Subject: Marriage is a watershed event. It works best when generating compatibility is the mission rather than loving kindness and happiness; mutual rather than one-sided matching of interests. Women are in charge and the quality of a marriage is directly related to the quality of a woman’s relationship expertise.
It’s the best of times. Honeymoon over, they settle down to life together. Seeking a successful strategy to generate compatibility, a relationship expert works on, in, over, around, and ends up matching the following natural traits to the best of her ability. [Numbered articles provide more detail.]
- Her need for a brighter future with his drive to compete. 
- Her drive to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones with his need of a place to recover and prepare for tomorrow’s battles. 
- Her want of a helpful mate with his want of independence. 
- Her focus on the future with his focus on the present. 
- Her fear of abandonment with his fear of insignificance. 
- Her primal certainty that she’s pretty with his being handy and ability to improve his appearance. 
- Her modesty with his lack of it. 
- Her need of self-importance with his need of self-admiration. 
- Her soft-heartedness with his hard-heartedness.
- Her hard-headedness with his same mindedness.
- Her yearning to eventually find happiness with his daily achievement of finding satisfaction.
- Her persistent sense of being unpleased with herself with his seemingly constant sense of being pleased with himself.
- Her susceptibility to guilt with his apparent sense of no guilt.
- Her sense of rightness with his disregard for perfection in matters not associated with his work, job, hobby.
- Her expectation of affection and intimacy with his ‘Okay, let’s get it done’ attitude about prime interests in her life.
- Her desire to live a good life with his inability to see ‘good’ as she sees it.
- Her ability to worry with his conviction he can handle whatever comes.
- Her desire for his presence with his loyalty to his job.
- Her obligation to like him with his inability to always be likeable.
- Her inability to always be likeable with his inability to respect unlikeable associates.
- Her cautious nature about major changes with his ambitions and dreams.
- Her fear of emotional infidelity with his hunter-conqueror interest in attractive women.
- Her pleasure of romance in her life with his apparent lack of interest after conquest.
- Her desire to feel better about herself with his apparent disinterest.
- Her ability to read his mind with his inability to read hers.
Relationship experts, and not men, have the natural ability to merge, match, and resolve differences in the traits and interests listed above. By adopting the mission of building compatibility as her greatest long range interest, a wife can build a successful marriage. Men can neither do it nor participate enthusiastically when blamed for problems that interfere with wife’s progress.
It’s the worst of times. Honeymoon over, they squabble themselves into a temporary marriage. Not reaching for compatibility but well-intended loving kindness and happiness, wives torpedo their own ship with modern values and popular expectations. Husbands fight back by firing their own torpedoes. Their ship sinks after too much flooding by demeaning criticism, mutual disrespect, and endless irritants about husband’s lack of loving kindness and help in pursuing what makes wife happy. Wife defeats herself when she expects immediate gratification out of husband to represent her happiness.
Modern couples have little in common that they work toward, such as more compatibility. Instead, they fall into the rut of doing little mutually. Wives look for more personal happiness. Husbands look for more personal satisfaction. Too easily, without common goals, they find distractions more interesting than their spouses.
The following deviations from their natural inclination to build compatibility brings about the flooding. Without common and mutual effort to work together, they drift apart in both emotion and actions.
- He leaves her to go golfing; she finds some way to retaliate.
- When he resists new ideas, she takes it personal and resents him.
- Either can find reason to be jealous where only slight suspicion exists.
- She says she respects him but he reads her actions otherwise.
- He irritates her and she snaps back at him.
- She harangues him for not picking up after himself.
- She rails about the toilet seat.
- He doesn’t deserve either her perfect housekeeping or her perfect self.
- She’s grateful for his income but his absence annoys her.
- She thinks she could and should have done better than marrying him.
- His personal habits offend her, she lets him know it.
- The more she gets in his face and doesn’t win her case, the more she screeches the next time.
- She says that he could be a better lover and hints she has experience to confirm it.
- She tells her girlfriends about her husband’s shortcomings and the self-fulfilling prophecy kicks in to make him worse.
- She explains that she lacks loving kindness, he expects less complaining about it.
- She knows better than he about certain things, such as money, budgeting, saving, kid’s schools, time together, intimacy, demonstrating love.
Well, you get the picture. For lack of mutually pursued polite and courteous treatment to build a compatible marriage, both spouses become distracted, divert from both their common and the other’s interests, and eventually elevate their competition to fighting.
It’s so common in modern society that successful marriages take on an aura of accidental uniqueness. Relationship breakup is normalized and marriage isn’t far behind.
This series ends here. We looked at strategies for dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. Since the major aim of marriage should be mutual effort to build compatibility, learning how to do that should be a major effort for women in the phases previous to the altar. There are no rules for doing that except this one: Women should learn to exploit their relationship expertise from first date. It’s part of their godly design and their most unique and natural ability.