2414. Sexual Attractiveness Fades Away — II


Women don’t always want to know what they should know about men. Before we start, you’re right. It isn’t fair, but life is described here. It’s another view of how men are born to regard women in their lives.

Women come in three versions and very differently defined by each man: attractive enough to keep nearby temporarily or permanently, attractive enough to take to bed, and none of the above. From his inborn nature and lessons learned in life, each man makes his own evaluations and determines how each female fits into his life.

Love works differently for the sexes. Females need it, and they love in a hope-filled relationship. It’s planned to be endless, but often something major happens with which they can’t live.

Self-love and being aware that she’s pretty are inborn traits. Some girls are unwittingly raised, however, to feel otherwise or opposite about themselves. They are the most vulnerable to self-victimize in that which follows.

Men appreciate being loved but are far pickier than women about loving someone. A man’s love is based on respect of a woman, how attractively well she pleases what he sees, how likeable she is to be with, how likeable he is to her, and how loyal she is to him. It’s a continuing relationship in which living together is expected to make both more likeable and loyal to the other.

Some wives purposely or ignorantly disregard that part of the female nature that motivates them to live a good life with a good man, in which case they become less likeable to their man. Husband is left to adjust to her changes, but his natural motivation resists change to please anyone but himself. Or, unable to like how she changes, he adjusts to living a separate life under the same roof with her or seeks another woman and another roof. (Men absolutely need only a place to flop, eat, throw their things, and have them readily available next day. Almost any woman can accommodate a man she loves in exchange for his presence in her life.)

Women tend to feel free to let themselves go after capturing the man they love. They find their niche in life, and it enables them to relax and back off from searching. Unfortunately for many, it includes the feminist-inspired envy of doing whatever her man does. She tries to duplicate the extra relaxations in life that the male gender seems to have, such as responsible mostly for self, relaxed living, sloppy appearance, and especially overeating to a heavier body.

No husband would consciously grant those privileges, but women don’t let that stop them. They strive for equal outcomes and take advantage of what appears to be husband’s dutiful acquiescence. Unfortunately, such women miss what’s happening in their man’s heart.

Most husbands don’t consider an overweight wife as disqualifying herself. They learn to adjust and live with their woman’s presumption of a ‘right’ to match his tendency to overeat, but the story doesn’t end there.

If his wife remains the same as the woman he married, he’s satisfied with his accomplishment and his sense of significance goes untarnished, which continually adds to her likeability. To the extent his wife changes and downgrades below his present-day expectations, his satisfaction with past accomplishments slides downward and adversely impacts his sense of significance.

(You may recall from earlier posts, a man’s greatest fear is insignificance, and especially when his mate causes or suggests it. A woman’s greatest fear is abandonment. Yet, the fatter she gets, the more he withdraws from her and the closer she gets to being left alone. His love may moderate his decisions. However, contrary to the female motto that love conquers all, it doesn’t ALWAYS conquer a wife’s turning herself to gluttony or slow expansion with fat.)

It can be but isn’t necessarily a wife’s fattened body per se, but the impact it has on her likeability. How much does continuing likeability depend on husband’s eyes? Many marriages survive the wife’s expanding girth, but how does it impact other factors in his view of her likeability? Does his affection drop off? Fewer gifts? Less devotion? Less respect? Less loyalty? Less attention to her? Less regard for her opinions and interests? Less grateful for her influence in public, among friends and family? Less appreciation of her importance to him? More sourness in his moods? More withdrawal from her influence? More time away from the home and more interests outside? Hints of infidelity? Does she get pushed onto the back burner of his life?

Women have mistakenly convinced themselves that sexy is more important than attractiveness in the eyes of men. Reality: Since they act it, women must think excess fat doesn’t interfere with sex appeal. Husbands still want sex, so a fat wife can perhaps service him sexually, but can she hold his devotion with a body turned less appealing?

Overweight single women can capture some man’s attention, but can they hold it after yielding for conquest? Does she lack his respect in the morning? Does he call as he promised?

It’s an epidemic. Girls duplicate their moms and later copy peers by overeating as matter of habit. They either ignore, learn as adults, or never learn that excess fat interferes tremendously with the masculine definition of eye candy, female beauty. If fat interferes with beauty, it must interfere with attractiveness, and that interferes with manly desire for sex.

