2210. Hits: What Happens in Background?


In JHS, HS, college, and USN, I was the target or observed others rebuffed pleasantly or outright rejected for hitting on girls and women. Thinking on it now enables me to understand what’s happening in background mode. Much of it originates out of default beliefs inherited at birth by two very different sexes.

For this segment I define ‘hit’ as uninvited, unwanted, or overly bold intrusion or invitation, including those that you may find desirable once it happens. Some may offend, others may compliment. But the secret to making yourself more easily respected lies with treating all hitters the same (not all may be men).

OTOH flirting takes place as polite and cautious dialogue and signals that invoke a different decision process. (If a guy hits and claims he’s just flirting, without thinking twice go by your definition. Treat it as a hit without giving him opportunity to defend himself. He needs to learn who’s boss when he screws up by your standards.)

Rebuffing a hitter earns respect for you. Provided you do it for the purpose of protecting your self-respect. You reinforce self-respect by putting him in his place for having overstepped your boundaries as a person. You earn his respect for standing up for yourself and further reinforce your self-respect for having the courage to do it. (God made him wise enough to gain your attention, but He gave you the ability to get double benefit from it. Who said female isn’t the superior sex and irresistible force?)

OTOH, you probably lose respect—and don’t gain self-respect—if you respond to hits for selfish and other reasons. Examples: Reject him to make yourself feel better, put him down, like yourself better, to be liked by the hitter, show off to girlfriends, earn someone’s respect, embarrass him for showing disrespect to a woman, or just treat him disrespectfully for being a man.

Your heart should be full of feminine innocence when hit on. You’ll likely do the right thing for yourself. (Recall how That Horse is Dead reacted when the guy seated next to her brushed his upper arm against her breast. Was it a hit or a hint? She wasn’t suspicious or waiting for a man to go too far. Her feminine innocence guided her to her best advantage, in that case ladylike and dignified silence. A rebuff/rejection/dismissal probably awaits when he next tries to win her interest or second date.)

Moreover, protecting who you are and what you deserve as a person (not a woman) is not as self-centered as the examples shown in second paragraph above. Those spring out of your mind as protection for you as a woman rather than a person. There’s a difference too.

You are respected and earn respect as if you’re three people. 1) As a person, which makes you equal with all others socially, legally and particularly in God’s eyes. You deserve to be treated respectfully as an individual, not member of some group, or like your associates. 2) As a female or woman, which makes you unequal but not inferior with men (in spite of political and impractical claims to the contrary). You deserve to be recognized as very different from a man. 3) As a responsible and accountable person and woman in the various roles you fill in life, such as wife, mother, friend, daughter, employee, date, fiancé, et al. You deserve to be recognized as having primary interest in things other than man-think.

Obvious and purposeful hits can emanate from a guy’s lack of respect of women generally and perhaps you too. In his mind, you may not deserve what others deserve, such as careful or sensitive approach or common courtesy. You may not deserve to be treated fairly as member of opposite sex. You may not deserve to have your marriage honored as ‘hands off’. In every hit like that, the guy subliminally claims you don’t deserve his respect, invites you to compete with him, and so—at least I think this—you should show him how to win the competition.

You deserve equal treatment as a person if not as a woman. You’re equally deserving of what you can earn as a person. It uplifts you more easily in your mind, adds moral virtue to reinforce your courage, and makes you eligible for fair treatment as a woman. As a person you’re blessed with the ability to take charge at all affronts to your comfort and dignity as a woman. But you should initiate by thinking as a person. The cautious nature of women dissuades from initiating at the very moments you need to be self-assertive in the handling of hitters.

Not as easy as it sounds, but you should treat all men alike. It trains you better to gain all the advantages that can accrue to you as a woman.

11 Comments

Filed under feminine, How she wins

11 responses to “2210. Hits: What Happens in Background?

