2222. Don’t Say “I Love You”


Subject: Single women make their relationships more shallow. They’re far too eager to say, “I love you.”

Women say I love you to feel good about themselves. They say it to energize a man into responding the same. And, they say it to ‘grow’ his love of her. And they think that it works the way they wish. Not so.

The following reasons are developed out of natural traits of both men and women. The reasons work against women who volunteer those three little words to proclaim their love, make themselves feel good, and add emotional stability to their relationships. All legitimate reasons but they fly in the face of the masculine nature.

  1. ‘I love you’ has a very different effect on men than on you. In fact, almost opposite of what women expect. You expect it will double his interest in you but not so. It reduces his interest in what he has to do to keep your relationship going the way he wants or expects.
  2. Men change their intentions when they receive new information. Being loved doesn’t make them love more or return it. In fact, it makes them ambitious, so what comes next? Expect conquest sooner?
  3. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. If he hears those words before he’s put forth his best effort, he figures you’re less worthy than he expected earlier. He should have to earn those words the same way he should earn both your hand in marriage and conquest. His having to earn you makes you worthy. Prolonging his earning you thus makes you worthier.
  4. Saying I love you before he demonstrates his devotion in effect turns you into the seller and him into buyer. If he doesn’t have to earn you, then he’s not the seller.
  5. If he knows he’s loved, he doesn’t have to show that he feels the same or demo his devotion as women naturally do. It reduces the affection you normally receive when he’s working to earn those three little words.
  6. Men don’t disclose their emotions. Women use those words to reveal their emotions in order to convince men they are loved. Men don’t need to hear the words; they expect actions out of which they figure they are loved. Having won that phase of the game, men needn’t try any harder to win the next phase, conquest.
  7. A man seeking to win a woman is uncomfortable as he seeks signs that he’s winning. While he’s uncomfortable, he’s willing to change his habits and techniques in order to achieve his goals. It means greater effort to please you, which morphs into devotion through repetitive actions.
  8. Men shift into comfort mode after hearing I love you. Comfort satisfies men and they see less reason to please you.
  9. The more you say I love you to a man, the less he seeks to please you and less attention he pays to what all else you say, are, or do.
  10. In effect, men receive I love you as saying he won’t lose you now. It works much like conquest. He knows how you’re playing the game and he won the first phase, so he can play it more comfortably. You’re committed to him, and perhaps without his having committed to you.
  11. A man doesn’t need words to confirm your love; he expects to see your actions that he interprets as your love. Specifically, do you demonstrate loyalty to him and do you consider him likeable above most other men? Does ‘I love you’ fulfill those expectations?
  12. Women use those three little words because it makes them feel good about themselves. You are doing what you do best, and so you are pressured to say it out loud. Perhaps too, he will be more interested in loving you or so you hope.
  13. Soon as a guy hears I love you, he shifts gears and speeds up for conquest. If he never hears the three words, he faces uncertainty about how eager to move forward, which slows him down, which takes pressure off you for sex.

Consequently, women mistakenly volunteer their love prematurely. “I love you” convinces a man that he has it made with you. His comfort rises and he does far less to please and convince that he’s the one for you.

Even though men are the dominant sex, women should dominate dating, courtship, and engagement relationships. If they don’t, then effectively women also give up control of their relationships. Experts shouldn’t do that.

When should you say I love you? How about one of these: a) He proves to you that he’s devoted and cherishes you and is first to say it. b) When he proposes and you tie it in with your acceptance speech?

38 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, sex difference

38 responses to “2222. Don’t Say “I Love You”

  1. Beloved

    With all due respect, I don’t think women say “I love you” to feel good about themselves or to grow his love of her. I think they say it because they feel it (or believe they feel it) much sooner than he does. Yes, if you love someone you are desperate to hear it (and have it be true) back to you. No one likes that “unrequited love” thing.

    Your Highness Beloved,

    I knew I would get a lot of heat about this one, so for the sake of clarity I rearrange your comment.

    Beloved: “I think they say it because they feel it (or believe they feel it) much sooner than he does.”

    Guy: Of course About the timing, I agree. When they feel it, why are they eagerly motivated to express it? They do it so often, they must be successful and so they must get a good feeling (or something else) from it. They’re motivated by either the thought of affirming it to a loved one or the expectation it will be returned favorably. Either and both ways, it seems that she’s motivated by feeling good about herself. Also, each time she says it sincerely she’s reinforcing her sense of self-importance, which makes her feel good since someone’s reply confirms her prime motivational force once again.

    Beloved: “Yes, if you love someone you are desperate to hear it (and have it be true) back to you. No one likes that “unrequited love” thing.”

    Guy: I agree. If desperate to hear it back, then initiating makes her feel good since she doesn’t expect to be disappointed. The words are just the trigger that reconfirm her importance to someone she loves and knows loves her.

    Beloved: “I don’t think women say “I love you” to feel good about themselves or to grow his love of her.”

    Guy: WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves. Women feed on feeling good about themselves and say it so often and eagerly that they must feel good about themselves just saying it.

    As to growing a man’s love, do you affirm that a woman isn’t motivated to hope that her claims to love him won’t impress him such that it increases his love of her? You and I differ greatly on that one. It’s always in her self-interest to see his love for her magnified, so why wouldn’t she try to improve her lot in life by shaping his opinion in her favor?

    You’re a tough cookie today, darling, but I appreciate your attention and opportunity to clarify our thinking.

    Guy

    • Beloved

      Wow, no “heat” intended. Rather perplexed right now as to why you took it that way. I guess I thought it had a much friendlier tone. You never got over my remark that you can be somewhat chauvinistic did you?

