2255. Interface of Natural Love, Husband and Wife

Her Highness Prettybeans asked me to clarify #818 in article 2253. It says, “You can focus on the big things that hold a couple together—love, friendship, commitment. However, you’ll do better to focus on avoiding, quieting, and suppressing the little unacceptable irritants, fixations, and offensive habits that slowly shred love into bits and pieces.”

The continually linked interface of his and her love in the home is very complex, so this won’t be clear unless I’m up front, blunt, and candid again. I describe two spouses idealized by their male and female natures—as if they were born already married. It won’t match you and yours, but you may be able to figure out how you can use some of the following.

The wife whether dealing with husband or not focuses on love, commitment, cooperation, friendship, devotion, and she hopes to be cherished. Such emotional connections are vital to her. For the most part, she thinks and depends more on words to substitute for actions and to recover from wrongful actions. ‘I love you’. ‘I’m so proud of you’. ‘I apologize’. ‘Oh, you’re so strong’. ‘Man, you look handsome’. The words mean everything to her. She feels good about herself when she uses them. In fact, she benefits more than husband does.

You see, wife doesn’t love husband because he needs it. He doesn’t need her love as she imagines it. He expects her to like him as her mate and be loyal to him and his interests. By their nature, sons and females need her love, and many men in successful marriages learn to need it. Wife loves all of them because she feels good about herself, she makes herself important by loving them. It satisfies her prime motivation to earn self-importance. (When others are grateful for her importance, the feedback satisfies her need for self-importance.)

Husband doesn’t spend mental energy on major emotional connections—love, devotion, relationship, marriage, etc. Those things just exist and he takes them for granted. He doesn’t depend on words to form or convey his feelings but on his actions. It’s another paradox. Husband is direct by character and habit but expresses his feelings indirectly with actions. Wife is indirect by nature but expresses her feelings directly with words. Her words make her feel good and compensate for having to use her reservoir of patience to follow her natural indirectness.

Wife’s words to husband seldom generate his self-admiration, which is the prime motivator of men. Even his own words seldom earn self-admiration except maybe when he wins an argument with his self-proclaimed superior logic and reason. (Or, reprehensibly, when used for immoral purposes as other men often do—players seducing women, manipulating someone, deceiving others.)

A successful marriage is easily symbolized by this analogy. They fit together as two spoons, both literally and figuratively. Wife experiences it in bed literally as the intimate crown on a great life or another great day with him. He visualizes it as two-spoons bonded in life to shape his future and accomplish his ambitions, a figurative representation of what he bought into by marrying her. It’s another God-designed and Nature-endowed paradox. Wife is primarily focused on the future and he primarily on the present. Yet, when he thinks of the future she’s figuratively tucked in nice and neat in his embrace and the present is beautiful. She has the intimate bedtime moment in the present that brightens her future.

Husband takes her for granted. He doesn’t even think about judging wife until she disturbs his willingness to live with the disappointing actions that she repeats. That is, wife does fine until husband objects. Her words of attention, affection, and love are nice but neither motivate nor satisfy him. She feels great expressing them, but he’s not nearly so energized by them. He judges more her negatives than her positives. The latter he takes for granted because he earned them by giving up his independence. The former remind that he did or may have made a mistake marrying her, and his mind should never get to thinking in that direction. (It switches on his ‘achievement meter’ to do something about it.)

Neat and well-functioning castle, her eagerness to get him in bed, ability to capture and hold friends, ability to mother kids successfully, her smiling countenance and pleasant demeanor. Those a man appreciates; those and many more similar actions confirm her words about the ‘big things’ of love, devotion, etc.

Husband considers home a problem-free zone except for those involved with his personal responsibility. Wife problems are not his; he married because she is so capable.

As to the little things that she should focus on avoiding, preventing, and recovering, the following merely start a list. She complains all the time about every little thing. Never smiles. Sourpuss. Always late. Words don’t match her actions. Smirks at others’ faults. Won’t or can’t cook. Won’t keep the castle clean enough. Can’t nurture kids out of their bad times. Nags him. Won’t accept her responsibility but expects others to fulfill theirs. Reminds constantly about honey-do list. Counts on someone else to recover from her mistakes. Shameful personal appearance compared to courtship. Is very moody. Anger spoils family togetherness. Let’s frustrations control her life.

Within each item on that list are connected daily actions that irritate, confuse, and offend husband. None disqualifies her, but having to live with repeated episodes of just a few is enough for husband to start thinking about life without her.

