2385.2 ATTENTION, Ladies: Maturity


I’m way behind in responding to your questions. My blog provider only lists the last 15 comments at sidebar. So, you might want to write the source article of your comments that await my response.

Guy

12 Comments

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12 responses to “2385.2 ATTENTION, Ladies: Maturity

  1. Tee Tee

    Good morning Sir,

    I haven’t asked this question anywhere else on your blog, but I’ll take this opportunity to ask here.

    Currently, i”m engaged, 1 year this coming March. He and I have been in constant “negotiation” for me staying home after we marry. He agreed 2017 I can do this because he expects a pay raise later this year, but he says he believes women who want to stay home are lazy. This is based on the fact that his Mom is a very hard worker and takes care of everyone in her home financially. He believes women should work hard to make a good salary.

    I realize I cannot change him, but i’m wondering from the outside looking in if his belief is a red flag? I dont want to work a job at all. I’d much rather have the freedom to pursue my crafts and other interests while maintaining our relationship and our home, regardless if we have children or not.

    Is a housewife with no children lazy? He agreed for me to stop work in 2017, but his beliefs are negative towards housewives/moms…am I setting myself up to live with a resentful and unhappy man?

    Thank you for your time!

    Your Highness Tee Tee,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Yes to both, red flag and “setting myself up to live with a resentful and unhappy man….”

    Guy

    • curlyblondy

      i too am wondering if being a housewife is “enough”. i feel that i can work all day on home matters with only five minutes to sit and eat lunch, but it still feels like it’s not as much work as people who are employed. i’m not sure if this notion is my own or projected opinions of others. i feel a bit guilty. what i’ve heard from men is that they too would like to stay home if they could. and from mentors, that i would not be living up to potential. meanwhile i want to do my share. sir guy, i know you say not to justify ourselves to others, but i must be able to do so to myself. what is a girl to think or do?

      Your Highness Curlyblondy,
      I responded with today’s article, 2389. Thanks for the inspiration.
      Guy

      • Miss Gina

        Your Highness Curlyblondy,

        “Enough” is as you and your husband decide it. There will be people who will disagree with whatever you decide. Their opinion is unimportant.

        There is a stereotype of the stay-at-home wife who never gets dressed and watches Oprah all day or whatever. So, get up and make sure you look smashing every day. Then people will whisper about why you feel the need to primp and dress so well just for being around the house!

        Many people who work outside the home waste a lot of their time. From extended coffee and smoking breaks to poor organization, doing personal business on company time, and excessive chatting and texting, the possibilities are endless. Be assured that few are going to count that in your favor in their judgments of your activities.

        Please take into account that most of the critical people are simply jealous. They would like to be home but lack the backbone to make it happen, so they find excuses to put down those with the moxie to live out their dreams. Same thing would happen, no matter what your dream was.

        And who is to say that a paying job is contributing more to the world than being available to help out a sick neighbor?

        There is nothing wrong with organizing your time at home to have enough breaks during the day so that when hubby comes home, you are still fresh and energetic. A wife who can listen sympathetically, get a great dinner on and off the table and leave the kitchen clean, have the laundry done and his work clothes respectable-looking, and do all of it while looking happy and staying sweet is a particularly valuable woman.

        As for what a woman might spend her day at home doing, there are so many possibilities. Some women run part-time businesses. One woman I know uses her craft and design skills to refinish old furniture and elaborately decorate her home for very little money. She makes her home far more valuable at sale time and accumulates valuable furnishings at little cost. Hearing about her projects makes me tired! Some women contribute to the community by volunteering. Others help out with family, neighbors, or friends in need of care. The great thing is that you can choose any and all you want to do.

        I have been where you are and understand that it can be hard. I worked full time for a short time before realizing it wasn’t for me while raising kids. Because of our financial situation, I often have worked part-time jobs, helped my husband in his business, or had my own part-time business. My father harshly judged my choices, as he had “higher” aspirations for me, and our relationship was difficult. But I knew these were his ideas for me and not what was best. (He has recently apologized.)

        Others have tried to foist their ideas on me, also, but who is to say what kind of work is most valuable on this earth? My husband is happy; my kids are happy and well-adjusted. I have had the chance to make a difference in my nieces’ and nephews lives, as well as others I wouldn’t have otherwise…I wonder how things turned out for those who condemned me then? (Just referring to those people, not everyone who works outside the home.) I found friends who were like-minded (there are plenty of them) and tuned out the rest.

        P.S.– Outside of some kind of actual sin, feelings of guilt are a red flag that there are attempts to manipulate and control going on.