      Your Highness Beloved,

      Wow, honey, you take it wrong. “Heat” for me is plenty bewilderment or disagreement headed my way; used it that way in Navy life and many decades since. No way was it meant as you slamming me or vice versa. Just a routine bit of slang.

      Both comments are very friendly. As to previous remark, I can’t remember it even after you mention calling me chauvinistic. I wasn’t then or now even slightly offended although I don’t think I am one. Name calling never includes enough details to settle any disagreement, so it lacks worth to me.

      Rest assured, you’re a sweetheart to this blog and author. You’re too clear and too interested in clarity for me to think otherwise.

      Guy

      • Beloved

        Oh good, I love it when handsome men aren’t mad at me! (And call me a sweetheart!)

        Your Highness Beloved,
        Thanks for the payday.
        Guy

    • I completely agree with you 100%, Guy! We often show love in the way that we want to be loved. If a woman is desperate to hear “I love you,” then verbal stroking is likely her primary love language, meaning she needs to both say it and hear it from the man to feel good and keep her love tank full.
      Despite the protests and verbal volleying, no one can deny the truth, “We all do what makes us feel good about ourselves.”
      If a woman cannot resist the urge to succumb to her feelings and overwhelming desires, then her own words will betray her intent. Women tend to have difficulty keeping their emotions under wraps and are often guilty of “feeling out loud,” because they are feelers. When they blurt out those three words, they can hardly help it! Unless if they’ve been coached and trained in superior dating and mating strategies.

  2. Beloved

    Sorry to bug you again:) This is a really great article. But it leaves me with some questions; don’t men want to be loved by a woman who loves them? If, let’s say, he really does love her, wouldn’t it kinda hurt if he said it and she didn’t say it back? And, if he loves her, wouldn’t he not care as much about conquest so soon because he wants to make sure he doesn’t lose her? Let’s say in this scenario that she somehow knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he does love her before they even start dating. Also, if he definitely does love her, isn’t he already devoted to her or does she still have to make him jump through hoops?

    Your Highness Beloved,

    I love it when pretty women bug me.

    I’m going to break up your comment this time too.

    Beloved: “…don’t men want to be loved by a woman who loves them? If, let’s say, he really does love her, wouldn’t it kinda hurt if he said it and she didn’t say it back?”

    Guy: In your view and question, how does he love her? As men love or as women want men to love? Big difference.

    If he truly loves her as a man loves, it wouldn’t hurt all that much. Perhaps disappointment but that would likely increase his determination. (Read 1760 re love at first sight and 1967 re they love differently.)

    If she thinks he loves as women do, she would feel hurt for him for not responding with her claim of loving him.

    Beloved: “And, if he loves her, wouldn’t he not care as much about conquest so soon because he wants to make sure he doesn’t lose her?”

    Guy: Yes.

    Beloved: “Let’s say in this scenario that she somehow knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he does love her before they even start dating. Also, if he definitely does love her, isn’t he already devoted to her or does she still have to make him jump through hoops?”

    Guy: To make him jump through hoops has two effects: 1) She loses respect for him and dumps him. 2) She lost a better man than she is a woman.

    Guy

    • Beloved

      Ok, by “jump through hoops” I didn’t mean she mistreats him. I only meant that you have said she needs to basically make sure he’s devoted to her. But what does that mean again? Like. what would getting him to be devoted look like in a dating relationship? And I’m sorry if you’ve answered this before, but there is so much info on your site (that’s a good thing!) I can’t always sift through and find the truly good nuggets that I need at the time. Thanks! And I don’t really think you’re a chauvinist, I think you are just from a different time that I was not raised in. Oh, also, Eric had said that men have the same “love” feelings toward women that women have toward men even though the dynamics are different. So, if she feels love as affection and during sex, does he feel love while he’s doing things for her? Can you explain that? It’s still so confusing.

      Your Highness Beloved,

      Beloved: “Ok, by “jump through hoops” I didn’t mean she mistreats him. I only meant that you have said she needs to basically make sure he’s devoted to her. But what does that mean again? Like. what would getting him to be devoted look like in a dating relationship?”

      Guy: Devotion anytime appears the same. It means that he pleases himself by pleasing her primarily with actions and very few words. She sees devotion when his actions match his words and combined they both please and compliment her.

      Beloved: “I think you are just from a different time that I was not raised in.”

      Guy: Yes, right, true and very different. But we’re only man-woman different here since this blog is all about how the sexes are born differently.

      Beloved: “Eric had said that men have the same “love” feelings toward women that women have toward men even though the dynamics are different.”

      Guy: Masculine love is based on his respect of her, her virtues (qualities he admires), and his expectations of her faithfulness. It all compounds into what he goes by, the critical factors, which is best observed by witnessing his loving if not loveable behavior.

      He sees his love this way: He is loyal to her and immensely enjoys her likeability. It’s love built on respect, her virtuous nature, and belief that she could never betray him with infidelity. In return, he expects her love to appear primarily as loyalty to him and appreciation of his likeable nature. To him, that means she loves him. All else is trivial as long as all goes smoothly loyal and likeable. He knows he’s likeable and expects her to confirm it. (Article 1967 describes more interactive details.)

      Beloved: “So, if she feels love as affection and during sex, does he feel love while he’s doing things for her? Can you explain that? It’s still so confusing.”

      Guy: Feel love doing things for her? No, not like women think of it. Doing things for her are duty for him. He expects to do his duty for which he expects no rewards simply because they are duty. He expects to fulfill them; it’s his responsibility and he’s responsible first to himself.

      His duty includes pleasing her, which he carries out by pleasing himself to please her. She’s an obligation and he enjoys fulfilling obligations. In the end, his love is quite unlike hers, which is to be expected. She’s born soft-hearted and it enables her emotion-laden love. He’s born hard-hearted and it enables him to load up with love according to practical considerations.

