Just a reminder: A woman’s primal need is for a brighter future. Consequently, the female nature focuses more on the future than the present. His primal drive is to compete with Nature, other men, and to shape human events. His primal need is for a place to flop, eat, and throw his things so he can recover them the next day to go fight the dragon. As a result, the male nature focuses on the present more than the future. Yet, both sexes are created to become highly compatible as mates.
That and many similar sex differences often become contradictions when two people get together with intention to mate. Success begins when leaders take charge of themselves before they take charge of others. The lady-author who writes below demonstrates how to take charge of herself and invite the man she would most like to recapture. She shapes and offers her future to invite him to shape their life together in the present. It’s a masterful stroke too, whether it works as intended or not.
At post 2305 I described the pleasant adventure I had with this lady-author and with whom I spent the day in Ohio. I learned much from her letter below. It warrants being published for all to read.
Her story. After several years of on-again, off-again relationship due to his being loved but unreliable and unsteady, when he asked for another chance, she said ‘no’. Now she opens another door for him to reconsider and perhaps recover. She wrote him the letter below.
The lady expects little or no success. She anticipates his not qualifying and having to settle for another man later. She describes her future and thereby gives ex-boyfriend first dibs to join her. That is, if he can re-qualify as potential mate within her plans, standards, and expectations. IOW, his way to recover in the short term depends on his success buying into her way for the long term. Preventive maintenance before a relationship even forms.
Note how well she discloses and confirms to herself just what she is and must have. The real value of the letter is in her attesting to her beliefs and affirming gratitude in herself. She gets more out of the letter for herself than he ever will.
I’ve made this point before. The lack of self-gratitude is the initiating cause of female unhappiness, but this lady shows no such lack. She has repaved her own road to happiness, whether she captures this man or another.
Here’s her letter. I made minor changes to protect her identity.
I trust that this finds you well. I’m doing very well – my time in the land of the brave and the home of the free is turning out to be quite interesting and I’m having a good time. [Guy adds: Letter was written while on business trip to the U.S.]
I intended for this email to be more succinct than lengthy but then I started writing and it took on a life of its own. I ask that you set aside some time to read and to internalise the content as I believe it will be well worth your time.
So I’ve been thinking about my hopes and dreams as regards my future and basically picturing how I would like and will, by God’s grace, plan my life to shape up within the next 10-15 years. As my friend I thought to share these thoughts with you.
I see myself as:
– Having a devoted, loyal, hardworking, reliable and emotionally/mentally stable and strong husband (in character and disposition) who is clearly identified reputationally and actually as the de-facto and de jure leader of our family unit.
– Having emotionally and mentally settled in my role as the woman of the house; CEO of my kitchen and home affairs. I obey, support and submit as second in command to my husband who is tasked with the overall Commander-In-Chief responsibilities outside the home. In light of this I see myself at rest because I know that his good head is well rested on his capable manly shoulders and I am safe to do my womanly business knowing full well that he’s handling his.
– Having a husband who is also at rest because he knows that he has the very best woman by his side. He knows that his vulnerability is treasured and protected. He knows that I will fight fiercely alongside him, rather than fight him, to guard our home. He is at rest because when he comes home after slaying the proverbial dragon out there in the cold harsh world, he comes to a place of rest and rejuvenation; a place where he can relax, have some peace of mind, enjoy a good meal and find a woman who is eager to cater to him in all the ways that a wife should.
– Having at least 1 child – strong, healthy, intelligent, curious, kind, thoughtful and well on the way to being capable of making his/her way in this miasma that is life.
– Having a vibrant church life with my little nuclear family as we try to figure out where we fit in to the larger Body of Christ.
– Having moved away from formal employment and possibly having set up my own independent _________ in something to do with ________ or possibly doing some ________. These projects bring some additional income into the home but my husband and I can do without them because we have consistently and carefully managed our finances and we are able to get by comfortably. I am able to focus on making the home the homely place that it should be and my husband is able to focus on whatever it is that men do to protect, provide, plan and to problem-solve.
– Having good friends – both singles and couples alike – who reinforce my relationship with God and with the members my family.
– Having taken my health seriously and looking better than I do now – healthy, happy and whole – even as I age.
– As definitely driving a _________________!
– My husband as doing meaningful gainful work for which he is passionate and which plays into his natural strengths and talents. He is active in the church and he is involved in furthering the Gospel in whichever ways that God permits him to.
– That I am very proud of my husband and I take great pleasure in being his wife and under his care and protection.
– That my husband and I read the bible and pray together, we have agreed and commit to pursue that we will not go to bed angry, we speak to each other kindly and we do not hit below the belt when we are upset. We actually like to spend time together and we are best friends – we make each other laugh, we travel together and we enjoy a simple happy life!
– My husband as having made deliberate, focused and successful efforts to unite both his and my side of the family such that we do not tolerate our in-laws but rather, as far as is possible, we are a family and we actively love one another.
– My husband is committed to understanding how my mind works and how important it is for me to have some degree of structure. He understands that he’s not my source of peace but seeks to meet me in a manner that makes sense to me. For example, he appreciates that timely feedback matters a great deal to me. He is aware that I will not fight him but at the same time he knows that when I feel like I’m pulling and pushing, tense and anxious then I am disinterested and disengaged.
– My husband is a man who keeps his word sooner rather than later, who is communicative and willing to express himself satisfactorily.
– My husband is a man who understands that hearts are not playthings and he understands that second chances at love are neither commonplace nor to be taken for granted.
– My husband has committed to understanding what love means to his wife and what intimacy means in the marriage relationship.
– My husband is a mate with whom I can grow deeper in my walk with God and our relationship is not akin to a hostage situation where I am safe only to the extent that I keep him at arm’s length or where I desperately need to cling to Christ simply because of pain.
This is by no means an easy task to execute but I think that if he’s keen to notice things as they happen, every man gets the wonderful opportunity to meet the girl for whom he is willing to undertake this arduous task of daily dying to self.
And in all this I wonder, does it excite you, as it does me, to imagine that if you play your cards right, this person could be you? 😉
I put the question to readers. Would the men or man you know be convinced that they or he should marry a woman who identified herself that way? You may recall that he wants to recover their relationship. Is it promising enough for a man to see what marriage should be like compared to what they see and feel in the modern world?
I ask readers to consider responding with their opinions.
- Would modern women and men respond favorably to such an initiative?
- How effective do you see it for preventive relationship maintenance?
The lady-author and I look forward to your feedback.