2257. From Whence Comes Respect

Sir Eric at 2250 triggered this article. He said, “Before there was No-Fault Divorce, the wife’s behavior would have been legal grounds for a divorce, and now their husbands praise the same behavior!”

I quote from Wikipedia, “The earliest precedent in no-fault divorce laws was originally enacted in Russia shortly after the Bolshevik Revolution. …The purpose of the Soviet no-fault divorce laws was ideological, intended to revolutionize [transform?] society at every level. … California was the first U.S. state to adopt what are now called “no-fault” divorces in the United States in 1969.”

I hope to show that the damage to family stability and need of no-fault is caused by lack of mutual respect, in slight decline before no-fault but precipitously so ever since.

Men are driven to compete against Nature when it obstructs progress, compete with other men to enable progress, and shape and control human events. To the male mind, women aren’t part of that competitive world, just supporters, witnesses, or interferers.

The male competitive nature prevents men from respecting other men until they earn it by accomplishments that symbolize their significance in the male world. Significance, for example, in personal associations, professions, workplaces, fathering, sports, home. IOW, by value-added indications of accomplishments and personal significance, men earn the respect of other men; they earn mutual masculine respect by doing.

Women also have to earn masculine respect. Not in terms of individual significance for doing things, however, but by making themselves of significant value to supporting a man’s ambitions. Some mixture of success as female achiever and ambition-aiding significance—in competition with other women—earns the respect of men.

It enables each man to find, evaluate, and mate with the most respectful after evaluating the most respectable in his own judgment. Yes, selecting a mate begins with his respect of her before love ever invades his heart. (Selecting her based on respect also helps husband this way; how well wife is respected by other men adds to both his self-respect and respect of men.)

Thus, a man’s respect of men revolves around accomplishments that kind of generate a pecking order that varies and guides men through each competitive event and day. A man’s respect of a woman depends on her ability to accomplish significant things of lasting interest to him.

A woman’s respect of a man emerges differently. She loves first and learns to respect later. His accomplishments are not the root of her respect. It accumulates from his success helping her confirm her sense of self-importance as person, woman, mother, friend, girlfriend, fiancé, bride, companion, and the other roles she fills in their life together.

Now watch this ladies and tell me if I’m wrong. She respects him as the result of her making him important in her life. To the extent he doesn’t fit well in her plans for shaping their relationship, she doesn’t respect him. IOW, for the most part, if their relationship sours, it’s his fault and he doesn’t deserve for her to respect him.

Therein lays one root of early divorce. He respects and loves her. His habits and faults hit her wrongly, don’t meet her expectations. She tries to change him and he resists. She becomes frustrated, which makes her feel incompetent, which makes her feel unimportant in his life, which stimulates her to not show respect for him, which he sees as reason to depart if she hasn’t already filed for a no-fault.

Consequently, mutual respect depends on wife finding and keeping respect for husband and not letting his behavior diminish her appreciation for their relationship.

Perception is reality in such cases; whatever appears to be, is. Immature women and those who lack patience judge their man too quickly as not respectable enough. They act accordingly, hubby detects it as ingratitude, her likeability begins to fade and his love to weaken. All of which kills mutual respect.

Women expect her and his love and men expect mutual loyalty and likeability to hold their relationship together. The common denominator, however, is respect. And unless it grows into mutual respect, the no-fault is not far behind.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, how she win, sex differences

8 responses to “2257. From Whence Comes Respect

  1. MissBlackbird

    Good afternoon Mr. Guy,
    I am wondering if you could list a few examples of what you mean by this,
    “A man’s respect of a woman depends on her ability to accomplish significant things of lasting interest to him”.

    Your Highness MissBlackbird,

    Significant things of lasting interest to him? The source is about married folks, so that’s the context.

    Keep a home, make it his castle, care for their children, support his work and ambitions, respect his friends, be excellent and available lover, make herself reliable as wife and mother, respect family financial objectives, admire his accomplishments, honor his need to ‘idle his brain’ in private time, keep surprises to the minimum, help keep her mother-in-law happy but uninvolved in family affairs, help develop good reputation for the family, treat her car with the care it deserves, balance check books, anticipate problems and lay groundwork for easy recovery, use a budget to advise and control spending, accept complete responsibility for housekeeping, keep home lacking in harshness and ill-will, keep but don’t nag about honey-do list, use creativeness to minimize domestic pressures, discipline the kids and keep him in background as ultimate threat (he’s much more effective as backup to mom but never actually needed because mom builds his tough reputation as threat to kids’ backsides).

    Harmonizing all those and many more things into a smooth running home and family is her greatest accomplishment and way to expand the respect she earned before marriage. Home full of smiles and pleasantness, love and warmth, peace and goodwill. Home leadership that makes him appear to be top dog (whether he is or not) and wife who uses feminine self-confidence to continually upgrade her competence as spouse and lover.

    In short, all those things he wants more of rather than less.