      As for affection and sex, see the series, 1871-1873.

      Guy

      • Beloved

        Ok, I was about to say, “oh, so for her it’s an emotion thing and for him it’s a brain/duty thing.” But then I started thinking, well then how can you break a man’s heart? Why is my guy friend so in pain at his wife’s leaving him? (Very sad, crying and depressed).Is it just the rejection that makes him sad because he isn’t “significant” to her anymore? He’d have to “feel” something in order for there to be that kind of pain I would think. Does any other woman understand this better than I do or know what I am trying to say here? I keep sensing that what you are saying Guy is that there is no real emotion, only duty, etc? Not saying it’s wrong I just don’t get men as being almost totally emotionless.They certainly aren’t emotionless when it comes to anger and other emotions, so why love? I think that’s where I still struggle with how they love differently, because I do understand the duty/obligation part but it would seem there would be more than that. Sorry if I wear you out on this one but it is a tough one.

        Your Highness Beloved,

        Beloved: “But then I started thinking, well then how can you break a man’s heart? Why is my guy friend so in pain at his wife’s leaving him? (Very sad, crying and depressed). Is it just the rejection that makes him sad because he isn’t “significant” to her anymore? He’d have to “feel” something in order for there to be that kind of pain I would think.”

        Guy: You witness his reacting to lessons learned in life and emotions that built up from his actions. My descriptions come from the way men are born. They aren’t loaded with emotions as women are. But, their actions program their heart. Your friend spent many years satisfying himself with showing his attention, affection, and interest in his wife.

        As you point out, it isn’t rejection, although that hits the ego, it’s more of his being hollowed out by no way to earn self-admiration, lack of satisfaction pleasing himself to please her, and the end result being loss of significance. It’s tremendously emotional for him because he did such a good and continuous job fulfilling his responsibility, doing what he’s made for, and suddenly loses what his life was built around. Her departure left him empty, and he probably never saw it coming, which empties him further.

        Beloved: “Does any other woman understand this better than I do or know what I am trying to say here? I keep sensing that what you are saying Guy is that there is no real emotion, only duty, etc? Not saying it’s wrong I just don’t get men as being almost totally emotionless. They certainly aren’t emotionless when it comes to anger and other emotions, so why love? I think that’s where I still struggle with how they love differently, because I do understand the duty/obligation part but it would seem there would be more than that. Sorry if I wear you out on this one but it is a tough one.”

        Guy: He learned in life to love as you witness his emotional reactions. He’s not born that way. If you don’t have it, you can’t give it away. Women are born with self-love, men are not. They are even born hard-hearted. He programmed his heart and mind with loving emotion from lessons learned growing up and with his woman.

        A man has to learn to love, which he expresses with actions that please him to please a woman. Our actions program our heart. Loving actions program us to love much the same as hateful actions program us to hate. After he spent years full of devotion for her, his sense of responsibility prevailed, he carried out his routine duties, and each action added a little more emotional concentration within his heart aka subconscious mind.

        Reinforcement followed reinforcement and made his emotional connections grow and grow. Such reinforced loving actions compounded into emotion-laden love.

        That’s why he’s so overwhelmed at his loss. The root of women’s ability to love comes with birth. The root of men’s ability to love begins to grow in childhood. Results can be pretty much the same but for far fewer men than women.

        Guy

        • Beloved

          This helps clear things up for me. I get it now that their nature is one thing and how they’ve been raised can make them a completely different person. Explains why men really can be very different from each other also. Thanks Guy!

          • Femme

            Hi Beloved,
            I just read this article and wanted to thank you for probing Sir Guy on men’s ability to love.
            It explained why I’ve always had a feeling I couldn’t connect with my son in quite the same way as I could with my daughter.
            He has always (from the day he could sit up on his own) been way too independent (for my liking, that is) and seemed only to need me when he was hungry. Other than that, he busied himself with interacting with the world around him and barely noticed my presence.
            I have to say that at this stage I’m quite disheartened because, as I understand, we as women cannot “do” anything to make a man fall in love with us. It seems it’s just completely up to him and his agenda.
            At least, it is so in the beginning.
            The thing I still don’t understand is this: do guys feel love in their hearts or is it all in their minds? Sir Guy said actions program hearts, but does it mean they OPEN hearts? Is it possible for women to connect with men on a heart level or is it just a myth and wishful thinking on the part of women?
            I’m sorry if I sound naive or ignorant… but the more I read this blog the more questions I have.

            Your Highness Femme,

            I QUOTE YOU IN lower case AND RESPOND IN UPPER CASE.

            It explained why I’ve always had a feeling I couldn’t connect with my son in quite the same way as I could with my daughter. IT’S BECAUSE HE IS NOT FEMALE.

            I have to say that at this stage I’m quite disheartened because, as I understand, we as women cannot “do” anything to make a man fall in love with us. RIGHT, AND THE HARDER YOU TRY THE LESS EFFECTIVE YOU WILL BECOME TRYING. It seems it’s just completely up to him and his agenda. PRETTY MUCH TRUE, BECAUSE WOMEN CAN ONLY “DO” WHAT MAKES THEM MORE ATTRACTIVE, CLASSIER, MORE VIRTUOUS, AND MORE DESIROUS AND LET MEN PICK AND CHOOSE WHO TO PURSUE.

            At least, it is so in the beginning. AND MOST OF THE TIME.

