2289. Compatibility Axioms #931-940


931. Women know this in their heart. Self-interest motivates everyone. Self-centeredness motivates you. Us-centeredness motivates us. Selfishness de-motivates others. [311]

932. Feminism sours his day. Her feminist attacks unsettle whatever his commitment to her. [311]

933. If she’s never satisfied, it drives his thoughts to other options. (The wedding signaled she was satisfied with him, so dissatisfaction means she changed and is no longer the woman he married.) [311]

934. Think and act as men do regarding sex, and lack of dignity and self-respect will haunt you. [312]

935. Think and act as if men should not make themselves worthy of you, and they won’t. [312]

936. Think and act as if standing up inside, and you’ll not be cherished very long. [312]

937. Think and act as if their other parent is hateful, and you’ll weaken your child’s love for you.  [312]

938. Think and act disrespectfully of other people, and even your close friends will distrust you. [312]

939. Think and act dumpy, and you’ll likely become a dumpee in mind if not fact. [312]

940. Think and act lonely, and you’ll doom yourself to stay that way. [312]

13 Comments

Filed under courtship, dear daugher, Dear daughter, feminine

13 responses to “2289. Compatibility Axioms #931-940

  1. kapri20

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Please can you clarify this point?

    936. Think and act as if standing up inside, and you’ll not be cherished very long. [312]

    Thank you!

    Kathryn

    Your Highness Kathryn,

    To stand up inside is to conceal anger, resentment, resistance. It shows regardless of attempts to conceal it. When it becomes normal to your personality, cherishment dissolves without your knowledge until it’s too late.

    Women are born to know and act with greater ability but life’s lessons teaches some women they can get their way by acting that way. Tsk Tsk.

    Guy

    • kapri20

      That is very helpful … thank you Sir Guy!

    • Kristiane

      What is the better alternate action?
      I act like this very often and I want to change.

      Your Highness Kristiane,

      Only one alternate action exists to cure the anger, resentment, and resistance and to reduce insistence in getting your way all the time: Learn to like yourself better.

      It’s done two ways: Improve your self-image and self-gratitude. Read these series listed in the CONTENTS page at blog top:

      • All that start with “Self-esteem”

      • All that start with “Self-gratitude”

      • All that start with “Mirror Time”

      • All titled as “Pretty is as Feminine Does”

      • Article 1949

      • The study “Female Blessings at Birth,” which is menu item at blog top

      It’s a lot of reading but required to change your attitude, which is an external expression of what’s in your heart today. Reprogramming is possible but only you can do it. I’ve told you how above.

      Don’t let the volume of reading discourage you. It almost every bit is aimed at making you like yourself better. So, it’s just what any ‘doctor’ would prescribe. It’s not all that tough for a well-intentioned woman—especially one who finds it easy to smile a lot.

      Guy

      • Kristiane

        Thank you Gentleman Guy 🙂
        I have implemented the mirror time already and it works wonders. All of the reading is worth my happiness and being a better woman.

  2. “Think and act as if standing up inside, and you’ll not be cherished very long.”

    I think a man wants to be your protection, the one who looks out for your best interests? So if one is compelled to constantly defend themselves, to perceive him as the threat that must be monitored and regulated, it undermines his biological instincts, it signals disrespect and distrust. So one either resists or they yield. If we submit to him rather than resisting him, than it frees him up to be protective towards us. To be cherished is to be protected, valued. It is very difficult to cherish someone who is resisting you or signaling that they believe you are unworthy.

  3. “933. If she’s never satisfied, it drives his thoughts to other options. (The wedding signaled she was satisfied with him, so dissatisfaction means she changed and is no longer the woman he married.) [311]”

    I also think many men want their job to be done, so to speak. They like achievement, from the smallest “thank you” to the greatest sacrifices. This spurs them on. But if time and time again they put in work and never see anything for it, ultimately they will come to believe that the relationship, and not the individual actions, is the job. And if the job is never done, he never gets his just desserts and he is less inclined to try again. After a while, it’s like seeing someone stuck in a deadbeat job with no chance of promotion or a pay rise. Nobody stays there long if they don’t have to.

