2320. Feelings Follow Actions


How we act differently reshapes our feelings. New or different actions program the heart and subconscious mind with new or different feelings, which affect subsequent actions and feelings. The sexes, however, are born differently for dealing with it.

In the normal course of everyday events, women’s actions follow their feelings. They easily express feelings both in words and actions. More outgoing than men, they believe and hope to be better understood when others know them well, better, or just how they feel about things. It adds to their self-importance to believe others understand them well. Consequently, when women take up new and different actions, their feelings change accordingly. It makes women more susceptible and receptive to change whereas men are not and are naturally the opposite.

Contrary to the female sex, men let their actions disclose who they are and what they are good for. Humans are emotional decision makers, but men primarily keep their feelings and motivations hidden for good and natural reasons. Their own emotions interfere with their natural proclivity to seek logic and reason to overrule female emotionalism. IOW, it’s also a part of male dominance.

Other natural reasons exist to justify keeping a man’s feelings private.

1) In the world of natural masculine competition, if one’s competitor knows the emotional connections behind one’s objectives and what prompts their decisions, the ‘enemy’ has the advantage of being able to use it. This natural protective technique keeps men from being expressive about their feelings to women. Reluctance flows from instinct: a) It may be used against them. b) In a woman’s eyes he may be found wanting, because feelings to men are not as ‘legitimate’ as their actions. c) Women are quick to criticize. (However ‘constructive’ they try to make it, to men it’s still criticism because men have to believe they know better. Again, it’s part of male dominance.)

2) Men measure their worth by accomplishments. They expect their actions to speak for them. They don’t have much respect for those who question their feelings and therefore actions and therefore self-worth. OTOH, females measure their worth by their sense of importance to others. Also, women who lack a good knowledge of male nature tend to measure men by female standards, which men resist and resent.

3 )Men seek not to explain or disclose their emotions. They focus their interest and effort onto external rather than internal matters. Whatever they do feel is normal is just the way they are. It’s a naturally accepted premise that flows out of measuring their worth through accomplishments and not through associations with others.

4) Men believe and act to keep their feelings under wraps except as needed to enlarge their persona for the moment. If supreme calmness, frustration, or anger is appropriate to accomplish their objective, they may show it.

New and different actions reshape one’s feelings. Women much more easily than men allow such reshaping of their feelings. However, men usually and purposely hide any such reshaping even if they do change. Men just don’t want their true and complete feelings revealed; it’s goes against instinct.

13 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, sex differences

13 responses to “2320. Feelings Follow Actions

  1. surfercajun

    *claps violently* EXCELLENT… EXCELLENT!

  2. surfercajun

    (MEN) don’t have much respect for those who question their feelings and therefore actions and therefore self-worth. …..women who lack a good knowledge of male nature tend to measure men by female standards, which men resist and resent.

    Kinda like this???
    (paraphrasing cause I could not find it)

    Well, your validation may be for some women but not me ~Miss Alinged

  3. Madeline

    What a truly inspiring blog this is. Well done Sir Guy! The expression of your writing demonstrates such insightful sensibility of the male and female genders. Undoubtedly you have helped many women with your guidance.

    I am newly married and very much enjoying married life. It is far better than I expected it to be! Of course he is not yet Mr Right, but he is certainly Mr Good Enough so far.

    May I ask you a question? Whenever husband pays using his credit card he tries to subtly hide the keypad so he doesn’t reveal his security number to anyone, including me. When in his company in such a circumstance I will turn away from the keypad so I don’t create an awkward situation. However once, I was inadvertently looking at the keypad and so he smiled and covered the keypad in front of me. Should I be concerned about this? Is this an example of male nature or something more sinister?

    Grateful for your time,
    Maddy

    Your Highness Maddy,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Not to worry about the card. It’s obviously a habit of his and you just got in the line of his protection and he reacted habitually before he thought.

    If it happens again, it’s a red flag and you should become more observant—but not suspicious—of other financial matters.