            The thing I still don’t understand is this: do guys feel love in their hearts or is it all in their minds? MOSTLY IN THEIR MINDS. WHAT PROGRAMS IN THEIR HEART IS HABITS TO SHOW RESPECT, PLEASE A PARTICULAR WOMAN, KEEP HIS ATTENTION FOCUSED ON ONE OR MORE WOMEN. IT IS NOT LOVE AS WOMEN FEEL IT OR EXPRESS IT. Sir Guy said actions program hearts, but does it mean they OPEN hearts? NO. A MAN’S HEART OPENS ACCORDING TO HOW WELL HE WAS TAUGHT IT IN CHILDHOOD. Is it possible for women to connect with men on a heart level or is it just a myth and wishful thinking on the part of women? WISHFUL THINKING, AS MEN DO NOT LOVE AS WOMEN LOVE.

            Guy

            • Femme

              Sir Guy,
              that was very informative.
              I don’t like it one bit, the way men are made. It’s alien and I will probably never understand why.
              But things are a lot clearer now.
              Thank you.

    • Yin

      “And, if he loves her, wouldn’t he not care as much about conquest so soon because he wants to make sure he doesn’t lose her?”

      I’m wondering why does a man think that conquest will make him lose her?

      Your Highness Yin,
      It’s not conquest itself. It’s his trying and pushing harder that may lead to losing her. That he fears.
      Guy

  3. My Husband's Wife

    What a brilliant article diving into the differences between men and women and how those three words, I LOVE YOU, are interpreted differently. You touched on a pretty controversial topic with this one!

    I would have to agree from what I’ve seen that women are heavily focused on these words—the importance of saying them and the importance of hearing them. I think #1, as you state, saying it makes women feel good. But #2, it can be used as barometer of the relationship. All is well if he’s saying, “I love you.” Unfortunately it give a woman false results many times. They think “all is well, he said, ‘I love you!'” yet he doesn’t treat her very well. So it muddies thinking, I believe.

    Now that I think of it, would it be correct to say that letting him say “I LOVE YOU” first allows him to be more of the “leader” in the relationship…which sets up the stage for him leading later leading in marriage? I’m thinking in Biblical terms: as woman, we willingly submit/respond to what we are given by our husband and allowing him to lead. To me, a woman leading with “I love you” to a man she isn’t married to yet seems to flip the roles around. Just as it flips her from buyer to seller as well.

    Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
    Your last paragraph is the brilliant one. Thanks. You confirm what I only suspected. Great day for me, darling.
    Guy

  4. Yin

    I’m so happy to see my instincts confirmed again and again! It really makes me feel safe to trust my feelings. But I have a question. What if he says it? I read a comment of yours that said that if a man exposed his true feelings and received zero or near-zero feedback, he had lost the competition and would withdraw to lick his wounds. I realize that not saying it back doesn’t mean to give no feedback, but how can we balance this?

    Your Highness Yin,

    If he says it first, you have no proof that it’s sincere and men have been known to deceive a little.

    Don’t worry about the feedback he receives. If he sees you think he’s likeable and he really does love you, he’ll not give up but keep trying. “I love you too” isn’t nearly the good feedback for him that other expressions can be. For example, “I’m working on that myself. In the meantime, let’s just keep getting used to each other and see where that takes us. You’re making progress taking us where you think we oughta go.”

    Guy

  5. Mia

    Sir Guy,
    this article is a gem. It’s strange, in recent times I have found so much confirmation for the “theorems” you write about that I wonder, if it all has become a self fulfilling prophecy for me. You wrote about the relative importance of respect as compared to love some days ago and I promptly apply this to what I see in daily life and find validation. It confuses me. I wonder, if that has to do with lack of life experience…

    Your Highness Mia,
    No, it has to do with too much exposure to faulty thinking and your experience that comes out of that. Yes to lack of quality experience dealing with people.
    Guy

  6. eighteen

    Reblogged this on myfemininecore.

  7. Eric

    Sir Guy:
    I think you have a good point. Contrary to what the Manosphere Gamers say, the man should be the first to commit by declaring himself and the women can build on, or turn away from it as they choose.


    Sir Eric,

    You’re right. Men become the sellers until women buy into the MGTOW philosophy. Then, men can return to the more natural way of life where he’s the buyer and she’s the seller.

    If a woman convinces a MGTOW to pursue her, he expects her promise not to interfere or try to reverse his MGTOW philosophy. If he can’t find that promise within her, he retains his isolationist lifestyle.

    Dominance works like that; my way or the highway and MGTOW men have been pushed into that role by women who won’t recognize the importance of having men in their lives.

    Guy

  8. Cocoa

    Cannot agree more. Brilliant article. Not saying I love you, should be the core of her modest and feminine nature. Why put herself in that situation? Why expose her feelings when she is not sure, 110% sure of his feelings (aka devotion). A self respecting woman should never expose her feelings like this. Enough that our soft feminine nature betray us every now and then, but she should always collect herself and be poised and graceful. Men truely in love are not interested in such words.

    Never easy for me to say these words. Not even after many years. My love is evident in my patience, my perseverance and my giving. I don’t even think I said it to my children, but they know for sure how much I love them.

    Again, a brilliant, spot on article sir Guy.

    • MeowMeow

      Really like your response Cocoa. Making love evident in action seems far more meaningful to me these days too. i used to say it a lot. Now I try to show it more than I say it…..(I do say I love you at times, but I used to “Throw it around” too much and the words started to lose their depth.)

      • Cocoa

        Thanks dear Meow. As you rightly said, too much and the depth and meaning is lost. Like everything around us – too much equals cheap. For me it’s not like I am holding back but none of my parents were verbally affectionate and so I am the same. MY husband always complains about this issue though. He says it too much. I almost never say it. I also do not trust men , don’t even like men, who express their feelings verbally. It’s either weak or insincere. But that’s just me!