    Your Highness Superslaviswife,
    You’re right, darling.
    Guy

  4. Meow Meow

    But don’t we sometimes have to “stand up” for what’s right? My husband’s porn use is interfering with our sex life, so I see it as selfish. It is de-motivating me to stay in the relationship as in 931… It may not even have much to do with me, but it’s disheartening when he has a very willing partner who still finds him attractive and has done her best to stay attractive. Our 20th anniversary is coming up and he says he started watching video porn in the last year after some stressful life events. (No interaction with live women, but once/twice a week. We have dropped to about maybe 1/week…sorry if thats TMI.)

    I know he’s worried about getting older, (and me heading towards menopause,) his job instability and our child who has been having mental health issues. Believe me I too feel sad about these awful challenges but I try to stay connected to friends/social venues to keep my mind off things. Often i invited him but he wasn’t interested in joining me. I thought I was doing a good thing by leaving him alone when he is feeling grumpy but now he says I “run around and stay busy” too much! He says he loves me and I shouldn’t feel threatened by his looking. But i feel he is not being worthy of me, and if i accept it I don’t know if he will disrespect me even more!

    We’ve had a rocky road in life where I’ve had to be the breadwinner for 14 years, and now I feel sad that I don’t have peace in my own home so it is hard to give him the calm unwavering respect I know he wants. He is a good man but this threatens my image of and my devotion to him. I am simply bored of our life being a sob story! I want to enjoy life together, even if we aren’t doing well financially. But he says he feels like a failure and now this is making matters worse.

    What is a lady’s high-value response to porn use in a married household (a little bit is normal? All guys do it? No way Jose? Join in? etc.) i will say your previous writings about this are already very helpful. It would also be helpful for wives to know what to expect as a husband ages, physically and emotionally, and how to best be supportive. Your insights on men are the best, if the bluntest, that I’ve ever read. Sometimes its painful to hear, but at least I feel you tell us ladies the truth. I tend to be compassionate and understanding to a fault, but I’m not really sure I’m tough enough for marriage!

    • Meow Meow

      I also want to say, in case it sounds like I’m married to an oaf and that “I’m so Perfect” that i’m not…in fact when we were first married I remember how ‘Princess-y” and immature I was….even an awful spoiled crybaby at times…and hubby always seemed to know what to do and I looked up to him. The dynamics have now changed almost to their opposite….all I can say is good times and bad times bring out different dynamics in couples! (Sir Guy where is that post about how to help fix Role Reversal in a marriage? I feel that I look and act far more feminine than I used to…..but maybe I’m DOING too much? Too self-sufficient? Being TOO positive? If I didn’t I’m afraid the family would collapse!)

      Your Highness Meow Meow,

      You read this in article 2037: “Which is more critical to your interest and well-being? 1) His presence even if he watches porn; you can adjust in order to protect the marriage. 2) It’s either porn or you. You’re unable to tolerate his porn viewing whether habit or addiction.” Obviously, you choose option 1. We proceed from there.

      As I interpret what you write, I diagnose his habit as that of a man bored with his life. You asked about role reversal, so I will tie the two together.

      Immediately above you say how you used to be princess-y and immature. “…hubby always seemed to know what to do and I looked up to him. The dynamics have now changed almost to their opposite….” IOW, a role reversal.

      You are no longer the same woman he married and expected to spend his life with. His princess is missing. His mature judgment is no longer needed or perhaps even recognized, which means he’s no longer looked up to in the same manner, which means that others no longer believe in him as much as before, which means that he lacks outside confirmation of belief in himself, which porn can hold neutral if not fully substitute. IOW, another role reversal but the worst kind: loss of belief in self, which appears to have been caused by lack of belief in him by someone critical to his life.

      One role reversal never stands alone. There’s always one that follows and can even be less or more devastating. Men, looking for significance, can easily take the more devastating road of reaction, which can easily lead to porn in today’s high tech society.

      Role reversal is compounded by this phenomenon of human nature. The more we believe in someone, the more likeable they appear to us. The less we believe in them, the less likeable they are to us. As I’ve posted in several articles, likeability is the most critical ingredient of a man’s love.

