2254. Masculine Love in Six Stages


It’s another paradox of human nature. Primarily men are producers and women are processors. Yet, women can produce a loving relationship almost instantaneously while masculine love develops through a six-stage process.

Women tend to measure a man’s love by the way she loves; that is, displays of care, affection, and frequent confirmation of their importance one to the other with the firm conviction that words are adequate to convey feeling. Men don’t do it that way. Masculine feelings develop from and tend to follow their actions instead of either his or her words.

A man’s love of a woman is a methodical process that develops in six stages. First, he finds her likeable enough to be loyal to her. Second, he sees that she finds him likeable enough to be loyal to him. Third, he uses words to commit himself to court her exclusively (although she probably initiates it). Fourth, he frequently and repeatedly pleases himself by pleasing her with actions that reflect her importance to him. (She shouldn’t expect it to match her expectations for affectionate words and intimacy.) Fifth, after months of such actions that program his subconscious, devotion develops in his heart. Her worth to him rises and the possibility of having to do without her stirs his imagination. Sixth, imagined anxiety of losing her stirs him to doubling his effort to please her for that purpose rather than to please himself. Thus, he cherishes her.

All women want to be cherished, but some make mistakes that harm their relationship. Here are a few female reactions that sours cherishment:

  • Being cherished is woman’s idea both in concept and whether she is cherished or not. Men treat their woman as it makes them feel good about themselves. If they enjoy pleasing her, then it could be devotion or cherishment but what to call it or what it means is of little concern to them. Bringing up such subjects turns men off. It’s too close to relationship management.
  • He’s a pushover for what she wants or expects out of him. His cherishing her reminds her of puppy love. Too much fawning over and submissive to her, and so she loses respect.
  • She feels deprived that signs of his love are not expressed as affection and intimacy. So, she seeks to have him change his habits. A man may change to suit the woman he cherishes, but it reminds that the most important person in his life doesn’t like him, which is one of the four legs that holds a man’s love together.
  • She expects to hear more than she sees if she is so cherished. So, frustrations set in and she tries to fix it by pressuring him to be more intimate with words. It points in another way that he’s inadequate; few women can do that and keep their relationship.
  • Being cherished is the best she can get out of a man. Does she deserve it? From him? Or, should she have chosen less of a man because that’s all she deserves? Guilt anyone?
  • She doesn’t think she’s good enough to be cherished by him. Consequently, what should be a swollen self-image shrinks, her self-worth slides down, and she easily becomes depressed. It sends subliminal but undeserved messages to him that he’s less than adequate as her mate, which reminds that if not her, he knows he’s a good mate for someone else.
  • She deserves magnificent gifts as proof that he cherishes her. She grows to resent gifts or signs of less value than she deserves, which makes those less than magnificent reduce his value to her, which rebukes his cherishing her, which demeans his efforts to please her, which makes her less likeable, which means her loyalty isn’t trustworthy, which kills his love.

If she expects to be cherished with words, she’s in for disappointment; men primarily cherish through actions. Loyalty earns commitment, which is foundation for devotion to develop, which morphs into cherishment if she provides the time and allows him to please himself by pleasing her. The greatest price she has to pay is to remain as likeable and loyal to him as he expects.

11 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she loses, sex differences

11 responses to “2254. Masculine Love in Six Stages

  1. Beloved

    Hello Sir Guy, my question is a little off topic but I came across a girl online who stated a guy she liked previously (and who felt the same about her) was in a relationship presently and so blocked her from seeing his status as in a relationship, etc. I feel like a similar situation happened to me. I found him on facebook previously through someone else’s account and he was easy to find. Then it was like as soon as i had an account, he made it so that he couldn’t be found. He didn’t block me specifically, but I couldn’t just “search” him. I don’t believe this was just coincidence. Assuming this is all just as I suspect it to be, why do you think he might want to conceal his relationship from me? We liked each other in college but I was too shy.

    Your Highness Beloved,

    I can only describe what’s likely because you’re female and he’s male.
    If you had sex together in college, he lacks respect and enough interest to renew a former acquaintance. Essentially you were conquered and are now history.

    If you never had sex together, it’s likely your defense was so good that he figures you’re sexually unavailable to this day. Why waste time trying to find out? Too much easily available already.