  9. Madeleine

    Hi Sir Guy,
    Could I trouble you help me? I have a dilemma. On three occasions I have been more withdrawn and less cheerful around my fiancé because he has either said something teasing that is in a small way hurtful or he has not made an effort to organise something that is important to me (our 3 year anniversary) Previously I have let the similar types of matters slide (they are not too often and because I have acted like he hasn’t done anything wrong on those occasions, on these last three, he has been confused because he is still his usual self but it is noticeable that I am not my usual self. His usual self is overall mr good enough, but I worry there is a possibility that the negative teasing will become more frequent. I’ve noticed he doesn’t negatively tease the people he respects so it may be an indication that he is starting to respect me less as I lose the initial mystery that surrounds me – the mystery I had when he did not yet know me as well as he does now. On the third and most recent occasion he has tried to rectify what he thinks he has done wrong. But it was only after I was more direct with him and this shocked him, and promoted him to try and offer a solution. But I realise I can’t do this on many occasion as it’s impact will be less and he will start to resent me. I also made up an excuse for the first two occasions by later explaining that my withdrawal was due to the stresses of work (buts it’s not). This excuse seemed to relieve him a lot and on third occasion he tentatively asked I had had another stressful day at work.
    I’m not sure if what I am doing is the right way to communicate with him. Surely it’s fair to be direct with him and just say how I’m feeling (that I was disappointed that he said something hurtful or was not mindful if things that are important to me) because he doesn’t know what he’s done to upset me.

    Your Highness Madeleine,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Indirectness doesn’t seem to be working as you’d like. To me it means he doesn’t really know what not to do.

    May I suggest you try these two options.

    • Carefully, gently, but directly express your dislike of certain things. Focus on what you object to more than him personally. Let him conclude that he might be a culprit perhaps alone or perhaps with someone else involved.

    • Then, say nothing more. If and when he does it again, just flash a temporary look of displeasure and move on to something else.

    The first step is designed to let him conclude guilt instead of you foisting it on him. He’ll accept the guilt but not you imposing it directly. The second step takes indirectness to a new level. A blameless glance flashed to say ‘you did it again’ but then immediately forgotten.

    Guy

  10. Madeleine

    Sorry, pressed enter too soon. I should also add that he seems to be withdrawing from me slightly, due to pride I suspect.

    Not sure what to do, you help would be appreciated sir guy

    Your Highness Madeleine,
    My guess is that his withdrawal is caused by lack of satisfaction of pleasing you. He doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong, and so he’s dissatisfied for making you less than happy in his presence.
    Guy

    • Madeleine

      Thank you Sir Guy for you advice and attention. I have made a mistake then – on the third occasion, the way I was more direct with him was to blame him personally – it was one comment and nothing said further but I wonder what damage I have now done and how to fix? Should I gently apologise for blaming him personally? Say that I felt hurt and just move on? I’m not very comfortable with him thinking I’m moody because I can’t handle work stresses because I pride myself on being good at my job and bearing general life responsibilities well. His past girlfriend (I know her via friends of ours) is a very moody woman who likely blamed him for not spending enough time with her, pressured him to progress the relationship faster etc. She is the kind of woman that is rude to wait staff and smiling to her boyfriend.
      He ran from her after a short period. I don’t want him to fear being in a relationship, he is fairly cautious with showing his emotions already. Also I don’t want him to think all women are moody like that. Or even that I am myself like that and that after marriage I will be more moody.

      Shall I gently apologise and start afresh with your advice in mind? I feel bad for blaming him personally and perhaps he might feel better to know I feel bad about it? He’s already accepted vv reluctantly but without blame or mention so I think I should probably cut him more slack.

      Your Highness Madeleine,
      Don’t apologize. You’re trying to better control your emotions when someone hurts you. Ask him for advice on how you can do that. See what kind of convo that initiates.
      Guy

      • Madeleine

        Hi Sir Guy,

        Thank you, much appreciated.

        It seems to be partly working – he offered to take me to dinner tonight for our anniversary but I can’t as I am already committed with work. I believe it is only “partly” working because his offer came via text message at 5pm, close to dinner time, and if I had known this morning I would not have committed to the work function. I have decided to stick to the work function and not cancel to go to dinner with him. I’m slightly perturbed because at the end of our conversation he said “well, up to you” – as if to pass back the responsibility to me for not being able to take up his offer.

        In the phone conversation I said “Its cool, I committed to the work function this morning as I wasn’t sure we had any plans together tonight” (to which his response was “well, up to you”)

        Could it be the case that he doesn’t realise how important this gesture is to a lady in a relationship? Should I be so sensitive when he does do all that I ask him to do (although he does not do things spontaneously, only when I ask him to do them). Have I just taken away another opportunity for him to feel good about himself? (my gut is unsure about this due to his text message received so late in the day – and I would not want to feel he is doing this out of obligation. Although I am sure that at dinner he would be cheerful and happy to see me (and not be moody for feeling obliged to offer).

        So confused!

        Your Highness Madeleine,

        You ask, “Could it be the case that he doesn’t realise how important this gesture is to a lady in a relationship?” Sure.

        I ask: Could it be the case that you don’t realise how important it is to a man in a relationship that you show your loyalty to him and his likeability to you?

        If tonight is the dinner, I suggest that you reverse your decision by voice (not text) and tell him you just can’t forgo an evening with him, especially since he remembers it’s an anniversary.

        Guy

        • Madeleine

          Hi Sir Guy,

          Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it and I understand what you say, but with respect, he organised dinner so last minute that my changing plans to be with him demonstrates a low self respect for myself? That I will always rearrange my plans at his request? Particularly as he does not change his work plans for me.

          We’ve be talking about this anniversary for some time but he hasn’t indicated he thinks it’s important and only so when his family asked if we had planned anything for our anniversary did he take action.

