2265. Wife Invited to Work Full-time


Her Highness My Husband’s Wife described at post 1838 how middle-age husbands try to get their wives to get full-time jobs. She wonders what a wife should do when she thinks differently.

Were I a wife in the situation you describe, I would be prepared. At the first hint that it’s coming, hopefully before he suggests it, and especially before he can put forth his arguments, I would pull out my previously prepared list and do the following.

I would sit him down. Standing before him in my gentle, sweet, pleasant, and determined but undetectable attack mode, I would courteously hand him the following list of costs to our marriage if I’m no longer responsible to keep the best castle to which I’m capable. Does he agree that we should pursue a full time job for me? And then I would shut up; let him read. Maybe even stroll off to another room.

——

My precious husband,

Peering into the future, I have spent a lot of time fitting my abilities into a design of how I could be successful working full time outside the home. We could use the money but at what price to personal satisfaction and marital harmony?

With a doubled workload, I have to have a precise schedule to avoid an unappreciated temperament to which you would be exposed and to ensure the sense of satisfaction that I can do right things as we go along.

You married me for better or for worse. Unlike you I’m only capable of so much and over time have measured my limitations. I guess my limitations make up my ‘worse’.

I know what works. I have figured out what it would take for me to have a full time job. The following is designed to prevent loss of my interest in marital matters.

  • Being a primary income earner entitles me to sit down after work, grab beer and clicker, and satisfy myself while preparing for tomorrow’s battles. That style of recovery works for you but I have to find ways for me to recover too. Otherwise, my interest in living wanes when I can’t both wife and mother to my satisfaction.
  • Breakfast and dinner will be processed food; heating only required. Or we eat out as long as I’m back home before 8pm on nights before workdays.
  • Lunch is not available on weekends as those are my washing and cleaning days.
  • Dinner will be done and dishes in the washer before 7pm. Big meals before bed ruin my sleep habits and I’m too tuckered out to work the next day. Without 8 hours sleep, I drown in self-pity, boredom, and marital regret after a half-dozen hours outside our home. I’ve been there and the pressure is too much for this weakling of a female for any extended period of time.
  • On workdays I retire from housework at 7pm regardless of what’s not done.
  • I go to bed at _pm for 8 hours of sleep regardless of your schedule. I will need the TV removed from our bedroom or separate bedrooms.
  • I can’t do night-out when next day is workday.
  • I schedule dusting, washing, and light cleaning every weekend, clean more thoroughly once a month, and can’t afford to spend time outside the house such as flower gardening.
  • As much as it makes my castle-building spirit smolder, I will save time and energy by not picking up after everyone. Clutter will be normal if I can live with such irresponsibility for this homemaker.
  • We’ll have to rearrange our schedules for sharing the driving of kids where they have to go.
  • You’ll have to help with grocery shopping and perhaps other errands the sharing of which we can work out.
  • I have not yet found a new and particular way for me to fulfill myself with some sort of entertainment. But I’m working on it.
  • Other things will be required from you to keep my spirits up. For example, more affection, more appreciation, more humor, more cooperation, more consideration, more uplifting spirit, more fatherly leadership, and more confirmation that I’m precious rather than just a fixture.

I can do it and we can do it. You’re the one to decide if we should or not. I too would like more money coming in. Is it worth it to you to have your wife following a strict schedule that takes away some of your discretion about marital matters?

Your trying-to-be-precious wife,

(his favorite nickname for her)

——

9 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins

9 responses to “2265. Wife Invited to Work Full-time

  1. LOL! That is a great list. Sad but true. I only work part time and I think it is a good thing, but there is no doubt that the castle suffers and the man doesn’t get the full attention he deserves.

  2. surfercajun

    Wish I had this list when I was working full time, then later pregnant with second child. We seem to NEVER have enough money.

    But I was determined to quit and stay home after child was born and tearfully stated so. ( was almost 9 months… We cry at everything at nine months don’t we ladies? :o) Most people thought I was having twins as this kid was so big……giggle)

    Looking back, I am so glad I did.

  3. Magnolia

    This is very good. I recall someone on this blog giving the idea to leave the option to husband (as head of household and leader), but to suggest that they can adjust the budget–maybe get rid of one of the cars, buy a smaller home, etc. People have many things that they don’t need anyway. The key here is that the woman won’t be overworked as the load is overwhelming. Especially when there are children in the household. And if those kids are still little, forget it. Momma never gets time for herself, never gets a break if she works outside the home. It’s too much.

  4. Magnolia

    Mom ends up working outside of the home and taking care of household and children. Men don’t know much about that. It just amazes me. I am close to some people (one example of many) and she does the groceries and cooking, she checks that the kids are where they should be in terms of school, homework done, appointments at the doctor, etc, etc. etc. She runs the household beautifully. One day he was asking what time the kids nap. I was: “What?” It just shows that he is just clueless about all that. He does have a great job, though. I’ll give him that. But then so does she. So I’ll try to stay home if I can. It’s just too much.

  5. E.L.

    Sir Guy and Ladies,

    is it ok to fully depend on one’s husband financially? (I mean in the modern world with all its imbalances and shortcomings). How is it possible for a housewife to be treated fairly in terms of money? How to get rid of thoughts like “I should not buy myself this nice dress as I do not earn anything”?

    In my family the mother has been the main provider (she is a private employer). As my dad has lost his job a couple of years ago, she has become the only one who is earning money. They are used to such division of roles, but this is not what I want for myself. I would like to put most of my effort into family. However, I cannot allow a picture of me as a housewife even mentally. Is it possible to bring one’s dreams and brains to consent =)?

    • MLaRowe

      I am completely dependent on my husband financially at this point in our marriage although I made more money than he did when we married.

      Choosing to nurse my babies had a lot to do with letting go of my career. Infants are demanding and I decided what my first baby needed was a lot more important than what my boss wanted even though I did enjoy my job at the time.

    • Cinnamon

      E.L.,

      Sir Guy has a lot on this in the archives (CONTENT section). I also recommend the “Make Marriage Work” article (linked at the top of the blog) which is EXCELLENT.

      I have a friend who recently separated after several decades of marriage and several children. She told me that in retrospect, the turning point where the marriage begin to come apart was when she went back to work part-time against her husband’s wishes (he was tight and rather selfish with money, and she was sick of not being able to buy more toys for the kids at Christmas, for birthdays, etc.). The marriage went downhill from that point on, and his selfishness became even worse. Had this blog been available at the time she would have managed the situation very differently. This example also underscores the importance of a long courtship and the “he always pays” rule during dating. If he is a tightwad during courtship it will only get worse after marriage.

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness E.L.,
      That’s what courtship is all about, to negotiate those arrangements that you desire. The details of fulfilling negotiated dreams fill this blog.
      Guy

  6. Meow Meow

    I am a big believer in “Pin Money” for a rainy day. Things happen over a lifetime that you can’t predict and even if one does not wish to work full-time (I don’t) its hard for me to believe that a small part-time job or at the minimum developing some skills that could be used to earn cash in time of need would be a bad thing for most ladies, especially those with dependent kids, as long as the majority of it can be done during school hours or without too much running around!

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