  1. prettybeans

    Dear Sir Guy, Some Other Guy, Gentleman Eric and all you lovely ladies who contribute so meaningfully on this forum, I would like your thoughts on a situation that I presently find myself in.

    *I should however warn you that this is going to be a long one but kindly bear with me to the end

    I met a gentleman in church about 2 months ago and I found myself in the same bible study group with him (which meets once a week outside of Sunday services). I have been spending my mirror time very wisely and I am generally feeling better and better about myself as the days go by and it is a happy coincidence that I seem to have caught this man’s attention

    On observing him I have noted the following:-

    Upside –
    – very knowledgeable about the Bible and brightens up when talking about scripture
    – seems sincere in pursuing authentic godliness
    – thinks about and actively cares for others eg I know for a fact that he is educating some children who are not his family
    – very cautious about offending me and is somewhat awkward and shy around me. Despite this he is very intelligent and has a track record of academic success. Currently has a very good job with a multi-national organization
    – keeps time and has been very apologetic the one time that he has been late
    – texts/emails grammatically; no silly text-speak but actually prefers to call
    – wants to see me and spend time with me
    – appears to be conscious/responsible about money
    – appears to work very hard and I got him to disclose where he got his work ethic – from rigorous manual work done when he was growing up in the countryside
    – very curious about me and keen on figuring me out
    – smart, observant and perceptive
    – open, forthright asking direct but considered questions in a polite and gentle manner
    – demonstrates courage and a willingness to take risks even if it results in failure (appears to have the attitude which seems to say ‘at least I (he) have tried’)
    – respects my boundaries and won’t call me after 8 pm as per my request
    – listens very keenly to me and surprises me with follow up questions about something or the other that I mentioned in passing
    – will absolutely not look at another woman in my presence – I tested this and found that I was very happy because I was totally not expecting it
    – he is very close to his family (single parent home and with deceased father) – actively hangs out with his sisters who he lives with and appears to be very close with and respectful of them and of females generally
    – he has made me laugh out loud on more than one occasion 🙂
    – appears to mentally processes things very deeply
    – he has complimented me a lot – smile, beauty, laughter, dressing, intelligence etc

    Downside –
    – may be dealing with some rejection issues coming from a girl who broke his heart in the past (3 years ago)
    – really not a good dresser
    – not particularly handsome *though I find that I am increasingly I’m looking forward to listening to him, speaking to him and being around him)
    – we had a very intense conversation last week and though I fought valiantly to maintain virtual virginity, I’m not sure that I was completely successful. It came to light that I do have a spotted past (but no details) – to this he said that a lady must never be afraid of starting over.
    It also came to light that he’s a virgin (I’m at least 99%) sure of this.
    – I think I’m talking too much (in my defense he’s so much fun to talk to) and I’m concerned particularly about the mystery aspect of this

    Questions –
    1. How do I proceed in light of my end goal being marriage to a good solid man with steady character.
    *He brought up a discussion about marriage on his own accord and made very clear statements about what he wants. I proceeded to entertain the discussion oh-so-casually (at least I tried my best to do so with lots of lighthearted laugher and friendly banter but I was honest about the fact that I’m not looking to ‘just kick it’ right now in life)
    2. Does his status as a virgin make him less of a man in his own head? He’s 30 years old and from my observation he doesn’t seem to have hang ups about it and it has not been for want of opportunities (but I would like some manly feedback here)
    3. With continued interaction there will obviously be the continued loss of mystery – what to do?
    4. I do feel like I have met a remarkable individual and though I want to communicate sincere admiration, I do not want to make it a big deal that I think so because I think it may have undesired effects
    5. Is it completely shallow of me that his bad dressing distresses me?
    6. I have observed that other women do notice him and go out of their way to indicate interest. He’s not stupid and he is aware of this. How do I handle this? *Let me be clear that I do not want to compete with other women simply because I’ve been the insecure aggressive woman in the past and I did not like how it made me feel about myself. Incidentally, I feel safe, clean and hopeful around him. I don’t know whether that’s of any value to this but I’m done now and I look forward to all your responses.

