2303. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 41-50


41. Quit trying to be perfect and quit trying to demand that of others. No one can be perfect but you can be the most ‘good person’ that you can imagine and the kind of woman that husband finds likeable. Perfection ain’t where it’s at. If it makes you more likeable to him, it’s the right thing to do (unless, of course, it goes against your moral principles).

42. Your moral principles and religious beliefs are a major part of your likeability. Disclose them during courtship or you will lose in the end. If you wait till after the altar, disclosure turns you into a different woman, one he did not marry. If you try to get him to buy into your beliefs and convictions, you are trying to change him, and that’s offensive to him.

43. If you learned to do or think something from feminists, drop it, quit it. It will offend him sooner or later. The nature of feminist-think makes you eager to blame him, which opens competition, which makes him vulnerable to lose battles with his woman, which men avoid at all costs, which causes male dominance to explode in her face, or else he may just escape her company. It can’t be good for you in the end.

44. If your man knows your sexual activity before him, he can use it against you. And most men will if they need it to keep from losing battles with their woman in the future. Full disclosure torpedoes the female ship, which then sinks when he decides to pull the plug and let you go your own way.

45. Sharpen your thinking and promise yourself that you will remain the closest you can to the woman he married—physically, mentally, and habitually. His thinking and expectations won’t change from the woman he met at the altar. Why should you if you hope to keep him?

46. You expect him to change to meet your expectations, but he doesn’t change his way of thinking and especially not for a woman. Consequently, he expects you not to change, but you have to in order to stay flexible and capable enough to harmonize your relationship. Only you can figure out how to keep those conflicting expectations harmonized.

47. If he doesn’t want to go to church, you go anyway. Insist that it’s your way of life with or without him. Don’t complain, don’t explain, and fix his breakfast with a smile on your face so he won’t begrudge your absence. You may attend all alone for years, but he will come to love you for it and be much more likely to join you someday. He will come to admire your moral strength and loyal determination, and what he admires is a virtue and men marry virtuous women. That is, your steady church-going (and with the kids) confirms his choice; he did the right thing by marrying you (even if he never attends church).

48. Start this during courtship. Stand up for yourself long before he has a chance to tear you down. Draw some lines in the sand that you diligently protect and over which he shouldn’t step. Example: He knows long before you marry that to hit you is to lose you. Period. That’s it. Once is enough. He can expect the same result will flow as the result of his abusive language, sexual maltreatment, lack of respect for your children, failing to respect your dignity, and whatever else you determine demeans you as person, woman, wife, and mother. He needs to know clearly—and long before you’re married that you will do exactly what you say if he crosses those lines.

49. During courtship you should clear the air about his expectation of your submission vs. your submissive spirit dedicated to supporting him. To submit is to follow his will as he directs it. However, you also have free will. You should reject his concept of submission and offer your alternative of a submissive spirit. To be submissive follows his will but is tempered by his recognizing and accommodating your interest and need.

50. Explain this difference to him and don’t allow him to change the arrangement. You have a submissive spirit that seeks to follow his lead in relationship, family, and home matters. It doesn’t mean automatic submission to his will over yours. You don’t or won’t accept what’s imposed upon you arbitrarily. But you will accept the same thing if it flows out of some form of negotiation or advance notice that invites your input. Certain decisions are his to make because he’s directly responsible for the results. Without including wife as advisor or worthy of advance notice, he can too easily demote her dignity as partner and carry an attitude of expectation that suggests she’s his slave.

Men wear submission as a biblical right, when it’s only a matter of privilege. While they deserve the role, they don’t deserve the honor without involving their wives. I describe the female authority in my book, Where Did All the Good Men Go? Chapter 8 describes both the female right and role, which are far different from masculine claims.

10 Comments

Filed under courtship, dear daugher, feminine, How she wins, sex differences

10 responses to “2303. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 41-50

  1. Beloved

    42. “Your moral principles and religious beliefs are a major part of your likeability. Disclose them during courtship or you will lose in the end.” i would think early in the courtship or asap because then he will understand if she’s offended by certain friends or behaviors of his and he can then decide if he wants to continue on and become a better person or end it. Right? Would, “I have pretty high moral standards” or “I’m what you would call really old-fashioned” be enough to get it through to him?

    Your Highness Beloved,

    Say the least you can and let him figure you out as he observes your subsequent behavior and standards. It will make it easier to both believe in you and accept you for it.

    Just say, I don’t like that. Or, that’s not my way of living. Then finish with no more explanation than, “I’m just old fashioned” if you think you have to explain yourself. (It’s best if you don’t, though.)

