2352. Tribute to the Female Nature — 07: How Women Lead


It’s the inborn nature of both genders to respect the other for its uniqueness, the potential that enables compatibility. Females do it instinctively but they have to forever remind males with their continuing and important presence—by effectively leading from behind.

Old school cause and effect sustained it. In fact, individuals of each gender respected the opposite more than their own. It significantly enhanced each person’s sense of personal responsibility, especially that of men for their families, which reduced blaming others.

Women respect other people without their having to earn it, which manifests as respect for the male gender. Men respect individuals who earn their respect.

However, men pay little attention to respecting the female gender except as circumstance and pressure require. Our grannies exploited that weakness with lady-like behavior that pressured men into more female-friendly gentlemanly behavior, which through their manly action spread respect across the female gender. (Not even men can do one thing and have opposite feelings, it’s mental ‘noise’ that renders one confused aka cognitive dissonance. Some way will be found to eliminate the confusion.)

When women generate and exploit respect, it enables and they quickly learn to lead from behind, which encourages their man to lead from the front. It works this way:

  • Women respect individuals until they turn unrespectful and undeserving. (Trust is another matter, but they tend to trust men until they detect a red flag, turn cautious, and grow suspicious.)
  • Men respect individual females according to their: 1) Resistance to yielding sexual assets for manly exploitation. 2) Willingness to stand up on their own behalf; defend themselves particularly against unjustified pressure applied by men. 3) Unnoticeably converting masculine effort into female advantage (aka ability to honorably outsmart men sufficiently well that men don’t resent or take offense).
  • Masculine respect also shows up this way. Husbands are willing to do what’s right so long as they know what’s right, can please their woman, but are neither blamed nor told how to do it. It translates to men allowing women to determine what’s right socially and domestically and men to follow so invisibly they don’t appear to be following in a female’s wake. )
  • Women act as ladies, which justifies their restricting the subject of sex to marital conditions and out of the public eye, which pressures men into finding other ways to broach the subject, which encourages men to become gentlemanly in order to have access to female recognition and acceptance as social equals, which makes it in the interest of men to consider marriage as the best alternative, which encourages them to marry to have frequent and convenient access to sex, which is made socially acceptable by women who put lady-like behavior ahead of just having a man, which enables ladies to govern social and domestic norms, which earns masculine respect for the female gender, which is part of the respect men must have for devotion to arise and for each to love one woman.
  • Ladies thus motivate men to respect the female gender far more than men do naturally, which is the direct result of women acting like ladies and expecting men to act as gentlemen (aka better than their nature, living up to something bigger than themselves such as each lady they encounter).
  • Our Judeo-Christian culture thus enabled our foremothers to utilize Christian love principles and earn greater respect for their gender. It was relatively easy when women unified under common values and standards rather than individually and multi-culturally. Mothers civilized boys to respect girls, who made teen boys mind their own business about sex. Bachelorettes invoked social rules that kept bachelors dependent on female decisions about socializing. Wives honored husbands for dependability, responsibility, and relationship survivability.

Only in the case of some of the smarter women do we see it today. They first give respect to all men, which conditions their thinking against blaming one man for all social and domestic ailments.

Just as God gave chocolate to men so women would pay attention, he gave women the option of not blaming men so men would pay attention. Those who can capture and hold the attention of the other are the momentary leaders.

It’s the simplest formula I can derive. Plenty of chocolate enables men to lead. Lack of blame enables women to lead. Any relationship needs both to function as leaders, but alternating in concert and not annoyance or resentment. Getting and holding attention comes second; respect comes first.

 

17 Comments

Filed under courtship, Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, feminine, sex differences

17 responses to “2352. Tribute to the Female Nature — 07: How Women Lead

  1. Maddy

    Dear Sir Guy

    May I ask what to do when husband has a nightmare during the night? We’ve not been married long (4 months now) and he’s yelled once on two separate occasions in his sleep, not at me but rather appears to be a reaction to a dream he is having. The first time was a few weeks after we returned from our honeymoon. On that occasion I woke up with a start and he did too (possibly because I sat bolt upright in bed!) He then apologised for waking me up and hugged me until we both fell asleep again. In the morning he didn’t mention anything about it so neither did I.

    But it happened again last night. He yelled once (same volume and pitch as previously). I woke up, but this time I don’t think I woke him up and he continued to stay asleep. So I just lay there for a while watching him, then I finally fell asleep too.

    In the morning, I didn’t mention anything and he didn’t seem affected by it (or perhaps even remember it?)

    It is probably related to events in his childhood – the first year of his life he was effectively homeless/displaced. His mother and father – strong marriage, mom treasured each kid, dad strict but fair – but unfortunate circumstances with each parent having lengthy cancer battles and dying in his tween years. The rest of the family rallied together during and after and is now wealthy and very giving to the local community.

