2369. Advisory for Men #05b


46. You men don’t like to listen to female advice, but here’s one lady who understands life and how the sexes differ. At post 2365 Her Highness Ari earns her place this way in the panoply of compatibility experts and blog heroes: “To put it in perspective for the men…criticism of your woman’s cooking is the equivalent of a lady’s criticism of her man’s sexual ability….”

47. Women seek equality; men seek fairness. Equality is impossible to achieve and make it stick; it takes a threat to convince, force to impose, and it never stabilizes a situation. There’s always more to do. OTOH, fairness has guided judges to settle disputes for centuries; it takes persuasion to convince and power to enforce. You’re on the right side of that PC dichotomy, so stick to your masculine nature. Fairness vs. equality is just part of human nature and battle of the sexes.

48. If you marry you want a virtuous woman, but modern women are so loose that virtue appears hard to find. It just seems that way. It takes time. While you look for weaknesses to get her into bed, you will quite naturally discover and assess every woman by how many and what kind of her qualities can you admire. Each becomes a virtue in your eyes; someone will ‘graduate’ into virtuous. Later you’ll find yourself fascinated by her and followed by the promise that she can improve your life. Gotta keep looking.

 

6 Comments

Filed under Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, sex differences

6 responses to “2369. Advisory for Men #05b

  1. Sir Guy,

    This newlywed is in need of your expert advice:
    Frequently my husband gets frustrated that we don’t yet own a house and aren’t going to in the near future. I never say anything about not owning a house or not having enough $. In fact, I think we (and when I say we I mean he because I have no income) are doing quite well for our age and stage in life. A house doesn’t just fall out of thin air, all good things take hard work, ya know. That said, I think the main reason we can’t save for a house is he doesn’t make it a priority. For example, if I suggest we rent rather than buy a movie, he says no and just buys it because it’s easier. If I suggest we wait until salmon goes on sale to get it, he says no and just buys it because “what difference will $5 make”?

    When it comes to myself I am thrifty. For example, all of my maternity clothes come from 2nd hand stores. When I grocery shop I look for sales and buy store brand whenever possible. He is the opposite of thrifty. He buys whatever he wants when he wants it (he would buy me anything I wanted too if I asked but I don’t). That’s all fine and dandy, it is his $ after all, but it seems silly to get so upset about bills or that we don’t own a house when he doesn’t make much of an effort to save.

    Usually when he gets grouchy about it, I tell him I’m just happy having a roof over my head with heat for the winter because if it weren’t for him I’d have to take out loans for those things. He doesn’t seem comforted by this. Secretly I think if he wants a house so badly than why doesn’t he act like it: buy 1 rather than 4 video games in month, buy a 12 pack of beer instead of a 30 pack per week, spend the Walmart Gift card on necessities rather than on luxuries just because it was for Xmas, and then put the savings from those things toward a down payment. Of course I don’t say that because nobody appreciates unsolicited advice. I don’t know if he doesn’t believe that seemingly small changes will add up or if it’s an ego thing like “We shouldn’t have to worry about finances with my job”.

    Is there any way to indirectly and inoffensively encourage him to change his spending habits to favor saving for a down payment or will he just have to figure it out on his own and perhaps never will?
    When he gets grouchy about bills or not owning a house, any advice on what I can say or do to snap him out of it?

    Your Highness Anonymous,

    Remember how he treated you until he won you? He’d do anything YOU wanted without a quibble. Early school days, recall?

    He wants to fulfill your hopes and dreams but you say, “I tell him I’m just happy having a roof over my head with heat for the winter.” It’s nurturing him into not feeling bad; not a good game plan.

    You don’t have a dream to have your own home so he can’t get excited about ‘rescuing you’, because he wouldn’t be buying a home because you want it.

    I suggest you slowly start dreaming out loud about having your own home. Keep up your frugal habits but don’t say anything about his spending. Let him handle the accumulation of money, or perhaps start a little jar of savings in the kitchen to supplement his savings to show support and remind frequently. Then, see what happens.

    He’s been so INTO you since day one, and men work and live in the present to fulfill dreams. His dream is fulfilling yours, but you have to have one. So change your mindset. You DO want a home of your own, however long it takes and however long you dedicate yourself to supporting his dream of providing it.

    Things are very promising simply because you’re tied up with him and his desire to fulfill what you want. A gazillion women wish they had your ‘problem’.

    Guy

    P.S. I’m so pleased for and proud of you. I think you first visited the blog your frosh or soph year at Dartmouth. Now headed for Med school with great hubby and expecting baby. You’re a great role model.
    G.

    • The results are always favorable when we women listen to men about men: I arrived home yesterday with multiple packs of paper towels and instead of announcing the great bargain I had found, I proclaimed that when we have a house of our own I want a large shelf to store bulk items without clutter. Husband said, “Okay wifey, whatever you want. If the house doesn’t come with a shelf we’ll get someone to build one”. Then this morning as I prepared to leave for the gym, I said, “when we get a house we can have a home gym, right?” He said yes and gave me a smooch.

      Meow Meow described it well: I was afraid of being “princessy”. Like if I expressed my dreams for a house it would come across as ungrateful for what he does now. But it appears husband doesn’t take it like that.

      P.S. Frosh year at Dartmouth the week before Christmas. If not exactly 5 years to the day I got engaged then darn close 🙂

      • My Husband's Wife

        Thank you Anonymous for sharing your dilemma about how to approach a “want” from your husband. Sir Guy’s answer helped me too as I’ve realized that for 18 years, I don’t think I’ve ever made a want known because: 1. I do not want to sound/appear ungrateful for what I do have, and 2. I do not want to be too “princessy”. I guess there’s a balance to everything.

        P.S. I loved your husband’s response to the shelf and the home gym comment. Very sweet story 🙂

  2. Sir Guy’s suggestions for Anonymous above are very wise, including, “I suggest you slowly start dreaming out loud about having your own home.”

    I too have fallen into that game many times, because it feels so counter intuitive. I wish to comfort hubby, to assure him I am quite happy….and he wishes to go forth and conquer, to provide something for us. I just depress the poor man by assuring him I don’t need it. 😉

    Your Highness Insanitybytes22,
    Exactly. Wish I could be so concise with accuracy.
    Guy

    • Meow Meow

      I think maybe this “Princessy” behavior of having big dreams (for the family) is inspiring to a man, gives him something to shoot for! We try to be modest, we don’t want to be like the Kardashians, but having a hope for something does not have to mean we are acting entitled.

      I was surprised too, to realize this…when I say “I don’t need it” and act all self-sufficient, he is at a loss for something heroic to do. One thing if I don’t want the latest doodad, but maybe another thing if it is actually something or a goal that could improve life for the family as a whole. Maybe a home, maybe getting out of debt or a bad neighborhood.

  3. Ari

    Dear Sir Guy,
    Very well said!
    Thank you for all your work on here. You are very much appreciated ❤

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