2224. Relationship Strategies: Courtship

The female purpose of courtship is to transition from dating to engagement; she hopes to build permanence. The male purpose is to facilitate conquest, which is a one-time major event that’s soon forgotten. (Remember: I’m talking about the male and female natures and not what you witness in life.)

Either they both can lose and breakup, or they both can win and stay together. However, there’s one exception. Conquest makes him the winner. She only wins then if he deems her a keeper and finishes his life with her.

I propose that women make courtship more meaningful and a better way to screen and prepare a man for longevity with her. Make courtship more official, a minor form of engagement, and open it by formalizing dedication one to the other. Find out in courtship if they can live with the eternal elephant in the room.

The elephant is sexual fidelity. Can they both be faithful? Obviously, it’s easier for her than him, which is why she should take the lead to qualify them both for courtship.

I propose that single women formalize what’s always been informal and often misinterpreted as to what courtship and boyfriend means. We already know this. Women try to find ways to not cheat; men try to find rationale to defend or excuse having cheated.

I propose that you formalize the title ‘boyfriend’. Don’t use it until you’ve taken him through the simple process described below.

He’s your date-friend and horniness shifts from friendly to passionate. You expect his pursuit of conquest to intensify, because you’re not inclined to yield so soon or so easily.

Wait for him to open the subject. When he perceives that conquest is not going to happen with routine dating, he will seek to escalate the relationship to more openness. At the first mention, I suggest that you take the leader role for calling it courtship and him boyfriend.

Make escalating lady’s choice and dependent upon his making a formal statement of intent to be loyal to you. Sit him down and make calling him boyfriend contingent on what comes out of a meeting of the minds.

Tell him if he’s interested in going beyond just dating, into a deeper commitment with you, it will have to be on your condition. He will have to declare with a clear statement of promise to be sexually faithful to you. Not conditional on either your being faithful or yielding sex to him. Not even mutual. Totally a question of whether he likes you well enough to swear off sex with other women and trust that you will be equally faithful.

Not a mutual agreement based on what you have to say, but his statement of promise of his behavior relative to you. You ask for his one-way dedication to you by remaining innocent of sex with another. What say he? Matter of fact, very direct, no mention of love or other emotions. Tell him you see that he has potential as a good boyfriend. That’s all you tell him; not I love you or I’ll be faithful too. Does he respect you enough to trust that you will not do him wrong?

Don’t take ‘I agree’ or similar acceptance as okay. You want to hear him clearly state, ‘Yes, I will be faithful to you for as long as we’re together.’ Or something very close to that. Stated words have a much deeper impact and meaning for motivating his future behavior. The more emotionally stated, the more deeply are his promises embedded into his heart, which makes it easier for him to remain faithful. (Unless, of course, he’s an habitual and convincing liar.)

You expect a simple expression of intention, purposely given without evasion, easily understood, and containing his promise for you. Any hesitation or evasion on his part, then continue dating. He is not qualified yet for courtship.

Other than to understand the agreement, minimize sex talk and keep it out of the discussion as much as possible. More passionate events will be turning out fruitlessly for him in the future and they add pressure to seek relief with another. So, he’s being pushed hard to give it all up for you. The question for him? Are you worth the sexually unsatisfying pressure? If not, it’s better to find it out now rather than later.

Provided he makes his statement, you make yours to the same effect. State your intention as a promise to be faithful to him. If he likes you well enough to promise earlier without hearing the same out of you, he truly likes, respects, and trusts you and is probably more after you than sex. It’s a major achievement for you to get such confirmation.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins

4 responses to “2224. Relationship Strategies: Courtship

  1. surfercajun

    If he likes you well enough to promise earlier without hearing the same out of you…

    Does this mean he takes the initiative and makes the statement himself without a prompting from her or that he sees her as future courtship worthy perhaps for marriage providing they mesh well together?

    Your Highness Surfercajun,
    No, I suggest she initiate by asking him to make such a statement. He wants a deeper relationship and she makes it conditional on his having the respect and trust for her. Does he like her enough to declare such an intention and obligation without her doing the same?

