2364. Advisory for Men #01


Readers have asked me many times to advise men about women. I rejected the idea as near worthless. The most important reason is that men don’t listen to other men advising how to deal with or live with a woman. Conquer one, yes, but little else.

I don’t know where it will lead but not all of it will be female-friendly. I’m just going to now list the first 30 that  come to mind today and ask you to pardon the duplicates that will probably appear later, because I’m not going to edit them as I go.

  1. You want to be admired by your woman. Then make and prove her to be the most important THING in your life.
  2. You want to be satisfied with your life? You won’t until you dedicate yourself to having a successful marriage with a good woman, made good because you’re a good man and she made you a better one. IOW, you married over your head.
  3. Affection to a woman means she’s important to the giver. You don’t look for much affection but she has to have it. Its absence is a leading cause of breakdown in a relationship.
  4. Never blame her, talk.
  5. You like action, she likes to talk. Don’t let that fool you. She hears your talk but she judges your actions to ensure they match your words.
  6. Your words comes out of your mind; your actions come out of your heart. A woman is much more interested in your heart than mind. So, sweet talk has its place, but it’s temporary and good only for fooling someone, which says that you’re not a very good man for a woman to know or associate with.
  7. Blame is the sourest note you can add to marital harmony. Blame your wife for anything and you will pay many times over. She can’t be her best without you confirming both your and her behaviors with alibis, explanations, justifications, and excuses. Anything other than blame.
  8. You’ll be amazed at how admirable you look and therapeutic it can be for a marriage when you explain away her mistakes as okay. I realize that’s an impossibility after she cheats, but otherwise it’s wise counsel.
  9. If she blames you, man up. Recover by saving your marriage rather than your dignity or ego or shame. It’s easy if you start by adding respect to her and her feelings and finish by adding affection and promises THAT MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. (Of course, it doesn’t apply if she’s always blaming you for every little thing that happens against the best interest of your marriage.)
  10. If you don’t or can’t respect females as creatures equal to you just as God does, it denies you the self-respect that you crave but can’t seem to find. Start showing more respect for women for no other reason than they deserve your special consideration and watch your self-respect soar.

20 Comments

Filed under courtship, Home CEO, marriage, The mind

20 responses to “2364. Advisory for Men #01

  1. Beloved

    Wow, this was very good. It’s too bad men can be so pig-headed when it comes to learning to do relationships. I think they would be so much happier. Actually, I’ve known it for years, but you can’t make anyone do what’s in their own best interest..Looking forward to more of this series. Why holding out on that pre-Thanksgiving kissing article? Sorry to bug you again, but, seriously, I’m on pins and needles.

    Your Highness Beloved,

    I’ve turned chicken on publishing it. After some very unscientific questioning of several women and demonstrating my version of the kiss in the real world, both were received with less than warm welcome. As I suspected might be the case, it’s too radical (not kiss so much as the idea). Women don’t have the want-to or courage to do something so different.

    All in all, it’s a good idea whose time has not come. So, I beg off providing details. I had a great time on the road dreaming it up, though, and I regret disappointing you and other readers.

    Guy

  2. Some Other Guy

    If relationship maintenance can minimize drama in my life, I want to hear more. I see that you have a few items that revolve around blame. Since this seems to be so important, can you go into a little more detail about this? What is so important about blame?

    Would an example of blame be where, you ask her if she has the tickets with her. She says yes. You get to the show and she says she doesn’t have the tickets with her after all. She left them at home. You now have a choice.
    You can get pissed off and make a big deal of the situation or you can laugh it off and go back home to pick up the tickets. Is this made up situation representative of what you are thinking of?

    Sir Some Other Guy,

    Yes, a very good example. He can blame her, which puts bitterness on his tongue and puts her on the defensive and feeling inadequate even for him with all his imperfections. Blame also initiates competition of how does she recover at his expense for being so mean as to not understand all the pressure she’s been under—or whatever else she feels and whatever else strains their relationship.

    Or, with a simple “it’s okay” he can elevate these choices over his disappointment at missing the show: reverse her feelings of regret and thus marital harmony. Alibi for her with “we are not perfect.” Display his understanding and ability to forgive, which enables her to forget later that it happened. Reconfirm her importance by acceptance of her as very adequate rather than as she regrets her inadequacies and foibles. Confirm her gratitude for having chosen him as her mate.

