2332. Suggestions for Raising Children — Part VI


Tactical Parenting: Guidance

It’s the wife and not the mother who keeps the father living in their home.

Mothers instinctively know what’s best for those they birth. Fathers don’t. So why press them into service so easily resented by men, which pressures them against their interest to always show competence? (Women have many excuses and reasons, but are they worth the end result—abandonment so often?)

Why add the pressure of masculine incompetency caring for infants and toddlers to everyday marital pressures? Men have little intuitive much less instinctive skill for caring for small children.

Men are enabled to shine later, however. They emerge as leaders when kids reach relative independence as tweens. Before that, men can only look like poor substitutes for mother, which makes them play second fiddle, which turns them against paying the allegiance to mother and child that mothers expect, which turns wife against husband, which tends to strain marital bonding, which weakens compatibility, which turns husband to look for a more complimentary relationship elsewhere.

Men marry their wives for who they are rather than the mothers their wives can, will, or do become. When mother-role supersedes wife-role as queen bee, it undermines husband’s kingly rank because wife bows to motherly pressures instead of tending first to wifely duties.

So, that which follows is mostly addressed to mothers. If they try to make, shame, or force their husbands to perform the same way described later in this series, they add pressures that tend to separate wife from husband. Motherly excuses about equal duty or her work overload don’t change the male nature. Men are much better fathers when they do it voluntarily, especially with infants and toddlers.

Motherly encouragement of infants and toddlers follows next.

6 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she loses, marriage, sex differences

6 responses to “2332. Suggestions for Raising Children — Part VI

  1. surfercajun

    I never expected this *performance* from my spouse. Sometimes getting the little guy for me to feed was a bigger deal to me or IF he wanted to change their diaper (especially when I was cooking dinner), or burp them after feeding. ( I always told him he was a an excellent burper!)

    It was always the small things in which he did that I was appreciative of him doing. I could always *ask* but rarely did….

    Something I read in my FW book placed this in a wonderful thought most women never conclude. The author states that yes it was hard work taking care of young toddlers, infants and other young ones. But at one point, our work will stop. Our husbands, however, never stop. They continue to work even after the children have grown, moved out, and married. I believe it is something in which we wives should remember. I even think there is a story somewhere I read in which this magical bridle was placed on a horse and he *worked* for the princess of the land. The thought was the horse aka man works hard until he dies for his mate. The princess was very unappreciative of it. Does anyone know this story? I found it so sad.

  2. Sarina

    That’s why feminism is such a disaster: being expected to be a wife, mother, but also keeping a career. I think it’s a huge stress and pressure to be an accomplished woman nowadays, to be great at all these roles, no wonder women are emotionally unstable and have a resentful attitude that drives husbands away. The mistress welcomes him with a smile, looking seductive, giving him attention because she’s not stressed and worried like the wife.

  3. Sir Guy,
    I was wondering if you’d be willing to answer some questions on this topic?
    1. In our house the childcare is my responsibility (she’s 1 year old by the way). He helps if and when he wants to. I told him if he ever wants to do more with the baby to let me know because I don’t want to “hog” her. He replied that he feels lucky that I love to take care of her so he doesn’t have to. So it works great for us when we are alone. The problem is some of our family seems to think I am doing him a disservice by not making him take care of her. For example, if he is playing with her and she starts crying they think that I should leave them alone and let him figure it out instead of going to soothe the baby. I’ve also been told that breastfeeding is a disservice to the dad because then he can’t help feed. How do you suggest responding to people who think dad should also play mom?

    2. I know you say wife elevating kids over husband is bad bad bad. But what about the converse situation: husband elevating kids over wife? Is this also a problem or should wife just be grateful husband loves the kids so much?
    Before baby, my husband always used to come home looking forward to his welcome home kiss (from me) as soon as he walked through the door. But now he comes home and runs to see the baby, barely acknowledging me even if I’m waiting at the door. It’s adorable he loves our baby so much and this one thing by itself is not a big deal, but I wonder if it’s a red flag for what’s to come in the future.

    Your Highness Anonymous,

    Your computer didn’t foul up; this ended up in my spam file and I just discovered it.

    DISREGARD WHAT OTHERS SAY. NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS IF THEY HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER BUT UNASKED FOR ADVICE. IT AIN’T THEIR LIFE. PERIOD. THEY DON’T KNOW BETTER THAN MOM AND DAD. THEY ARE JUST SPREADING FEMINIST AND POP CULTURE CRAP.

    Husband’s relationship with baby is FAR LESS IMPORTANT than his relationship with you (unless he mistreats either, of course). You keep doing the child care and teach hubby how he has to support and back you up when the need for discipline arises much later from now.

    He has adored you from day one and now seems to take you for granted because of his excitement over baby. That’s a great sign, unless loss of adoration declines for other reasons. When he gets comfortable with new infant, he will calm down and return to his normal routine of loving you as before. Relax, you married a good man for starters and you’re seeing his devotion develop for someone else. Don’t let it shake your conviction about the stable life you’ve formed over several years.

    Guy

    P.S. Men have virtually no interest in childcare, lack intuition and instinct of what to do, dodge it when practical, and it takes time to learn what they do learn. When child cries, relieve hubby to do what he does better. It helps infant develop higher self-esteem.

    G.

    • anonymous

      Sir Guy,

      “They are just spreading feminist and pop culture crap” hahaha I love it! Men are never more handsome than when they have just the right answer for a lady.
      I forgot that a husband sometimes takes his wife for granted and that’s okay. The price we pay for lifetime commitment.

      I’m so glad to hear you agree to relieve hubby when baby cries. That’s always been my instinct but it’s so frowned upon these days that I started doubting myself.

  4. anonymous

    Sir Guy,
    I tried to comment earlier and I think my computer messed up so hopefully this doesn’t show up twice….I know you say wife elevating children over husband is bad bad bad. But what about the converse situation: husband elevating children over wife? Should wife just be grateful he loves their kids so much?
    My husband used to come home from work looking forward to his welcome home kiss from me as soon as he walked through the door. But since our baby was born he runs right passed me to get to our baby, even if I’m waiting at the door. It’s adorable that he loves our baby so much and this by itself isn’t a huge deal, but I wonder if it’s a red flag for what’s to come. What do you think?

    Your Highness Anonymous,

    You and I have exchanged thoughts for many years. I imagine that you’ve told hubby that the most admirable people in life are those who love and appreciate kids. Right? Well, he has always paid heavy attention to all that you say; I recall he also loved you at first sight or nearly so.

    This natural principle about men also applies: A man won’t change to get what he wants, but he will change to keep what he has. New baby, new habit. Congratulations.

    Guy

    • anonymous

      Thank you! She is actually a year old now (our second wedding anniversary is in a few weeks!) When I found this blog hubby and I were not even dating. The work you do here is pure gold. I remember back when I was in college I would get up every morning and read your new post. It kept me in line while everyone around me was having casual sex.

      “A man won’t change to get what he wants, but he will change to keep what he has.”
      That’s a new one I haven’t heard before. My learning is never done here and I love it that way 🙂

      Your Highness Anonymous,
      I remember. You close by and I from afar watched hubby’s devotion grow both before and during your dating years. It still amazes me how so many women listen to what other women say and do instead of following their own heart — their instinct, intuition, and personal conclusions about life with a man.
      Guy

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