Formally, he’s your fiancé. The ring pledges his devotion. You get fired up and recruit friend or mother to help with wedding plans. He becomes relatively unimportant, just a fixture in the drama. It’s not bad; men prefer it that way. They don’t do wedding planning; leave that to the women to whom it has much greater significance.
His pursuit to conquer continues as before but more intensely and more expectantly. His buddies were getting it long before giving a ring to their gals. He hopes they never find out about his incompetence. But maybe they won’t.
Hopefully he becomes convinced of your rightness in waiting. Your engagement continues with much talk about sex and living together, but you intend to avoid or restrict passionate events.
What brought him to the brink of marriage? What do you have that he’s so caught up with? First, and the most burning question, will you yield before the ceremony? Are you still intent on ‘preserving’ yourself? Hopefully, he’s patient and continues to think, what did I do to deserve her?
No doubt he hopes for conquest, but he must have accepted your determination to have gotten this deep into a relationship without it. Before proposing, he figures he knows all the answers to be highly favorable and promising about your performance as a couple.
A man’s proposal of marriage rests on six factors. He doesn’t worry much about the wedding or his marital future—that’s the female gig—but his proposal is another matter.
1) His loyalty to you, he’s free and independent and so he proves his loyalty with unique actions that mostly please him. It seems to work for you, and so it works for him.
2) Your loyalty to him, he expects it to show up as respect of, gratitude for, and dependence on him. You show it regularly, so it works for him.
3) He sees that you appreciate him as a highly likeable, enjoyable, and perhaps respectable person. You demo that each time you’re together, which means that it works for him.
4) You’re so likeable and respectable that he wants to spend time with you and enjoy your company. But he doesn’t reveal the whole story. He means share your company within limitations imposed by sense of duty to his job and ambitions for life. He thinks, you will understand when he explains it.
5) What’s the likelihood you will cheat on him? Not likely or he wouldn’t have proposed.
6) If you’re not a virgin, how far are you removed from it? Your purity isn’t the major concern; it only indicates what he really fears. How likely is he to encounter men who slept with you? Encountering ex husbands is always undesirable but surprise meeting up with other exes can disqualify you.
Any of his buds have you? Anyone he knows? Will it come out some day that he was deceived about your history? It’s what you may have done voluntarily outside of marriage rather than against your will as in rape.
It’s more a competitive issue with men than disappointment that you’re not virginal. And it’s not that others had you, it’s that he may encounter them with three bothersome concerns. a) Is the knowledge common between him and the other guy(s) or just one way? b) If only one way, he’s the innocent, and it’s worse if he learns of it at that encounter. Someone else got to you first but he didn’t know it until now. Some competitor beat him, and it’s his nature to resent it. c) Should he suspect every guy with whom you are friendly? d) Who’s the better lover in your eyes? Questions abound, satisfactions are few, and face saving is non-existent.
In any event, he has resolutely considered all six factors and has chosen to proceed against whatever may come up. You’re worth all the risks or no ring.
Now, the question everyone asks. How about doing it during engagement? Good question. What say you readers? Let’s get you involved. If you’ve gotten engaged before conquest, what effect on your resolve? Would or should you yield? Reasons for and against?