Tactical Parenting: Encouraging Sexual Restraint
Part XI posited that if mom knows more about how to succeed as wife, she is better prepared to teach daughters how to avoid the pitfalls of teen sex. It also cited some thoughts husbands expect and that make them happier in their homes.
Now for the other side of the coin. How did she get to be a wife? (Numbers are only for easy reference.)
- A suitable suitor finds in her qualities that he admires and that make her attractive and likeable enough to strongly desire to spend much time with her. She’s the scenic view for him to observe and take all in.
- Immediately if it’s love at first sight or later if not, he finds her far more likeable than others. Time spent with her morphs slowly or comes on quickly that she’s the only one for him. Out of that masculine conviction emerges his willingness to be exclusively loyal to her. He’s born that way: When things go according to his sense of integrity and what’s right, he’ll keep his part of whatever deal develops.
- She can screw it up if she tries to convince him of her value or promise that she reserves for him alone. He doesn’t actually care much for who she thinks she is, or her promises of what she can be to him. His self-interest is tied to how and what he figures out she can be to and for him. Sex plays but a minor role once he becomes totally interested in the promise he imagines.
- He quits examining her after conquest. He proved himself good enough for her. Consequently, he has little else to earn, learn, accomplish in order to keep her if he wants her.
- The longer she delays conquest, the more time he’s exposed to and discovers qualities he can admire, each of which becomes a virtues to him, and which over sufficient time compound into what men seek to marry, a virtuous woman. Their extended and chaste togetherness soon promotes her as unique among women and his judgment working in background causes unique to grow into fascination. A fascinating woman captures and holds a man’s intentions to go further with her.
- All of which merge into the promise he sees in her to add success to his present way of life and pursuit of his ambitions. After figuring the odds and guaranteeing himself of not making a mistake, courage encourages, and he takes the leap and proposes.
- Presuming she accepts, his job is done. He turns arrangements over to his fiancée and her mother, shows up at the altar on time, and begins marriage as if nothing else happens or matters. It’s a new life and he can handle it. Let’s get this living together underway, and he expects it will be the same forever after.
- Yes, I ignore the popular notion that marriage isn’t forever. Many terminations are the result of common practice to follow popular opinion rather than trusting one’s judgment; to blame rather than get along; to fault rather than work together; to demand rather than compromise; to ignore rather than follow the leader; to devalue compatibility rather than strengthen marriage; to cheat rather than respect; to fight rather than smooch; to grudge rather than pet; to sleep rather than make love.
- Both sexes are born to be compatible with a mate. The basic requirements are that marriage proceed under the indirect influence of wife trying to fulfill her childhood hopes and dreams, which requires that husband has indisputable and highly welcomed access to sex, which enables him to go along to get along, which promotes wife as very likeable and loyal to husband, which confirms his love of her.
How does she get to remain a wife?
- By matching, merging, and morphing his and her self-interests into the music of loving one another first and raising children as add-ons.
- Sorry, mothers, to be so blunt. But look at it closely. What happens when kids in the process of ever changing self-development are made more important than the husband-wife combination? Without preeminence in being right, how do parents breathe constancy and stability into their family? How do they generate loving survival with all the unpredictable and surprising changes that occur as kids move from inevitable immaturity and to hopeful maturity? Without husband-wife glue, marital instability follows, which means that teen immaturity continues, which means that daughters’ hopes and dreams go unachieved from lack of nurturing, teaching, leading, and coaching mostly by mom.
- She prepares daughter for a life that father expects to see. Peer pressure and mom not teaching her best often plow this female instinct under the dirt of daily life: Maturity is essential for the fulfillment of female hopes and dreams, so are boys and men, and so is the female’s ability to handle both to her advantage. Well-prepared teen girls fight to reach maturity rather than enjoy the immaturity fashioned by and upheld by boys intent on conquests and learning to be players.
- When wife isn’t loved sufficiently well by husband, what does she do? Often out of spite, she aims herself to more deliberately and expressively love her kids. It amplifies her self-importance and satisfaction and compensates for attention and appreciation so lacking from her husband. (I don’t alibi for men; some can be terrible mates until the females in their lives train them better.)
- More pronounced expressions of her love toward children weaken her expressions of love of husband. Kids become most important, which makes mothering more important than wifeing, which makes husband secondary, which makes wife a different woman than he married, which makes her less dependent on him for her self-importance, which makes her less valuable to help pursue his ambitions, which makes her less willing to accommodate his sexual interests in the home, which make her unnecessary if not expendable, which makes him venture into sexual thought outside, which inevitably leads to his cheating if they’re not already separated for other reasons.
- The self-fulfilling prophecy of marital separation—or living separate lives under the same roof—begins when wife finds fault in husband, blames him for insufficient attention and love, and compensates by turning to her kids to make herself feel better about herself.
- WADWMUFGAO, which energizes her to intensify expressions of love of kids at the expense of husband. It’s a pretty normal reaction, but by lessening her expressions of love of husband, she weakens that love and marital decay begins. IOW, marital success comes from only one combination of womanly love. The expressions of motherly love never cause the expressions of wifely love to deteriorate. In her heart, they are all loved equally but husband comes first in matters where he and kids are in competition for her attention, affection, or support. She’s the judge in the middle and always rules for what’s best for her future and lets the kids develop their own.
- Otherwise, when mother-love outweighs wife-love, her expressions become biased against husband, which makes him play second fiddle, which makes him jealous of offspring, which makes him want more of the kind of sex she no longer wants to give, which opens his eyes outside the home, which initiates thoughts followed by actual cheating, which opens the door to emotional infidelity, which kills the already squelched spirit of her marriage.
- Marriage comes before family and family before individuals. It’s what husband expects and is willing to devote his self-interest. If wife thinks otherwise, she’s more loyal to herself or kids or both. Thus, her likeability dissolves in husband’s eyes.
Mothers have the burden whether they accept it or not. They are responsible to teach daughters how to fulfill female hopes and dreams and thus amplify their own dreams.
The process in modern times means to bypass teen sex in favor of more permanent relationships. To do so, moms do best when they know and use their own experience in the successful handling of boys, men, and husbands.
This post covered how women get to be wives and how they sustain the respect of that lofty position. Tomorrow continues with a mixture of principles and conditions that provide more fodder for teaching girls.