never needed a constant reminder that he was thinking of me or that he valued me in his life. With other men if I didn’t get constant feedback I’d feel anxious but also these men were not Mr. GoodEnough. I wondered why that was. And well you’ve explained it so nicely.

    I’m also guilty of not giving every fish a chance. Especially if the hit is bold. I automatically assume this guy is bad news but this isn’t always true. Not at all. My cynical side gets the best of me.
    Women have to give men a fair chance too, and I don’t always do so.

    Great stuff here! 👌👌👌

  7. Sarina

    This is my fave article for this month, it rings home because of my past behaviour. Now, I really would like to hear an opinion on dealing with indecisive guys that basically make a woman feel less important. Example of phrases: ‘are you sure you want to date me? If you don’t, I understand and we won’t date’; ‘do you enjoy my company? cause if you don’t then, it’s okay, we’ll find other people’; ‘do you want to leave me? if so, it’s okay with you if I find another girl?’…and so on and so forth..for me this type is incredibly annoying because it seems like he’s not interested in the girl and only wasting time until some girl that he truly wants will come along.

    Your Highness Sarina,
    I’m working on an idea but need to research with readers first. You’ll see it coming if you continue to visit.
    Guy

    • Dove

      This is more of an issue on self-esteem. If you find it hard to deal with people who are insecure, then it’s best to just stay away from those types of men. If you’re sure of who you are, then you’d be wasting your time associating with people who aren’t sure of themselves.

    • Meow Meow

      Before i met my husband, I dated a few of these guys. Their attitude was a little too scaredy-cat or worse, self protective. I just didn’t feel safe around such guys as it seemed their emotions would shift based upon mine, they didn’t seem to have their own opinion. Ultimately, boring!

  8. Anita

    Hi Sir Guy!!
    I wrote to you about my exboyfriend who was forced into rehab by his mother. I broke it off and never looked back, and I want to thank you for wise words!
    I have started dating again, with eyes and ears much more open this time. There is a gentleman who is interested in me and I see many qualities in him that I am looking for: hardworking, generous and ambitious, to name a few. The problem is he smokes cigarretes. He has started using those e-cigarretes and has cut back, but still smokes a couple every night. Is there any way I can motivate him, not pressure, to quit smoking? We have only been on one date, and are having our second one this week. Thank you for your thoughts!!

    Your Highness Anita,

    Women try everything, usually with consequences accruing to their disadvantage. Why not be unique? That’s what men look for, a woman different from the others.

    I suggest you make no mention and reflect zero feedback of your feelings about it. If he asks respond with something like this. “It’s your pleasure, it’s who you are and none of my business.” It gives you the option of disqualifying him or sticking with him to see if he will quit to please himself hoping to also please you.

    It has an advantage for you. By making it his business, you’re enabled to focus on other things of more screening import.

    Guy

    • Dove

      Is smoking a non-negotiable for you?
      Perhaps figure out first if you really like him before trying to discourage him from bad habits.

      If during a date he asks “do you mind if I smoke?” Then just say “yes”. He did ask you so no sense beating around the bush. No need to explain either. I had an exboyfriend who smoked a lot. He knew I didn’t like it – he still smoked but at least not infront of me, and he tried to quit using ecigarettes.

      • Anita

        Hi Dove! That’s my problem exactly. I hate smoking to be honest, the smell and the health problems it might entail. Nonetheless, I have dated other men who didn’t smoke, but had other pretty bad habits that were probably way worse than smoking cigarettes in the end, that is why I am trying to think this through. I don’t know if I’m being too picky about the smoking situation and nobody will have all the qualities I am looking for or if I should hold out for a non-smoker. I am in my mid twenties.
        Dove, would you say smoking was one of the reasons your relationship didn’t work out in the end?
        Mr. Guy please feel free to chime in if you have something to say! 🙂

        Your Highness Anita,

        Please don’t misread me. The following is plan and not chastisement.

        First, he ain’t really ‘broke’ because he smokes; he just offends you by finding pleasure ‘outside’ of you. He can do it without thinking of you, including that it could possibly offend. Even if he gets your permission, it still offends and shifts the blame to you, which offends even more. It all stirs your female nature to want to do something. You’re best off, however, if you forget it for now.