Several generations of women are not aware of how they’re discriminated against for the long term just because of unattractive fat. Reality: Men spend more time imagining than viewing her vagina, thinking what he can or will do to it. Men use it frequently and conveniently and eventually he becomes aware that more fat than he married interferes with his access either physically, mentally, or both.

Except incidentally and imaginatively, her vagina has almost nothing to do with what men marry for permanence. Each man’s eyes determine beauty, and it’s beauty that starts him to hope, find, court, and win his idea of an attractive woman as permanent mate.

Ladies, keep the body shape you had at the altar; that’s the one he married and expects never to change. Men don’t pay attention to wrinkles, neither theirs nor yours. Don’t think that wrinkles hidden by fat is good, or that weight loss means wrinkles that disfigure you. Each man pays attention to his own version of a sexually attractive body. One distorted by fat disturbs his viewing whereas wrinkles can fit in okay with manly acceptance of aging.

Moreover, men see an ever-fattening female body as reflecting poor strength of character to maintain her likeability and thus preserve her loyalty to him. He can’t be very likeable to her, if she’s so inconsiderate as to distort his viewing and make unsatisfactory his vision of who she is to him. Her worth grows the more he just enjoys looking at her. It’s the magnet that keeps her as his greatest interest.

19 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she loses, marriage, sex differences

19 responses to “2414. Sexual Attractiveness Fades Away — II

  1. Etu

    One time I was given the advice of a guy I was seeing, “Don’t lose your curves. just tone them.” I am about 10 lbs overweight..I had a hard time feeling sorry for myself because he was right! When I asked him to ‘flex his muscles’, he didn’t have those big guns like I thought he would due to his job. I didn’t say a word about improvement (how could I lol) but he then said ‘I’m going to start lifting weights for you.” These are just memories that are brought to mind reading this installment!

    Your Highness Etu,
    Excellent story. Thanks.
    Guy

  2. Ahh, you are brave.

    I quite agree, except I would add that there is just a spark of life that is attractive when people are actively taking care of themselves. When we are moping about in a pair of old sweats with our hair uncombed, even being trim and in good shape is erased. So while weight matters, I suspect it is the internal attitude that is even more damaging, the having thrown in the towel and let yourself go, that feels so unappealing.

    This sounds about right, “Moreover, men see an ever-fattening female body as reflecting poor strength of character to maintain her likeability and thus preserve her loyalty to him.” Men tell me it feels like disrespect, as if we don’t care about them, as if we no longer believe they’re worthy of appealing to.

    Your Highness Insanitybytes22,
    As usual, darling, you smoothed out, de-wrinkled as it were, the carpet of intelligent living. Thanks.
    Guy

  3. Anonymous

    “They strive for equal outcomes and take advantage of what appears to be husband’s dutiful acquiescence.” (gives chills)

    “Men don’t pay attention to wrinkles, neither theirs nor yours. Don’t think that wrinkles hidden by fat is good, or that weight loss means wrinkles that disfigure you.” (gives hope)

    Recently used up anti-aging serum and don’t plan on repurchasing it or any other. Going to moisturize and makeup, for sure, but moving away from the acids and the facial skin plumpers. They are very expensive, and a better use of time and money is exercise and health (credit to wwnh for that understanding). It’s a little scary to watch body tone relax as years pass, but better to know where best to focus self improvement efforts. 🙂

  4. Cocoa

    Dear sir Guy, in my view, your last paragraph sums it all.
    If she has no self control/love/discipline to take care of her own body, how can he trust her to take care of him, home, budget and the kids.

    Very true and courageous article that is free from the non ending political correctness that is contaminating our lives.

    Ladies, let’s keep our bodies in a good shape as much as we could, I know it’s harder as we age, but if we train to eat less it will become a habit. Remember it’s a temple for God. Let’s also, keep our spirit young, uplifted and free.