        (Sigh) I always tell myself, that this time, I’m not going to get involved in writing a long response. It actually takes more time to write fewer words!
        😀

        Your Highness Miss Gina,
        Well done. And I agree with “It actually takes more time to write fewer words!”
        Guy

        • curlyblondy

          thank you miss Gina. you are and know some great women 🙂 i would not care so much about what acquaintances said, but it is actually also my husband who thinks i have lots of time free while i really don’t. but he seems happy to think so, so there are no actual problems.

          • Miss Gina

            Lady Curlyblondy,

            I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were married. Hard for me to keep everyone here straight in my mind, being a visual person. I do understand about husband thinking you have free time. Has happened to me, also. I wonder if the opportunity might present itself to ask for his assistance on some of those tasks that seem so simple to him… 😉

            Both men and women have been propagandized with all of this baloney that devalues stay-at-home women. It is in our interest to implement a stealth campaign to counteract this. I think with time, as you describe your days and their foibles over the course of the years, he may come to see the value of the time you spend. Trying some of your tasks for himself may give him an idea, too.

            Recently, I was ill and my husband had to do much of our cooking and cleanup for several months. He started describing one day how tired he was by the time he got finished getting ready in the morning and cooking breakfast, but then he had to spend a full day working and then there was more cooking and cleanup to do…My response: Thanks and…Yep! 😀

            • curlyblondy

              thank you dear Miss Gina, i appreciate all you have shared 🙂 and i hope you have recovered from being ill.

              a funny story 😉 life will probably sort itself out. although there is no rush: i love feeding my husband. it can be just like the ballet, you don’t have to process all the work behind, which makes it all the more pleasant to watch.

  2. thetruth01

    Hello Sir Guy,

    I came to the realization that I am very immature and I am making little efforts to change that. I am “dating” a guy I thought I wanted to be with he is domineering and possessive. Although I love those qualities about him he has qualities I don’t like. We are having sex and the first sexual encounter between us was forced, but I have this need to be owned in my relationships and I can see how it causes him to lose more respect from me. But me being a difficult women I don’t mind fighting him to get what I want. He is a womanizer as well and I have let him know I know he has other women and its unacceptable and that I’m not going wait around while he behaves that way. What has caused me to break up with him is that my friend would flirt with him and he started to act on it which resulted in him touching her butt. I have warned him numerous times if he wants to be with her go to her which even resulted in him slapping me because I tried to leave him. He says he just wants to have sex with her, but be with me. I know the situation is bad, but I have my side of the story which is basically I act the same way he does I just never tried to sleep with his friends. I’m a flirt and I can be extreme I just stop before it turns into sex. I don’t think I am ready or need to be with a good guy? Or do I just have to grow up to want better and be better. I’m 23 and he is 33.

    Your Highness Thetruth01,

    You already know the first part of my response. You grew up physically but didn’t graduate mentally into adulthood. You recognize your immaturity, and that’s your only real problem. Turn mature and you can turn your life around.

    You’re trying to find happiness in sex and adolescent values and expectations. It’s caused by inability or lack of determination to identify your adult best interest. You ignored that natural process both before and after puberty.

    The following concepts and ideas may help you figure out what’s best for you and your future. In each case, the more mature choice is the second option or obvious opposite:
    1. Are you more interested in present rather than future matters about life?
    2. Do you want a man for now or eternal marriage?
    3. Sex does not bond a man to you as you to him. Withholding sex earns a man’s respect, which is the foundation of a man’s love.
    4. Examine why you feel comfortable with an older man. The wish to be dominated does not allow you to blossom into an effective wife, mother, friend, lover, and grannie. So why seek it?
    5. Who’s more important regardless of who he is? You, him, or us as a couple. You can’t be mature unless you say ‘us’.
    6. What were your childhood dreams of your life as a woman? Career or marriage? If both, which is most important? A man can let a good wife dominate the operation of his castle, when it’s her primary job.
    7. Do you depend on others to show gratitude for you? Or, are you all by yourself grateful for who and what you are in life?
    8. Are you grateful and can you show it routinely for those with whom you associate?
    9. Do you have the character strength to deny sex to those men with whom you’ve already shared it? Could you start over protecting your sexual assets to maximize the benefits they can add to your life?
    10. Are you living up to anyone bigger or higher than yourself and the men in your life?
    11. Do you seek immediate gratification or can you go along with not getting what you want?
    12. Can you strengthen these female qualities: mystery, modesty, maturity, monogamous spirit, patience, and learn to use indirectness as opposed to the directness that men use?
    13. Do you respect women more than men? Or the opposite?
    14. Do you make decision according to your mind and what will work, or follow your heart and instincts regardless of consequences?
    15. Can you ID the difference between following your mind and following your heart?
    16. Do you really need any man you currently know? What does your dream boat appear to be? Not in looks but in character.
    17. Why would you want a domineering and possessive man? With such a man, you can’t have his respect, which means that he can’t love you as you expect to be loved.
    18. Why do you admit this? “I don’t think I am ready or need to be with a good guy?” Don’t you deserve it? Why not? Are you not following your female heart to get what you want out of life?
    19. You make mistakes. So what? We all do, and it means that recovery is everything. Do you have the personal strength to take greater control of your life?
    20. Are you depressed or fearful? Then, action cures both depression and fear.