    Other than that, I can only think of this. Perhaps you’re like the other girl. He’s in a relationship and is unwilling to look outside.

    Guy

    • Beloved

      Thank you for the response. Definitely did NOT have sex. He made me so nervous all I could do was stare and each time he tried to talk to me I sent signals not to. I basically stared at him for 2 years around campus but “ran away” from him in all my other actions. So if he’s aware I’m unavailable, why make himself unfindable? Why would he care?

      Your Highness Beloved,
      He doesn’t want to be found nor does he want to explain himself. Other than that I can’t explain him. However, think for yourself. How attractive were you to him in college and much was he turned on with interest in you then?
      Guy

      • Beloved

        I believe he was very interested in me then. I looked at him one time when he was walking in to the room (which I thought nothing of) and he saw me and the very next day he moved from across the room and sat right next to me. He never moved from that spot all semester. There seemed to be all sorts of questions about my personal life from his friends that were girls. They would be in another class of mine and nonchalantly ask me things (if I was married, who I lived with and where, etc.) but the questions seemed to be from out of nowhere. It also seemed that he talked about me to lots of people because everyone knew about this “staring” thing we both had going. He even told our professor! My gut tells me he felt so admired by my staring at him, but, ultimately felt rejected when there was no allowing him to get closer. He probably was confused as well (understandably!) but I just couldn’t get over my fear of him.

        • Miss Eliza

          Having just read your last message Beloved – oh my Goodness; nearly to a word this is what happened in my situation – it’s uncanny! I was also very nervous around this guy and he was around me – he tried to approach me once but said something very silly (a pre-prepared chat up line) instead of just casually chatting.

          At that point I realised that nothing would happen with him because he’s too insecure and immature so I basically tried to distance myself for my own sake. Instead of accepting that, he then started pursuing all the more, giving puppy dog looks of adoration at me and more or less stalking me around the building for months but not speaking (weird, right?). He was also discussing me with colleagues because they’d stare at me whilst they were with him. I didn’t really like that – why didn’t they just tell him to introduce himself etc? Months later, after I left the workplace, I discovered that half the time he was doing all this stuff he had got involved with someone else! What a nice guy – chasing the girl he liked before behind her back!? He never changed his strong interest in me at all so it wasn’t possible for me to guess that he’d suddenly got a girlfriend. I felt very deceived and I’m just glad that I found him out before things went any further.

    • Miss Eliza

      Sorry to butt in but beloved, it’s possible he’s trying to keep you as an option for the future especially if he hasn’t slept with you. Certain kinds of guys will do that. Maybe he doesn’t know what’s going to happen in his current relationship. I’ve had more or less exactly the same thing happen to me as you described – the keeping the girlfriend a secret but only from me etc. The guy initially liked me, then when he thought I wasn’t interested got together with this girl yet kept chasing me behind her back for five months, taking my number from a colleague as well. Some guys are just very deceptive/secretive and want to keep all options open if they’re not ready to settle down yet.

      • Beloved

        Miss Eliza, please feel free to “butt in” anytime! I love hearing from others about their experiences in this often confusing realm of men and why they do what they do. And I think you’re right about keeping options open until their ready to settle down. It seems they sometimes need a lot of time to figure things out and come to their own conclusions, as Guy says.

        • Southernbelle

          This seems to be a more common than rare “pattern” with men nowadays but to me it seems this type of man is the same man that will continue this “pattern” with ladies even after he’s married. Especially if she was hard to get/never conquered; it still lingers in him. Again, men don’t change and if this is how they conduct themselves during courtship (the testing grounds for marriage) then we should not expect them to behave differently simply because there was a ceremony. His devotion and character should be evident long before the vows. I feel women think that ring and ceremony will magically cause his devotion (not just fickle commitment) to appear. Sir Guy would you agree?

          Your Highness Southernbelle,
          Absolutely.
          Guy

  2. E.L.

    “She doesn’t think she’s good enough to be cherished by him …” Sir Guy and Ladies, would you give some advice on how to get rid of this attitude? Anytime I am pursued intensely by a man (even the one I hard-headedly know is unworthy of me) I seem to feel like that.