    Guy

    • surfercajun

      I guess I should feel lucky… I know my ss# AND his. Of course most of it in the past has been about insurance and because he did not want to deal with it and had very little patience…. so I tired of looking it up so memorized it. I wonder if he would have been so trusting early in marriage though..??? I am trusted with allot of finance and I tend to forget that (with men) it does take time for that trust to develop.

      I am wondering, Maddy if you even know what he makes? Again, I was fortune to know this early in marriage… it did help me work with what we could, could not have, and have to wait for…but again, every man is different. With each new each new job he took he always shared what new income he was making. I remember one time replying, ” Whatever you make, I can work with it.” It helped me KNOW there was a limit…. One man (dear friend of the family) told me he was impressed with what I said. To tell the truth, I never much thought about it. It just seemed like the right thing to say. (?)

      My dad trusted my mom so I guess I the same might happen after a time…. (again, each man is different) He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: I think that might apply here.

      I would advise, Maddy for the ss# to give it time… show you are trustworthy 🙂 (( I never worried nor fretted about it ))

      • Maddy

        Hi Surfercajun
        Thank you, fortunately I do know what he makes. It is comparable to my earnings. We both come from similar family backgrounds with regard to education, social networks and have been blessed with families who have set excellent examples for us to aspire to. However, relationship wise we have not known each other that long – we dated for 2 years, married a few months ago and did not live with each other prior to marriage so I think you are right in that I should just give it time.

        I do observe that his family enjoys a very comfortable lifestyle which I feel is a life goal of his to match. I think one aspect of my suitability for him is that we come from equal financial, social and educational privilege, and are therefore very “well-matched”. I am thankful that I also love him above all others and he does not focus on these aspects as the primary likable factors about me. (I’m not upset or offended that my “earning capability” must have been a contributory factor in his “choosing” me)

        *BUT* what I also notice about his family (his sisters and his brothers) that their children, whilst lovely in their natures and personality, feel very “entitled” to all the best things in life – clothes, cars, birthday parties etc.

        My parents are considered somewhat wealthy too but I don’t come from a similar upbringing to my sister-in-law’s families. No extravagant birthday parties or gifts and always required to work for everything we wanted. I want to raise our future children in this way. To live in a modest house and not to necessarily reveal to others that we are very comfortable in our finances. I would like our children to be grateful for what they have because nothing has been handed to them on a plate. I feel that in this way they will better handle any external disappointments life and once I pass from this earth (morbid, sorry) they will won’t be lost because their parents provided everything and solved every life problem for them.

        I would be keen to hear yours *and also Sir Guy’s* thoughts on this if you have time.

        Maddy

        Your Highness Maddy,

        Sweetheart, you’ve identified a possible problem, know the solution of choice, and have dedicated yourself to producing out of life what you expect. That’s immense maturity. NOW, stick by your guns, insist on your way with your kids, have patience to let hubby adjust on his own, and you’ll find your feminine-by-the-heart influence will eventually convert Mr. GoodEnough into Mr. Right. You’ll also raise better kids.

        IOW, wahoo, you know what you do. Don’t abandon your ideals just to have a man.

        Guy

        • surfercajun

          Hey Maddy!

          I don’t know what I could add to what you have already said. It would seem you have this pretty well handled. (I wish I was as you, so wise being young married) :o)

          As what you were saying about not wanting others to see how comfortable you are, one man shared with me that he wanted to be: Was to not be rich, but comfortable. At the time it cause me to think very hard about what I wanted for my future, our kids future. (he spoke 6 languages and his wife 8…he often spoke to me of his home in Prague.)

          I did not have allot growing up as well. What I had was precious to me but what to kids really need now days growing up? Hearing that kids have their own iphones seems troubling to me…but I guess I am a bit old fashion as the only ones that have cell phones in the family are hubby, me and daughter which she pays for her own. We trade out our phones and share them among the kids. That way they get use to using one.