  2. Eric

    I like the concept overall: women dignifying the term ‘boyfriend’ also conveys that she respects him.

    “…sexual fidelity. Can they both be faithful? Obviously, it’s easier for her than him…”

    I’m not sure that I agree with this. Cheap and easy sex is much easier to get for women—they have little incentive for fidelity.

    Sir Eric,

    While I agree with you, we’re on separate pages.

    Women are hardwired at birth to be faithful, but lessons learned from men rather than mothers seduce them into yielding feminine strength in order to please men short range rather than hold onto one man long range. They give up their natural self-interest, ignore their primal urge to brighten their future, and ignore the pursuit of happiness for which they are born. Instead, just as men do, women focus on the present and satisfaction, and it squelches their natural self-interest. Specifically:

    • Women aren’t born with the conquering instinct that men inherit. They lack that conquering urge unless they learn it in life usually pursuing sex for pleasure.

    • They have natural resistance to infidelity. They are born with the instinct to keep their mate. Instinct pushes them toward one man. They realize intuitively that being unfaithful to him is the easiest way to lose him.

    • Given that man and woman have a mate, the woman is more concerned with keeping her man than he keeping his woman. Consequently, she leans more toward fidelity so she can use it as example for him.

    • Ease of cheating makes it opportunistic for womanly success, which induces more infidelity. Men may have fewer opportunities, but they can still cheat more if only in their minds such as with porn. Women need a reason, men only need a place.

    • Their instincts match this way: He cheats and she talks. She cheats and he walks. It confirms what we see in society today. The cheap and easy road for her is the deep and easy ruts of singlehood.

    The female traits and attributes that men are naturally prepared to admire disappear in the contrails of masculine-style sexual freedom. Without her qualities being admired while she defends her sexual assets, female qualities lose the luster of virtue. Men haven’t changed; if they want to marry—which they don’t need—they seek a virtuous woman. Consequently, no admiration means no virtue, which means no virtuous woman, which means she lacks fascination, which means she lacks enough promise to be a mate.


    • Meow Meow

      I will never forget , as an older teenager, complaining to my big-city living sister that I was still a virgin….and her annoyed comment back to me, “You don’t get it. You’re a girl. Girls can have as much sex as they want!” It blew my mind and my perception of things between the sexes changed….in my own mind i had tied sex and love together, but she did not. I had also assumed men wanted romance too, but she was always talking about how all that men wanted was sex. Quite a jarring education! All it did was make me more cautious, though….I still feel that younger girls do more easily tie love and sex together, but as we get older our experiences shape us, and its true, there are plenty of older women now who do NOT especially want marriage from what I can tell…if they’ve had a bad divorce or two, or at least they would have to be dragged behind a herd of wild horses to admit it!

      In Medieval times (I was interested in Medieval art and literature and so read a lot of it ) it was women that were considered less naturally monogamous, more emotional and thus likely to cheat, but because the consequences of sex and cheating for women were so harsh, and birth control (abortifacents) was so dangerous they simply became better at hiding infidelity, whether emotional or physical. In the Victorian era the ideal of woman as a pure, more spiritual/less sexual being was promulgated, perhaps as an effort to reform them…but in the modern world the advent of birth control despite its positive advantages has also made sex less meaningful…..like so much the truth is in the middle and the best bet I feel is just to try to get to really know the individual person you desire as best you can, given Sir Guy’s principles!

  3. SouthernBelle

    Sir Guy
    I am a little confused now. Previously in this blog it has been stated if a man asks for exclusivity too soon that his motives are more likely sex and not truly her. Now this article on courting suggests exclusivity should be given to a Mr. Good Enough who respects and accepts her decision regarding sex. Would you please help clarify the confused fog I now find myself in.

    Your Highness SouthernBelle,

    You’re not confused; I’m just not clear enough.

    In context, seeking exclusivity too soon signifies that he’s motivated but she’s not ready. Always red flag enough for her to pause and consider who and what she faces.

    OTOH, one must infer in this article that she accepts his timing and wishes to proceed.


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