    Can I help husband in some indirect way that does not prod at possibly a sensitive topic or hurt his pride at being able to solve his problems on his own?

    Sorry, I know my comment is not related to your current post. I did search “nightmare” and “dreams” on your blog and I couldn’t find a relevant post to comment under.

    Maddy

    Your Highness Maddy,

    Of course this isn’t medically indicated and I presume no illness.

    Twice in four months? Don’t make a big deal and you’re already handling it nicely.

    If you can make his sleep more comfortable, it might curtail whatever provokes the yells. Example: Whenever it happens and he awakes, do what you did before; snuggle back to sleep. He rushed to relieve his guilt, which enables him to forget it easily. You should also. No mention in the morning is very good.

    Next time, if he doesn’t awake, snuggle and whisper in his ear, “Hey, sweetheart, want to mess around?” Or, “You called? Was it for sex?” Or something similar that adds innocence to his yell and switches off his dream. (Just ideas, darling, you know or can figure out what works best.)

    If you whisper pleasant things, whether he awakes or not and regardless of his response, his subconscious will register that all is well and he’s in no need of special attention. It’s a comfort that over time may prevent or make the yells less frequent.

    If all that doesn’t work, the critical issue becomes you. Can you stand having your sleep interrupted that way without eventually blaming him? What if it recurs for life? You prepared? Your attitude sounds great today. You accept him as he is, because you’re newlyweds.

    You chose him, so don’t ever blame him for his yells ruining your sleep. If that’s the way he is, that’s the way he is. Experiment with comforting his and your sleep and otherwise you gotta learn to live with it.

    Guy

    • Maddy

      Thank you Sir Guy. I hope you are enjoying your vacation.

      You say: If all that doesn’t work, the critical issue becomes you. Can you stand having your sleep interrupted that way without eventually blaming him? What if it recurs for life? You prepared?

      Yes I think so. The occurrence is not frequent and my heart understands it is unfair to blame him for something that is not his deliberate doing.

      Thanks once more.

      Maddy

    • Meow Meow

      This question is silly but I really don’t know how to handle the situation. As he has aged my husband has turned into quite the snorer—we’re talking buzz saw loud! (and as menopause hits, I have become a poor sleeper.) Once I am awakened by the loud snoring it can take 2 or 3 hours to get back to sleep. Since i am primary breadwinner right now my getting a good sleep is essential to my functioning well at work! i am dreading going to bed every night but I know he can’t help it. We live in a small house so can’t set up extra bedrooms and even my daughter across the house can hear him. Also he would NOT want me to leave the bedroom as he wants me to sleep next to him. What is a polite way to handle this situation? Are ear plugs in order? Is that disrespectful? Its hard to be rational on little sleep so any tips anyone has are appreciated.

      • Maddy

        Hi Meow Meow

        As Sir Guy is on a well deserved break, I hope he does not mind that I offer my 2 cents in his absence:

        My parents are in a similar situation, although both are still working and my thoughts are that as long as you don’t complain about your husband’s snoring, ear plugs are not disrespectful; and neither is going to bed early (say, 30 mins before your husband usually retires) so you are already part way to sleep town by the time he gets into bed. This is what my Mom does (and has done for a long time now). Her excuse is that a lady needs her beauty sleep to stay beautiful for her husband 🙂 and my Dad finds it endearing/amusing.

        As to waking in the middle of the night: typically a snorer will stop snoring if sleeping on his side or gently disturbed in his sleep (but not so disturbed as to wake him). Rolling him over to his side will probably wake him so I don’t suggest this, but rubbing his chest or stomach can sometimes prompt him to roll over himself without waking up (I do this when hubby has too many beers before bedtime and starts snoring loudly). Otherwise, if ear plus are not effective, an alternative would be a pair of “noise cancelling earphones” and listening to some relaxing ocean sounds via your music player/iPod etc. (I do this on long plane trips to dampen sounds of snoring passengers next to me and crying children!)

        However I also suggest this: that you read up on Sleep Apnea (info here: http://www.sleepapnea.org/) because “buzz saw” volume snoring is often a symptom of this condition. My Dad has it and he now sleeps with the assistance of a CPAP machine which opens his airways and also fortunately reduces the snoring. If your husband has the symptoms of Sleep Apnea, then it is important to seek help because he’s not actually getting a good nights sleep either due to the condition. And in some cases it can be very serious if left untreated. Many men have this condition (much more so than women) so this fact my help if you are concerned about broaching the topic with your husband for fear of emasculating him etc.

        Hope this helps.
        Maddy

      • Maddy

        Ps – Sleep Apnea is very common among men over 55 and there is a far greater incidence of the condition in men than women. These facts may be useful to know if husband is the type that generally denies being sick because he’s concerned it makes him appear weak to his family (not saying this is your husband, but more a general comment on how reluctant men are about seeing a doctor!)

