2235. Your Heart Says This About Men — Part IV


This continues the list of my impressions of what resides about men in the female heart. However, perhaps not yet identified or turned dormant by lessons learned in life. The list began at 2234 aka Part III of this series. Each relationship expert finds greater strength and success by using these beliefs in lieu of blaming a man.

16. The more I admire him indirectly, the more attention he pays to me. I detect that direct admiration strikes him as unearned/undeserved and thus not truly the compliment I intend. Unfortunately, it also goes directly against my nature to pay close and direct attention to those I love, which presents me with another hurdle to clear just to love a man.

17. A man’s sense of family responsibility differs from mine. His dedication comes from fulfilling his responsibility well. My devotion comes from my obligation to do the right thing to, by, and for others and me together.

18. If he can be a good producer/problem solver for himself, he can also be a good provider/protector for me.

19. He becomes frustrated with disturbing surprises, unjustified interruptions, and when things don’t proceed or turn out his way. I tend to blame selfishness and self-centeredness but it goes deeper into his sense of self-admiration and self-satisfaction to get things done.

20. He’s energized to satisfy himself first in whatever he does, even when he’s intent on pleasing me. He retains that boyish habit. He has a natural resistance but not incompetence to pleasing me the way I like to be pleased.

21. He recognizes that he has the potential to please me by helping produce what I want out of life. It’s up to me, however, to tame and energize him to become so devoted to me at the expense sometimes of what he wants to do.

22. His rewards are in the satisfaction that comes from doing what he wants to do and just how he wants to do it. If I play my cards right, I can hitch a ride with him.

23. Men react favorably to those who believe in them over and above how they believe in themselves.

24. Men like the challenge of earning greater self-satisfaction. They don’t lack self-belief but they sometimes lack self-confidence and ambition until encouraged by loved ones.

25. Men seek to control human events and then adjust according to the results produced. More a matter of natural dominance than pursuit of achievement.

26. He’s not totally understandable through his actions but they reveal his true self. He becomes more understandable when I quit judging him by woman-think.

27. He doesn’t change to please others, especially females, unless he pursues conquest. Even then its temporary unless reinforced into habit by his inability to get a woman to yield over an extended period of time.

28. He can’t understand my emphasis on emotional fidelity as more important than physical faithfulness.

29. Mistakes don’t stall his efforts but merely slow him down, unless he receives repeated criticism from someone he respects.

30. Men criticize themselves much as women impose guilt on themselves. The difference being that men take action to relieve self-blame and thus get over frustration quickly and move on.

4 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, sex differences

4 responses to “2235. Your Heart Says This About Men — Part IV

  1. Tee

    Regarding #20…How is a woman to help him overcome this natural resistance?

    Your Highness Tee,

    Answer: Positive reinforcement of his masculinity, manliness, and character-driven energy.

    When he please you, it’s because it pleases him. Therefore, he does it to admire himself and expect to be satisfied with his effort. By endorsing his effort, you help remove his natural resistance.

    If he give you a gaudy gift, wear it regardless of what people say. Let him learn indirectly that it’s gaudy and he silently will learn to align his thinking with your tastes. Never lay a gift aside as unimportant or unwanted; make a fuss about his unique manliness for whom the gift is but symbolic.

    That’s not all. Show clearly and preferably indirectly that you appreciate his pleasing you. If he gives you flowers regularly, sniff them regularly. Also, reward him but not always the same way. Special smile, special hug, special dinner, special treat, special date, special sex. All arranged special for him for no other reason than he’s a good man. It’s not the flowers; it’s his effort that needs reinforcement. Also, by recognizing his effort differently each time, your apparent mystery tunes him into the expectation that you would like more of what ONLY HE CAN DELIVER. It stirs his curiosity and imagination about pleasing you again.

    Also, leave his methods up to him. Don’t make too big a deal out of something in hopes he will continue it. He gets the message you’re trying too hard to impress him and, therefore, you wish to change him. Tsk,tsk.

    Guy

  2. Magnolia

    Sir Guy, can you please help me understand this? As I am dating a man who loves pleasing me, these words have been going through my mind a lot lately: “He pleases himself by pleasing her.” You often say that and also that it’s not so much for her, but he does it for himself first and foremost. I am just trying to make sense of it.

    In the article you state: “He’s energized to satisfy himself first in whatever he does, even when he’s intent on pleasing me.”

    Also, “His rewards are in the satisfaction that comes from doing what he wants to do and just how he wants to do it.”

    And finally, “Men like the challenge of earning greater self-satisfaction.”

    Those things speak to me of a man’s sense of significance. Should we conclude then, that men add to it (their sense of significance) by doing things to “earn us”, by being the sellers? Somehow it looks like they love it as it feeds their ego?

    I also think that it’s interesting that you say: “Men react favorably to those who believe in them over and above how they believe in themselves” and “They don’t lack self-belief but they sometimes lack self-confidence and ambition until encouraged by loved ones.” It appears that it all works in a big loop that women can very easily close and make it a win-win if they support their men.

    It’s a bonus too, that he develops devotion when he “pleases himself by pleasing her.” But what about after the woman has been conquered and they are married?

    Did I get this right, Sir Guy? And can you please clarify?

    Your Highness Magnolia,

    Beautifully summarized. You got it all right.

    Re “…what about after the woman has been conquered and they are married?” Conquest is delayed until his urges to please himself by pleasing her become habits that carry over into marriage. Some authorities say it takes three months to harden a new habit into permanence. Re this subject, I think it take six at least and more is better.

    Guy

  3. Magnolia

    I just can’t get over this paradox, but I am glad that God makes everything perfect. Men become less self-centered by being self-centered. It really is how nature intended it. A woman’s charm helps, of course. 😉

    The image of a man (even a male friend) insisting on paying for dinner, for example, being happy about and even proud to do it comes to mind. I realize why you emphasize so much that *he* pays for everything until engagement. Ladies, don’t let one of those modern “men” dupe you into doing otherwise. It’s in his very nature to pay and take care of you. Don’t let them convince you that they are “victims” of anything or anyone. When they pull the victim card, that’s your cue to run for the hills. As Sir Guy says: it’s not your job to make his job easier. Let the best man win!

    And thank you, Sir Guy! 🙂

    Your Highness Magnolia,

    I love your paradox, “Men become less self-centered by being self-centered.”

    It’s the natural phenomenon that makes most people better. Men live up to someone bigger or better, and the fact that they do so makes whomever they live up to that much better also. Substitute God or woman for whomever, and it comes out the same.
    The dominant sex is designed and made to serve the superior sex under certain circumstances that women control.

    You can see why women don’t talk about such things, and why men don’t listen to men about women. Sooner or later men would have to admit that it’s all true, but their egos are programmed directly against it or else male dominance means nothing.

    Guy

  4. Magnolia

    Lol! Yes, Sir Guy. And I have read that nature made men to be the slaves of women in that they really, really want (and need) to make us happy! They want to be our heroes! Over and over I’ve read by dating coaches that that is one of the reasons why men leave– if we criticize them, then they don’t have any incentive to stay. They think: “I have officially failed at making my lady happy.” And making us happy is crucial to them.

    Thank you for helping me understand that the male ego and self-centeredness, which are often resented by women, in fact works in our favor. Everything is balanced in nature. This is great news!

    Have a fabulous weekend, everyone!

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