    OTOH, if available, he can buy other tickets but it’s not the same as saying “it’s okay” and returning home either to stay or return with the tickets. New tickets leaves a bad taste in her mouth from having made the mistake for which he paid extra money while wasted tickets lay at home.

    You read it before, it’s not love, affection, and loyalty that hold a couple together. It’s the absence of negative things that compound into tearful explosions that destroy mutual likeability. Blame is a primary cause that lays waste to togetherness.

    Anyone can blame; it’s a sign of weakness, self-defense, or lack of respect for the one who erred. Anyone who can say “it’s okay” to another’s mistake immediately joins the ranks of those highly appreciated to have nearby.

    Declaring another’s mistake as okay nullifies blame and confirms emotional bonding. It generates more holding power, magnetizes as it were.

    Guy

    • My Husband's Wife

      Really interesting topic here looking at blame from the perspective of man to woman. From the ladies side of thing, Sir Guy is 100% correct from personal experience. I noticed when I get blamed for something I know I did wrong (and it was something like the example above, not willful or vindictive), I feel incredibly guilty already so hearing more blame/criticism just makes him look “mean” in my eyes, then I really don’t want to be around him and I start accumulating his faults in my mind…and then the physical part is turned right off as well. (And then I come to WWNH recover – ha ha!)

      Can I somehow get my husband to figure this out? I haven’t been successful with dealing with his blame yet 🙂

      Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,

      Tell him what you just told me but in reverse over a nice dinner and wine, to wit.

      Honey, my physical attraction to you gets turned off regularly. Can we do something about it? I lose interest — and feel even more guilty — in associating physically when the guilt I already feel at every mistake I make is compounded by blame from the man I dearly love for his kind heartedness, understanding, and bedroom competence.

      Guilt is bad enough but blame turns me cold inside. Whatcha think? Any other options?

      Guy

      • My Husband's Wife

        Oh I like this response, Sir Guy! I would have never thought about it this way. I will no longer be spinning my wheels trying to find an approach regarding this issue. I greatly appreciate your help on the matter!

    • surfercajun

      Thank you, Sir Guy

      The example explained above brought forth my own thoughts on this subject.. the first one, not so good… the second made me feel 100x better.

      This really held sway:
      Declaring another’s mistake as okay nullifies blame and confirms emotional bonding. It generates more holding power, magnetizes as it were.

  3. This was really well said. That taking the blame thing, that is important stuff. I try to explain to people that he who holds the blame, also holds the power. When we blame others, we are basically handing all our power away and making our self a victim of someone else. There is really nothing more charming then a man who takes responsibility, even for things that are technically not his fault. It’s not a submissive thing at all, it’s not about being a scapegoat.

    The other day I was stomping about, cursing, and hubby says, “Dear Lord, please forgive her, it’s entirely my fault. I’ve over burdened her and caused her distress.” He hadn’t at all, I’d completely stressed my own self out, but those words, how sweet they were and how quickly they caught my attention. I just suddenly have a desire to please this man and make his life easier. I’m laughing here, but his life is not being made easier if he is having to apologize to God himself for my behavior.

    “You’ll be amazed at how admirable you look and therapeutic it can be for a marriage when you explain away her mistakes as okay.”

    Yep, you nailed it there, too.

    Your Highness Insanitybytes22,
    Thank you for an endearing example. How pleasantness must follow your life closely.
    Guy

    • Miss Gina

      Very well put, Lady Insanitybytes. It is an excellent and endearing example of gentlemanly behavior.

      As ladies, too, I think it’s great to see the shoe on the other foot for our own perspective. What a vision for our side of the blame picture!

      Could it be that we look just as charming to a male when he knows he messed up, but we are obviously going out of our way to make him look good? (Of course, referring here to a decent man, not a habitual cad.)

      Your Highness Miss Gina,

      Re your last question: No, I’m not sure “it’s okay” is as ‘miraculously’ beneficial for a guy. Men look more quickly to correct their mistakes on their own than seek forgiveness.