        • Meow Meow

          Maddy thank you! Yes I do believe this must be Sleep apnea from what I’ve been reading. It is a very common problem i’m sure and thank you for your tips. They are sweet! I have to say one of the saddest things I’ve been around was the death of a co-worker a few years ago. His snoring was so bad and his wife complained so much that he went in for surgery to correct it. but his system was weak and he died under anesthesia. i can only imagine how she must have felt. We got together and created a fund for her and the kids to get through the rest of the year financially. Another friend did invest in the CPAP machine. It looks so awful but I understand it really does help. So yes snoring is a tricky subject to deal with in our house as my husband is aware he snores but leery to fix the problem as he heard about what happened at my work. My fault for blabbing about it! so i figure its on me to figure out a solution…. maybe some really unobtrusive ear plugs and hugging/rubbing will help. I tried to go to bed later as i dreaded the sleepless night ahead of me but I never thought about going to bed earlier! I like your (and your mom’s) two cents. Happy Thanksgiving BTW!

          • Maddy

            Hi Meow Meow,

            I understand your predicament! It took my Mom a long time to convince Dad to do a “sleep assessment” – but we’re fortunate that he eventually did because the condition (if left untreated) can be fatal itself (sorry, don’t mean to scare you, it is only in extreme cases).

            I think you are already aware that a sleep assessment is painless and is simply a way to monitor how many times the patient stops breathing and for what length of time each incident is to determine the severity of the condition. A sleep assessment can now be done at home with relatively little inconvenience. If possible, broach this subject with your husband soon and with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, perhaps frame the conversation in such a way that his doing the assessment would be the best Christmas present you could hope for because it is essentially giving you the gift of himself to continue providing for and protecting for his family etc etc; and that you know he is very different (stronger) than the case you mentioned; (and emphasize that it is very unlikely he’ll need an op etc)

            The bonus of treating the condition (say with a CPAP) is that your husband will actually get a good night’s sleep and it will be wonderful for his mood and energy. Someone who has sleep apnea isn’t actually sleeping continuously during the night even though it sounds like he is! He’s probably not had a good night’s sleep for a very long time. Until my Dad started using the CPAP, I don’t think he’d had a restful night’s sleep for 10 years. And both my parents are still working full time jobs so you can imagine how much better it is for both of them now!

            Good luck! I know you’ll handle this really well!
            Maddy

            • Maddy

              Also, sorry to hear of the sad situation regarding the passing of your co-worker, and hope his wife and family are ok

            • Meow Meow

              Wow and thank you Maddy. I had no idea but it does make sense—after all we sleep about 1/3 of our lives so I’m guessing the CPAP must have made a huge difference for your dad. I have also heard from a friend about some kind of “nose tape” that helped her hubby breathe better. I will look into these things more thoroughly! Thanks! (Yes he is older so our time together is very dear. And even still we both need to work as much as we can!)

              Sadly I did not know what happened after the fund raiser (For my work friend’s family), but that’s why i have a hard time breaching the snoring subject. But given that long term sleep apnea can be detrimental/fatal to him as well as annoying to me I guess I need to. I appreciate your passing on the experience.:)

  2. Cocoa

    Sir Guy, I do not understand the chocolate analogy above (or is it an anology?!) . Can you please explain it to me. I understand the blame part though.

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness Cocoa,
      View it this way. God gave men all the chocolate so they can get and hold a woman’s attention. Let chocolate symbolize all the earned gifts that a man provides that please his woman.
      Guy

  3. Miss Gina

    Sir Guy, I like your description of male/female power dynamics. My husband has discovered the male side of this, and it has worked so well that I have had to insist he stop buying me so much chocolate so I can keep a decent weight, lol! I guess there can be too much of a good thing.

  4. Miss Gina

    Another thought, Sir Guy. One of my grandmothers and her never-married sister were both teachers. They were born in 1905 and 1898, respectively. Both had the exact manner you describe. I can’t remember a single time that either ever raised her voice, but my sister and I never considered disobeying or disappointing them. We never wanted to get “the look,” either. (An older lady who had had my aunt as home ec teacher in high school came to sentimental tears when remembering my aunt, her high but achievable expectations, and “the look”!) Though they weren’t overly warm or huggy-kissy, we knew they loved us because of the wonderful cakes baked from scratch, beautiful clothes made with extra touches, outings and walks in the woods with fun projects like nature crafts and terrariums, etc. Of course we wanted to please them. 🙂

    • Miss Gina

      Sorry, Sir Guy, this last comment goes more appropriately under post 2351, where you very wisely answer surfercajun’s daughter’s question about female bosses imitating men in exercising authority.

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