    Thank you

    *Sir Guy, I am enjoying this new series very much. A lot of background information to process though

    • Beloved

      Miss prettybeans, I would suggest being extremely patient, he obviously isn’t completely sure about you or maybe marriage. Focus on yourself and what you have in your own life. Don’t put all your relationship eggs in one man’s basket. That way if it doesn’t work out, you won’t be so disappointed, and can easily move on to the next one. Also, can you be less available somehow? Let him miss your presence and see what happens. That might bring back some of the mystery. Where is she? Where has she been? He may also need time to get over his hurt before he’s ready to chance it again.And as far as other women interested in him, be the one he somehow can’t easily have, even though that totally goes against what we women think is right.

    • Lyndeeloo

      Prettybeans,

      He sounds nice and interesting based on your description. May I ask: what is the nature of your relationship with him? Is he dating/courting you? Or are you in the “talking/hanging out” phase? I might have different suggestions, depending on what kind of relationship you have with this young man.

      Lyndeeloo

    • Cinnamon

      Prettybeans,

      He sounds quite promising, and I think you are doing a great job so far. My take on your questions:

      1. Just keep reviewing the articles in the Content section of this blog. All the answers lie within those articles (and don’t forget the comments section). Don’t get lazy in this regard. Study, study, study!!!

      2. I can’t say for sure, but if he is secure in his Christian faith, my guess is “no” (I base this on real-life knowledge, but regretfully I can’t get into the details, as they would involve betrayal of confidences).

      3. See #1.

      4. See #1.

      5. Hmmm…how bad is “bad”? Are we talking Metallica t-shirts and ugly, ill-fitting, stripey slacks with hideous shoes, white socks, and a baseball hat – all meant in an un-ironic way? 🙂 Can you “live with” his poor dressing habits, or is it like nails on a chalkboard to your aesthetic sensibility? Speaking personally, I have a pretty wide aesthetic scope when considering a man’s dress habits. It would take A LOT to put me off a man as nice as he sounds in this regard. So unless his dress habits are TRULY “revolting,” I would say you are indeed being a bit shallow, and undermining your own best interests by focusing on this. I mean, he can’t be THAT awful of a dresser if he works for a multi-national! Just my 2 cents though….

      6. See #1

      I look forward to following the progress of this 🙂

    • Eric

      Miss Prettybeans:

      1. It sounds like you’re wanting to move things to the next level. The others had good advice on reading about women as relationship experts; i.e. take a more proactive role in managing things. But note carefully if responds by taking a more active leadership role, if he doesn’t it may be a bad sign.

      2. I’m not sure how to answer this one. Male self-restraint is one thing, indifference to sex is another. He has rejection issues from 3 years ago; other women show interest in him; he’s had opportunities for sex; but has a special pride in being a virgin: something in this picture doesn’t seem right. But this is more an intuition than anything else. Maybe the other men can give some insight.

      3 & 4: same as #1; moving to the next level will create more mystery for him to figure out.

      5: No: but you might discreetly point out to him that you find certain modes of dress attractive.

      6: Follow the same tactic as rebuffing hits on these other women to let them know that they are on your territory.

    • That Horse Is Dead

      Miss Prettybeans,

      I love your thoughtfulness:) Regarding the dressing, I think there will be opportunities as the relationship progresses to drop seeds, but for now make it a non-issue. Perhaps wear more dresses and heels. If it’s any consolation, my dad became a “sharp dressed man” after marrying my stepmother so it happens. Sir Guy always stresses patience as one of your most important virtues. Enjoy spending time with him, which it sounds like you are, and let the relationship evolve naturally. As long as he is still returning for dates it is a good sign. The problem is if he’s not taking you on formal dates. I believe Sir Guy has also mentioned the importance of formality in dating and courting (see post “dating: formalities”). Recover from your past disclosures by being more aware of how much you are talking and disclosing. I remember reading in a comment that you should let a man know you are in love him…after the wedding. I took this to mean that he never feels like he has you completely captured (see posts “Boyfriend as king, never” and “delay the first kiss”). And in all things remember, YOU are the buyer not the seller. Keep exploring whether or not he’s Mr. GoodEnough through his actions that indicate character and devotion.