Of course, wife is entitled to live her life as she sees fit. The point here is merely that husband makes judgments about her actions. Each complaint is an action. Each frustrated outburst is an action. Each smirk is an action. Failure to smile when teased about sex is a disappointing action. Letting kids have their own way is action. Alibis and explanations are accepted more as words than actions, which means they are essentially ineffective to convince husband that wife is right or justified.

So that I don’t confuse, I summarize by reducing all of the above to two concepts over which wife has control—her love and husband’s disappointments. The more her actions reflect love, the more likeable she is. The more her love is weakened by things that disappoint him, the less likeable she is.

Husband’s love is founded on respect and begins with his loyalty to wife because she’s so likeable to him. As her likeability diminishes, guess what happens to his love. And that, dear Prettybeans, is the essence of keeping a family together. He hangs around her for the loving and loveable actions that she uses to spread pleasantness and joy of living around his castle. Her reward comes from harmonizing relationship and family around those things that make her likeable to both herself and husband. IOW, she enables herself to feel good about herself from her actions rather than depending on her words.

Yes, successful wife plays to husband’s expectations by using her interpersonal expertise, natural adjustability, sense of survivability, and almost musical ability to orchestrate harmony in both relationship and home. It’s another paradox. She gets what she wants just by keeping him from getting ticked off all the time, which INDIRECTLY programs his heart with how lucky he is to have her.

But a word of caution. Wife can easily overdo it. If she’s too submissive, too much a lap dog to his desires, too weak to stand up for herself, too unwilling to risk losing him, then her actions take her in the wrong direction. She may still be likeable, but she loses husband’s respect, which is the foundation of masculine love.

I know you think I put by far the heavier burden on the wife. But consider this before making your final conclusion.

  • Wife’s nature empowers her and programs her heart to do what men can’t do.
  • Marriage was developed to enable wife to brighten her future with husband in the most reliable way for longevity and probable success.
  • Her natural adjustability and survivability enable wife to overcome the weaknesses of husband that work against family togetherness and longevity.
  • Husband, being primarily a producer, is great at accomplishments. But wife, being primarily a processor, is best qualified to integrate manly accomplishments with the unexpected changes in the process of married life.
  • Either members of the superior gender flex their feminine strength in order to balance the dominance of the other gender, or male dominance over time works inevitably in the direction of enslaving women.
  • There are two conditions required to contain male dominance within a suitable balance for fairness between the sexes, marriage and the absence of unmarried sex.
  • If wives don’t dominate the culture, society follows the lead of male dominance. Morality and religious values are the mainstays of feminine leadership in cultural values, standards, and expectations for society. It takes feminine and wifely leadership to convince men to live up to someone bigger than themselves, specifically God, wife, children, country, culture.

Love, commitment, friendship, cooperation, devotion, and cherished females do not achieve their worth in society until and unless women convince men to live up to someone bigger than themselves. Only wives have enough access to and influence with the male heart and mind to achieve it. Men disappointed with their wives lose interest in doing what wives want and expect.

I hate to end on that sour note, but modern women are making it happen. Unmarried sex discourages marriage and without marriage we don’t have enough wives to change the direction of America. When sex for pleasure prevails, marriage fails.

Whatever comes of country and marriage in the future, the key interface will be that between male and female love as God designed, Nature endows, and hormones energize. Bless you ladies for carrying on to preserve what went before and used to protect women in the U.S. better than anywhere else in the world or in history.

I kind of got carried away, ladies, and covered too much ground in one post. Unfortunately for you, it’s not the end of either my writing or personal weaknesses.


Filed under Dear daughter, How she wins, sex differences

14 responses to “2255. Interface of Natural Love, Husband and Wife

  1. Magnolia

    Great stuff! Keep it up, Sir Guy! I’m saving this one to my computer.

  2. prettybeans

    What a delightfully flattering way to end the week! Thank you for making me smile Sir Guy and for comprehensively clarifying my query.

    This is definitely something to process and reprocess over and I’ve again.

    Men are never more handsome than when they give a lady challenging food for thought 🙂

  3. gonemaverick

    “Unfortunately for you, it’s not the end of either my writing or personal weaknesses”

    it sure sounds like a swan song (smile).

    Your Highness Gonemaverick,

    Not intended but not a bad idea. Approaching 8 years and over a million words.

    And the pretty ones who are my favorites and quietest pay me too few visits. Take it personal, darling.

    Still roping and bulldogging those ranch hands?


    • eatacactus

      Making thousands of girls anxious with that comment, Sir Guy.

    • gonemaverick

      Sir Guy,

      i’m here every single day!

      you should take my silence as a compliment for having moulded this lady to what she is today. many of us who have been following this blog for years have pretty much sorted out our lives and are sharing this knowledge with girls who will listen. i will always come here when i need help in the love dept.

      much respect,

      Your Highness Gonemaverick,
      I love it when pretty women tell me, “I’m here every single day!”
      Also, in an old expression, your silence is golden, as a compliment it’s prized.