  5. Cocoa

    Sir Guy, I have a question about men who indulge in food, a lot of food.
    How can we as women fairly look at this? Should we look at it as is is their nature? Is there a limit to this indulgent? If a man likes food in general but try to take care of himself for whatever reason, health or looks, can we say that this man have some feminine energy? If you can draw some light on food and males and where to draw the line that would be great…

    Your Highness Cocoa,
    I draw the line at the difference in primal motivation. Women seek self-importance, which of necessity has to include how she relates with others. Men, OTOH, seek self-admiration, which as a matter of their nature doesn’t require the involvement of others. So, when a man finds a lot of admiration in eating, he tends to find it satisfying and easily make it habitual. A woman is not similarly inclined, unless she learns in life to envy and copy men jealously.
    Guy

    • Cocoa

      I see sir Guy, but in that case wouldn’t men become overweight unless they control this habit? Or do they rely on this side of self admiration when there is little or less happening in other areas in their lives?! Maybe a bad job, not a very happy marriage… I just don’t understand how do men find self admiration in eating? What are they admiring?

      I understand when they admire themselves through work and that’s why it is number one for them , but this eating issue I am not getting it 😥

      And I fully get the woman side, I just feel I need to eat so I don’t starve that’s it. I have my weak points though as I love baking…

      Your Highness Cocoa,

      Eating is accomplishment. Mom makes it a boy’s duty. When a woman cooks for him, it’s his duty to eat and show gratitude. Thus, at the table he faces several accomplishments that provide satisfaction to confirm self-admiration.

      Ever see a man scoot back from table, pat his mid-section, and smile satisfactorily? His overeating is habit, yes, but it’s also INDIRECTLY done to please others—or at least that’s how it begins as a boy. Plus, there’s the joy of pleasing one’s taste buds.

      Men resist dieting, partially at least, because they feel the sense of letting a woman down—mom who taught him or wife who sustained him so well. When a woman harangues him to lose weight, it goes against his unrecognized sense that it isn’t right. It’s why men have much harder time dieting and losing weight; it goes against habits reinforced all their lives by how women fit in it.

      Guy

      • Meow Meow

        Some men are proud of their big appetites and ability to put away food! Of course, they also naturally have higher metabolisms than we ladies, so unless they aren’t being active/exercising they tend to burn off fat much more quickly.

        • Miss Gina

          Food is one of the great joys of life for men, and it’s perfectly right for them to enjoy it within reason, I think, and as Lady Meow Meow points out, in conjunction with physical activity. I like food, too, but I don’t think it means the same to me as it does to my husband.

          From a moral perspective, gluttony is named as a sin in the Bible for all. I also feel that if I’m working to stay trim, I’d hope for my husband to show his appreciation by reciprocating. (I have noticed that my husband tends to follow my lead in these things.)

          We ladies don’t focus on looks as much as men do, but looks are not nothing to us, either…just as we wouldn’t be attracted to a man who let himself go in other ways, such as unkempt, greasy, straggly hair, as opposed to clean, trimmed, and combed hair.

          • Cocoa

            That true ladies what you describe above and I definitely noticed how men love and enjoy food. But just wondering about this self admiration relation with eating or over eating. Also, you would think that given that men like always to look at and enjoy slimmer and attractive ladies wouldn’t they think slim and trim is a good thing and therefore they enjoy food in limits.

            Again, what’s confusing me is the relationship between eating and self admiration for men. I admire myself when I cook not when I eat and know a lot of men admire their cooking talents (best chefs are males and they tend to be slim as well) …

            Your Highness Cocoa,

            The sexes differ.

            You enjoying cooking more than eating, because as a woman you make yourself important by doing things for others more than pleasing yourself. Men enjoy eating what you produce to satisfy themselves and please the cook.

            As to male chefs, they cook to please themselves with various accomplishments. That is, please themselves more than consumers of their entrees. Of course they enjoy them, but to get compliments is not their primary motivation.

            Guy

  6. singingbird

    This makes sense, Guy. But what do I do? I’m 42 and starting to recover from being underweight from an eating disorder. I have gained weight in the last few months as a part of eating more in my attempt to recover and reverse damage in my body. My boyfriend wants me to recover, but is concerned that I will become overweight. He says his concern is for health reasons, and admits to the sexual attraction piece, which I understand completely. But I have to be careful about “dieting”. Any thoughts on this? Thank you.

    Your Highness Singingbird,

    Honey, you have all it takes in decision-making authority, will power, and patience to balance your intake with slow gain to the level you seek for yourself and also pleases your boyfriend. You have that ability, so thank God in prayer that you already have what it takes. Why pray? Because each prayer that confirms what you already have reinforces your strength to produce what you’re after and with God’s blessing.