        Second, you’re talking yourself into finding a way to ‘fix’ him, which is natural for a woman wanting to improve her man. But he ain’t yours yet, and so you’re confusing yourself and not reacting sincerely with him.

        Third, he probably wants to quit but can’t find sufficient reason to satisfy his self-interest. At this point in your relationship, you don’t know what role you play in his self-interest, so don’t get pushy where you’ve no leverage.

        Fourth, you can show respect for his decisions and someday, some way you may be repaid. No guarantee but you can be sure of repercussions you won’t like if you apply pressure now. Perhaps not immediate but thereafter; e.g., he quits just for you until he conquers or marries you and figures he paid his debt and starts smoking again. What do you do then? Disqualify and divorce? Or, chastise yourself for being fooled and him for disregarding your deepened interest? What wedge would that drive into the marriage?

        Fifth, should you not disqualify but marry him, it becomes another matter. But no great advantage for you. Just a window of opportunity to indirectly work on his giving it up for you. Example: Hint, plant seeds about this. What kind of gift can you expect for next birthday, anniversary, Christmas, or another special event? Don’t ask for it, just drop ONE hint that nothing could be more meaningful and appreciative—not even jewelry—than his giving up his most important habit just for you.

        Sixth, it takes a couple of decades for a Mr. GoodEnough to morph into Mr. Right. Quit smoking is a very small part of that, unless his woman considers it major or an absolute, which opens one of three doors: disappointment, argument, or incompatibility.

        Related Disclosure. I quit smoking it seems dozens of times to please myself, but always picked it up again. Finally, I committed to myself that I would quit for Her Majesty Grace on her next birthday, anniversary, or Christmas—but only if I decided I could do it permanently—and it would be a gift she did not expect. When the next one of those days arrived, I would decide. Well, I passed twice and on the third, our anniversary, I gave her the gift. She was ecstatic. Withdrawal that time (8 days) was far worse than any previous experience (usually 3-5 days) but I never for a second thought of taking back the gift. You see, without help or even encouragement, I made the decision to please her, so I couldn’t retrieve the gift.

        Guy

        • Anita

          Thank you Mr. Guy! I needed to hear this.

          • Miss Gina

            Your Highness Anita,

            I just thought I’d add my two cents. I, like you, hate smoking. I have an extremely sensitive sense of smell, and it often makes me feel dizzy and sick to be in the vicinity. I agree that when sharing a home, these things potentially can be major issues. However, my husband smoked about a pack a day when we met. One of the first things I noticed about him, though, was that he was so careful. He always used gum or a breath mint afterward, smoked only outdoors in all weather, and smoked with the car window cracked open. This was not to impress me; these were already his habits. He never reeked of smoke or burned things. He hated those traits. We married. He carried on. Truly I was never offended or sickened. He tried unsuccessfully to quit because I wanted him to. I went silent on the subject. We soon had two sons. Hubby was active outdoors, but within a couple of years he started noticing problems with breathing during exertion. He finally quit to hunt and fish with our boys. I’d never imagined marrying a smoker, but even if he’d never quit, I had nothing to complain about regarding myself or the home. (Cost, of course, is another issue.) So in my case, it turned out not to be a deal-breaker…Hope another perspective helps as you think things through. 🙂

        • Dove

          Smoking wasn’t the reason for our break up 🙂 He had a lot of good qualities as a boyfriend, and so smoking was not a deal breaker for me. I never really told him that I wanted him to stop. The urge to quit was something that came from him and not from me. But he definitely knew I don’t like smoking in general.

          But at this point, determine first if it’s a deal breaker for you. I have a friend who doesn’t like it when a guy smokes so even from the start she doesn’t go for guys who do. So I definitely get you about picky on the smoking thing.

          Focusing on how he treats you during dates will help you put things in perspective. Shift your focus from “fixing” to observing his demeanor towards you. Screen first and the “fixing” can follow later when you’re an official couple.

          Dating is fun so goodluck and take it easy 🙂

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