The OOPS! of post 2375 is hereby recalled. Item 76 in 2374 is restored. (Thanks for the encouraging feedback, ladies. Also to Some Other Guy)
Themes. It takes his woman to teach a man how to be a better lover. After all, she’s the judge of what satisfies her cravings, hopes and dreams, or expectations for their bedtime relationship. (I’m hopeful of eventually producing a series to show wives how to do some innocent teaching and improve their sex life.)
Background. As of today, wives won’t, don’t, or can’t teach their man to do better. It’s a well-understood and defensible position that smart women take. They are instinctively smart regarding stronger persons; they keep possibly offensive opinions to themselves. Smart wives prefer having a poor lover than do without a man who is better for many other things that are more important in a woman’s life. Sex to her in intercourse-only lovemaking is just household duty—perhaps enjoyable if she’s lucky, but more likely not.
A good lover to one woman can be a flop with another. High quality lovemaking takes a team and he’s as good a leader as he prioritizes her expectations above his; good leaders take care of their followers’ needs ahead of their own. Else, they don’t lead but command and that makes a lovemaking leader less than good and weakens his woman’s interest in being dependent on him and his leadership.
Women are born to recognize they should seek dependence on someone else. It naturally generates the desire to want a man as mate. Men have many strengths that females lack, and so women seek to take advantage. Each woman has sexual assets by which to recruit someone to depend upon. It’s another female trait that God and Nature provide to encourage compatibility.
Women through lessons learned in life also develop and strengthen a sense of independence, and it often conflicts with their ability to capture and keep a man as mate. One gigantic measure of the good man is his satisfying the challenge of having his wife depend upon him. Her independence, however, can push her toward a man less good at caring for his mate. High quality lovemaking both encourages dependence and discourages her independence. Low quality produces opposite effects.
High and low quality, what’s the difference? Low as in wham, bam, thank you, ma’am. The male game of intercourse and little else that doesn’t fulfill a woman’s interest and need.
High quality as in she’s loaded up before, during, and after intercourse with intimate thoughts and emotional confirmations; those that arise out of his ability to gently and encouragingly control her with his touch and thereby confirm her presence, value, and importance.
Without her thinking about it, high quality lovemaking convinces that she’s more important than he is to himself, that he can’t do without her in his life. With her heart glued to such emotional hopes, it’s impossible for her to think other than affirmatively of him during their sexual encounters. Her satisfied cravings morph into dependence on him.
Lovemaking. Those intimate thoughts and emotional confirmations arise out of her arousal in foreplay, intercourse with special consideration to sustain her arousal, and after-play that includes a quieter and more docile form of aroused connection. That of being almost babied with much holding, caressing, and snuggling. Such after-play intimacy—sparked by memory and lingering arousal—adds the third round of confirmations of her importance in his and her life.
After an orgasm, men are famous for losing interest in their partner and flopping aside to smoke or sleep. Mission complete or so they expect. However, after-play is probably more important for women than foreplay, which is more important than intercourse, and which men proudly rely on as their manly exhibition of ability as lovers.
If she gets to one or more, her orgasms are great. However, her intimate thoughts about self-worth and self-importance are hitched more to her arousal than climax and more to holding and caressing after intercourse than being shrugged off as if he’s through with her for now.
High quality works something like this. Husband does some romancing to warm her up mentally for foreplay. Then, he goes into his foreplay routine. He kisses passionately, plays with her body, stimulates erogenous zones, and puts forth extra effort and extends himself to arouse her sexually before intercourse. No hurry, he’s patient, he brings her along on the tippy-toes of ever-increasing arousal for many minutes until he hears her readiness words, “I want you.”
His patience and sweet talk in romance and foreplay bring her into a state of aroused bliss; that’s the intimacy she craves. The arousal and aroused process please her more than the actual climax. Deeply aroused through all three phases of one sexual experience, it dynamically confirms and reinforces her importance to him, which re-ignites her sense of self-importance and willingness to depend on him.
Her primal motivation in sexual encounters is to prove her importance to herself, and his high quality lovemaking does it by proving her importance to him. It’s the deep and sustained arousal that seals the deal even more than orgasm. He does the arousal and gets credit for it. She goes through the orgasmic throes, and so she gets the credit. Crediting him is more important than crediting herself, which adds further to his trustworthiness.
OTOH, low quality, intercourse-only, and little or no arousal in their lovemaking renders her unimportant in his eyes even though she may get a small but inadequate sense of her importance to him. Over time, low quality lovemaking can demean her self-importance as just his receptacle.
Low quality lovemaking shows that he can’t be all that depended upon to satisfy her wants. She looks at it less to be dependent, and it generates the need for more independence, which puts negative pressures against both harmony and compatibility.
No right or wrong answers apply except as individual couples balance the woman’s independence and dependence based on husband’s ability to lead her effectively in their lovemaking.
Women marry expecting to be dependent on husband. They also determine individually just what good lovemaking is by how it pleases them and their expectations. High quality lovemaking keeps her in the dependent frame of mind; he’s very satisfying and she doesn’t want to lose him. Low quality lovemaking pressures her toward independence; she needs compensation for not feeling adequate enough, and so she looks to improve her sense of self-importance outside the bed and, perhaps even, outside the home.
The quality of a couple’s lovemaking helps determine how a wife remains dependent on her husband. High quality lovemaking treats her so well sexually that he’s trustworthy too. Low quality convinces her of the need for more independence of self. So, in the end, the husband determines with his lovemaking skills whether he’s the leader she craves. It’s not their most important marital interaction, but it registers deep inside her about the sincerity of his love on which she expects to be dependent.