Surfercajun at 2239 inquired about feminine. Here’s my response.

We’re talking about men, so surprise, surprise. Feminine is not who or what she is, it’s who and what men perceive her to be. Which means she is whoever and whatever his curiosity, imagination, and conscious thought make her out to be. It makes sense but why do I mention it talking to women?

To make this point: Whoever and whatever you think you are, however beautiful, great, and praise-worthy you may be to yourself and those who know you, you’re still just a sexually available female to all men until you prove otherwise to each and every man who wants to bed you. Insensitive and tactless, perhaps I am, so forgive me. I’m on track to make a connected point.

Feminine is the totality of the female creature that serves to hold a man permanently. Not beauty, not sexual attractiveness, not career greatness, not laudable behavior. Feminine is most important because it includes the others in the male mind. Too simplified, perhaps, but I continue on track to the next point.

Feminine is complex to females but simple to males who visualize it in mind and heart; of course every man is different. Consequently, there are no perfect attributes that make a woman feminine. There are only attributes aimed at turning on masculine curiosity, imagination, and conscious thought that most likely generate the maximum interest in you out of every man. The more men attracted to you, then the merrier for you. It provides you with the greatest number of opportunities to find AND KEEP the man of your dreams. The more feminine you appear to each man, the more likely the man of your dreams will crave to spend his life with you. Men compete; the more one man wants you the more the next one does too. It’s up to women to make that last sentence mean HER more than sex.

Three main characteristics appeal to men. Feminine mystique, female modesty, and monogamous spirit. When her other features, traits, and behaviors emphasize those three, she shows up as very feminine to the greatest number of men. Examples follow of what each characteristic consists of in the eyes of men.

Feminine mystique. She’s so short of being totally understandable it’s not worth his effort to try; she’s acceptable as is. (Exaggerated, yes, but men don’t have to understand their woman nearly as much as women have to understand their man).

She’s an enigma, not the least bit of a male thinker. Unpredictable about even the smallest things. Composed when she should be upset. Upset when composure is called for. Independent on matters about which she should be dependent and vice versa. Curious when uncalled for because whatever was the matter is now resolved. Dumb about the simplest and surprisingly knowledgeable about the complicated. Surprisingly adroit when she needs to be, but not afraid to admit being uninformed.

Expresses her pride through mothering and nurturing and not through trying to outdo him. Doesn’t show off even when she deserves to do so. Can love even those whom she doesn’t respect. Can admire a man’s strength and learn to support or rely on it even after it fails him. Can forgive easily (he forgets to ask or notice if she can forget).

Can out-compete the toughest people but chooses to outwit and outsmart rather than out-fight. No one’s too big for her. She’s feisty but it’s a rare occasion when she shows it, because she’s so well respected even by fairly important people.

She isn’t hesitant; in fact she’s pleased to inspire him with a new hint of mystery. It prompts him to think. Why is a woman so willing to do what this wise woman recommends as part of being feminine. Superslaviswife suggests that women exhibit “An openness to new experiences and places that tells him she can accommodate him in her life. And an eagerness to share those experiences with him and be a part of his life.”

Female modesty. Under the guise of modesty, she controls her life according to her best interest. She looks and acts modestly, which means attractively with minimal attention to sexual features and the absence of sexually suggestive behavior. Fashionable and classy attractiveness signify that she’s unique, which is a logical step toward fascination.

Modesty is her most significant weapon of defense against masculine intrusions in her life. Such as, time to ponder elsewhere (powder room), break away from excess passion, turn a blind eye to offensive behavior, flee or slap someone when her sensibilities are threatened, and justify not explaining herself or complaining about others.

Modesty enables her to evade having to defend or protect her values, standards, and expectations. Thus, she can leave men thinking they have won whatever mental battle just transpired; she defers to him when he wouldn’t defer to her, which effectively steals his victory and adds further mystery to her. She’d rather retreat now and gain advantage for next time.

Monogamous spirit. His woman’s physical infidelity is the greatest assault on a man’s dignity, self-respect, respect of other men, and sense of significance. Every evaluation of a marriage candidate’s character, features, and behaviors is done with this thought top of mind: Will she be faithful to me? Until he proves YES to himself, he is unlikely to propose.

Consequently, a boyfriend’s interests and interrogations spotlight everything connected with her future faithfulness. Her appearance, emotion, behavior, and sexual history hold clues for his detection. When he’s not working on the subject directly, his subconscious mind is alert to things that might even hint at future unfaithfulness. Notice this, he’s not looking for signs of fidelity but infidelity. He accepts faithful based on lack of evidence to suggest unfaithful.

