Tactical Parenting: Encouraging Sexual Restraint
Teens Mixed with Sex. This subject is so complex that I’m foolish to tackle it. However, I’ve come this far and ….
The series just continues to grow. At this stage it takes a lot of effort to peel off the layers and expose the real meat. So, I have again broken what follows into more articles.
Background. Millions of words written and spoken and millions of parental efforts have done nothing to halt the spread of girls earning boy-approval through sexual activity. WADWMUFGAO and adolescent immaturity leads to dreadful habits and long-range effects. Such as men addicted to porn, acceptance of cheating, women exploiting sexual assets but losing in the end, and women able to find marriage but unable to keep husbands and vice versa.
Cause and Effect. That background doesn’t sound all that bad since we’re so accustomed to it. But it causes us to overlook this critical fact. Wives and not single women shape how men think and respond to female interests.
Men marry virtuous women. Virtue is based on qualities that men admire. Men discover virtues while trying to bed a woman. While she refuses, he keeps looking for weaknesses to facilitate conquest. In the process he uncovers qualities that he can admire. Virtues accumulate as he keeps trying to bed her. Eventually, virtues compound into fascination, which eventually shows up as promise he sees in her to improve his lot in life. That’s the process. The motivational forces come from elsewhere.
Men seek to marry a virtuous woman for two reasons that vary from man to man. 1) She makes him look better to both himself and his competitive peers who judge him by his ability to capture and keep a beauty (at least in his eyes). 2) Men seek maximum quality from their investment of self.
Those are subsidiary reasons. The main motivator for a man to enter marriage is that he sees promise in a woman to excite his present life and help fulfill his ambitions for the future. If she can’t or doesn’t help him that way, the lure of sex with her won’t hold him very long. Sex does not bond men, and once conquered a woman becomes expendable even for trivial reasons.
The less that men see virtue in women, the fewer that marry. Marriage enables wives to influence husbands and the male gender. IOW, the less male admiration that women earn as both individual and gender, the fewer individuals find marriage, which transmutes into less female influence with men.
As we see today, the less indirect influence that fewer and fewer successful wives win for all women, the more that single women—with girls following suit—try to win it directly by yielding sex easily and cheaply. Of course it doesn’t work as they wish it. They ignore the inborn nature of males, who have little or no interest in female matters except for sex and however else women can make themselves promising to male interests.
It translates this way. Fewer marriages today means that men can’t find enough qualities to admire in women so that they see enough promise to venture into marriage. At least not enough that they find women likeable enough to pledge masculine willingness to be loyal to what they do find.
It brings us to the teen problem. Cheap and easy sex prevents marriage. Why do teens participate? Girls have no understanding about the connection between deferred gratification and fulfillment of female hopes and dreams. They just don’t know any better, and only mom with dad’s support can change it.
Child-raising. I call it teen risk-avoidance. Teach girls how to be good wives. Let girls—with routine guidance of course but no preaching—worry about how to avoid the mistakes growing up. A girl taught successfully to keep a husband via wifely leadership by example can learn how to handle boys, bullies, men, players, boyfriends, and fiancés. Of course, that’s not all. But when mom uses it for her strategy, she will finally hit all the bases without confusing daughter about self-development, which is her own responsibility for staying out of trouble.
So, I suggest moms develop a new strategy for bringing up daughters. What women do now ain’t working, is it? (Blog readers excluded of course.) Single moms have it worst. They have to start over with 1) the mistakes they made earlier. 2) An imaginary husband to use as role model for teaching. 3) Stop blaming men generally and especially the father of their children. 4) Find the blessings within both genders, regardless of how out of touch they appear today; teach from that. Otherwise, daughters have little recourse but to duplicate moms that have not been all that successful.
I suggest moms become better wives by learning to better handle their husbands, mates, or boyfriends as applicable. Then, they can teach daughters even as early as toddlerhood about men made better by mom’s attention rather than preaching the results of sexual adventuring.
How are toddlers supposed to learn about men? Mom reminds frequently how important her husband is as both mate and father. Mom teaches toddler how and for what to show gratitude to father. Mom demonstrates that her husband outranks father on matters of importance to the child. Mom teaches how to live up to something bigger or someone higher than self. IOW, how to sacrifice oneself on the altar of loving someone. It starts directly with appreciating father and the mother inherits child’s love indirectly by doing the right thing, which a child can recognize very early in life.
When wives do better keeping fathers in the home, daughters will pay more attention to how mom does it. When mom plays the happier tunes in the feminine juke box, father wants to join in, and daughter learns to dance to those harmonies.
So, here are some reinforcing thoughts for moms. Men are pretty happy by nature when they can be satisfied by what they see and not be harangued by contrary words. What do husbands need and expect? Some examples:
- Frequent and convenient sex is his due, he earned it by giving up his independence. To use it against him to get her way is to enter the on-ramp to the highway.
- For him to continue to see her as the likeable person, woman, and wife that he married and to whom he pledged his loyalty and faithful intention.
- For him to see respect, gratitude, dependence, and loyalty in wife’s actions and hear the same in her words.
- For her to appreciate his loyalty to her alone, as she measures it from his duties and similar actions that support her interests, such as mowing the lawn, cleaning her car, earning a pay raise, saving in order to buy first home, remodeling nursery for baby on the way, voluntarily tending an infant, tending mom when she’s sick or just ‘off her feed’.
- For him to be frequently reminded that both his job is vital and his absence acceptable. She depends on her rescheduling ability to preserve her importance.
- For him to see peace throughout his home, which is easiest developed when wife manages both blame and the term out of existence in the home.
- For her to regularly and routinely convince him that he’s both likeable and that she’s loyal to him in all his roles as person, husband, father, employee, friend, et al.
- For him to witness her trying religiously to earn his admiration by making herself more important to him in whatever opportunities arise.
- For both to understand that forgiveness may be impossible for him but easy for her. And that forgetfulness is easy for him but virtually impossible for her.
- For her to bless their home with feminine dignity wrapped in calmness, patience, understanding, and forgiveness. As one woman declared, femininity adds color to a man’s B&W world.
- He measures her trust of him by the way her actions make her appear totally trustworthy. She actually trusts him as part of her nature that tells her to show respect.
- She can and is expected to generate fairness throughout the family. Equality is impossible to achieve in human relations or immediately thereafter becomes inequality. Pursuit of it disturbs peace and harmony.
- For him, she should. But she never understands the belittling that follows her demands or nagging that he perform ‘woman’s work’ as he defines it. (Of course it may not be fair, but it’s the male nature to draw such distinctions, and after conquest men reserve the right to define their obligations.)
- For him to frequently be reminded by her actions that he’s excitingly competent in bed. When teaching daughters, it’s not about sex but about intimacy, touching, feelings, successful togetherness. The promise of permanency to fulfill hopes and dreams rather than the temporariness of teen hook ups and premature destruction of hopes and dreams.
There’s an old saying that two women can’t exist in the same home. The same applies to men when wife acts like a man. Here’s another axiom: It’s the wife more than the mother who keeps the father in the home. IOW, husband outranks father; the marriage is based on husband’s investments of self before father’s responsibility was ‘inherited’. Motherhood changes a wife, when husband expects her not to change. However, husbands of good character and wives of good conscience know how to balance the potential for such husbandly conflict.