2306. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 57: Shape Her Future


Just a reminder: A woman’s primal need is for a brighter future. Consequently, the female nature focuses more on the future than the present. His primal drive is to compete with Nature, other men, and to shape human events. His primal need is for a place to flop, eat, and throw his things so he can recover them the next day to go fight the dragon. As a result, the male nature focuses on the present more than the future. Yet, both sexes are created to become highly compatible as mates.

That and many similar sex differences often become contradictions when two people get together with intention to mate. Success begins when leaders take charge of themselves before they take charge of others. The lady-author who writes below demonstrates how to take charge of herself and invite the man she would most like to recapture. She shapes and offers her future to invite him to shape their life together in the present. It’s a masterful stroke too, whether it works as intended or not.

At post 2305 I described the pleasant adventure I had with this lady-author and with whom I spent the day in Ohio. I learned much from her letter below. It warrants being published for all to read.

Her story. After several years of on-again, off-again relationship due to his being loved but unreliable and unsteady, when he asked for another chance, she said ‘no’. Now she opens another door for him to reconsider and perhaps recover. She wrote him the letter below.

The lady expects little or no success. She anticipates his not qualifying and having to settle for another man later. She describes her future and thereby gives ex-boyfriend first dibs to join her. That is, if he can re-qualify as potential mate within her plans, standards, and expectations. IOW, his way to recover in the short term depends on his success buying into her way for the long term. Preventive maintenance before a relationship even forms.

Note how well she discloses and confirms to herself just what she is and must have. The real value of the letter is in her attesting to her beliefs and affirming gratitude in herself. She gets more out of the letter for herself than he ever will.

I’ve made this point before. The lack of self-gratitude is the initiating cause of female unhappiness, but this lady shows no such lack. She has repaved her own road to happiness, whether she captures this man or another.

Here’s her letter. I made minor changes to protect her identity.

————

Hello!

I trust that this finds you well. I’m doing very well – my time in the land of the brave and the home of the free is turning out to be quite interesting and I’m having a good time. [Guy adds: Letter was written while on business trip to the U.S.]

I intended for this email to be more succinct than lengthy but then I started writing and it took on a life of its own. I ask that you set aside some time to read and to internalise the content as I believe it will be well worth your time.

So I’ve been thinking about my hopes and dreams as regards my future and basically picturing how I would like and will, by God’s grace, plan my life to shape up within the next 10-15 years. As my friend I thought to share these thoughts with you.

I see myself as:

– Having a devoted, loyal, hardworking, reliable and emotionally/mentally stable and strong husband (in character and disposition) who is clearly identified reputationally and actually as the de-facto and de jure leader of our family unit.

– Having emotionally and mentally settled in my role as the woman of the house; CEO of my kitchen and home affairs. I obey, support and submit as second in command to my husband who is tasked with the overall Commander-In-Chief responsibilities outside the home. In light of this I see myself at rest because I know that his good head is well rested on his capable manly shoulders and I am safe to do my womanly business knowing full well that he’s handling his.

– Having a husband who is also at rest because he knows that he has the very best woman by his side. He knows that his vulnerability is treasured and protected. He knows that I will fight fiercely alongside him, rather than fight him, to guard our home. He is at rest because when he comes home after slaying the proverbial dragon out there in the cold harsh world, he comes to a place of rest and rejuvenation; a place where he can relax, have some peace of mind, enjoy a good meal and find a woman who is eager to cater to him in all the ways that a wife should.

– Having at least 1 child – strong, healthy, intelligent, curious, kind, thoughtful and well on the way to being capable of making his/her way in this miasma that is life.

– Having a vibrant church life with my little nuclear family as we try to figure out where we fit in to the larger Body of Christ.

– Having moved away from formal employment and possibly having set up my own independent _________ in something to do with ________ or possibly doing some ________. These projects bring some additional income into the home but my husband and I can do without them because we have consistently and carefully managed our finances and we are able to get by comfortably. I am able to focus on making the home the homely place that it should be and my husband is able to focus on whatever it is that men do to protect, provide, plan and to problem-solve.

– Having good friends – both singles and couples alike – who reinforce my relationship with God and with the members my family.

– Having taken my health seriously and looking better than I do now – healthy, happy and whole – even as I age.

– As definitely driving a _________________!