The feminine woman’s attitude includes support and clear thinking about monogamy, marriage, trust, respect, commitment, and devotion. It can easily shape his thinking to her advantage. Her support and promise of love means little for his assessing her for being faithful to him. It’s too easy for her to fall in love with someone else or have one still lingering in her heart. Men are not all that trusting of love and its promises.

Feminine. The truly feminine woman—if men were so inclined but they’re not—would regularly receive from every man she encounters compliments about subjects other than sex. Because men are so disinclined to compliment a woman unless they want something, women have to compliment themselves about their femininity (mirror time, anyone?), belief in themselves, and confidence they are doing right for themselves. With that foundation, women can much more easily attract good men and then weed out those who act in ways contrary to their self-interest. The Marrying Man likes to lurk until he spots the likeliest of candidates for his taste. I submit to you that femininity is his greatest magnet.


Filed under boobs, courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins, sex differences

25 responses to “2243. FEMININE

  1. Something I’ve noticed about men and women is that men bond to people by doing things together and women bond to people by learning things about them. To further abuse a cliché, a man might place no weight on remembering a birthday because to him that isn’t important, whilst a woman strives to remember specific dates, forgets only unimportant birthdays and feels hurt when her man forgets dates that are important to her. A woman also often places no weight on activities. On time together? Yes, all women, all humans, enjoy spending time with other humans we like. But the activity isn’t that important to her. Whereas men often want to do specific and various things to vet and assess a woman. If she doesn’t want to join in when he goes out or if they’re watching his favourite film and she seems disconnected, he is unhappy (worried, angry or sad, all depend on the man). To her, the time together is good enough. To him, she isn’t trying to be a part of his life.

    So I’d argue that a slightly subtle element of femininity, in the sense of what attracts men to women, is also openness and eagerness. An openness to new experiences and places that tells him she can accommodate him in her life. And an eagerness to share those experiences with him and be a part of his life. When a woman is already into his hobbies or when she goes out of her way to do something he enjoys together, men seem to soften, can become excitable and open their hearts a little more. What exactly you need to do varies from man to man. But being open to his hobbies and excited to learn about them and share them with him seems to also be an element of femininity.

    Your Highness Superslaviswife,

    Your second paragraph cites a truism that I think deserves greater visibility, so I quoted the principle at the end of the Feminine Mystique section in the article above.

    Thank you. Clear-headed thought and valuable contribution.


    • My Husband's Wife

      Wow, that’s a really good observation Superslaviswife—on being open and eager to spend time/experiences together. I’ve seen it over and over that when a wife doesn’t want to go along with husband to an event, errand, vacation, etc. that he requests her to go, you can see a sense of sadness /disappointment on their faces. They will shrug it off usually and not make a deal of it, but you can tell it bothers them. I believe that if this happens consistently over time, it can really erode a relationship. In essence, she’s telling him that he’s not important and that she has better things to do elsewhere.

      • Pretty much. It’s like when he forgets important dates or doesn’t notice a new dress and she gets anxious or angry. Same mechanism. Some people will care more or less, but it seems men and women have different needs in terms of acknowledgement and socialization.

    • Meow Meow

      My father had very active outdoor interests and encouraged me to join in. It helped create a bond between us (Even through periods of disagreement etc) that i notice doesn’t seem to be there between he and my sisters, who didn’t enjoy those sort of things but were more interested in shopping, theatre, clothing etc. Although he invited them along to our “Adventures” they never really cared to go along….he loves them very much but they just don’t seem to be as strongly connected. I can spend a great deal of time w/ my Dad without saying a word as long as we are sharing an activity and it feels just as close as all the time I spend yakking with my Mom…. When thinking about the masculine enjoyment of (specific) shared activity and applying it to the dating scene I notice that most guys want an active girlfriend they can “do things with”—and they don’t just mean in the bedroom! Most happy couples I know seem to enjoy hiking, walking the dog, camping, cooking, movies etc. together as opposed to the ones with radically different interests.

      • Miss Eliza

        Hmm I know lots of couples who have happy marriages but they aren’t into the same things. Natalie, the writer of BaggageReclaim.com, and her husband don’t like all that many of the same things but he’s finally the one for her after lots of disastrous relationships with men of poor character. She says it’s far more important to have common (core and personal) values than common interests and it’s unfortunate that dating sites emphasise common interests so much as it can mislead people.