    But another thing is that I feel guilty even to refuse dating. (“Oh, the man seems to like me so much, it would be so rude not to give him a chance!..”) I remember Sir Guy saying we are not responsible for other people’s reactions (e.g. liking us pretty ladies). But anyway, is there a graceful and reliable way to refuse dating with an unworthy or unlikable man and to “save one’s face” (and conscience) at the same time?

    Your Highness E.L.

    You ask, “would you give some advice on how to get rid of this attitude?” Sure!

    Being cherished isn’t a function of you being good enough; you’re already there by virtue of being pretty. That’s the baseline for men. All you can do about it is to defeat development of someone’s cherishing thoughts. Cherishing you is a function of how some guy interprets all the signs in his life as shouting in his heart that you’re the worthiest and most significant woman to him.

    Consequently, being cherished doesn’t start on day one. It takes time, but that enables you to find ways not to defeat the buildup of cherishing thoughts in any man’s heart.

    Study your life and relationships. Keep focused on finding ways that you’re grateful for yourself and your life, friends, family, and other associates. Reinforce these thoughts and make them habitual:

    • Don’t try to make yourself important to others. It puts your heart in the mode of trying to please them. That’s not your job. Everyone is responsible—and in fact they do—decide just what pleases them.

    • (Here’s an enigma that females know instinctively but intuition often steers them the wrong way. Importance is the product of gratitude and so gratitude has to come first. Trying to show someone they are important in your life does not produce their gratefulness.)

    • People please themselves by associating with people who are grateful for them. IOW, your gratitude makes them feel important. Pleased with their sense of importance makes them grateful for associating with you, which adds to your sense of self-importance and self-worth.

    • Associating with you makes them more grateful for you, which makes them more important in your life. The mutual importance makes you much more worthy of who and what you are personally. Some of them might cherish you, why shouldn’t some new guy learn to do the same?

    Invited on a date, make your mission to find gratitude in and for him. It makes you important to yourself first and him second. Over time it can rise to being cherished. Being a pretty woman, you’re always worthy of being cherished by some guy. You have to open all the doors regardless of how inadequate you may feel at the start.

    Furthermore, when pursued intensely, cool him off to fit your agenda. So, what’s your agenda? I suggest virtual virginity described in articles 25, 44, and many others in the VV series. No other strategy works as well to ‘force’ a man to reveal exactly who he is in character and intention. By invoking the process of defending your sexual assets, you add value to yourself. VV is tough to do, but the benefits far outweigh following the instinct of dates and boyfriends.

    I’m not familiar with your culture, but I think this is universal. Two conquerors face off. He seeks sex without or before marriage. She seeks marriage before they have sex together. Just pleasantly keeping that battle unresolved adds to your strength of character, respectability, and self-worth regardless of what men may say. They won’t admit that your moral resistance earns their respect and a man’s love is founded on respect and without respect there will be no cherishment.

    Now, second question about finding a graceful and reliable way to refuse a date invitation. To concern yourself with that puts your thinking into the mode of pleasing someone else. Please yourself first and all else will follow as you wish and determine.

    So, how to please yourself? Pretty time aka mirror time. Study and teach yourself to adopt and follow the process I describe in the 5-part series at posts 2123 through 2127. Get to know yourself better by exchanging thoughts, hopes, and dreams with your best friend, your mirror image.

    Try all the above, I think you may find a more satisfying life.

    Guy

  3. E.L.

    EDITOR’S NOTE: MY RESPONSE IS IN CAPS following your questions in lower case. GUY

    Sir Guy, I am not able to express all my gratitude with words. Your wisdom is astonishing and your answer is enlightening. However, would you be so kind as to clear up some more issues?

    1. What are the best examples of cherishment?

    WHENEVER YOUR HEART TELLS YOU THAT HE CHERISHES YOU. DON’T TRY TO TASK HIM TO CHERISH YOU. FIRST, HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. SECOND, HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW. THIRD, HE’D FIND CONFUSION IN HIMSELF AND BLAME AND TURN AGAINST YOU.

    2. How to deal with the weaker types (“pushovers” as you have put it)? It is extremely difficult to help [after losing] respect for them.

