2398. PROVERBS — Marriage 05


  1. He needs a place to flop daily and recover to fight the dragons tomorrow. She needs a brighter future, such as building a good man’s castle can provide.
  2. It’s a natural trade-off. He governs present-day matters and she oversees their future interests. She plans the details of what he chooses to ignore or not plan.
  3. He pleases her by fulfilling her wish list for his behavior. She pleases him by respecting, admiring, and depending on his accomplishments.
  4. She willingly and happily nurtures and cares for others. He seldom volunteers on such matters. Except to please himself or her, he just doesn’t care to do it.
  5. If he can’t do something very well, he avoids it; e.g., nursing care. If she can’t do something well, she tries harder or solicits help from someone or elsewhere.
  6. Women pursue sex for intimacy; men pursue it for self-admiration, confirmation of dominance, and to prove their sexual ability.
  7. Immediate gratification isn’t essential to feel good. Inexpensively reward yourself each time you avoid a big purchase or an unplanned big expense.
  8. Reward yourself and inspire and develop new habits; e.g., reward yourself for staying within budget, meeting saving goals, and avoiding credit card interest.
  9. Romantic love fades a year or two after conquest. Enduring love requires her man’s respect that she earned before conquest and continues to maintain.
  10. Respect trumps love. If a mother’s love isn’t predominantly based on respect as person, child, and boy or girl and unselfishly shown, then it isn’t mother-love.

5 Comments

Filed under How she wins, marriage, nurturing, sex differences

5 responses to “2398. PROVERBS — Marriage 05

  1. Meow Meow

    Dear Sir Guy,
    I’m so in love with this post. Very clear, very succinct, a quick reminder about what’s important and what my responsibilities are (and aren’t) as I start my day everyday as a married lady. Smiles to you!

  2. MLaRowe

    Dear Sir Guy,

    About number 10 I’m hoping you can help me?

    I’m not feeling like I’m doing a very good job with my eight year old (headstrong? defiant?) son. He has a good reputation with his teachers but at home he is often resistant.

    I’m trying to admire him and stay positive in my corrections of his behavior (think typical 8 year old boy behavior like burping at the dinner table). Usually I threaten to take away his electronics as a punishment and that seems to work but is there a better way?

    I don’t really know that I’m getting my point across because he is still wanting/doing whatever he thinks is right, fun or funny. He is completely unlike my daughter who responds very quickly to suggestion/direction.

    I could probably read a good book on the subject but there are so many I don’t know which one to choose.

    Your Highness MLaRowe,

    I’m glad to say you’re doing the wrong thing but only slightly left of what’s right. To wit:

    • If you threaten, you’re showing disrespect. He immediately disagrees with you so you put yourself in competition. Good leaders avoid that.

    • Burping at the table makes you think you’re somehow responsible to make him ‘grow up’. Children are self-developers and need guidance and not demands about simple things they are learning to do, not do, and live with.

    • You’re not getting your points across because you’re trying too hard and too diligently to correct things of minor consequence that he will learn to do right when he sees that it doesn’t provoke whoever he wants to provoke or whoever currently competes with him about matters of self-development.

    You’re very blessed to be concerned about the most minor of offenses. Ignore them and they’ll go away. Perhaps not as fast as you wish, but faster than the way you’re going with him.

    Parenthetically, a parent who squats down on a kid’s every ‘offense’ is showing the lack of respect. It’s ungood. Motherly patience can produce far more progress. Change your behavior from correction to just a glance that registers disappointment (without threat), and see if it doesn’t help a lot. Let him learn there’s no fight in your disapproving glances but opportunities to turn you around about his actions.

    Guy

    • MLaRowe

      Thank you. I have a lot to work on.

      My own parents were hands-off about most things (which I now often see as neglect). Maybe I’ve been overcompensating

      Your Highness MLaRowe,
      Maybe it wasn’t neglect but wisdom. Why don’t you analyze it more deeply?
      Guy

      • MLaRowe

        Thanks. I will try.

        They bounced back and forth between being part of the hippie “Me” generation and a more old school way of raising children (which is how they were raised). My mother was a teacher so maybe her training taught her things like you are suggesting.

        Still, I want to hover (read: control-yikes) more than they did. They had different challenges in their house (financial concerns and a lack of support with my maternal grandparents 2 states away) while I was growing up then I have in mine these days.

        Sorry to say I’m just now starting to assign chores (that could have happened before now). And homework/ music practice are a near daily battle (hence a threat of taking away phone/electronics when they don’t comply).

        Feel like I’m saying too much but if I’m doing it all wrong (leadership wise) I want to know so I can begin correcting my approach now.

        Your Highness MLaRowe,

        You sound well balanced in your efforts.

        However, think on these things regarding taking away phone/electronics.

        1. Standardize your own behavior so they learn what to expect when they take the liberty of doing other than what you expect. If you’re unpredictable to them, they will be the same with you.

        2. Don’t think you have to punish; you should just send reminders that temporarily annoy them. Take light action they can easily live with, just reminders of wrongdoing and not punishment. They’re still good; they just goofed that time.

        3. Dump the responsibility in their laps to develop in harmony with you. Don’t make them look bad or as malcontents or prisoners in their own home. Don’t ground or take phone/electronics for a week, make it two days. Do so lovingly and sympathetically but as your duty to enforce family standards and expectations. Skate yourself out of the role of punisher but with responsibility to do good for and by the family. Enable them to develop themselves into more predictable family members.

        4. Threats don’t work well, because they pit two antagonists in competition. The child looks for ways to fool you or escape but still do what he wants to do. IOW, threats give them opportunity to win against you.

        5. Change your threats to a strong glare that implies “You are wrong to do that!” Then, when the child missteps first time if they know better and second time if they don’t, do what they expect you to do when they overstep your expectations. Take the competition out of it. Be judgmental and act gently but firmly when they don’t measure up to your expectations.

        6. The less they know of your intention, the more respect they will show. They will test you so that they learn where the boundaries are. Don’t make them mad about learning but proud by calmly accepting discipline, because you make your sanctions in their view not as bad as their misbehavior.

        7. Stick to your word, and don’t let them talk you out of it. Once said, it’s law, so be careful before you speak. Do exactly what you say you will do, unless the situation changes drastically and is caused by someone other than the culprit or you being wrong in your judgment and not theirs. Disregard your guilt unless you were wrong in the first place.

        8. Don’t do it for spite or punishment. Do it as reminder that mom means what she expects and says and little ones have to live the same way. Not because they’re bad, but because mom says so and they can do it differently when they are parents.

        Try that; it may help.

        Guy

        • MLaRowe

          Thank you dear Sir Guy.

          I appreciate your detailed descriptions. I’m looking forward to perfecting my new mom “look” that will help guide them without words. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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