    Once you start eating at table, you can easily justify it as nourishment you need to recover, but don’t. You have lots of time to recover, so teach yourself to take small portions and push back after eating the small amount you consider enough. Not enough to gain but enough to sustain progress toward recovery.

    Take the time to feel great at your present weight before you add more than a pound or two. Approach your ‘perfect’ weight very slowly; once you shoot beyond it, meeting both your and boyfriend’s expectations will be evermore difficult.

    It’s all in the mind about what to do and in the heart for how well to do it for both you and boyfriend. ID the weight you seek and take your time to get there so that only a micro change will be required to level off at your selected weight.

    Guy

  7. singingbird

    Guy, this makes sense, and I have eaten healthy foods and taken good care of myself for years. However, in the last few months, I have come to terms with the fact that I have eating disorder problems. I am seeking professional help. In the meantime, I have eaten more food and have gained weight in attempts to recover and be at a normal weight. My boyfriend has been very upset about this and my changing body, and is worried that I will be become overweight or obese. I understand his concerns, but I don’t think I can healthfully be the weight at which he met me two and a half years ago. And in the process of recovery, I am not sure where my weight will end up. Do you have any thoughts or perspective on my situation in regards to your post? Thank you.

    Your Highness Singingbird,

    My response to your former comment still applies.

    Set your sights on the weight you will stop re-emerging from your cocoon of thinness. Rectify in your mind where you are headed (‘weightfully’ as it were) and decide what’s more important. That or boyfriend. Boyfriends do not have to be ‘forever’.

    Don’t listen to boyfriend’s advice, warning, or threats. Tell him what weight you have determined is yours for life, you know how to get there, so just leave you alone to do it. Not that he’s unimportant, but it’s your life to get right and outsiders other than God don’t help.

    Guy

    • Meow Meow

      As an eating disorder survivor myself, I can sadly concur that extreme and sustained thinness can cause lasting damage to the body and mind….and can only wish I had gotten help in time. However although i am still what most people would call “thin”, I am no longer in danger and have more or less maintained the weight I am now for several years. I would say that what worked for me was exactly what Sir Guy suggested: my doctor and I were able to agree on a weight that was healthy, but on the slim side, and gave me a 2–5 pound “Wiggle Room” that if i gained weight or experienced bloating/hormonal water gain during my period, and started to feel uncomfortable, i wouldn’t panic and fall back into the ED. It helped immensely having a steady benchmark for maintenance and helped me put the ED behind me. We like numbers!

      • singingbird

        Thank you very much, Guy, for responding to my double posts! I have since determined that a healthy life is more important than a boyfriend. You’re right that it’s my life to get help. I move forward toward health with prayer and professional help.

        My boyfriend has also come on board with wanting my health and happiness as I recover, but now feels that he has failed and disappointed me. He is stepping back and not sure if he can make me happy. But I am going to recover with or without him.

        Thank you, Meow Meow, for sharing your experience and what helped you.

        Your Highness Singingbird,

        “He is stepping back and not sure if he can make me happy.”

        Tell your boyfriend he’s worrying about the wrong thing. There’s a better way he can help. Pulling back is opposite.

        He has no obligation to make you happy, only to satisfy you that he’s pledged and loyal to you alone. When in doubt, show you more of that with his actions.

        His doing so will enable you to be grateful for yourself, show gratitude for others including him, and that will make you happy during the process you hope to manage well so you can pursue greater happiness in his company.

        Guy

  8. singingbird

    Thanks again, Guy. I would like your perspective and opinion further. We have broken up at last after a few weeks of him not being sure about me as I have gained weight (I needed to) and am seeking recovery from eating disorders.

    Last night, after a few weeks of semi-breakup and talks about ending our relationship, I explained your ideas in my own way:

    “He has no obligation to make you happy, only to satisfy you that he’s pledged and loyal to you alone. When in doubt, show you more of that with his actions.”