        Your Highness Miss Eliza,

        I agree with you. The subject has been covered here much as you describe it and more than once. However, MeowMeow is talking about something quite different. Let me see if I can clarify the differences without offending either of two ladies who are both right.

        MeowMeow describes how a female joining a man and doing his kind of things over time tends to bond them better than her less involvement on his self-taskings.

        You describe how two people tend to be more compatible by having uncommon interests but shared values rather than too much common interest, which doesn’t equate to common values. Right on. Variety is essential or boredom sets in later.


        • Meow Meow

          Yes, I agree that shared values are ultimately more important than common interests, but unfortunately I have seen people who profess to have the same values end up leading very lonely lives despite living under the same roof, (liberal and conservative alike)……although I wouldn’t even want to include my husband in everything I do, and i don’t expect to have all the same interests as him, the joint experiences that we do share make for many happy memories, which helps create a bond in its own way. For example he may enjoy going to shooting matches much more than me, (and he knows it,) but he loves it when I join him anyway and cheer on him/his buddies.

      • My Husband's Wife

        Meow Meow, your experience pretty much reflects mine growing up.
        I would love to hear Sir Guy’s take on this one 🙂

        On the same subject: I’ve heard from single men on several occasions that they want a woman who will participate in their outdoor activities with them such as rock climbing, hiking, skiing, etc. One man recently lamented that he made this request in his online dating profile and all he got was very “manly” tough-looking women. However, one of the benefits of marriage is for companionship—but that might play out differently for each couple?

        I also think that Miss Eliza makes a good point, too, about how having similar core values are key as well. I wonder if this whole thing boils down the relationship experts (us women) being able to merge two different lives together in a harmonious way so that it’s pleasing to both?

        • Meow Meow

          Funny about the man wailing about the responses from the “manly” looking women! (Well after all those particular activities do require a certain level of athleticism….although I do know a couple of ladies who can scale a cliff face then put on a flowy dress and go social dancing and they are very popular!)

      • Thanks for that contribution. Although I apply it generally to romantic relationships, it does hold true with family and friends as well. I’m glad for you, because that experience with your father is setting you up for better relationships with every man in your life.

        • Meow Meow

          Thanks Superslaviswife,

          yes although this blog mainly applies to dating/romantic relationships, I think since it helps understand what’s important to men in general, it can also help us to understand all the men in our life better….Grandfathers, fathers, brothers, friends etc…..decisions they made, why they do what they do, what they hope for us/think about us, what motivates them, why they married this person or that person etc. My father is particularly stoic and it has taken a long time to appreciate that his quiet ways didn’t mean he didn’t care or hear me. I now appreciate this trait much more in men and actually find it pretty rare these days!

    • surfercajun

      @ superslaviswife

      Your comment about doing things together reminds me of my Siren book. I fall gently and solidly into this archetype… Companion Siren. She thinks it more fun to join him in whatever it is he is doing. She does not ask why he likes to kill lions… She sharpens the javelins, makes a few insightful remarks about the reigning Emperor, and subscribes to Impairment Monthly. :o)

      A smart Siren will always want to learn and listen to something new her guy is doing. To her, he is the most interesting human being she has ever known. A small smile, her soft face gently resting on her delicate arm whilst gazing up at him lets him know he is always admirable.

      awww… I am all gooey inside now

      • Awww! I love the helpmeet theory for relationships. It takes away specific roles (doing the dishes, gardening, etc) and leaves you with that bit of helpfulness and usefulness that makes everything run smoothly. 🙂

  2. eighteen

    Reblogged this on myfemininecore and commented:

  3. Kay

    Excellent as usual

  4. kapri20

    Inspiring dear Sir Guy!

    This tells me even more that I need to be aware of taking care of myself and listening to my own intuitions and instincts when with men rather than second guessing myself around them.

    Loads to reflect upon,


  5. My Husband's Wife

    Thank you Surfercajun for inspiring this article! I always enjoy reading your comments as well 🙂

    …and Sir Guy, the description is so clear here that I can easily envision what feminine ends up looking like in real life. This helps a lot. I believe that even women appreciate other truly feminine women. I know I do! These traits benefit all.