    Guy

  2. Etu

    Dear Sir Guy, somewhat related to 48: the guy I am talking to now, we have great conversations and I have many reasons to trust him. I am going through somewhat of an emotional time with my family and really not feeling like we are close as we should be so I am really wanting a close relationship and I pray marriage in the near future. This guy and I seem to have similar goals and all that. He is gainfully employed, also lives with his elderly mom helping take care of her. They are all on vacation right now (and I do believe him on all this). However when we talked tonight for about 20 minutes, the call just ended and he didn’t call back (we have a 7 hour time difference too btw). This happened once before and he emailed days later and didn’t say much directly about what happened to the call. He is a little older than me and not attached at the hip to his phone like so many people of this generation so I don’t want to overthink it…but i am. However, me going through this crazy emotional weekend, I was greatly hoping for his call today, and when the call ended abruptly and no call back, I am wondering even more….is he hanging up on me when someone like his mom etc I wonder? I can’t prove that and feel a little ‘paranoid’ thinking it. My gut feeling is that it is disrespectful to me, if that is what is happening. I hoped the first time it happened he would at least just email and say, sorry the call dropped. Do you think I should address this to him? I want to do it in a very respectful and non-paranoia, non-jealousy way. From what I can reason he has been very honest with me, so I don’t want to be accusatory. I would hate to think the call just cuts out….I just wish he gave me a reason or assurance after it happens. He usually calls me at about 11 pm or midnight his time, also..which is the more convenient time for me. Anyway, we are not in a relationship….I just covet your advice on how to deal with this, or if I should, in the right and feminine way. Thank you Sir! Ps this is Etu with a different email…didn’t save the old one!

    Your Highness Etu,

    I’m more suspicious than you about his worth for a relationship. I also suspect his mother may not be a good mother-in-law. More a guess than prediction, but several factors kind of build toward that conclusion.

    He’s from an earlier generation and lives with his mom. Where’s his dad? Has he ever lived otherwise? To take care of her is a good story, but abrupt hang-ups just past an older woman’s bedtime could mean she woke up and he—for whatever reason—could not continue with her aware of convo with another woman.

    Not much you can do but wait it out. Keep looking for answers to the above. Some of the ladies who read this may provide more info.

    Guy

    P.S. Keep in mind #31 in article 2302 about getting mother-in-law to buy into your marriage.
    G.

    • Etu

      Thank you Sir Guy….I need clearer eyes than my own to help me here. I have corresponded with this guy for over a year at great length and we do plan to meet. His dad died a few years ago. This guy is the only brother to work the family farm and has always lived in or near home save a stint at boarding school. He hates nursing homes and would never consider that for his mom he has commented. He seems to have a very demanding sched as do I though we still plan to meet. I have felt very good and at ease with our communication for the most part. He has only had 2 relationships, the last was 15 or so years ago and the first was as a teen. I feel good about him because he seems to be a committed Christian. I am hyper concerned about not seeming paranoid at this early stage…but it bothers me when the call drops and he either doesnt call back or doesnt explain it directly in email. Bcause of my phone carrier i cant make international calls to him but can receive his which I think thats fine because I wouldnt want to dial him first! Thank you dearly for reading this. I need to be honest eith him and myself and figure out how. Much love…Etu

      Your Highness Etu,
      With that background, honey, you have every right to ask (his next call) what happens when calls drop and no re-call. Expect an answer as it doesn’t appear that he may be hiding something or likely to be offended.
      Guy

    • Cinnamon

      Etu,

      I commend your search for a Christian gentleman and your willingness to look long distance to find one. I agree ,however, that this phone call behaviour is unsettling. I would not be one bit happy with it.

      Remember that “vague and unavailable” behaviour also includes men who blow hot and cold, men who are, in one word, inconsistent. No matter how attractive/sincere/kind this man is most of the time, the phone call schtick is disrespectful of you and thus inconsistent with who he is otherwise presenting himself to be. I would follow Sir Guy’s advice to a “T” and then just sit back and wait to see if he corrects the problem. If he does not I would back off politely but without complaining or telling him why. Let him figure out how to correct the problem (if he wants to, that is). Remember, you are the buyer and he is the seller.

      Your Highness Cinnamon,
      Good fill in of the blank spaces. Thanks.
      Guy

  3. Lilac

    Dear Sir Guy,

    My sister was living with her husband in Canada. Recently she flew back to Asia and visited me and parents.
    In a casual talk with her, i asked her what she and her husband do on weekends. She said on Saturdays, she played piano for an elderly church fellowship, and her husband played volleyball. And sometimes he would book a studio and have photo shooting with professional models.
    I further asked whether she had looked at the photos. She did not say much and simply said these models are professional.
    I googled my brother in law’s name and found some of his photos. All females. In very few clothes or even nude. “Erotic” was one of the photo options listed in his tags.
    I was quite surprised by his hobby because he is a believer, church-goer, and does not show much affection (not like children, wants to keep a pet rather than to have a child, found it hard to smile even in his own wedding). But he has taken this kind of photos for 15+ years (when he and my sister were dating).
    I was also surprised that my sister seemed not to have problem with his hobby.

    My questions are:
    1) why do both husband and wife think it is not a problem?
    2) is it really not a problem? If it is a problem, what impact can it have on their marriage?
    3) why would a man do such a thing?

    Thank you again for your reply.

    Your Highness Lilac,

    1) I would presume to preserve their relationship. Risk is high but not from her not seeing it as a problem for her. As a matter of fact, her not complaining may go a long way to keeping him faithful. After 15+ years he may have seen it all and mastered the art of faithfulness.