    Of course, he expects a lot. But keep this thought in mind. She wants to do all those things smoothly and confidently. It’s her feminine conscientiousness. He’s just expecting those things because he gives up his independence and provides/protects knowing that he’ll be putting no extra burden on what she would do anyway.

    The squeaky wheel that needs the greatest feminine understanding and lubrication comes from him telling her HOW to do those things instead of letting her determine the best way to integrate it all into one furry little fuzz ball of family happiness.


    • Sharon

      A terrific list of the practical (and doable) that a wife may implement for creating harmony in the home and for fostering respect from her husband. Thanks, Sir Guy.

      Your Highness Sharon,
      I have a strong feeling that the list is not even half of what women should consider. But I ran out of steam. Perhaps something will prompt a return to it.

      • Sharon

        Sir Guy, your list is just so “fresh,” and with room for individual translation. The mother-in-law item made me smile, and I take it to heart as a mother-in-law, myself. In other posts, you emphasize the need for “mirror time,” so no need to include on your list here. Just today, though, my husband told me he was proud of me for my creativity with clothing (e.g. re-sale shopping, using a tailor, etc.) As a woman in the home, there’s SO MUCH room for creativity, so that could be added to your list, too. Thanks again. I think I’ll print out your list for use in my teachings.

        Your Highness Sharon,
        Yes, a good one. I added it as: Use creativeness to minimize domestic pressures. Thank you.

  2. Eric

    The sexual revolution turned out to be such a disaster for Russia that it didn’t outlive the Lenin Regime. Stalin had to re-institute traditional marriage and divorce laws—as well as banning feminism—to save the USSR from complete collapse. Him and his henchmen, though, did foment it abroad as a way of destabilizing their opponents, and that policy seems to have done its work albeit too late for the Soviets’ purposes.

    Sir Eric,
    Thanks for amplifying the cultural side of Soviet life. My study was always focused on political, economic, and diplomatic history. You fill a gap nicely.

    • My Husband's Wife

      Very interesting, Eric. Interesting that you hear about Putin encouraging traditional marriage and family and discouraging homosexuality as well as Christian values. My husband and I joke with each other about how Russia is looking better and better 😉

      So glad Sir Guy expanded on your comment and turned it into another great article for us ladies. Coming to this site and seeing the thought-provoking and intelligent comments gives me hope for a brighter future.

      Speaking of hope and change, just watched a great movie called “Amazing Grace” about how William Wilberforce battled to end the slave trade. Change can happen!

      • Eric

        Putin grew up in the Soviet Union and worked for its security forces, so doubtless he knew the history of what familial breakdowns can do to a country. After Crimea reunited with Russia recently, their legislature ratified Russian marriage and anti-homosexuality laws. Although our media won’t report it, hundreds of families of Ukrainians have immigrated there to escape the decadence that the Western powers have been imposing on the country.

        During the French Revolution, the nutcases running that country even went so far as to abolish marriage and made a ‘free-love’ state. It didn’t work out for them any better and Napoleon had to re-establish things too to save France from descending into anarchy.

        It’s amazing when looking at these historical precedents just how fast nations come apart once they go down this road.

  3. That Horse Is Dead

    I watched a really interesting movie this past weekend. The movie is called “St. Vincent” starring Bill Murray. And while there is a lot of questionable content (viewer beware), the premise of the movie was about finding the good in people — in this case, the terribly flawed Vincent character. To an outsider, he is a drunk, smoker, gambler, only cares about himself, thief and user of prostitutes. Until a single mom and her son move in next door. Without a babysitter, the mother asks Vincent to watch the boy after school. The boy sees past his hard heart/head to the man who was a war veteran, has done his wife’s laundry weekly for 8 years while she lives in a nursing home, and teaches the boy to defend himself. In the end, the boy writes a heartwarming speech about Vincent as a “modern day Saint” even though he doesn’t appear to have the qualities of Mother Theresa. I think it goes well with this post, “whatever appears to be is.” The boy saw a saint, everyone else saw something else. When I was in marriage counseling just before my “no fault” divorce, I remember my counselor asking me, “Do you find ANYTHING redeeming about him? Anything you can admire or respect?” Amazing how right on track she was.

    Your Highness That Horse Is Dead,
    I saw it too. Enjoyable story and flick.

  4. Queenbee

    “Consequently, mutual respect depends on wife finding and keeping respect for husband and not letting his behavior diminish her appreciation for their relationship”

    Here is how I ‘found’ this respect: Husband was traveling extensively (weeks at a time) when the children were younger. In order to preserve their relationship with their father, but contrary to some of my feelings at the time, I continually spoke to them about his accomplishments and told stories about his humor, intelligence, hard work, dedication to the family etc. The result? He became a hero to them and (unexpectedly) to me because all I verbalized was positive. Whatever feelings that I had to the contrary were diminished and many time extinguished all together which ultimately led to resentment-free communication between him and me. This whole post is dead on, Sir Guy.

    Your Highness Queenbee,
    Thank you, darling. I love it when pretty women describe with experience how to generate a great marriage—that which is so easy to tear down—and describe it much better than I.

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