          Glad to help. I can only go by my experience as I am sure there are others that have better experience than me! But thank you so much for asking! :o)

          • Maddy

            Hi Surfercajun
            Thank you, sounds like you have handled raising your kids very well.
            Can you tell me some of the difficulties you may have had and how you resolved them?
            Maddy

        • Maddy

          Dear Sir Guy,

          Thank you. And thank you for your compliments. However, I shall exposure my immaturity by saying this:

          I’m concerned that our children will favour their dad (a “Daddy’s little girl” situation perhaps, should we have a daughter etc) and because of this I will feel less valued by my kids and therefore not as “successful” as a parent as viewed by his family.

          I do recognise that over the long term, children better respect a parent who has “standards” so could I ask your thoughts on these questions:

          1) How to find the strength to “ride through” this period – possibly it will last until kids reach maturity/adulthood? I believe children respond to reasonable discipline and boundaries but their natures may resist it at first. I have also observed that children can inadvertently play their mother and father against each other “e.g. but Dad said I could have it!”.

          2) How to gently convert husband to seeing my perspective on raising children when his only examples are his brother’s way of fathering (spoiling his children and always wanting to be the favoured parent). How do I convince my husband of the long term benefits of being solidly united in our parenting of kids?

          Fortunately husband has on quite a few occasions commented that his nephews are spoiled and he disagrees with how they receive such lavish gifts but his personality is very gentle on matters of the heart and I predict as a parent himself he is very likely to be similar to his brothers (a “pushover” :))

          Could you give me some examples and “hypotheticals” to help relieve my concerns and examples I can action when the time comes?

          Thank you again,
          Maddy

          Your Highness Maddy,

          Numbers correspond to yours above.

          2) Converting husband/father to your way of thinking will be your biggest challenge. I’ve forgotten if you’ve married yet. Regardless, before children arrive. Sit him down, stand over top, and lecture him on this point. NO CHILD WILL EVER SEE HIS PARENTS DISAGREE ON ANY POINT HOWEVER MAJOR OR MINOR. PERIOD. IF IT EVER HAPPENS, I WILL START PACKING YOUR BAGS. END OF DISCUSSION.

          Let him know how vital it is to YOU and the upbringing of your kids. It’s the rule that also keeps children from playing parents against one another. When mom renders all behavior decisions without dad’s involvement, there’s no use going to dad. If dad gets directly involved except to back you, it weakens your cred.

          You should be the sole authority figure that guides the children’s behavior. He serves as backup for your authority and guides children on matters that don’t interfere with your teachings, such as morality tales, biblical teachings, teamwork principles.

          Mom can only be a benevolent dictator when backed by her husband without exception, who just happens to also be the father.

          In the meantime, study blog articles with chain of command and rank structure inside. Such as #1976.

          1) As a mother, you have all the internal strength you need. Trust yourself.

          If you prepare, the “ride through” will be comfortable. How to prepare? Train yourself to coach their father and raise good kids. How? Follow your heart. In the meantime, condition your thinking with articles such as these in CONTENT at top of Home page:

          • Boot Camp for Girls

          • All with Mom and Mother in the title

          Teach hubby and trust yourself that your husband comes first but as father he comes second to you. Teach kids the difference and they will follow your leadership with few problems.

          Strategically, here’s a short version of a five-phase model of childhood.

          • Infant = Until conscious mind opens in third year. Shower with love and a quiet and undisturbed life.

          • Toddler = Conscious mind opens whenever child recognizes they too are a person. Start immediately to respect them as a person. Later, they identify as boy or girl and also respect them as such. Toddlerhood lasts until first grade, and respect, nurturing, and allowing self-development work best. As each child seeks to self-develop, boys expect no assistance, girls do expect help.

          • Tween = First grade until onset of puberty. Nurture girls but not boys. Focus on leading by example as mature adults. Don’t try to raise good kids; they become poor adults. Try to aim them at becoming good adults.

          • Teens = Puberty to age 18. Coaching is best. They think they are adults and should be respected as such but treat them as unqualified rather than immature.