    SMILINGLY SAY, “YOU’RE A NICE GUY BUT IT’S JUST NOT GOING TO WORK FOR ME. MEN ARE NEVER MORE HANDSOME THAN WHEN THEY TRY HARD TO PLEASE A LADY. THANK YOU. HAVE A GOOD DAY.”

    3. “You have to open all the doors regardless of how inadequate you may feel at the start.” – do you mean by this that any man must have a chance to prove his devotion?

    CERTAINLY. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT GOLD MINE YOU’LL FIND IN SOMEONE WHO LEAPS THROUGH ALL YOUR HOOPS TO QUALIFY HIMSELF AS MR. GOODENOUGH, BECOME DEVOTED TO YOU, AND IS WILLING TO GIVE YOU TWENTY YEARS OF HIS LIFE FOR YOU TO COMPLETE THE PROCESS OF MORPHING HIM INTO MR. RIGHT.

    4. Which date invitations should be accepted and which declined? I realize the question is naïve and the answers are rather obvious if I know the person (e.g. a “yes” to a decent man and a “no” to a boss, boozer or drug-addict). But what about invitations I get on the street or at a supermarket? Men just come to get acquainted, chat for some 10-20 minutes and then invite me to have a coffee (right away or some time later). Should it be a “yes” to all who are not repulsive?

    ACCEPT NONE ON INVITATION. SAY THAT YOU’LL MEET THEM AT YOUR FAVORITE COFFEE PLACE TWO OR THREE DAYS LATER AND NEGOTIATE A TIME. SEE WHAT HAPPENS. YOUR PRIMARY JOB IS TO SCREEN FOR THOSE WHO WANT YOU FOR YOU AND SCREEN OUT THOSE WHO WANT YOU FOR THEM. YOU START THERE AND LET THEM CONVINCE YOU INTO FAVORING THEM MORE THAN YOU FAVOR YOURSELF. YOU MAKE THEM EARN YOU BY SETTING UP REQUIREMENTS, STANDARDS, AND EXPECTATIONS FOR THEM TO MEET.

    5. “Don’t try to make yourself important to others. It puts your heart in the mode of trying to please them. That’s not your job.” – is it also the case with one’s own children? (I have no family yet, just being curious for future).

    YES. IF YOU FOCUS ON FINDING GRATEFULNESS IN THEM, NOT ONLY WILL YOU BE IMPORTANT TO THEM BUT YOU AND THEY WILL ALL BE MORE IMPORTANT TO YOURSELVES. KIDS MAKE THEMSELVES IMPORTANT BY ACCOMPLISHMENTS. YOU CAN’T FEED IMPORTANCE TO THEM; THEIR NATURE REJECTS IT; THEY HAVE TO EARN IT IN THEIR HEART. THEY JUST DON’T BELIEVE OR FEEL WORTHY OF AN ADULT MAKING THEM FEEL IMPORTANT. (IT’S THE SAME NATURAL REACTION AS NOT FEELING WORTHY TO BE CHERISHED.)

    THOSE WHO FEEL IMPORTANT THINK THEY HAVE FREE REIN TO SELF-DEVELOP, WHICH MEANS THEY INITIATE AND LEARN TO LEAD AND SUCCEED RATHER THAN LAY AROUND AND NOT DEVELOP GOOD ENOUGH TO PLEASE MOM.

    6. A bit off theme: how to learn dodging questions? (This one is inspired by your words about a woman’s best friend.) I strictly adhere to your precept to keep my sexual status secret (in such cases I always succeed). But there are other situations. E.g. some girlfriends are being too inquisitive about different matters (my job, prices of my clothes, studies etc.) Can lies be acceptable in some cases? I feel uncomfortable (and once again guilty!) for wriggling out of answers. Is it curable?

    YOU HAVE TWO STRATEGIES AND CAN CHOOSE WHATEVER FITS EACH SITUATION. 1) PRACTICE USING THIS TO FEND OFF ALL QUESTIONS THAT YOU DON’T CARE TO ANSWER. “WHY DO YOU ASK?” AND SAY NO MORE. 2) STUDY POST 2111. IT SHOULD ANSWER EVERYTHING ELSE.

    I know I am being extremely inquisitive myself. And I hope it does not disturb you.