    2) It doesn’t appear to be a problem until one of them thinks it is. Perhaps for her if she has or finds reason to be jealous. Perhaps for him if wife complains excessively or if he becomes involved with someone in his business. Doesn’t have to be a model either.

    3) Not all men lust after women, but given the opportunity to gaze upon unmoving naked or near-naked females, most men would rush at the chance. Only self-denial by believing it to be wrong, honoring heart-felt pledge to one woman, or abiding the wishes of God would likely keep a man from gazing intently. Your brother-in-law has merged his professional life with the world’s greatest beauty, the female body. No one has to do it, but great opportunity attracts opportunists, and most men are that.

    Guy

    • Lilac

      Thank you, Guy, for your wise words!

      What if another man posts a nearly nude woman’s photo and writes “body is an art.”? He is thinking about art or lust?

      Your Highness Lilac,
      Who knows? But not many men specialize in art before lust.
      Guy

      • Lilac

        From men’s eyes, a body is just a body. They do not have to care about who she is. They do not have to fall in love with her. They can forget her easily. Right?

        To protect themselves and preserve their dignity, it’s better for women to dress modestly and practice feminine mystique and reserve the body for their spouse. Right?

        Your Highness Lilac,

        Not just any body but a sexually attractive body. Yes, love isn’t required and out of sight then generally out of mind. Except, that is, not out of mind for the woman of their dreams. But then it’s not all body but who she is totally.

        Not only their dignity, but their influence with men. Female modesty is a woman’s best defense against male dominance. Feminine mystique is her best way to demo her uniqueness by stirring the male’s curiosity. Which stimulates his imagination as to what she would be like in his bed, under his care, as occupier of whatever interest he may have in a mate, and in out-competing other men for her.

        Guy

        • Lilac

          Regarding the woman of their dreams, i have a few questions:

          1) a guy friend once briefly mentioned he was interested in a girl. But he thought she would never love him. So he did not pursue her.
          Another girl pursued this guy and they became bf/gf.
          Will he forget the first girl?
          Will the second girl replace the first girl and become the woman of his dreams?

          2) how does one know that she has become a woman of a man’s dreams?

          3) how to become a woman of a man’s dreams?

          Your Highness Lilac,

          I like your numbers; much easier to respond.

          1) He won’t forget the first. The second pursued him, which means he didn’t do most of the work, which means he’s not all that invested in her, which means when he tires or romantic love fades, he will have more confidence to return to the first girl. No guarantee either way, but the pressures that bear naturally on a man tend to push him that way.

          2) His actions display devotion to her exclusively; he even tends to forget his job except to show up when expected. He wants to be with her for endless hours and can even forget sex or back off if she doesn’t approve of his inquiries.

          3) Don’t try to talk him into loving you. It doesn’t work even if you do capture and hold his interest for a short time.

          Give him things to dream about; don’t try to fulfill them. He needs to invest himself in the whole you, not sex or promises.

          Be unique from other gals; be the opposite of masculine. Don’t be loaded with opinions that you just have to unload on him.

          Be loaded with feminine mystique, female modesty, sincere heart, non-manipulative, monogamous in spirit, pleasant, mannerly, neat, cooperative, family oriented.

          Dodge, escape, and dispose of all feminist issues except as you agree with his opinions and positions.

          Refine your attractiveness. Attire attractively and neither exotically nor erotically. Dress to match what the Marrying Man wants to see by studying the series Boob Language.

          Tease lightly to dodge sex as subject or action; spicy but innocently and only for his eyes.

          Dodge full disclosure. Refuse to describe sexual history. Never talk about exes, whether husband, lover, or boyfriend or inquire about his past. Study the series Virtual Virginity to prepare to dodge his sexual history inquisition.

          Encourage him to talk about his accomplishments, not who he is but what he’s done. Use patience to show respect for who he is and gratefulness for what he’s done. Find the merits in his persona, and highlight them with your admiration.

          Promise nothing in the way of being a wife or his wife. The more he figures you out, the more believable you are as potential mate.

          There’s a lot more scattered throughout the blog that can help, but I’ve run out of steam at this time. More specific questions are welcome.

          Guy

          • Lilac

            Dear Sir Guy,

            Thank you very much for your long reply! I love the numbers too 🙂

            Thank you for your great summary for Q3!!! I went through the “WWNH University”. The posts are very helpful! Your posts are really “what women never hear”!!! I have not heard it from my family, my friends, media…
            I have just come to realize my femininity in the recent years. I used to have many misconceptions about dating, marriage, men, and I used to compete with men and did not have the word “respect” in my mind. Your blog has helped me a lot although I still have much to digest and a long way to go.

            “Give him things to dream about; don’t try to fulfill them. ” Can you elaborate? What are the “things”?

            Thank you again.

            Your Highness Lilac,

            • Fix yourself up a little prettier and appealing every time he sees you.

            • Give slight hints that you may be sexier than he thinks.

            • Hint that you have savings set aside for a rainy day.

            • Instead of cooking meals for him, fix up small things that are very tasty.

            • Just smile when he inquires about personal things.

            • Try to find humor in everyday life.

            • Please him unexpectedly. Very small gift for example, share a candy bar just for doing nothing.

            Guy

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s