2273. Compatibility Axioms #901-910


901. Long before the wedding date, commitment to marital spending, financial decision-making, and ultimate success ranks as highly as commitment to each other. [301]

902. Budgeting generates good self-discipline to overcome and minimize the effects of bad habits. New habits can put mind over money instead of plastic over mind. [301]

903. If you can’t budget, you can’t plan effectively. There is no better way to budget than whatever way you choose that keeps spending below income and makes savings a lifetime commitment. [301]

904. This shows respect for your spouse. Commit to stop, slow, or compensate for impulse buying, compulsive shopping, and immediate gratification. [301]

905. Reward yourself inexpensively every time you avoid a big purchase or an unplanned big expense. [301]

906. Financial success comes not from how much you have but from control of spending.

907. Rewarding yourself inspires and reinforces new habits. Do it for staying within budget, not having to pay credit card interest, and meeting your saving goals. [301]

908. Devote yourself to your spouse by not overspending in your domain of responsibility. [301]

909. It’s her faulty reasoning. She seeks a man’s empathy or sympathy about her ex. Whatever she gains will be lost as he ponders about or imagines her sex with ex. [302.]

910. Uncovering her sexual history is masculine due diligence. Men want to know but the less they know the better and none is highly desired. [302.]

7 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins

7 responses to “2273. Compatibility Axioms #901-910

  1. surfercajun

    901. Long before the wedding date, commitment to marital spending….

    Is this decisions they make together before marriage? How money will be spent? …setting ground rules?

    Here’s one….. best that was ever made:
    You take care of your side of the family, and I shall take care of mine.

    (aka when problems arise…nosy in-laws, rude comments made by opposite sides of the family, friends, fill in the blank, etc) Later, this can pour into your side when masculine power is absent.

    And as always, give the benefit of a doubt. (that’s the Queen Esther way) Who doesn’t want to be a Queen? She is my favorite person to emulate! I would go so far to say, she is the embodiment of Fruit of the Spirit but would not allow anyone to *walk* all over her either! We need more Queens…….Which reminds me. Has anyone ever read a story called When Queens Ride By?

    Your Highness Surfercajun,

    Yes, during engagement is a good time to negotiate how money will be handled and spent. It’s just disclosure of one’s habits, intentions, and promises.

    Queens Ride By did ride by this blog a few months ago. Enjoyed by several if not many.

    Guy

  2. Sharon

    Sir Guy,
    Point #910 suggests further indication of the different natures of men and women. Regarding a man’s premarital sexual activities, it seems a woman can more easily accept and calmly say, “That was in the past and nothing to do with me. This is now.”

    I personally know of two instances where when the men learned, after marriage, of their wives’ ONE sexual partner YEARS before the marriage, both were stunned. One agonized for days, before he was able to articulate his shock and disappointment and discuss with his wife (and extend forgiveness). The other agonized, and then confronted, but still feels betrayed and distrustful. I don’t minimize their shock and disappointment over a shattered ideal, or offer further lengthy comment here, but perhaps part of the difference and dilemma is that men are so very “visual,” and they recreate and repeat imagined scenes in their minds (as Point #909 attests).

    A woman has a choice to a.) remain chaste; b.) be chaste after wrong choices, and keep mum about her sexual history, risking inadvertent exposure; or c.) risk full disclosure and her ability to earn future trust.

    Forgiveness — God’s desire and example — IS possible. Not a one-time transaction, though. Both it and trust require maintenance.

    Your Highness Sharon,

    Do you know what the two wives claimed before they married? How did the men not know? Not told or wives lied? Or were men misled? It makes a big difference. The man still distrustful, did he have reason to distrust before he found out? IOW, did the knowledge of previous encounter(s) reinforce recent concerns about her faithfulness?

    Of the three choices you cite, I think a) and b) are the best. Men can forgive more easily than forget about her previous encounters. If later he finds out, he can more easily forgive and trust again because of their relationship success. But he won’t forget, which tampers with his future trust as you mention. Also, he has it to hold over her head during disputes for the rest of their days together.

