2376. Advisory for Men #09 — Lovemaking

The OOPS! of post 2375 is hereby recalled. Item 76 in 2374 is restored. (Thanks for the encouraging feedback, ladies. Also to Some Other Guy)

Themes. It takes his woman to teach a man how to be a better lover. After all, she’s the judge of what satisfies her cravings, hopes and dreams, or expectations for their bedtime relationship. (I’m hopeful of eventually producing a series to show wives how to do some innocent teaching and improve their sex life.)

Background. As of today, wives won’t, don’t, or can’t teach their man to do better. It’s a well-understood and defensible position that smart women take. They are instinctively smart regarding stronger persons; they keep possibly offensive opinions to themselves. Smart wives prefer having a poor lover than do without a man who is better for many other things that are more important in a woman’s life. Sex to her in intercourse-only lovemaking is just household duty—perhaps enjoyable if she’s lucky, but more likely not.

A good lover to one woman can be a flop with another. High quality lovemaking takes a team and he’s as good a leader as he prioritizes her expectations above his; good leaders take care of their followers’ needs ahead of their own. Else, they don’t lead but command and that makes a lovemaking leader less than good and weakens his woman’s interest in being dependent on him and his leadership.

Women are born to recognize they should seek dependence on someone else. It naturally generates the desire to want a man as mate. Men have many strengths that females lack, and so women seek to take advantage. Each woman has sexual assets by which to recruit someone to depend upon. It’s another female trait that God and Nature provide to encourage compatibility.

Women through lessons learned in life also develop and strengthen a sense of independence, and it often conflicts with their ability to capture and keep a man as mate. One gigantic measure of the good man is his satisfying the challenge of having his wife depend upon him. Her independence, however, can push her toward a man less good at caring for his mate. High quality lovemaking both encourages dependence and discourages her independence. Low quality produces opposite effects.

High and low quality, what’s the difference? Low as in wham, bam, thank you, ma’am. The male game of intercourse and little else that doesn’t fulfill a woman’s interest and need.

High quality as in she’s loaded up before, during, and after intercourse with intimate thoughts and emotional confirmations; those that arise out of his ability to gently and encouragingly control her with his touch and thereby confirm her presence, value, and importance.

Without her thinking about it, high quality lovemaking convinces that she’s more important than he is to himself, that he can’t do without her in his life. With her heart glued to such emotional hopes, it’s impossible for her to think other than affirmatively of him during their sexual encounters. Her satisfied cravings morph into dependence on him.

Lovemaking. Those intimate thoughts and emotional confirmations arise out of her arousal in foreplay, intercourse with special consideration to sustain her arousal, and after-play that includes a quieter and more docile form of aroused connection. That of being almost babied with much holding, caressing, and snuggling. Such after-play intimacy—sparked by memory and lingering arousal—adds the third round of confirmations of her importance in his and her life.

After an orgasm, men are famous for losing interest in their partner and flopping aside to smoke or sleep. Mission complete or so they expect. However, after-play is probably more important for women than foreplay, which is more important than intercourse, and which men proudly rely on as their manly exhibition of ability as lovers.

If she gets to one or more, her orgasms are great. However, her intimate thoughts about self-worth and self-importance are hitched more to her arousal than climax and more to holding and caressing after intercourse than being shrugged off as if he’s through with her for now.

High quality works something like this. Husband does some romancing to warm her up mentally for foreplay. Then, he goes into his foreplay routine. He kisses passionately, plays with her body, stimulates erogenous zones, and puts forth extra effort and extends himself to arouse her sexually before intercourse. No hurry, he’s patient, he brings her along on the tippy-toes of ever-increasing arousal for many minutes until he hears her readiness words, “I want you.”

His patience and sweet talk in romance and foreplay bring her into a state of aroused bliss; that’s the intimacy she craves. The arousal and aroused process please her more than the actual climax. Deeply aroused through all three phases of one sexual experience, it dynamically confirms and reinforces her importance to him, which re-ignites her sense of self-importance and willingness to depend on him.

Her primal motivation in sexual encounters is to prove her importance to herself, and his high quality lovemaking does it by proving her importance to him. It’s the deep and sustained arousal that seals the deal even more than orgasm. He does the arousal and gets credit for it. She goes through the orgasmic throes, and so she gets the credit. Crediting him is more important than crediting herself, which adds further to his trustworthiness.

OTOH, low quality, intercourse-only, and little or no arousal in their lovemaking renders her unimportant in his eyes even though she may get a small but inadequate sense of her importance to him. Over time, low quality lovemaking can demean her self-importance as just his receptacle.

Low quality lovemaking shows that he can’t be all that depended upon to satisfy her wants. She looks at it less to be dependent, and it generates the need for more independence, which puts negative pressures against both harmony and compatibility.

No right or wrong answers apply except as individual couples balance the woman’s independence and dependence based on husband’s ability to lead her effectively in their lovemaking.


Women marry expecting to be dependent on husband. They also determine individually just what good lovemaking is by how it pleases them and their expectations. High quality lovemaking keeps her in the dependent frame of mind; he’s very satisfying and she doesn’t want to lose him. Low quality lovemaking pressures her toward independence; she needs compensation for not feeling adequate enough, and so she looks to improve her sense of self-importance outside the bed and, perhaps even, outside the home.

