2336. Suggestions for Raising Children — Part X


Tactical Parenting: Encouraging Teens and Super-teens

Teens: As described earlier in the series, it works best to nurture toddlers and lead tweens. After that, from start up of puberty to age 18, coaching works best.

This part applies to both sexes but mostly about boys and exclusive of sex. Part XI will continue next and primarily aim at girls and sex.

The nature of children late in upbringing is pretty simple. They think they are adult-equivalents capable of logical and well-reasoned decisions. We call what we see as immaturity, but they can’t admit it.

Because they resist parental influence in favor of peer approval, the best way to handle them is trust them as mature as possible within parental limits. Of course it’s risky, but parental pressure for them to change is even more risky. In their minds, they are fully developed as they emerge puberty. Their sense of self-development ends there; they have ‘arrived’ and know how to live their lives.

I only have a few suggestions, because I don’t examine how teens act today but the way they are born alike.

  1. The essence of coaching is leading by example, hinting at options, and attracting the admiration of those being coached.
  2. Don’t try to nurture teens, especially boys. They take it as being treated as infants. Girls can use some nurturing after being traumatized.
  3. In the teen psyche, directions to do this and do that are not far removed from nurturing.
  4. Teens are convinced they are equivalent of adults but not as endowed as they deserve with the things they need: e.g., money, influence, people to listen, and endorsement that they do right. If not available from parents, they reach for it from peers.
  5. Out of the certainty that they are right and deserve better just for who they are springs their breadth of aspirations and intensity of ambitions. It can easily take them into destructive behaviors, as determined by the governing control of their self-image and self-like developed since their third year in life.
  6. Respect for parents—developed earlier in childhood—has the greatest influence on guiding teen ambitions toward mature and adult-like objectives. Lack of both respect and desire to please parents opens opportunity for immature and destructive behavior. But you know all that, and parents discover it after it’s too late. They didn’t pay the price to have a good teen. They didn’t inculcate mutual respect throughout the family and help the child develop a healthy self-image beginning in toddlerhood.
  7. Teens can’t face their immaturity because it makes them feel bad. WADWMUFGAO and so teens experiment to feel and like themselves better. It’s the root of 1) reaching for immediate gratification in and often overdoing sex, crime, violence, and drugs. 2) Finding inability to feel good and reaching to end one’s life.

Coaching displays trust and respect that uplifts them in such ways that they pay attention to coaches—as long as boys don’t have to acknowledge that’s what they’re doing, especially to peers. Parental patience, guile, and dedication to preserving teen dignity are great internal linings for the shoulder pads of coaching.

Super-teens: From age 18 to 21, it’s the final stage of abandoning adolescent values, standards, and expectations. Parental coaching becomes more trustworthy when advice is sought before offered.

I recently stumbled onto a teen porn site. Two to three dozen 18-year olds in action on the open and advertisement home screen. My first thought was of their humiliated fathers. My second was how immaturity allows stupidity. My third was the promotion of penis envy among men and how size is almost meaningless to females except in their imagination and as promoted by men. My fourth was of those immature girls building miserable futures as their financial worth fades with age. My fifth was of porn men losing all respect for females and later trying to raise daughters with self-respect. My sixth was to quickly conclude that the porn lobby was the primary mover behind the 26th Amendment. It gave 18 y/o the right to vote, escape minority status, and become legally eligible for exploitation before porn cameras. We as a supposedly civilized society are so f’ing gullible.

I just got too personally involved. Don’t know how I will handle it yet, but the last in this series will deal with girls and sex in childhood. May take more than a day to do it, so tomorrow may be an empty day.

6 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, marriage

6 responses to “2336. Suggestions for Raising Children — Part X

  1. surfercajun

    Sorry, Sir Guy… have another from this old preacher… ((grin))

    How they act at 3 is how they will act at 13… (if not corrected) 😉

    and

    It is amazing how children mimic the criminal mind.

    Your Highness Surfercajun,
    Right. The juices of puberty grant self-permission to act what’s been absorbed.
    Guy

  2. surfercajun

    I wish I could have had your series when my children were younger. I was always looking for positive influences for my chickens. (yes, I call my kids chickens and they humor me for it) 🙂

    This was an amazing series of teaching and coaching from one of the finest men I have the honor of knowing. This will be a great reference to other young mothers that I can direct to your site. Thank you for touch on porn. You gave great deep thought to this teen porn site.

    Yet again, it is the lowering of the human intellect to it’s basic instinct of
    *we are all just animals* …nothing more. Starting with children. We are the guards standing sentry at the gate. We should be extremely careful of what comes into our homes, out of our mouths in front of ours and others. But then again, I tend to forget who runs this country but yet we still run our homes.

  3. Meow Meow

    The belief that girls “mature faster” than boys is certainly not true, at least not any more. Physically yes, but mentally/emotionally it has been my experience raising a teen daughter today that girls bodies are developing but their understanding of themselves, boys and the world is still extremely innocent and naive. Any understanding of sexuality seems to be gleaned from the TV/internet and mistakes and misunderstandings of how it affects actual life is rampant. Sad to say but girls are in no way as self-aware or “knowing” as boys think they are….their teenage self esteem is horribly low and only attention from boys seems to assuage it hence the use of Instagram, Webcam usage, dabbling in instant fame via pornography. Girls just aren’t thinking about how this will affect their long term reputation, safety in the world, etc….sexy clothing is just thought of as the norm and not anything that unusual (by girls.) In fact my daughters Christian friend wears the most revealing clothing of any teenage girl I know but seems completely unaware of how it might affect the perception of her….its just “cute” or “the current Style.” So yes, girls can wear provocative clothing AND be very unaware of boys reaction to it, believe it or not, or at least the depth of the reaction to it. The same with porn…. “Everyone is doing it/looking at it, so what’s the big deal”?

    • My husband's Wife

      Really interesting Meow Meow and would agree. I think some of how the girls now dress revealing is partly due to parents missing the boat and failing to educate and protect the girls. An example: One girl I know of when she was in her teens was insisting to wear a teeny bikini to a coed trip to the lake, even bought the bathing suit behind her mother’s back. The mom found it and had a talk with her about how the boys respond physically to that sort of suit. The talk was more like “coaching” not lecturing, asking the question, is this how you want to be viewed? The girl was “shocked” and decided to get a pretty one-piece without much of a fuss. There were several other “issues” concerning boys as well that if left unattended to would have resulted the girl ending up pregnant or with Mr. Wrong. Without that sort of intervention, I don’t know where that girl would be today. Today she is married and a proud proponent of being a wife/mom/modest woman. Most parents don’t understand these issues themselves it seems and will let it go or they’re completely missing in action at key points, leaving the child to find out the hard way…or end up miserable.

      • Meow Meow

        I completely agree, even parents may be too busy to notice or not take the clothing issue that seriously themselves. What a great mom you remember who “coached” her girl it seems without being too preachy and explained the reasoning, with some pretty direct language! But sometimes young ladies need to hear it that way, things might not make sense to them until they do. I am fortunate my daughter is the shy type….she is physically va-va-voom and intrigued by boys, but although she has passing crushes she isn’t flinging herself at them just yet and dresses modestly but cute/clean. I am also trying to encourage her natural feelings that when a boy doesn’t reciprocate any interest in you—turn up your nose and move along. (preparing her against future players)

        There are plenty of fish in the sea and at her age the high pressure school social scene shouldn’t be a priority anyways.

  4. My Husband's Wife

    Way to go in working with your daughter, Meow Meow! It sounds like she’s got a good foundation so far and she’ll be equipped to better handle things as she grows.

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