    This sentence made me think, “Fashionable and classy attractiveness signify that she’s unique, which is a logical step toward fascination.” The word “fashionable” is important I believe. I notice that my husband (who isn’t up on the latest fashion trends as he has no interest) does notice when a woman looks too “homely” or stuck in another decade’s fashions. I also know that the word “classy” is also key to the type of fashionable. Back in college, I dressed a bit edgy. And guess what I attracted? Skater dudes or punk rocker types. Not what I had in mind. After changing my attire/hair to a more “classic” look, I finally got the date with the more conservative men—those of who I wanted to attract. Not that a skater dude can’t be a good guy, it was just that those were more the guys who were out partying, rebellious, and were more adolescent minded in general.

    …and Happy 4th of July (a day late)! I’m grateful for all of those who have made our country great—and continue to do so. That means you, Sir Guy!

    • surfercajun

      wow…….. I just read Sir Guy’s post and I am knocked for a loop….whoa is about all I can say! This had the power to cheer me up. :o)

      Thank you My husband’s wife for the lovely compliment towards me. Sometimes, I wonder if I post too much at times. (most of the time it is my *sassy* nature that is dying to come out) I think Guy’s blog does it to me…giggle

      Some other guy is on to something about complaining. His comment reminded me of when we went on a visit to my brother in law and his newly minted second wife. While there, she was picking a verbal fight with my spouse! I remember her husband’s look. It was a pleading look of, “Please, stop.” But she did not. She just kept on until she *won* because she wanted to be *right*. In allot of ways she lost the argument, she made an enemy. By then, the room was filled with tension. I remember it as it was the weekend of Feb 14, 2013…why I remember that, I am not sure.

      Excessive daily complaining/arguing makes the whole room feel bad. It seems to poison the rest of the day.

      Nice choice of a new post Some other guy. :o)

  6. Some Other Guy

    I think complaining needs a special mention in regards to femininity. Complaining about anything even if it is not regarding your man is poisonous to the energy of the relationship. Sure we all have those off days every so often. But every single day? Come on already

    I cannot overstate how unattractive some wives make themselves when every interaction is filled with “I don’t like this and I don’t like that and this thing is broken and why don’t you do this and how come you always do that and why is my mother being such a terror” and on and on.

    My good buddy. Poor man. Every time I’m over to his house his wife is going on and on like this. It is humiliating for him. He has to sit there and roll his eyes the whole time. As if silently asking me “can you believe this?”. I don’t even think she is aware of how truly awful it makes her look. Surely it cannot be that hard to think of something positive to comment about.

    Sir Some Other Guy,
    Thanks. You did super-well again. See tomorrow’s post.

    • My Husband's Wife

      Good point, Some Other Guy! My husband would confirm 100% with you that he has very little tolerance for complaining and that it makes a woman not as attractive. He can deal with a lot at work, but the “complaining” woman tires him out in a way that is way different from typical job stress. I also grew up with my father not tolerating any complaining or whining from us girls—he had three of us to listen to (LOL). But I believe that putting a stop to our complaining was for our own good as a complaining girl is NOT a joyful/thankful one. Complaining and joy cannot coexist with each other.

  7. Well done. I like what you said about feminine mystique, modesty, and mirror time.

    Volumes could be written about feminine mystique (and probably have been,) but two things that come to mind would be not sharing every single feeling one is having (like we might do with girlfriends) and not complaining, nagging, directing. It can feel counter intuitive, because when we really like somebody we want to share everything with them, but mystique requires a bit of mystery. LOL, also men’s brains can become overwhelmed with too many random bits of info and assorted emotion.

    I like what Superslaviswife said too, to be open and eager for new experiences. The activity does seem to be far more important to men then to women. I’m laughing here, but I’ve spent some time staring at truck engines and done my very best to be eager and impressed. Naturally I was far more enchanted with the company, than the spark plugs.

  8. gonemaverick

    crisp and clear Sir Guy. many thanks for this and article 2244.

  9. surfercajun

    The movie The Last Unicorn prompted some thoughts on my walk. According to the story, the Red Bull drove the unions away but one. To me the thought was how this last unicorn was the last part of femininity that had not been driven away by the Red Bull. The Red Bull was feminism chasing femininity away and covering its tracks. What role models do we have to look at now days. We have to go back in time to see it portrayed in movies, poetry, written music, and old recipe books. Most people call it a stereotype now days but I believe them to be wrong as well as brainwashed.