      Example: Read Some Other Guy’s comment above. Imagine husband instead of wife left the tickets at home. He would likely cuss and either head home and stay there, retrieve the tickets and return, or buy new tickets and that would be the end of it. (If wife started blaming him, he’d probably reply with “shut up.” I have everything under control.)

      Guy

      • Hmmm. Food for thought. Maybe I communicated my thoughts incorrectly. Of course you refer to what a man would *do*immediately, but in my head I was thinking of what a woman would *say*. I agree that a woman really couldn’t do anything to fix the ticket incident itself that would help. I was imagining more the difference between his reaction if she complained vs. his reaction if she pleasantly accepted the situation, never brought it up again, and made lemonade out of it. For instance, if he wanted to go home and stay, but she made pleasant conversation on the way home and then prepared a festive meal or suggested a pleasant dinner out. Of course she would never mention the tickets again. Would that be more on the right track?

        Your Highness Miss Gina,
        Sure. No one makes lemonade better than wife trying to rescue husband from his miscue. Makes husband want to keep wife nearby.
        Guy

  4. Some Other Guy

    I think you are really onto something here Sir Guy. Now that you explain it, what you are saying about blame matches up to my experience w/ my wife. She has actually said something to the effect of “I’m so glad you are not mad at me” when I have have bit my tongue and laughed off every day situations like I mentioned above.

    I will have to add “it’s OK” to my other super husband phrase of “I got this, don’t worry about it”. Those words tell her that I am handling the issue in question and she can cross it off her list of things to worry about. Every time I say those words I can see a visible sense of relief on her face.

  5. That Horse Is Dead

    Sir Guy,

    I read a lot of men’s online dating profiles that say things like, “must like holding hands, kissing” and “must be affectionate.” I think it’s a big issue that some men think affection is physical or romance or sweet talk, when it’s actually as you state, “affection to a woman means she’s important to the giver,” and depends on the individual woman.

    As an example, I have a friend whose husband showers her with sweet talk and phone calls all day long. After 15 years of marriage it means little to her because what she really wants is for him to get rid of the moldy old carpet in their home to help with her allergies. His actions are not there to back up his “affection.” She doesn’t feel important because he’s not listening to what she really wants from him — show me you care about me by fixing a huge problem for me.

    Regarding blame, Sir Some Other Guy, I think of it as the exact opposite of grace. For me it says, “you’re not good enough” or it highlights the wrong thing I do without looking at all the things I do right. There’s nothing more endearing to me than a man (or woman) who takes responsibility for the situation — giving grace — when it’s needed.

    I’m trying to teach both of my sons how to take responsiblity when they’re instinct is to say, “Well if you hadn’t done this, then I wouldn’t do this.” It immediately puts me on the defensive. When they’re silent and listen to me, even if I’m blaming/yelling, it gives me the chance to realize I’m overreacting, apologize, and the mountain becomes a molehill.

    Your Highness That Horse Is Dead,

    Re 1st para: Men say such things because they think women want to hear it. Holding hands and showing affection are not in the natural profile of good and honest men. They may do it, but advertising it as desired? Nope, it’s not honest.

    Re 2nd para: She lacks grace. Blame him for the carpets and she’s relieved of doing any more than complaining. Moreover, with her attitude, if she gets him to change to do what she wants, he’ll probably give up sweet talk and phone calls in retaliation for having been blamed.

    Such phone inputs aren’t that effective anyway at showing affection. Loyalty perhaps but not affection. Women want affection to include touching and whispers more than phone sounds or even too frequent attention that interrupts the routine they have planned well ahead.

    Incidentally, they get their carpets changed by putting their foot down or removing carpet themselves and leaving the floor uncovered. They let him face the results of female determination of what’s right for her home and his castle.

    Re 3rd para: I love grace as the opposite of blame. Right on. Wish I’d uncovered that gem of a comparison.

    Re 4th para: It’s amazing how well one can think with their mouth open while everyone else remains surprisingly silent, isn’t it?