    If she fully discloses as in c), he’s in ‘can’t forget’ mode for their future together. If he learns inadvertently much later, their togetherness should have built up resistance to distrust after he finds out. I think the later the discovery and shorter the duration of his knowing, the better for her in the long run. It’s up to her to convince that her sexual history is not any of his business and that she can be trusted if he does find out later.

    Guy

    • Sharon

      Sir Guy,

      Thanks for the questions — to help clarify my comments — and for your further comment about forgiving and forgetting. You are a patient instructor!

      In both instances, the women had kept quiet about their pasts (choice “b” above). Their husbands learned, inadvertently, later in the marriages. Where the one forgave and chose not to hold it over her head, the couple had already been married several years and built a solid relationship. In the other situation (“indiscretion” learned after being married 10+ years), the man possessed a distrustful nature in general, not just toward his wife. What he learned has “stalled” the growth in their relationship.

      Being the “relationship expert,” a woman will need to put forth effort in tending the area of sexual history, whichever choice she makes. With a choice other than a.) remaining chaste, re-gaining the man’s trust, always, will take time and consistent actions on her part.

      Your Highness Sharon,
      Nicely done. Well and clearly expressed. Your wisdom always shines through. Thanks.
      Guy

  3. “Uncovering her sexual history is masculine due diligence. Men want to know but the less they know the better and none is highly desired.”

    That really speaks well to the differences between men and women. Sex simply means something different to each gender and I think men tend to fear they will be compared to someone else or replaced or weighed and measured. A extensive sexual past can make him fear that he will someday get passed over in favor of another.

    Women tend to not share quite this same fear. We are more willing to say “that was all in the past.” There’s another aspect to that however, when men are promiscuous, they tend to return home, their loyalty is not affected as much, whereas when women meet someone they tend to run off with him. So her sexual history is a potential threat to the relationship, while his is not. Some women don’t like to hear this but men tend to have mistresses…and remain married, while women will run off and follow whatever man she gets involved with. Not that men should be unfaithful or anything, not that I am condoning such things, it’s just that this gender difference is not always understood.

    Your Highness Insanity22,
    I like it. Very clear and well expressed description of sex differences.
    Guy

    • Sharon

      Lady Insanitybytes,

      Thoughtful comments from you, as always. I put forth another sex difference, though. Regarding an unfaithful husband returning home and an unfaithful wife not returning, one of the men in my family commented that a husband is less likely to take back an unfaithful wife.She “runs off with whatever man she gets involved with” because she CAN’T go back home, he said.

      Of course, breaking marriage vows is awful, with each situation having its particular nuances (unresolved issues, length of marriage, ability to forgive, willingness to work at re-building, etc.). The comment I got just seems to harmonize with the other (a woman can more easily put aside a man’s past, while a man can’t let go of hers).

  4. KitKat

    If my husband cheated, and I find out, or he’s actually crazy enough to tell me cause he feels bad and wants to clear his conscience, he needs to get to gettin. It’s not the sex, but the willingness to hurt me at that level that says, if you can hurt me that much, and think somehow it’s okay, you’re just being a “man”, I hope it was worth it, cause I’m done. I don’t want I’m sorry, in that instance, it’s finished, and you need to know that, if I cheated, I would be done before I cheated.

  5. gobbley

    Dear Sir Guy,
    I’m wondering what you think about this strategy regarding a couples finances… What do you think about a husband providing wife with an allowance? I was first introduced to this concept from watching the I Love Lucy Show. I thought this sounds like a good idea…a certain portion of his income is set aside exclusively for her to spend as she likes – separate, and budgeted independently, from the household budget. This way, she doesn’t have to beg or pester husband every time she wants a new pair of shoes or whatever luxury item. Also, when she buys a gift for husband or someone else, she can actually say it came from her since she’s dipping into her own separate funds to buy the gift. This makes sense to me. As a guy, and as someone who has experienced being married, what do you think of this?

    Your Highness Gobbley,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    I love the personal budget concept. It blesses a wife’s desire for decision-making authority on financial matters.

    However, it also opens a door for her to be deprived of what else is happening in their other finances, e.g., savings and net worth. She should not give up being kept regularly informed of what else is happening to his income, which is presumably theirs. IOW, trust but verify.

    Guy

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