  2. Sarina

    Thank you Sir Guy, I don’t wanna blame men in my country cause women are mostly at fault for the awful state men are in, but they’re basically insulting if you don’t fawn over them..that’s the current situation. I feel like I need inhumane amount of patience not to respond the same way, but in the end I do respond because they get me, they know exactly where to offend a woman, so I retaliate and only frustrate myself further, it’s as if they want me to be rude to them.

    I’m giving up on trying, I simply let it be, don’t wanna hold grudges, but whenever I see a local man I see annoyance and disgusting language, I don’t wanna bash, I simply wanna detach and not care one bit about any of their words.

  3. prettybeans

    Thank you for all your responses!
    Lady Lyndeeloo,
    We are definitely not courting because that would follow a ‘formal asking out’ which has not happened and we both seem to appreciate the importance and effect of this. We have not met outside church activities though he calls me almost every day. So I would say that we are just talking for now. I welcome your thoughts..

    Lady Cinnamon,
    Like you I cannot make a completely accurate conclusion about his heart and the contents thereof but based purely on what I have seen, he does seem dedicated to his faith. He’s been actively involved in leadership roles since he was a teenager which information has been available to me just from an initial google search, people also speak highly of him and he appears to be fairly trustworthy.
    As for his dressing, it’s certainly not revolting (you make me laugh) but I would say that it’s just uninspired..he’s tall and lanky and has slightly slumped shoulders which doesn’t help..but this is not a life and death issue. I will not be lazy – this is so much fun 🙂

    Gentleman Eric
    1. I am aware that I am comparing him to my ex who was passive and unmotivated and I see a stark contrast here. I’m not sure whether this fits into what you describe as a more active leadership role but like I said, I have observed that this gentleman is quite forthright as far as communicating with me – he emails/texts and calls with satisfactory frequency, when we have met he prefers to pay and has been extremely reluctant to ‘go-dutch’ (though I insisted on this the first time we had lunch together and even then he only agreed for me to pay for my drink), he has suggested several things that we can do together including reviewing a book together, appreciates my ultra femininity and always compliments me (funny how he really likes how I dress!), he has gone out of his way to introduce me to his friends on his own volition (and they seem like fairly focused and steady people) and has engineered random meetings (by ‘bumping into me’ during a formal function on two occasions)
    *Re marriage – I am not ready to get married right now but I am keen not to waste time on dead end interactions. So far I don’t see any red flags

    2. From what I have heard he has definitely had opportunity to indulge but has chosen to exercise restraint and walk in purity as his faith instructs him. I am aware that there have been dalliances with porn and possibly masturbation (more of putting two and two together to make four rather than an outright admission y him) and on one occasion it was also rather obvious that he was excited to be around me (and blushed when I noticed the same) so I don’t think this indicates an indifference to sex. However, there is no way I can prove what exactly all this means and so I would very much like to hear what other gentlemen on this forum think

    5. We have had pleasant conversations about what I find to be attractive dressing and at the very least it appears that he is not hostile to some tips however I do not want to cross the line and start mothering him or stifling the fact that he’s a fully functioning human being who has been living a robust life long before I came into the picture and will continue to do so if things go awry. Incidentally, whenever I meet a person (whether male or female) I always ask myself – if this person never changes can I handle this?