    NOT THE LEAST DISTURBANCE. YOUR QUESTIONS ARE GREAT ONES BECAUSE MY ANSWERS FLOWED OUT CLEARLY AND SO EASILY BY MY STANDARDS AND WORKLOAD. IT WAS A PLEASURE RESPONDING.

  4. SouthernBelle

    Sir Guy,
    In regards to this statement:
    “…men primarily cherish through actions. Loyalty earns commitment, which is foundation for devotion to develop, which morphs into cherishment if she provides the time and allows him to please himself by pleasing her. The greatest price she has to pay is to remain as likeable and loyal to him as he expects.”

    In observing his actions towards me (dating) I find myself at times overthinking if I should always express the depth of my feelings of gratitude and warmth for the things he does and just who he is. I feel these things sincerely but wonder if it may be perceived as too much gratitude for what he believes is the norm in how a man should be.
    Also how is loyalty judged by him if she should not commit exclusivity to him until marriage proposal?

    YOUR HIGHNESS SOUTHERNBELLE,

    I RESPOND IN CAPS TO your lower case comments

    In observing his actions towards me (dating) I find myself at times overthinking if I should always express the depth of my feelings of gratitude and warmth for the things he does and just who he is.

    NO, DON’T. HE DOESN’T NEED YOUR WORDS. HE NEEDS TO SEE YOUR ACTIONS THAT LEAD HIM TO CONCLUDE WHAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE. LET HIM FIGURE YOU OUT BECAUSE IT’S MUCH MORE CONVINCING TO HIM THAT WAY.

    THE PRESSURE THAT YOU MUST RELIEVE LIES HERE. YOU DON’T FEEL YOU LOVE HIM UNLESS YOU UNLOAD YOUR FEELINGS ON HIM AND DO IT WITH WORDS. PLEASE, DARLING, LEARN TO LIVE WITH THAT PRESSURE BY SUBSTITUTING PRECIOUS ACTIONS FOR WORDS. MEN BELIEVE ACTIONS BUT DOUBT WORDS, WHICH ARE MORE LIKELY SELF-SERVING THAN ARE ACTIONS THAT CAN’T HIDE SELF-SERVING.

    I feel these things sincerely but wonder if it may be perceived as too much gratitude for what he believes is the norm in how a man should be.

    YOUR FEELINGS ARE RIGHT. IT MAY TOO EASILY BE PERCEIVED AS TOO MUCH, WHICH CAUSES DOUBT ABOUT SINCERITY AND RAISES THE QUESTION OF SELF-SERVING, WHICH CAN REDUCE YOUR LIKEABILITY AND BRING INTO QUESTION YOUR LOYALTY.

    Also how is loyalty judged by him if she should not commit exclusivity to him until marriage proposal?

    YOUR LOYALTY TO HIM IS THE LAST INGREDIENT OF HIS LOVE OF YOU. THE PROCESS WORKS LIKE THIS: 1) YOU’RE LIKEABLE ENOUGH TO HOLD HIS INTEREST. 2) YOUR PRECIOUSNESS TO HIM STARTS TO GROW, WHICH CAUSES HIM TO MAKE HIMSELF LOYAL TO YOU; IT REDUCES THE RISK OF LOSING YOU. 3) HE SEES THAT HE’S LIKEABLE ENOUGH FOR YOU TO DEVOTE YOURSELF TO HIM AND SO HE WORKS HARDER TO WIN YOU. 4) FINALLY, HE DECIDES YOU CAN BE LOYAL TO HIM ALONE—HE HASN’T NECESSARILY SEEN IT YET BECAUSE YOU DATE OTHERS—AND SO HE PROPOSES WHEN HE REALIZES IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO BEAT OUT THOSE OTHER GUYS. THEN YOU KNOW HE LOVES YOU.

    GUY

  5. gonemaverick

    “Fifth, … Her worth to him rises and the possibility of having to do without her stirs his imagination.” Sir Guy, care to explain this sentence?

    Your Highness Gonemaverick,
    As the result of months of actions to please her, his subconscious is programmed with devotion to her, and “her worth to him rises and the possibility of having to do without her stirs his imagination,” and he looks for more productive options than walking away from investment of himself.
    Guy

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