    Guy

  6. ari

    Dear Sir Guy,
    #4 What a great suggestion! Talking so we can better understand each other and take a moment to realize we need to talk about this rather than react in anger to a given situation. Good stuff.
    Blame is destructive. I have a male friend who often responds with “it’ll be ok” when I mess up. It’s humbling because I was/used to be quick to anger and blame him when he would do the messing up. He has taught me by his example. Now I tell him the same…

  7. Meggrz

    I think perhaps the reason that men and women respond differently to blame is that women are more prone to internalizing blame as shame than men.

    Women are more likely to interpret “That was stupid” as “I am stupid,” whereas men are more likely to interpret “That was stupid” as “I did something stupid,” and there is an ocean of difference between the two.

    This leads to women feeling less lovable for having made a mistake, whereas a man will either fix it and be satisfied with himself, or dismiss the mistake as a fluke unrelated to his worth as a mate.

    Your Highness Meggrz,
    Clear and very good description of a natural sex difference. Thanks. It’s in my collection now.
    Guy

    • Meggrz

      I can’t take all the credit, I just finished Brené Brown’s newest book – Daring Greatly – and I can’t keep from recommending it to everyone.

      If you’ve never heard of her, Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame – for a impactful talk on what she does, just watch her first TED talk on Vulnerability: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

      In daily living, the most pronounced parallel I find between her work and yours, Guy, is that femininity (and masculinity – the real kind, not just machismo) as you describe it, often requires boatloads of vulnerability as she defines it.

      Your Highness Meggrz,

      Sure about boatloads. I advocate females following their hearts, i.e., their female nature as God, Nature, and hormones urge them onward and upward. In the face of Nature and facing off with men to brighten their future, it requires courage to conquer fear and determination to initiate makes her vulnerable.

      Actually, making herself vulnerable adds markedly to a woman’s femininity, but moderns have been taught that vulnerable is poison to female well-being.

      Guy

      • SouthernBelle

        Interesting perspective regarding Brene Brown’s observations and Sir Guy’s WWNH. I find them in direct opposition when it comes to relationships with men and women. Sir Guy are you familiar with Brene Brown’s talk/book on vulnerability? I’d be quite interested in your perspective.

        Your Highness SouthernBelle,

        Not familiar with her book but saw the TED.com video.

        I’m unsure how you found ‘direct opposition’. To me, we’re in sync. I pointed this out to Meggerz above.

        I advocate females following their hearts, i.e., their female nature as God, Nature, and hormones urge them onward and upward. In the face of Nature and facing off with men to brighten their future, it requires courage to conquer fear and determination to initiate makes her vulnerable.

        Actually, making herself vulnerable adds markedly to a woman’s femininity, but moderns have been taught that vulnerable is poison to female well-being.

        Guy

        • SouthernBelle

          Oh geez. I’m confused. I thought being hard-headed meant not disclosing feelings and affections until after marriage or at least significant signs of devotion are present. This conundrum of “keeping your heart open” versus “guarding your heart” while dating/courting just feels like navigating a land mine. Trusting my heart in the past has had mixed results of joy and pain so I find myself much more guarded.

          Your Highness SouthernBelle,

          Perhaps your confusion can be assuaged with these principles.

          • Use your hard-headed nature before marriage in order to get your way when guys insist you do what isn’t in your best interest.

          • Use your soft-hearted nature after marriage in order to persuade husband to do what is in your mutual best interest.

          • Full disclosure works against you, because you will be judged when a guy knows your whole life and story. So, disclosure of feelings and emotions should follow a guy earning those ‘prizes’.

          • Dating/courting is navigating land mines for gals. Men are neither open nor honest and never candid except as gals encourage them to talk about themselves. Only then do gals find out what character traits they are dealing with.

          Follow the above and ‘heart open’ and ‘guarded heart’ become easier to prescribe for yourself.

          Guy

          • curlyblondy

            i, too, am wondering about sir guy’s take on the balance between non-disclosure and vulnerability 🙂 and, when do you know you are acting vulnerable? i have almost never felt emotionally vulnerable, even though i am very open about my feelings and show my true self. looking forward to hear what you have to say 🙂

            Your Highness Curlyblondy,

            The balance is between disclosure and fear and between fear and vulnerability. If fearful of what disclosure might bring, keep your mouth shut. If fearful that something will go wrong for you, live with your fear in order to prevent enabling vulnerability. It’s not complex if you listen to your heart of hearts. Only you know what’s best for you in any situation. Also, you know how to read red flags and it takes only a short study to read every man.