      From what you write, it appears both roles gradually reversed sometime over the years. The question is who led the change? Well, men almost never change; they pride themselves in their ability to always be the same. Relationship experts, on the other hand, are pressed by social and domestic pressures to change fairly easily.

      To explain a way out of your dilemma, I am going to presume the worst and suggest how to proceed.

      To not abandon but relieve his porn habit, I suggest shock and awe for the whole family. You have to change yourself in hope that others will change in the ways that you hope, because you can’t change them.

      Rattle the cage that is your home in such a way that everyone stares at you in both surprise and consternation and that you call different but don’t immediately like. Become a non-boss when everyone expects you to be the boss.

      I know you’ll say you can’t do it, that the family would fall apart, and that he would get worse instead of better. But I say it anyway: sit down, turn inactive, and let everyone else respond in whatever way they choose to live their lives in the home you previously dominated. IOW, take your hands off the control levers of the home.

      An indispensible boss is nowhere close to an indispensible wife or mother or both. Make everyone boss themselves and see what happens. Your apparent importance will be reduced, your spirits will drag awhile, but I recommend doing it anyway.

      What do you have to lose that isn’t already endangered? Remember, at the top you chose option 1, not 2. My response is based on that.

      As to his porn habits, mention nothing. Ignore them and see what happens.

      Guy

      • Lilac

        Sir Guy,

        Would you give the same advice if it’s a dating relationship?

        Recently, there is a hashtag of “part-time girlfriend” on social media. My friend’s bf would leave comments to these posts and ask those “pretty, young girls” to message him. Isn’t it flirting? What advice would you give to my friend?

        Thanks again and have a good Sunday!

        Your Highness Lilac,
        He’s neither boyfriend nor potential real man. Dump him and never give him more than these two words: “Get lost” and don’t complain or explain further. If she accepts being treated as a s**head, she will remain so all her life.
        Guy

  5. Meow Meow

    Thanks for your response Sir Guy! (You must have got up early to respond with so well-thought out and lengthy a post.) Yes its scary advice. It will be hard to like myself. After all weren’t we raised on stories of women who had to step in and work like crazy during the Depression to save the family?

    As for hubby—-I think the loss of belief in himself BEGAN when he lost the job that provided for our family….and at his age, he couldn’t get another one (the height of the Recession….) over the years, despite me believing in him, and cheerleading for him, i saw him turn inward to anger and depression. Maybe clinical. Eventually he was sleeping 4 hours in the middle of the day…and I realized that, one way or another, if we were going to pay the bills, i had to step in. So without mentioning it or asking him about it i changed from Princess to Work Horse. I guess I felt I had to. i guess my enabling him (instead of princess-like DEMANDING that he man up and snap out of it and help us) allowed him to coast and also lose respect for me which continues to this day!

    It was a critical moment and when I look back on it I should have implemented shock and awe way earlier!

    Yes I have made myself ‘too important” to the family and to my own ego. In a way I’m terrified to step back and believe in him again. But he did get a small but demanding blue-collar job recently and it is enough—if barely—to support us. Yay him!

    One last question Sir Guy on this topic. You are suggesting an over-functioning woman in my situation “step back” from work/boss behavior. But I should NOT step back from wife/mother/lover duties, right?

    Your Highness Meow Meow,

    Last paragraph, right on. More dependent, understanding, patience, and allowing others to provide and fix things for you.

    Also, privately save a little money out of his income so you can soon claim that he’s making “big bucks” or at least “enough” for you to have some “left over.’ What things are called makes a big difference in how things are perceived and wives are received.

    Guy

    • Meow Meow

      Good news and, bad news….
      Well hubby was fired from his latest job and my spot work is over…now we are once again in dire straits. He is applying for security jobs, Wal-Mart etc. I have a chance to get some work over the holidays although it would put me in the main provider role once again….this time however I want to make some changes. Trying not to get too nervous and trust him to provide and that he will step up. Our family can’t get by on what I would do alone. He’s shown me he CAN change when I stand up for it hard enough as with him giving up the porn use and he’s taking better care of the home, doing outdoor chores and home repairs of his own decision. I have been able to spend much-needed time with my daughter. But I am still so anxious and when i am in danger of losing the roof over my head (our heads) I can get panicky and do too much…. My legs shake and my heart races, i over function, i try to inspire my family to do better… and my panic is growing that the same old pattern will happen…I’ll have to jump in, take on 2 jobs, and then he won’t get a job or he will only take on temp work. Its a bad pattern that he started after he lost his old job that meant so much to him 14 years ago. Trying really hard to stay a positive course and prevent the usual role reversal and the negative stuff that comes with it……