          Still confused,
          Maddy

          Your Highness Madeleine,

          You keep the blame attached to him, Can you turn loose? Is forgiveness possible? Is he worthy of recovery?

          Is his behavior a red flag or intolerable? Warning or symbol of inadequacy? Undeserving of recovery much less forgiveness?

          You’re now in competition with him. Except for protecting your sexual assets, that’s hardly the way to keep a man’s loyalty and your likeability in his eyes, which—not incidentally—is his form of loving you.

          Guy

          • Madeleine

            Thank you Sir Guy, I am grateful for your advice.
            I’m not sure what you mean by “Can you turn loose?”
            Yes, forgiveness is definitely possible and expected. How best to do this? My instints says to apologise but not sure this is the best way?

  11. Madeleine

    I guess what I was hoping to do was to shock him once to prompt him to think inwardly about how much he values me. I realise now this was wrong to do.
    Could you describe how to fix? Should I put the blame back on me?

  12. Madeleine

    As prior to this I feel somewhat like a door mat

    Your Highness Madeleine,

    Turn loose of blaming him is what I meant in previous response.

    You feeling like a door mat is the real problem. Don’t take it any longer or it will get worse.

    However, ‘fixing’ it will be tougher for you than for him, but he’s the one who will likely change.

    First, expect to lose him. Expect him to withdraw either temporarily or permanently. The one most fearful of losing the other will lose in the end. So, proceed in what follows with willingness to do without him unless he lifts the door mat causes.

    Second, sit him down and stand over him. No preamble, no apology, and nothing but shock and awe on his end, calmly but clearly say this to him.

    • “You treat me like a door mat. Stop it or we’re through.”

    • Say nothing else. Don’t explain, don’t complain. Turn and walk away without another thought passing through the ether.

    • If he starts inquiring, stop and say, “You figure it out. Call me if you’re still interested in me.”

    • After that, act as though nothing ever happened, forever a closed subject.

    For the rest of your lives together, you need only mention ‘door mat’ for him to realize he crossed the threshold that offends you. After doing it once with a special glance into his eyes, you’ll need only use the glance to alert him and he’ll likely find a way to recover your favor.

    Guy

    P.S. Anything you do to make it easier on him—before or after—will nullify the effect of what you’re trying to achieve.
    G.

  13. Madeleine

    Thank you Sir Guy, I’m indebted to your time and advice.

    I’m not sure what my behavour should be regarding “Anything you do to make it easier on him – before or after – will nullify the effect on what you’re trying to achieve” —> Is being cheerful and happy to see him, likeable in his presence, considered making it easier on him? I wonder if he sees me happy will he think he is doing all he is required to do? And that he only has to just suffer a momentary glance and knows that after that moment everything is roughly back to normal?

    I’m also not sure what credit I should give him and when it is due. Should I give him credit for doing what he believes is his duty? I am generally thankful and praising of him when he does things that I think he would consider is his duty. How do I motivate him to do more than his duty without guilting him into doing it?

    There are two other things that concern me:
    1) He is generally resistant to take my advice unless it is proven (say by a third party’s comments) that I am unequivocally right. In nearly all cases I am right but I don’t brag about it.

    2) He gets frustrated/has small, short outbursts (mainly when driving) when the circumstances in the topic of discussion are not to his liking. (I usually back down)

    Many many thanks
    Maddy

    Your Highness Madeleine,

    1st para: If you’re addressing the door mat confrontation, don’t smile or be friendly. Cheerful and happy are out. Trying to be liked is definitely out. Be firm and determined. Make it a one-time, walk on, walk off scene and then forgotten as if you never did it.

    2nd para: Forget giving him credit for doing what he considers his duty. First, men don’t expect credit for doing his duty; his reward comes from inside. Second, ‘thank you’ doesn’t men much to men; it’s a woman’s duty to throw those words around with little justification for it. It’s like she’s trying to be liked, which works against everyone who tries it.

    When he pleases you, give him credit (other than ‘thank you’). But do it without explaining or complaining. Keep it general. My favorite is this: Men are never more handsome than when they please their wife (with a big smile looking right into his eyes).

    3rd para: It’s natural for a man to not take the advice of a woman. It fades as she gains his respect as a woman and filling the roles she has in life that affect him.

    You don’t have to brag about being right so often to upstage and thereby disappoint him. You need to find a way for him to get credit for having such a wonderful, always right, wife. Are you trying to do that? It would help.

    4th para: The symptoms suggest you compete with him and he rebels just so he doesn’t have to admit that he’s been outdone or beaten. IOW, he flees the convo before he loses. Your backing down confirms his success, which makes it unlikely he will change.

    If you seek to change the dialogue tone, try this. As soon as a subject opens, find a subtle way to admit that he’s right. Then go on to something else. It kills his need to prove that he’s right. No cause for outburst.

    Guy

  14. Madeleine

    Ps – sorry to message again, this is truly helpful to me

    On the topic of saying Thank you, you caution against using it, would it be expected that they should not use Thank you routinely either – that women should not expect thank yous from their men?

    Your Highness Madeleine,

    I don’t mean to caution against ‘thank you’. Just that it doesn’t mean to men what it does to women. Women use it often to keep mutual gratefulness alive because female happiness depends on a woman being grateful for herself and those in her life.

    Men use it seldom especially for duty-type effort such as housewife keeping the house. It’s not that men are ungrateful or take her for granted. It’s duty to them and therefore undeserving of special recognition.

    [Someday I’ll have to design some female techniques for getting the recognition they expect for the routine things in life.]

    Guy

    • Madeleine

      Hi Sir Guy
      Thank you so much!

      One last question -it’s a difficult one – how much does his acceptance of vv indicate his devotion? I should clarify that vv was reinstated after being conquered.