  4. Juju

    “When sex for pleasure prevails, marriage fails.” One of your MANY gems but oh so timely. Love how you condense so much wisdom into so few words. As they say, brevity is the soul of wit.

    I have taken note of your focus on a woman smiling. i love smiling and like many girls find myself doing that a lot, but especially on a first date! I have had a couple dates though where the boy took my smiling the wrong way and actually seemed to think i was laughing at him?! in the last relationship I had, i noticed at the end (when things were bad), I would smile at him, and instead of smiling back at me sheepishly as he did in the beginning, he would just stare back at me stone-cold. it was one of the strangest feelings i have ever felt, not to be dramatic. I hope one day i find a man who doesnt mind me smiling at him…a lot. i love it when a man responds favorably to a random smile!!

  5. Sharon

    Amen and Amen, to ALL that you wrote here, Sir Guy. You not only hit the bulls-eye with your “many writings and personal weaknesses,” but you give us women practical help. From close, personal observation, I know it to be true that if a wife is failing in many of the areas you describe here, her husband will shut down toward her and look elsewhere. On a specific, practical note, someone (male) recently commented to me that as far as organizational skills, you’re either born with or you’re not. If a household can afford it, I say “Hire a house-cleaner.” Don’t let a messy house discourage a husband and/or contribute to a marriage’s demise.

  6. Dear Sir Guy,
    This is quite brilliant, and I’m glad you went over the top rather than under.
    What would you say to me in light of the fact that I often struggle to be cheery at home? I am a charming little wife at parties and family events, but all the annoyances that he is dominating or overlooking me or both come out once we get home.
    I’m sure you have answered this before, but is the goal here to focus on making yourself happy and more or less distract yourself out of anger you might feel with him?

    Your Highness Caitlinshea3a,
    I wish you would be more specific about this: “but all the annoyances that he is dominating or overlooking me or both come out once we get home.” It’s not clear enough for me.

    • Dear Sir Guy,
      I had to think about this for a while. I don’t complain/discuss him to friends or mom, so it takes longer to figure out what’s going on. Basically, he is a very domineering person. I mean that positively. He holds huge sway over all his friends and family, very much a leader, and can always talk someone into his ideas. So when we are at parties, or most any social occasion, he is very focused on making a good and manly impression on his guy friends and more or less ignores me except for a smile or peck on the lips every once in a while. I am not someone he cares to hold a conversation with when there are bigger fish to impress around him. If I interject my thoughts, his guy friends will respond and chat, but not him. Conversations are just one good example of being overlooked.

      I try and apply your rules about WADWMUFG about ourselves, but I still FEEL annoyed. I do not show it at the social event, to him or anyone else, but it feels unfair to both put up with being ignored AND act happy and cheerful once we are home. He feels betrayed and wonders why I was happy all night until we get home. You emphasize that fair doesn’t matter, and I agree. My only question is, what is the best way to deal with annoyance without always burying resentment?

      Your Highness Caitlinshea3a,

      Miss Gina just below has sound advice clearly expressed.

      I look at your situation and see an alternate path. From the WWNH view of how we are born with different natures, I offer a good way to relieve the burden you carry.

      Cause: He takes you for granted because you are so valuable to his likeability among others. He is self-centered enough that he doesn’t want to share the credit, to let others think you may be behind his success, but it’s not deliberate, just a strong leader’s subconscious reaction. He wants to appear strong all by himself. Otherwise, it would weaken the way he thinks of himself. He doesn’t know that your presence in his life among others does have an effect, and the more he ignores you the less that others respect him. Oh, not much but a little bit of respect-loss follows his ignoring you. A certain phony air attaches to someone who ignores their mate as relatively unattached in public appearances.

      Solution: As always when husband’s habits make wife feel less than good about herself, take deliberate action to renew his respect of you. You’ve read me tell other women to stand up for themselves even if they have to get in hubby’s face. Demand that he do more, get better at doing whatever she expects.

      Not in your case, however. You need a smoother method because of his dynamic persona.

      I suggest you write him a very short note and deliver it when he’s going somewhere. Not to be read in front of you. Also, not something to upset him, but just to tickle his mind that maybe he’s doing you dirt. I suggest this wording.

      “Darling, my admiration of you weakens when we’re among other people. You’re so respected and I wish I could reflect more credit on you. But I try and can’t. I wish you could promote my importance when we’re outside our home. It would sure help my morale living with such a great guy. Don’t want to talk about it. It’s too small an issue. So, case closed, I’ll say no more and you can forget it too.”