      I married a man of integrity, who loves me dearly but is so volatile in the work world. Its almost as if he is unhappy with any other job than the best, but is jaded and grumpy about working his way up again at his age. We are not young anymore and I am trying to prepare for an uncertain future in the years I have left to work. (Starting to have health issues, eyesight etc.) I don’t need much but if nothing changes soon….we’ll have no home, no retirement, no money. Last year he called me a gold digger when all I want is a stable home life to nest. I said but its you too who wants it —-don’t you?

      People tell me I am one of the most positive people they know. its true I talk to God always and I am so grateful for my life and experiences in many ways despite the financial, mental and emotional trials. What is right? I am trying to stay but if his constant under/unemployment continues to endanger us i don’t know if I should leave. Am I in fact just a gold digger for wanting us to stay in our home? I have already accepted our life together will be extremely frugal. He loves me and his daughter but it seems he can not take care of us. Something about him seems to be antagonizing other men—his bosses or potential employers. And at his age less and less people want to give him a chance. I want to know how to be helpful to the family but without anxiously jumping into the captains chair again. Don’t want to kibosh the good changes that have happened.

      Your Highness MeowMeow,

      Yes, the good news is the family has YOU.

      You’re made of tough stuff, darling. I’ve watched you grow over the past year and more than 100 descriptions of bad times, lessons learned, and successes improving your family’s life. Even taking time to advise other ladies.

      If you long to survive and dream to succeed, then you’ll find the upgrade you need. It can compensate for the hard times that you seem to face now. You have what you need in yourself, and with God’s help it’s a matter of inspiring those that follow your lead.

      Guy

      • Meow Meow

        Wow thank you Sir Guy! I’m so glad I found this blog…learning so much from you and the other ladies here. I never wanted to be tough but I am glad for my family that I turned out to be tougher than I thought I was.
        A lot of people thought i’d have left my hubby taken the kiddo and moved back in w/my mom and dad several years ago…thats not an option…. I don’t want to burden them anyway as they are in a similar situation!

        And, it is very interesting to see what happens when you take pride in yourself and stop acting like a leaf blown about in the wind. I was scared to do it. My husband is a good man at heart and I feel perhaps me having the bravery to draw the line about one issue made him realize, my pride/”princessy behavior” of putting my foot down and saying “you/we are better than this” is for our family, NOT just for me. I hope its catching! From what I see of him it seems to be….but indirect leadership is a lot harder then just nagging and organizing everything…takes forever to take a breath and retrain my brain not to jump in and over-function! So glad to have your long view. I don’t know what state I’d be in if I hadn’t found this Happy Place. 😉 Hugs

  6. Meow Meow

    How funny to think that he actually may have LIKED my more immature/innocent slightly demanding Princessy ways…by trying to be as least demanding as possible and work so much I did change to more of a doormat. Not that I want to go back completely to how i was but I’m sure it was more inspiring to be a Knight in the service of a Princess for him! I think this must be key for a manly man—if they get married they want to dedicate their life in service to someone who is inspirational to them no matter the circumstances, even ‘For Richer or Poorer.” I just wish he would stop judging himself now/comparing himself to other men financially….but maybe my sympathy is misplaced. Maybe in guy-think you have to be competitive to get motivated?
    Food for thought Sir Guy. I hope this story helps other people not just myself.

    Your Highness Meow Meow,

    “How funny to think that he actually may have LIKED my more immature/innocent slightly demanding Princessy ways.”

    If that’s who he married, that’s who he intended. It was a major part of your likeability in courtship or he wouldn’t have proposed. Of course he liked it and you that way.

    Although, given the chance, he would probably describe it and you in a slightly different way. But the results would be the same.

    Guy

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