I see:

– My husband as doing meaningful gainful work for which he is passionate and which plays into his natural strengths and talents. He is active in the church and he is involved in furthering the Gospel in whichever ways that God permits him to.

– That I am very proud of my husband and I take great pleasure in being his wife and under his care and protection.

– That my husband and I read the bible and pray together, we have agreed and commit to pursue that we will not go to bed angry, we speak to each other kindly and we do not hit below the belt when we are upset. We actually like to spend time together and we are best friends – we make each other laugh, we travel together and we enjoy a simple happy life!

– My husband as having made deliberate, focused and successful efforts to unite both his and my side of the family such that we do not tolerate our in-laws but rather, as far as is possible, we are a family and we actively love one another.

– My husband is committed to understanding how my mind works and how important it is for me to have some degree of structure. He understands that he’s not my source of peace but seeks to meet me in a manner that makes sense to me. For example, he appreciates that timely feedback matters a great deal to me. He is aware that I will not fight him but at the same time he knows that when I feel like I’m pulling and pushing, tense and anxious then I am disinterested and disengaged.

– My husband is a man who keeps his word sooner rather than later, who is communicative and willing to express himself satisfactorily.

– My husband is a man who understands that hearts are not playthings and he understands that second chances at love are neither commonplace nor to be taken for granted.

– My husband has committed to understanding what love means to his wife and what intimacy means in the marriage relationship.

– My husband is a mate with whom I can grow deeper in my walk with God and our relationship is not akin to a hostage situation where I am safe only to the extent that I keep him at arm’s length or where I desperately need to cling to Christ simply because of pain.

This is by no means an easy task to execute but I think that if he’s keen to notice things as they happen, every man gets the wonderful opportunity to meet the girl for whom he is willing to undertake this arduous task of daily dying to self.

And in all this I wonder, does it excite you, as it does me, to imagine that if you play your cards right, this person could be you? 😉

Sincerely,

————

I put the question to readers. Would the men or man you know be convinced that they or he should marry a woman who identified herself that way? You may recall that he wants to recover their relationship. Is it promising enough for a man to see what marriage should be like compared to what they see and feel in the modern world?

I ask readers to consider responding with their opinions.

  1. Would modern women and men respond favorably to such an initiative?
  2. How effective do you see it for preventive relationship maintenance?

The lady-author and I look forward to your feedback.

29 Comments

Filed under courtship, feminine, Home CEO, How she wins

29 responses to “2306. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 57: Shape Her Future

  1. Shermy

    I absolutely LOVE this! It is perfect and what I seek for myself. I will report that I was dating a suitable man who presented himself as someone seeking a similar kind of relationship, but when presented with my similarly outlined vision, decided after several dates that he was not the man who fit that bill. My finding is that this generation seems to have more women who are willing to adjust themselves to this type of arrangement than men who possess the leadership to undertake such a relationship. I’m finding that men DON’T want to step up to the plate and lead, they want their hands held and the responsibility shared equally.

    Your Highness Shermy,

    I have concluded pretty much the same thing. Only shame will shake men out of their hidden comfort in the branches of the female tree. You ladies have to start telling men what you think of their weak character and not what you think of their disruptive relationship behavior.

    Womanhood has to fight back. Don’t blame, shame them and drop them for the next gal.

    Guy

    • SouthernBelle

      I concur with Shermy having a similar experience after nearly a year long courtship where actions seemed to diverge from previous words and actions. He has not departed completely but at each return he is met with my same consistent stance on what is required to move forward in a relationship me. I find it so very interesting that he keeps reappearing and asking me to wait for better timing for him to be able to “give me what I deserve”( his words). While by no means have I put my life on hold, he does remain top of my list for a Mr Good Enough thus far.

      • Cinnamon

        Both you and Shermy seem to have mastered the art of hard-headedness (to be uncompromising but charming). Your stories are good illustrations of why Sir Guy recommends that a woman not date exclusively until the point of engagement (unless of course a potential Mr Goodenough goes a long way to convincing her she should do otherwise).

        • Shermy

          Thank you Cinnamon! Yes, it’s a great illustration of why dating a few men at once is a better strategy. Sadly, this was the most promising prospect so back to the drawing board again!

          • Cinnamon

            Shermy,

            Even if there are no prospects in the immediate vicinity, one easy way to “spin plates” in this fashion is to use online dating with a wide geographical range, if you would be open to relocation for Mr Goodenough.