          • Super-teen = Until age 21. It’s the final stage of abandoning adolescence. Coaching should continue but only as sought.

          Perhaps the model will help guide your thinking.

          Guy

          • Maddy

            Dear Sir Guy

            Wow! Thank you for this! And thank you for the 4 new articles you have just posted regarding raising children. I look forward to reading it carefully.

            With thanks
            Maddy

  4. Madeline

    Dear Sir Guy

    Could I ask of you another question? I’m having trouble reconciling the following:

    Demonstrating independence before marriage then dependence after marriage.

    Surely husband married me for the qualities I demonstrated whilst we were dating. That is, independence and his awareness that I don’t “need” him, that I am uniquely “hard to get”? I wonder if changing to become dependent on him would be considered as me changing from who he thought he married? Wouldn’t husband want to be married to a woman who is the envy of other men because she is, amongst other things, independent and capable?

    In another post you write: “Wife applies other pressures that work against her. In most of her homelife efforts, she seeks to bring them closer together. He senses pressure to be more responsible, which nudges him away from it.”

    How is pressure to be more responsible different to dependence? It is the fact that he feels pressure? Does being capable but willing to accept his help falls within the definition of dependence without pressure? Surely this is not “true” dependence though – but can husband recognise the difference?

    Thank you again,
    Maddy

    Your Highness Maddy,

    You say, “I wonder if changing to become dependent on him would be considered as me changing from who he thought he married?”

    Good question. Let this guide you. Don’t drop your independence until it impacts him in such a way that he feels pressure or resents or resists. He wants you independent so you don’t burden him in new or unexpected ways. Let your dependence develop as new but mutual pressures come up. Seek his guidance first even if you can handle new pressures. In that way you can figure out what works and what freedom you have and don’t have.

    You ask, “Wouldn’t husband want to be married to a woman who is the envy of other men because she is, amongst other things, independent and capable?”

    Yes, as long as also symbolic of his being the head of the home and relationship.

    You ask, “How is pressure to be more responsible different to dependence?”

    Dependence is the absence of pressure on husband. Your independence doesn’t cause pressure until you expect more out of him than he’s used to. Wife’s dependence in marriage means that she handles everything that makes her and him look good to each other until she can’t handle it or it makes him look bad. Then she turns to him for opinion, guidance, or help. So much the better if he relieves her pressure without sensing pressure on him or feeling that she’s trying to tell him how to run his ship.

    You ask, “Does being capable but willing to accept his help fall within the definition of dependence without pressure? Surely this is not “true” dependence though – but can husband recognise the difference?”

    Recognize what difference? It sounds like you’re recruiting him to help you without adding pressure to him, which to me means you’re trying to get him to work more closely with you. That’s what good wifeing is all about, isn’t it? You work to pull yourselves closer together without adding unappealing or unwanted pressures on him.

    Keep this thought in mind. If you allow him to rule the roost according to his rules, you can manage the pressures gently and patiently until you rule the rooster. The first part signifies your dependence. The second part comes from your independent and highly female ability to read and relieve pressures on both of you so effectively that it comes across as you depend on him. Patience and female understanding crown such an effort.

    Finally, Maddy darling, trust your heart that you will know what to do when pressures arise. Just don’t generate but be the one relieving the pressures.

    Guy

    • Cinnamon

      Great questions, Maddy. Sir Guy has discussed this subject in the comments before, but I think it has a degree of subtlety and complexity that would merit a separate article from him perhaps called “Dependence after Marriage (what it is, and what it isn’t).”

      I must admit I still get confused about the points you raise, even as a long-term student of WWNH.

      • Maddy

        Hi Cinnamon
        Thank you, I think I shall approach the matter with a mindset of balancing my pre-marriage independence with showing him my vulnerability as a woman (which I do not consider as weakness, but as difference).
        Warmest regards,
        Maddy

    • Maddy

      Thank you Sir, I will trust my heart. Your advice is very much appreciated.

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