      P.S. Stress and reinforce informality and casualness as much as possible. ‘Ain’t no big deal’ by the time it registers in his psyche. IOW eliminate all blame, guilt, regret.

      • Miss Gina

        Your Highness Caitlinshea3a,

        If I might venture a thought or two here…

        Not sure whether you are only annoyed at parties or elsewhere also, but I will offer thoughts about the parties.

        What kind of attention, particularly, are you feeling that he should be paying you there? When my husband and I go to a party or gathering, we may arrive together but spend the entire evening apart. I feel this is common, and it may be your husband’s expectation.

        Now, ignoring you in conversation with others is quite rude on his part. Amazingly enough, he may not realize he’s doing it. But…change the dynamic, and see what happens…

        The more you operate on your own socially, the more he will respect you (and therefore be more loving). Try to spend the entire evening pleasantly occupied with other people (or comfortable in your own thoughts if not in conversation), with as little involvement in his conversations as possible. Of course, always be pleasant. If he is rude, stay calm, pause, and raise one or both eyebrows slightly (you can practice ahead). Or if he’s not even looking at you, ever so quietly get up and leave the room. Do or think something to make yourself happy, and let that be the end of it.

        This should have the effect of drawing him to you eventually. He will be wondering what you are up to and why you don’t need his attention anymore. Putting a little space between you and your man usually draws him back eventually. Don’t worry about being as gifted as he is. Just have fun without him and be cheerful at home. He likely will be relieved that you’re happy and very impressed that you are trying and making progress in “his” area of dominance. It may take a little time for him to get that his ignoring is displeasing you, but time will probably bring him around.

        Further thoughts…It is a trait that irritates husbands when they are made to feel responsible for their ladies’ social enjoyment. They have no idea how to fix it and feel like failures.

        Also, as Sir Guy mentions, a man taking his wife for granted is a sign that he feels comfortable leaving her side to make his “forays” into the world. He expects to come back and recharge in her wonderful presence. This is overall a good sign.

        If finding pleasant conversation at gatherings is difficult, it could indicate a need for working on social skills. Or, maybe that group doesn’t suit you. Might there be an opportunity to find other friends? As for family, of course, that’s an area we have to make the best of, usually.

        Finally, it’s not clear how much time you spend as a couple at gatherings, but if it’s a lot, maybe you personally would enjoy a bit more time together just as a couple and a compromise would be possible.

        • gonemaverick

          very articulate Miss Gina.

          i especially like this paragraph: “Further thoughts…It is a trait that irritates husbands when they are made to feel responsible for their ladies’ social enjoyment. They have no idea how to fix it and feel like failures.” Sir Guy has taught us well. hasn’t he?

  7. surfercajun

    I woke up thinking about this article…. At times all this indirect talk and direct action can be so confusing at times. Sir Guy, you say show action but then state to admire and appreciate. This at times makes me feel so overwhelmed….. like now (frustrated sigh)

    Lately, I been listening to songs by men singing about their woman/ sweetheart/dream gal and it does state action if only by his thoughts. Example: One song sings about her running her hands through his hair, in another he wants to pull over and tell her what he is thinking, and still another she paints her toe nails sitting on the bathroom sink. But one that really stands out is the Billy Joel song about how she comes to him and inspires him…. That’s talk. Is there a fine line to this walk? I feel as though I am going to trip on this high wire, falling head first to my impending death! I guess at times I don’t know which to toggle to!! Since we are human, I honestly believe we all need verbal affirmation at times. But does action mean MORE to men inside marriage or before marriage? Before conquest than after? I hope this is sounding alright or am I confusing the two?

    I suppose this does seem overwhelming at times because we simply have not practice what our God given femininity states. This line makes me think of the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice when Mr. Darcy (Colin Firth) is talking with Miss Elizabeth (Jennifer Ehle) with Col. Fitzwilliam ( Anthony Calf) in the room as she is playing the piano. She states she does not practice enough and it is her own fault so she slurs the notes and stumbles as she plays. Mr. Darcy states: Neither of them perform to strangers.

    Besides, this song yesterday prompted me to think of you. Isn’t music wonderful? 🙂

    Your Highness Surfercajun,

    I agree with “we all need verbal affirmation at times.”

    Before conquest, he’s thinking of little but her sexual attractiveness. After that, actions reveal just who she is as a person, woman, and whatever roles she fills in life. She’s more than a sex target but he doesn’t realize it until he gets his mind off bedtime with her either after conquest or his finding out she is the woman for his life.

    Thanks for the hint my way of Don Williams music.


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