            It would not be deemed unusual to chat for several weeks (or even a few months, depending on distance) with a marriage-minded man who lives far away. It would do wonders for your confidence and spirit, as well as help you to better discern exactly what type of behaviours rise to meet your standards and which ones fail, through comparison.

    • Shermy

      Hmmm, Sir Guy, would this situation lend itself to a different post?

      Your Highness Shermy,
      Please be more explicit and I’ll try. But what situation?
      Guy

    • Anita

      Mr. Guy!
      Can you please give an example of blaming and shaming? What is the difference?

      Thank you!

      Your Highness Anita,

      Shame: Cite to him weakness in his character. Examples: If you can lie that way, what happened to your integrity? If you don’t live up to someone bigger than yourself, such as God, you can’t earn a good wife because selfishness will either turn her away or push her away after marriage. If you can’t respect me enough to be on-time, your word isn’t that of a dependable, straight-forward, man of good intention. I judge men by their character so I know their words mean at least what I think I hear. It’s not who you think you are that impresses me; it’s what your actions represent what’s going on in your head and heart. Character develops in tough times; how tough have your times been; you know, the ones that shaped your integrity and conscience? From whom did you learn your ethical conduct? Your moral standards and expectations?

      Blame: Cite to him behaviors that you find offensive or intolerable. Examples: I have no use for men who embarrass me and don’t even know when they do it. If you can’t treat me like a lady, I’ll quit thinking of you as a good enough man to continue dating. You can’t convince me of your worth, when you don’t know what I value in a good man. A good man develops out of a man who tries harder to convince a woman of both his and her worth. If you don’t want to impress me with good manners and a high tone of attention, then why do I spend time with you? If you’re going to continue the endless pressure for sex, we can part company now.

      Guy

      • Shermy

        I think this was what I was looking for Sir Guy, thank you for clarifying the shame&blame. I’m not sure of the effectiveness of this given the seemingly endless stream of options men seem to have with women who require less of them.

        Your Highness Shermy,
        Very good point, sweetheart. When women require less, that’s exactly what they get and it’s unfriendly for all females.
        Guy

    • Magnolia

      Thanks for this, Sir Guy. Everyone should be held accountable. I appreciate that you encourage women here at WWNH to be accountable in everything that we do. They should hold men accountable for their actions, too. Drop them if they don’t live up to your standards, ladies. You snooze, you lose. Know what I mean? Only then will they improve. Graham R. White has a page on Facebook called “What Evolved Women Want.” He always says that until a woman whom he loved held him accountable and left him for always having excuses and more excuses, he didn’t grow up. He encourages women to do the same. The ladies of WWNH are some of the best women in the world and they shouldn’t settle. As Sir Guy said in Female Blessings at Birth about us: “I am good for just about any man, but very few men are good enough for me.”

      And to Miss A. Girl Maligned: Bravo! Good for you for not settling. Your future is bright, bright, bright if you follow your heart and don’t move from those standards. If this man doesn’t step up, some other lucky guy will. And you are young, you have time to search for Mr. Good Enough. Best wishes. ❤

  2. prettybeans

    Sir Guy,
    I love a good fight!
    It would appear to me that this girl most certainly does not want to be maligned 😉

    Your Highness Prettybeans,

    You’ve given me a good idea. Change her name and introduce her to readers. See my next comment.

    Guy

  3. Mia

    Wow, Sir Guy, I admire this lady’s chuzpa. What immediately shines through from what she writes is first of all her intelligence and then her hardheadedness, knowledge of herself and willingness to employ shock and awe. I can only respond to your first question of how modern people will respond. I think the first reaction would be amazement and confusion and later on respect for standing her ground. Am pretty sure that’s the reaction she will get from this man. I expect him to pull back first in order to process what she has written. (Is he still unsteady?) However if he’s really into her, this won’t be a deterrent in the long run– much the opposite. If nothing else, she wins his respect.

    In any case, way to go! She should be proud of herself.

  4. A.GuyMaligned

    Ladies,

    I hereby designate the lady-author of the letter above as Miss A. Girl Maligned. She recovered from saying No to her unreliable and unsteady boyfriend whom she continues to love. Then she gives him another chance to recover under her terms, standards, and expectations. By raising the stakes, she teaches all of us how we can do better if we keep trying.