            You are vulnerable anytime you conquer fear and move forward. If you have no fear to conquer, you’ve confirmed yourself as invulnerable. If you have no fear of being dumped, you’re not vulnerable. No fear and you say, “Oh, well, I’m not surprised, no biggie.”

            Guy

            • Meggrz

              Wow, good discussion CurlyBlondy and SouthernBelle, and of course, Guy!

              Brene Brown does a wonderful job talking about this misconception (that vulnerability = oversharing) in the book. From Daring Greatly:

              “Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure, and it’s not celebrity-style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process.”

              She also later talks about how often oversharing is often used as a defense mechanism. We expose too much, too soon, to people who haven’t earned it, and when they are intimidated or put off by it, we can blame -them- for ‘not accepting me as I am’ or ‘being afraid of intimacy.’

              One of the parallels to WWNH, is that having firm boundaries, and telling people when the step over them is actually a great act of vulnerability. Another is the process of building intimacy and trust through progressively more and more vulnerability. I think that act of slowly winning a man’s devotion without him noticing what’s going on is womankind’s superpower. THAT is how we are “relationship experts.” I now think of the devotion talked about here as a form of emotional intimacy (though many a man would recoil from that term). A man is devoted to you when his happiness is pinned to your happiness, and that doesn’t happen overnight.

              • My Husband's Wife

                Wow, you guys…I had just listened to a Brené Brown seminar and what do you know, I see this conversation in the comments here! What a coincidence and a great discussion here.

                I do have another question regarding the statement: “Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process.”
                Sir Guy talked about how this works for women, however—men are different in that they process feelings in a different way so they are less likely to use “feeling” language and to be right in touch with their feelings at every given moment like women. What does this mean for men and vulnerability?

                Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
                Making oneself vulnerable is contrary to the interest of men. Prevention of it is a far greater need to sustain a dominant role than is exposing one’s feeling to be better understood, which may falsely seem to be in a man’s interest. But it invites vulnerability, and men instinctively dodge that.
                Guy

            • curlyblondy

              this, i think, i must process over time. that last sentence of yours is chilllingly fitting.

              thank you meggrz as well for sharing 🙂

              • Meggrz

                My Husband’s Wife,

                While I haven’t delved into Brown’s research on men’s experience of shame, she summarizes it in her later TED talk, Listening to Shame: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

                She also has an audio book on the differences between how men and women experience shame called “Men, Women, and Worthiness.”

                Here’s a brief summary of the difference: women experience shame as a result of a web of competing desires (to be be thin, beautiful, put-together, kind, soft-spoken, immaculately tidy, a supportive wife, a brilliant cook, a caring mother, a corporate climber, etc. – or to put it simply, effortlessly perfect in every way), and usually it is inflicted by comparing ourselves to other women.

                Men experience shame as a result of only one thing – appearing weak – and it is usually inflicted by the women in their lives. This leads men to avoid vulnerability, because it is often (erroneously) associated with weakness.

                In actuality, vulnerability can be a great act of courage and strength.

                Here’s an example, I was having dinner with my boyfriend and a few of his friends and was teasing him about something I thought was silly. Hours later, when we were alone, he told me I had hurt his feelings. This was vulnerability on his part. Now, I could have easily said “Well that’s a silly thing to get upset about! Grow thicker skin!” and closed the door on that type of communication. Instead, it gave me the opportunity to recognize my misstep, apologize, and reassure him. It opened the door a little more, for both of us to talk about our feelings.

                In all honesty, I also I think his willingness to be open is courageous, masculine, and a mark of real confidence.

                Your Highness Meggrz,

                Thanks for an informative comment.

                I like Brown’s definition of the relationships of guilt and shame. Guilt arises out of what you do. Shame arises out of who you think you are.

                As to your boyfriend, note that he waited until you were alone to express his feelings. Had he done it before others, he would have appeared weak. Men dodge that quite naturally. Being vulnerable before you is a good sign that he respects you and he thus laid groundwork to keep you nearby. Of course, you like the courageous, masculine, and confident signs of his character. Win-win.

                Guy

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