      How much credit do I give him for his gracious acceptance of this? I think it’s easy for a woman to abstain, but probably not so much for a man?

      Your Highness Madeleine,

      It doesn’t indicate his devotion but is minor part of it, since he so easily acquiesced to your newly adopted standard and expectation.

      Give him no credit directly. He doesn’t accept graciously. He accepts to make sure he doesn’t lose something more important, you.

      But give him credit for being so loyal to you and your relationship and making himself so likeable to you. However, leave vv out of his likeability. Treat that issue as just another way that he pleases his woman and makes himself so responsible, dependable, and good potential provider and protector of the woman of his dreams.

      Guy

  15. Shanna

    Mr. Guy,

    Another great post. I once read from another blogger on male/female relationships that telling a man “I love you” prematurely is like telling him the sky is blue. Mainly because men don’t spin their wheels wondering who’s gonna love them like women do. They see love as a given. From the time they’re born they’re shown love in action from mama, aunts, sisters, teachers, their high school sweetheart, etc,(of course there are exceptions to this) so they grow up expecting to be loved, not searching for it endlessly like many women do. Thus the “I love you” in the beginning of a relationship doesn’t hold the same weight for a man as it does for a woman.

    Your Highness Shanna
    Amen. You’re a sweetheart for mentioning it. Although I never thought of the background you describe, ‘I love you and the sky is blue’ rings a loud bell.
    Guy

  16. Newgirl

    Dear sir,

    I’ve stopped having sex with my boyfriend to try and improve our relationship but he takes it as, I don’t want to please him. Or don’t care to. Idk what to say or do. I also did it to see where his head is at when it comes to me. He has a baby mom, that he has been confused with and kept our relationship on and off because of it , and then he finally chose me. But sometimes am still not sure. as when he goes to see his baby, how him and his baby mom really relate, cause I’m not there. I stopped sex to see If that’s all he was in it for, it’s been three days now. This morning He says it feels like we are just friends. I’m still waiting on the outcome.

    Your Highness Newgirl,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    I interpret your relationship to look pretty much like this: You live together but he has another girlfriend and you stopped having sex in order to figure out who’s who, what’s what, and how permanent is your role in his future instead of his role in your future. Confusion reigns within both of you, right?

    I lack confirmation that I’m right. If correct, confirm it or give me a clearer description of your relationship. But don’t expect good news for keeping him around. He doesn’t appear worthy of you.

    I will help you work out a recovery plan if you give me more and clearer info. There’s plenty of hope in just one sentence, recovery is everything.

    Guy

    • Newgirl

      Yes, I stay over nights but I have my own humble labode. I basically am with him over his house alot. That’s exactly right.

      Your Highness Newgirl,

      You sound very young so I shall describe basic principles that govern how couples behave in relationships that are not going very far or satisfactorily for the female involved. I’m not advising; you’ll have to take control and shape your life as you want it to turn out.

      1. A man will do whatever a woman requires in order to have access to frequent and convenient sex. Your boyfriend has to do little or nothing. He even has two women. A man gains status and stature among peers when he can keep two women yielding sex without much bother for him. It’s why mistresses have such appeal to men; their competitors admire them or so it appears or the guy believes.

      2. Read his actions. He guilts you for not wanting to please him, which means you are at his disposal, which means that you’re booty at best and disposable at worst, which means you’re not worthy enough in his view, which means you’re temporary in his life, which means you’re not in charge of your life.

      3. There’s only one way to find out what emotional connections with a woman truly reside in a man’s heart. She denies having sex with him until his actions prove that he’s devoted to her. He cherishes her as uniquely his. He ranks sex as less important than her as person, woman, and sweetheart. If he doesn’t rise to her expectation for devotion, then he has decided she’s not worth his effort, ‘dumpable’, and sooner or later removes her from his life.

      4. Sex neither bonds men nor holds them in a relationship. Except for fun and pleasure, don’t count on sex to win or hold a man’s heart to you alone. Other women are similarly outfitted for sex; after a man conquers you, his nature frees him to look elsewhere.

      5. A woman is in charge of her life to the extent that she successfully withholds sex while enabling men to discover just who she is other than sexually attractive. She charms men with feminine likeability, enables them to discover her virtues (aka qualities each man admires), lets each man discover her fascination to him, and waits for one to see how promising she is as a potential lifetime partner. Enduring marriage arises out of that model.

      6. To a man, a woman is only as worthy as her sexual assets are important to him. Either she makes herself worthy in other ways, or she spends her life with many men passing through for sex but no man spending his life permanently just to have her with him.

      The one most fearful of losing the other will lose in the long run. IOW, if not just sex but you withdraw completely from boyfriend and it doesn’t bother him much, you’re neither important nor promising in his life. Frequent and convenient sex ‘buys’ you nothing. You’re booty for him with nothing but a dim future ahead for you. To find out where you truly stand, you have to vacate his life. If you’re more than sex to him, he will try to win you back. If that happens, make him start over to win you—after reading a lot on this blog.

      I suggest you spend a lot of time studying several blog series. These are located in the CONTENT page shown at the blog top menu.

      • Boob language (especially if you’re very young)

      • Virtual Virginity (especially if you think you know how to handle men)

      • Dating (especially if you’ve been unsuccessful on dates)

      • Advertising online for dates (especially if you think that’s for you)

      • Boot Camp for Girls (especially if you’re a teen or mother of daughters)

      • Chaste courtship works (especially if you’re still interested in a husband)

      • Dark Side of Feminism (especially if you’re inclined to blame men)

      • Her sexual history (especially if you believe the crap about full-disclosure)

      • Sex differences (especially if you believe it’s a man’s world out there)

      Newgirl, sweetheart, you’re young and inexperienced. You can make up for a lot of it by studying how men and women differ. It takes a heap of learning for an inexperienced girl to end up in a lifetime marriage where he rules the roost but she rules the rooster. Set your sights high. You are both worth it and can do it.