    I ask her to ID herself by that new screen name, thus preserving even her former anonymity, but enabling the rest of us to make dialogue directly with her.

    Okay, Miss A. Girl Maligned. The next step is up to you. We’d like you to keep us informed as to the results you achieve and more if you care to share.

    Guy

  5. Eric

    I’m going to give a more qualified answer here. I would certainly give her chance—the problem is that many single women SAY these things, but few actually DO them. In my experience, the majority of women would agree mostly with what was said here—and then ‘friendzone’ every man they met who was like it. Then, they’d choose a relationship with a male who was the exact opposite.

    As for her current situation, men who are unreliable and unsteady aren’t likely to change. In light of the observations above, she’s going to have to be patient with newcomers, because they’ll likely be skeptical and cautious until they’re certain that she means what she says.

    • Shermy

      Yes, Eric I would agree that a ton of women don’t stand by what they say with actions, but then the problem becomes that those women begin to stand for us all just like if a woman has bad luck with one guy she has the false belief that their all the same. Catch-22!

    • Dove

      Agree with sir Eric.

      But anyway, to miss a.girlmaligned, did your ex ask you what he needed to do to get back into your good graces?

    • prettybeans

      Sir Eric,
      I always look forward to your very well thought out comments. The friend zone appears to be the place where no man wants to go (including yourself) but I’m of the view that that’s exactly the pool from which a lady should choose a suitor who will go the distance. Even if/where love at first sight is experienced by a man, most sensible single ladies would want to know a little more – maybe age and maturity informs this rather than simply getting caught up in the heat of the moment – and hence a friendship develops.

      Also, I don’t think that any woman is obliged to agree to the proposal/proposition of a man who fits this bill as established in the letter described above – for example where there is no attraction – so perhaps in such a case the lesson to learn would be in how to let someone down respectfully but firmly. Feelings will be hurt and yes there will be disappointment but the risk, if carefully evaluated, is certainly worth taking.

      Further, I’m of the view that people DO change but I will qualify this by referring to what I prescribe to as the reason for all life – only in and through the power of the Lord Jesus Christ rather than force of will which expires with time.
      I personally am a different lady now than I was before I came to Christ sometime early last year and though I’m not where I want to be, I’m certainly not where I used to be. I do not know the heart of the man to whom this letter is addressed and therefore cannot purport to deny this same grace to a man who has also began the process of transformation; determining its authenticity is the kicker though, yes?

  6. MLaRowe

    For this precise moment in time my thoughts about a relationship are that sometimes the best thing to do is not to “do” anything at all.

    Did this fellow ask what her requirements were if they were to continue a relationship? This letter seems a bit too in-your-face if he did not ask how to qualify as the man in her life.

    The value in the letter seems to me to be that it helps her clarify in her own mind what she is looking for.

    Still, it’s not something that I personally would tell a friend of mine to actually hit the send button on.

    When I look back on my life I always wanted to “do” something, take some sort of action to get things moving along yet so many times I should have just taken a deep breath and gotten along with just making my life what it needed to be.

    It is hard to be in a relationship holding pattern but can such an email promote devotion?

  7. A.GuyMaligned

    NOTE: Due to technical problems at her end, I have to post the comment of A.GirlMaligned for her. It follows as she wrote it:

    @MLaRowe – Yes it was forward and brazen and completely in-your-face exactly as I intended it to be. Within the confines of reasonability, I’m not too concerned about his comfort. He came into my life after almost 15-months since we broke up, he apologised and took specific responsibility for a number of things and he indicated his desire to court me with a view to marriage.

    I have conducted some preliminary investigations and gotten the impression that he’s generally working steadily towards sustainable transformation – serious involvement in his church, overhaul of friends, new focus at work etc and that is the only reason why I would consider going forward, never backwards, with this man.

    I was simply letting it be known what it is I’m working towards and letting him figure out for himself whether he’s interested in my plan and to working out at a personal level what he needs to do to achieve it. Should he opt out, my plan remains intact and completely undisturbed

    @Eric – Your observation may be valid for others but it does not apply to me as I am responsible only for me and my conduct

    @Cinnamon – thank you

    @Prettybeans – yes people do change. Not many and not too often but yes they do.