    Lady That Horse Is Dead,
    Thank you for the lovely compliment 🙂 and I am duly consoled by your comment with respect to your father. Patience patience patience…We have not been on a formal date yet (see above response to Lady Lyndeeloo). I do not think that I am making providing an excuse and I do appreciate that this is something noteworthy to consider but I have noticed that he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has been working 10 hour days during the weekdays (audit season at work and he’s also seeking a promotion from middle to senior management) but I have observed that he has made the time to reach out to me almost ever day or every other day. I also get the impression that he is trying to get as much background information as possible so as to do something nice but not ostentatious – I have intimated that I find ostentatious displays to be a little bit of a put off. But I don’t know.
    I have rebuffed him severally without actually meaning to (I didn’t really notice him for a long time) but now that I think about it he had been trying to meet up with me for a few weeks before we were actually in the same space (as I also travel for work quite a bit)

    Your thoughts Sir Guy?

    Your Highness Prettybeans,
    My thoughts? Wow! You have your life well in hand. You sense it. Forum dialogue keeps developing better views of what you’ve already won, which brightens the future, which means to just stay on track. You know what you are doing so don’t change until you see a red flag. You’re already blessed, so keep being your ever-loving, charming self with the knowledge that you’re beautiful in his eyes even if he lacks the sense to speak it. (The attire thingy will come around to your way of thinking even though it may be a long time off.)
    Guy

  4. prettybeans

    You make my heart smile Sir Guy 🙂
    Thank you

    Your Highness Prettybeans,
    That’s the way you’re the most beautiful.
    Guy

    • Lyndeeloo

      Prettybeans,

      Since you are not formally courting, but are open to the idea (yes? 😉) I would tell you to stay the (feminine) course and what is meant to happen will happen!

      1) Don’t worry about him or any particular man in this area. You know what you want, so proceed in confidence that you WILL someday be married to a good man. He’ll prove to be that man or he won’t. Don’t put the cart before the horse.

      2) I don’t know if it affects his sense of masculinity or not. I know a man about the same age who remained chaste until his wedding earlier this year. On one hand he was proud of his commitment to his morals (taught by his family and church) and on the other hand, he would never have admitted his virginity to others. I was told through a roundabout fashion and he would’ve been embarrassed to know that I’d been told. I’m not a man, but it would seem that virginity is not something men (even Chistian men) are too keen to advertise. I’m not sure why he has shared this with you or what his purpose is in doing so. Don’t let his sharing that with you make you feel as though you should disclose too much to him.

      3) You can maintain mystery by continuing to let him lead conversations and work at getting answers from you. I feel that mystery is more of an attitude than a number of unknown details. Does that make sense? I’m not sure I verbalized it the way I wanted to.

      4) See number 3! I think they go hand in hand. Reveal things slowly and indirectly. Showing respect also communicates admiration, I think.

      5) No; I don’t think it is shallow. My number one tip (for anything that is less than pleasing to you) is this: if you don’t care for what he’s wearing, say nothing about his clothing. If he does look more polished one day, COMPLIMENT what you like about it. The absence of expressing pleasure is the clearest form I have ever found to communicate displeasure to a man. You might be amazed how quickly this tactic informs a man how to please you!

      6) I’d encourage you to show absolutely no signs of concern or jealousy toward other women. Showing jealousy somehow seems to put a woman in the seller mode, as if she’s trying to prove herself by outselling other women. If he gets attention from other women, smile mysteriously to yourself and remember YOU are the buyer and he must impress you.

      Best of luck! Please keep us updated.

      Your Highness Lyndeeloo,
      Immensely valuable, well done to you.
      Guy

  5. prettybeans

    Thank you Lady Lyndeeloo!
    1. Yes I’m open to it
    2. His virginity is a deduction I have made. He has not and I don’t think he will make an explicit declaration about this.
    3. This is a great suggestion. Mystery is indeed an attitude..I have understood what you have said and will work on listening more and allowing him to lead conversation.
    5. It has never occurred to me that a lack of comment in this regard is actually an expression of displeasure – how excellent.
    6. Ditto 🙂
    I echo Sir Guy and say that I find this to be extremely valuable and I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
    Sleep well

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