The quality of a couple’s lovemaking helps determine how a wife remains dependent on her husband. High quality lovemaking treats her so well sexually that he’s trustworthy too. Low quality convinces her of the need for more independence of self. So, in the end, the husband determines with his lovemaking skills whether he’s the leader she craves. It’s not their most important marital interaction, but it registers deep inside her about the sincerity of his love on which she expects to be dependent.


Filed under Dear daughter, marriage, sex differences

7 responses to “2376. Advisory for Men #09 — Lovemaking

  1. Well said. Female desire is a complex thing indeed. Dependence is a good way to describe the essence of it, as well as submission. What tends to create desire is the nature of the exchange going on. In a somewhat clinical explanation, women exchange sex for protection, provision, loyalty, intimacy. We tend to like men powerful enough to go out and slay dragons, but soft enough to be intimate with us. Something I think the world gets wrong, sex is profound and vitally important to women, it carries more meaning and weight than it does for men. We speak about men being sex obsessed, having powerful urges, and act as if women have no desires at all, as if we are just passive recipients. Something my husband told me long ago, women need sex even more than men do. Ha! He may well have just been trying to create that much desired dependence, but I think there’s some wisdom there. In the olden days, when women didn’t have healthy sex lives, some scientists believed it would drive us insane. If you equate sex with intimacy, emotional connection, security, than that becomes rather true. In that context, sex is vitally important to women’s well being.

  2. MLaRowe

    Thanks for restoring that. I agree especially about the afterward part. If a man really wanted to stand out and make an unforgettable impression he would follow all of this advice.

  3. SouthernBelle

    While I whole-heartedly agree with this concept that more thoughtful lover more focused on her binds her more to him. I don’t quite understand how a good lover translates to more trustworthiness. Is he more trustworthy because this shows he is more dedicated to her than to himself?

    For pre-marriage relationships it seems to me that some men learn how to please a woman and date “well” even for lengthy periods of time but show other signs that have me question their trustworthiness for the long-haul of marriage. How then should a lady discern this type of man for further investment? When to cut him loose or invest/ observe further while balancing guarding her heart and being femininely vulnerable.

    “Crediting him is more important than crediting herself, which adds further to his trustworthiness.”

    Your Highness SouthernBelle,
    A good lover invests himself in satisfying her interest prioritized over his own. It earns her respect that he would do it for her. Respect someone and trust naturally comes with it until reason arises why trusting someone is not the right thing to do. Unless he does wrong things in lovemaking, the good lover is almost automatically trustworthy until his actions show otherwise.

  4. Some Other Guy

    The above is all very valid and well said. In addition, you have lots of couples where there is a near constant tension and underlying sense of conflict that no amount of good sexual technique will ever be able to make up for. After all who wants to have sex with someone they are always arguing with?

    Sir Some Other Guy,
    Excellent point. It’s the wrong pointy finger once again. Blame causes argument which builds tension, which negates desire for sex in her, which prompts physicality in him for her refusals, which can prompt violence or rape. When God gave all the chocolate to men so they could get a woman’s attention, He told women not to blame men for they wouldn’t like the attention that men return when blamed.

    • Meow Meow

      I don’t know…sometimes sex is all we have to convey deep feelings that can’t be said. Sex can release tension and sometimes help couples feel “on the same page” again if there are too many arguments. Is a good way to say I’m sorry, or I love you anyway, or there you are, the one who I love….. and many other things just besides I Want Your Body. Or…maybe i’m just being girly and am totally wrong. But i will say sometimes it seemed to allow us to open our hearts to each other again after a fight. Couples that fight are often too much in their own head space instead of using their hearts..

      But getting to the bedroom when your wife/SO is mad can be a problem, I’m not denying….

      • That’s a really good point, Meow Meow. I guess there is good conflict and tension, the kind that leads one to have make up sex, and then there is the kind of tension that makes everyone shut down and avoid each other. The very word “tension” makes me think of sexual tension, as in the opposite of tension could be in a rut, to drift apart, to become bored with one another. There’s a thing on facebook that always makes me laugh. It says, “let’s take this fight to the bedroom where it belongs.” Perhaps knowing how to manage and handle that conflict and tension is key.

        Sir Guy is very right about the blame thing, that blame/shame dichotomy shuts down both men and women, so a huge part of the battle is figuring out how to avoid taking that upon yourself or dumping it on your spouse.

        • Meow Meow

          Yes…the “You were supposed to” blame and the “I’m so stupid, what am I even doing here, I’m not a good partner anyways” shame. Over time is corrosive without frequent fortifying positive communication in bed where we see another side of one’s character…and be reminded that our partner has many aspects to them.

          One thing that is so sad to me is that just getting by/daily life for most people is so hard, that when your partner fails you somehow, we tend to tear each other apart and grow apart. As the rifts widen we start looking elsewhere. Not necessarily even the drama of affairs, but just seeing single life as easier, bringing apathy into a relationship.

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