      • Newgirl

        Dear sir,

        Lastnight he said since he feels that he has had to keep asking me for sex for the past *looks at his watch* “4 days cause it’s 12:00 his exact words.”and if I didn’t do it with him he is cutting it off all together. I didn’t cave. Then he told me just know it’s going to change alot between me and him because he is going to be stressed more. He called it his stress reliever. :/ I found that offensive. Most times he doesnt even kiss me because he is upset at w.e. And gives me his cheek. but since he wants sex I’m just supposed to jump at his command. He has been becoming very disrespectful and I think it’s because I have been letting him. I know conquers rights, But I realize now that he didn’t even deserve those. I said I think that’s a problem that you can just lose intamacy all together, and it doesn’t seem to bother him that I am withdrawing myself. I can see that our future is getting darker by the second and the candle to light the way is holding on by a 1 inch wick ready to blow at a gust of wind. And then be brang up how all his past girlfriends did it. He didn’t even have to ask. In fact everytime, I even say a dilike about him he asks me what I’m getting ready to do we gone breakup?. It’s like he wants me to do it, he says” he wants me to do it so he won’t feel bad” His exact words. So if I do it he wins either way. Also he often blames me for being relationship inexperienced. So he knows that. And preys on that as a weakness. And not knowing what and how to do things. That he thinks I should just know. As a female. Already.

        There’s so much more I could tell you, but I think I should just ask you how to end this relationship in a way that I leave somewhat dignified and him wondering if he really won by me doing it or lost someone good. I am done with him. I appreciate you opening my eyes.

        Your Highness Newgirl,

        A great decision, darling. How to do it?

        Just walk away. Don’t complain, don’t explain, and don’t provide any feedback to whatever he says. Go silently into a new future for you.

        It will restore your dignity. To sustain it, promise yourself that the next guy will find you practicing virtual virginity as described in the blog series by that name.

        The next time you yield sex, the guy ‘owns’ you through conqueror’s right. It dims your future with him faster than anything else, so why start by giving away all your advantage?

        Guy

        • Newgirl

          Dear sir,

          Your response makes you so much more handsome. Thank you so much! I have become a new woman. It is going to take some time as you said. But I declare it now so it is so. 😀 As I can convince myself like no other. It is over finally, he actually did it saying we should stay friends. I told him that he would never get me again. He says he knows he could. I said ok I’ll let him think that. I’m so over him I dont care Anymore. I’m so glad it’s over actually. I am going to work on myself. I will let my actions speak louder than my words from here out. I need to grow as a young woman and the advice you provided me and this blog in general. will help brighten my future. I am so grateful. 🙂

          Your Highness Newgirl,

          Thanks for the payday; I’m rich for another week or so.

          May I suggest your blog reading include the last 15 comments from other ladies that are listed on the right hand column of the home screen. Some of the latest stuff appears there.

          Guy

  17. Mia

    Dear Sir,
    i fully agree with all that you wrote here, and I read through it a few times. I guess however female motivations can be complex. I’ve written quite a lot about a certain man from my past. I haven’t been able to shake that shadow off until now, having to see him with his girlfriend and having to pretend to be on friendly terms. At some point I felt I needed to have a reason to break the friendliness, if that makes sense. During one conversation recently I told him that it might have been love for me, but that it wasn’t so for him. He instantly stopped responding and was probably shocked (and appaled?) at my candor. I know it was drastic and you will think it was stupid, but I feel at last there is nothing more to say. I felt I had finally owned up to what was in my heart instead of pretending that everything is just fine.
    I’d appreciate your thoughts.

    Your Highness Mia,
    I admire your courage, judgment, and release from anxiety. Well done. Women need to use more shock and awe with men. It can put them back in control of cultural values, standards, and expectations, but it’s a long way off. You ‘escaped’ in fine form; well done, darling.
    Guy

  18. yellowblue

    always say i love you to my kids,i cant help it lol.my son 19 almost 20 tells me and his dad he loves us everyday,mostly at night before bed or when we or he goes out,same with our 23 year old daughter.i didnt hear it enough from my parents although they showed it all the time,but i wanted to hear it to,so i guess thats why i say it to them everyday since they were born.my husband tell me he loves me at bedtime,when he leaves to go somewere,when we get ready to hang up the phone.im not sure but i think he said it first to.

    my son ask me awhile back would i always love him no matter what,i said yes,he said what if i did something real bad would you still love me,i said there is nothing you could do that would make me not love you,he looked a little surprized,but i think it made him see that a moms love is unconditional.
    also if my son gets snappy because he had a hard day at work or whatever,he always says he is sorry,i love you and gives me a kiss.even to his sister,but no kiss lol.
    he says he loves his girlfriend everyday to her,they been together 4 years.
    i know he will make a great husband and dad and show them the love and attention they need to feel loved.i hope i rasied him good.i know i wasnt perfect and i messed up big time with my son at age 14,but i recovered with him with in months.

    i sure hope i can keep my husband devoted and stay likeable as i age as i see my physical beauty fading,and thats what drew him to me almost 25 years ago
    what do you think Sir Guy and ladies?

    Your Highness Yellowblue,

    You are blessed. Congratulations, you know how to make love work.

    As to this, “i sure hope i can keep my husband devoted and stay likeable as i age as i see my physical beauty fading,and thats what drew him to me almost 25 years ago.”

    If you remain likeable to husband, he won’t see your beauty fading. He’s too busy watching his good looks and physical ability fade and using your likeability to ignore all the fading.

    Guy

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