    • Eric

      A Girl Maligned:
      It maybe so; but most men are probably not assuming any difference. Modern women have set the courtship terms to where they prove to a man first that they’re ‘not like all the others.’

      Sir Eric,

      It used to be that men sought to marry the unique from among the wanted. Now, men have only the unwanted out of which to isolate a unique one to marry. Fair assessment?

      You mentioned another article. Would this be a suitable subject? Why women are unwanted for marriage.

      Guy

      • That Horse Is Dead

        Sir Guy,

        I would like to see an article about this and how it fits with today’s post, “No Hymen, No Diamond.” One train of thought is that [good] men have only unwanted out of which to isolate a unique one to marry; the other side of the coin is that the “unwanted” include the chaste single women “sitting on the bench getting no action” which the good men don’t have enough “aim and persistence” (i.e. staying power) to pursue because of all the low quality, easy-access-sex. Am I confused about this?

        Your Highness That Horse Is Dead,
        I don’t see that you’re confused. You seem to mention the same thing said two ways, which, unfortunately, describes the current state of social interaction that has virtually stopped dating. Perhaps you can offer more depth or inquire from a different direction.
        Guy

      • Eric

        Sir Guy:
        That would probably be a fair assessment.

        That sounds like a good article topic: I’ll work it on it soon!

        Sir Eric,
        Looking forward to your inputs.
        Guy

        • That Horse Is Dead

          I am as well. I would like to know from a male perspective what CSW are to do considering Sir Eric’s point that even women who say all the right things go after the jerkboys. So, a good man is less likely to trust a true CSW when he sees her and continues to either be misled or distracted by all the low-lying fruit. What is a CSW to do? I’m beginning to wonder if her best option is to go for someone 10+ years her senior. It seems men of all ages want the younger woman.

    • gonemaverick

      A. Girl Maligned hi,

      “Within the confines of reasonability, I’m not too concerned about his comfort.”

      i think i like you.

  8. surfercajun

    ( I mean this in the utmost respect)

    Careful, Miss Maligned.

    It is a high honor to be chosen by Sir Guy. However, that comment given that was thrown from the hip to Gentleman Eric falls into what men call NAWALT (not all women are like that) which they that know is full of bs. I don’t think he meant for you to feel attacked by what he said, but hope ( I feel) you understand (which I am sure you do) he is only going by HIS experience dealing with single women and HOW they act contrary to what they SAY. Sadly, I have seen this many times from single as well as married woman paying “LIP SERVICE” and it feels like a lie when you heard other wise. 😦 Perhaps you could tell us a little about yourself where we could feel a comfortable connection to you? It would help us. Some of the ladies have been here for years.

    Also, I feel some tension here as a new guard is put into place. ( but could be totally wrong though.)

    I do wish you the best in starting as I am certain we will have (hopefully) some more spirited debates (miss those!)

    I for one would REALLY like to read another article by Gentleman Eric. Right, ladies??? He has added so much here to what Sir Guy says and it is refreshing having him and other males here as well. 🙂 There is still so much to learn! (but that’s one gal’s opinion) ((blush))

    • Eric

      Miss Surfercajun:
      Thanks for the positive feedback. I’d be happy to do another (with Sir Guy’s approval) if there was a suitable topic.

  9. surfercajun

    This sounds very “pretty” and all. however , life does not always work that way there is no meation of in laws. I would encourge the married ladies to chime in. Some of her views seem unrealistic. Where are his? Sorry if i sound like a downer…..but to me this sounds like a one side pipe dream. Like one man joked, there are 3 rings. Engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering 🙂

  10. Southernbelle

    Sir

    What are your thoughts on prenup contracts? I know most women are opposed citing a lack of love and trust is the motivation. But I disagree I think it’s a deterrent if he should think about straying or quitting. The consequences should be severe to deter him from his nature. If she chooses to stray or quit she loses financial stability also a deterrent for her. It seems to me this is in the best interest of the marriage, not him or her individually. With no fault divorces now a prenup seems prudent. I anxiously await your insight.

    Your Highness Southernbelle,
    To prepare in case of failure is to plan for it. Sooner or later one side or the other will see advantage or inequality in the plan and it will shape their thinking contrary to preservation to their marriage. Not necessarily that they will split, but pressures build easily when one feels deprived or sees an advantage.
    Guy

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