    Honey, I’ve tried to throw some ideas and concepts at you to consider about how to improve on your recognized immaturity. I hope they are clear enough and help.

    Guy

    • thetruth01

      Thanks Sir Guy,
      After spending a few days rereading your response I started to think about my future and what it would be like to continue this dysfunctional relationship. All the things I ignored about being with my ex started to hurt me because I know that I have no future with him. In a way I feel addicted to him, but I don’t want to waste my time. I haven’t contacted him for a week and I plan on keeping it that way. When he does call me or find a way to run into me, I’m not sure exactly what I should say.

      Your Highness Thetruth01,
      Say nothing more than absolutely necessary. Especially don’t complain and don’t explain. Let questions arise in his mind and thoughts bestir his conscience.
      Guy

  3. Maddy

    Hi Sir Guy
    So glad you’re back!
    I wrote a question at the source article “Blog 2339. Suggestions for Raising Children — Part XIII”. Questions pasted below 🙂

    Hi Sir Guy

    If you are inclined to – could you elaborate further on how to teach children deferred gratification? How early to start teaching? Examples, hypothetical situations in daily life? The “Marshmellow” test?
    Also, what are your thoughts on “Controlled Crying” and if approved, what age to use it?

    Maddy

    Your Highness Maddy,

    Thanks for the reminder of my overlooking your question.

    I’m not familiar with the modern terms about marshmallows and controlled crying. They have to do with lessons learned rather than birth traits.

    However, teaching deferred gratification is another matter. For example, mom lets kids hear her statements or declamations such as:

    1. No, I don’t cut the cake until your dad gets home.

    2. Shoot, I can’t go see aunt Claire until the pie finishes baking.

    3. I know you like that TV show, but your room is not tidied up yet. Chores always come first.

    4. I know you want to swim, but you know the rule. If your big brother is not available to join you, it’s no swim for you alone.

    5. No candy before dinner and no dessert if you don’t eat an adequate dinner.

    6. Thanks, sweetheart, for mowing the lawn. The surprise I promised? You will get it tomorrow—and love it.

    Teaching deferred gratification is teaching how priorities work and authorities are satisfied in life. Deferral is thus made the decision of the child by learning the rules and priorities of home and life.

    Guy

    • Maddy

      Thank you Sir Guy!

      I have another question! (so much to learn!) Its primarily concerns my Dad but I’m asking because it may impact on my husband in the future.

      My Dad is quite controlling – I have observed my Mom using many of your teachings but he’s become a very bitter man due to other circumstances including the loss of his own son some 30 years ago (from Leukemia when his only son was 8 years old) and a conviction that all people in business are greedy/money hungry vultures and that’s he’s a “sucker” if he accommodates anyone else. He is very caught up in how “wronged” he has been in life.
      This manifests itself into a very controlling attitude towards his remaining two kids (myself and my sister) – he has effectively made every major decision in our lives for fear of us making a mistake – what career, who to marry, how to invest our money etc.
      I’ve just gone along to get along throughout all this and listened to him on everything. But my concern is if he chooses to treat my husband the same way – that will be very hard to manage.
      How to mitigate/prepare for this? I’ve read your Grandmother’s sabotage articles (very helpful!) but I think this might be slightly different? Could you give me examples of what to say and do. Right now its all good because my Dad respects my husband for the decisions he has made so far. But one bad decision could jeopardize this and he holds grudges! (I became unstuck when I wanted to pursue a career in nursing and since then every decision I’ve made has been tainted due to this one “bad” decision! (I’m not in nursing, I’m in a boring desk job as an actuarial analyst!)
      I thought men were supposed to Mellow out as they aged due to lower testosterone levels???

      Maddy

      Your Highness Maddy,

      Some men mellow earlier than others. I suggest this for you. At the first hint that your father judges your husband badly and says anything derogatory, sit him down alone, stand in front of him, perhaps shake your finger, and all in a way he has never seen you before. Use shock and awe—or he won’t believe you—in the process of declaring the following in very clear terms.

      “Dad, don’t do it. Don’t bad mouth my husband for what you don’t like. To do so is to lose me as your daughter.”

      Impress him with that simple declaration to know that your heart has spoken and your threat is sincere. Just state it; don’t try to convince him or complain or explain further. Then move on to other things as if nothing happened.

      Guy

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