    It reminded me of the drink also and like the logo …it gives you wings… seems to be more of an imaged illusion of something that is never received. My sixteen old was on a walk with me and he told me he thought it sounded more like demonic wings I responded more like imaginary demonic wings. As in feminism made one *drunk* on imaginary power. He asked about the Bull. I told him he was red of course… he responded,” Like blood?” Yes I stated. ”Red, hot” and then the word flaming turned over in my mind. Yes, it made both sexes *flaming* for wanting to be the other sex. The blood spilling of the family in order for feminism to have taken such an ugly root in order for the stink weed to grow. Perhaps I am over thinking here….. but the spark seems to have given rise to such thoughts and had to put them down…

    In the middle of the movie a king’s son falls in love with the femininity of the unicorn that has been changed into a young woman. I wonder if men become disappointed when they find out that she was no different than other women they had met or had conquered in the past. ? Perhaps the guy’s on here turn to answer? :o) Should we know what guy’s don’t like in a woman or highlight some issues they see that we should never seek or we should change? I think Some Other Guy talked about a woman’s constant complaining?

    Towards the end of the movie she is changed back into a unicorn and drives the Red Bull into the sea to set the other unicorns free. She has paid a price for doing so in making the trip to find her own kind. Has anyone else seen this movie? I was watching it folding clothes tonight.

  10. Meow Meow

    Surfercajun first of all kudos for you for being a proud homeschool mother. I was homeschooled and i feel i turned out pretty well myself and am grateful my family valued the efforts of my mom to educate me and my siblings. Its easier/more accepted today than when my family did it—at the time/place it was illegal!

    I have seen and love that movie. I also read the book. It seems to be showing us different stages/ways of being feminine….

    1) the Unicorn/Lady Amalthea is the beautiful very feminine stage of young womanhood. She looks for more Unicorns and wonders why they have disappeared from the world. Men want to possess her, but no one can hold her for very long. She is mature, thoughtful, wise beyond her years because she is the most in tune with her own femininity. Note that she is not afraid to speak the truth about the people she’s with. She is vulnerable, too, but she values herself and is true to her feelings above all else—-(which men find annoying, for sure.) She feels alone (It’s hard to value your femininity in a world where people want to possess it, put it in a cage, or it has simply vanished.)

    2.) Molly Grue is a beaten-down woman in middle age. She is part of a bandit group initially but leaves them to follow the Unicorn (Follow her inner femininity which she has devalued/forgotten?) She is tough, weary, worldly. Molly may also be an ex hooker or at least the token female who is passed around from bandit to bandit.They view her as strong and motherly and a cook and it is assumed good for a night with, but certainly no one special. She gave up thinking of herself as feminine long ago (When she sees the unicorn she asks in a terribly sad way, “why do you come to me now, when I am THIS?”) Maybe she is like a woman who spent the last decades not understanding the value of her femininity. She at last recognizes its value and wants to support the unicorn even if its too late for her personally. In a way she is heroic.

    3.) The Witch Mommy Fortuna who keeps a vulturelike Harpy locked up in a cage. For a while she traps the Unicorn but the Unicorn convinces a friendly wizard to set her free. The Unicorn frees the Harpy as well, and the Harpy kills the witch. I can only think of the two of them as one and the same–as evil/predatory female beings doing amoral things to survive. The Witch is a con artist taking people’s money to see her carnival of mistreated animals. She toys with magic/forces she doesn’t understand to make the animals appear like monsters.The harpy, being only an animal, is less evil but certainly more predatory, vengeful and dangerous—the instinct to survive that is very impersonal and fierce.

    Well thats almost a novel itself. I would call the Red Bull not feminism itself but the brutish, powerful masculine ideal “Ultimate Alpha Male” that feminism mistook for true masculinity and idealized, but with none of the nobility. The Red Bull keeps all the Feminine (Unicorns) locked up in the ocean, a powerful feminine force, and won’t let them out.

    I loved your interpretation, just wanted to expand on it! This movie is very unique and metaphorical in a lot of ways. If anyone else wants to read the book or see the movie, I would love to hear more takes on it.

    I’d like to know what men think women should never change!…..what they are fascinated/impressed by about us. Just as a man who is stoic may get on my nerves at times….but ultimately he needs to be that way, I depend on it and I would not want him to change for me.

  11. surfercajun

    Wow Meow Meow,

    Thank you! I was looking for another post and stumbled briefly on this one. I appreciate your input as well on this movie. I carefully read through your idea about the “Ultimate Alpha Male” that feminism mistook….but (had) none of the nobility. Yeah, I could see that! Enjoyed reading your idea on this movie as well. I adored it when younger, appreciate even more now! If only more movies were made that way now…sigh…

    Appreciate your response and your time in answering me. Sometimes I get embarrassed by what I write and don’t come back….Sorry I was late!! 🙂

    Saving this post in my folder!

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