    Talk turned instead to the big three issues we have been going over for two and a half years (we each have kids): 1) Sexual intimacy before marriage, which I haven’t allowed to have happen despite our attraction, 2) My need to be with a life partner that seeks to love God and others, and one of those ways is in a community of believers/worshippers (I am very open to what this looks like and he is a fellow Christian but not a regular church-goer), and 3) My idea that an engagement ring proves commitment (I say both people would be ready and it would happen naturally) vs. his idea that ring is a by-product of the commitment that comes first (which I also agree with). He feels pressure to conform to my religious ways and a need for a ring. There is a fourth: he hasn’t sought out to bring our families together and doesn’t really know my kids. He foresees major problems if we blended families with our older children and sees marriage years down the road.

    He feels pressure to conform to my “conditions/ultimatums.” I believe I have presented these as needs and invitations to join me in my life and way of thinking. He says that I’m the right woman for him, but he doesn’t think I’m the right one for him, and he kept repeating that there is someone out there that will make me happy. I have told him along the way that I wasn’t 100% sure about him, that I needed time to figure that out, and I have not demanded marriage (other than I refuse to be intimate before marriage).

    In December, we were semi-broken up for a week, during which I wasn’t sure if I should continue with him. We continued the relationship after he spent a few hours selling himself and our relationship to me. In recent weeks, he has given less and less and shown less action. I have tried to make things happen and keep it all together. He has been unsure about a future with me as I seek ED (eating disorder) recovery. He has done the opposite of selling himself: he has put himself down, described himself as a failure in our relationship, and has tried to convince me that I’m better off with someone else.

    Also in December, he had a hard time with me starting to wear dresses and skirts almost all of the time (a personal experiment I was doing for myself). He saw me changing, kind of like now, and felt I did it because he preferred me in jeans and saw it an intentional action against him. (I have since started wearing jeans again out of personal preference.)

    I guess I’m asking for your perspective to help me see the bigger picture, and any red flags too. I need to move on and recover, and I want to do so with God’s guidance, wisdom, and peace. I want to grow from this and without bitterness or resentment towards him and relationships. I appreciate any insight you can provide.

    Your Highness Singingbird,
    I will respond on Saturday. Going out of town and it’s time to leave.
    Guy

    P.S. Your Highness Singingbird,

    The bigger picture I see is that he’s drifting away but doesn’t want to be blamed or called a failure—by you or anyone else, such as his kids. So, he’s confused and awaits some development that will restore or separate his interest in you. Can’t even commit to interim issues that bring you back together.

    Red flag: Just a suspicion, but…. You are articulate about what you want and expect. So much so, and viewing his actions as reported by you, I suspect that you’ve talked too much about what you expect out of him. Your list of expectations has been expressed enough that he’s scared he will fail or he’s unwilling to go along or both. He prepares ahead of time when you conclude, “He has done the opposite of selling himself: he has put himself down, described himself as a failure in our relationship, and has tried to convince me that I’m better off with someone else.” It sounds like a last resort effort to get more of his way in your relationship. I don’t judge that as good or bad for you; you’ll have to weigh him more closely to see which way he’s truly leaning—–toward or away from you.

    Red flag: He didn’t like skirts and dresses, which tells me he’s oriented more toward pop culture than honoring your desires or femininity.

    Overall, it appears his respect for you is fading, which undermines whatever love he has developed. However, I’m not convinced he intended to mate up with you permanently in the first place. Lack of respect about your preferences about church, God, associating with Christians, blending families, etc.

    Guy

  9. Maddy

    Hi Sir Guy

    My husband and I haven’t had sex for a while, last time it was a month ago, and before that it was a few months. I think the reason is largely twofold – worry that he will hurt our baby (I’m now very visibly pregnant!) and fading sexual attraction as I get bigger – although I am far from overweight, I just have a big bump on an otherwise very slim frame. How long can men go without sex and still be satisfied with their marriage? Could he be perhaps looking at porn? Although, I’m not sure when he could be as we’re always in each other’s company. Could he just have a low sex drive in general? Or is that against the male nature?

    On a side note – he has very growing excitement about become a father. I am excited too because he will be a most excellent dad. But it leads me to something else to contemplate – don’t children have an advantage over Mothers for the love of their dads? It seems to me that a Dad’s love for their children will never ever fade, yet there is risk that a husband’s love could fade for their wives. Could you advise further about how a wife should address this? I think that the strength of love a dad has for their kids is that their offspring are reliant on them for everything – financial, emotional, physical support and protection, whereas wives are not – or at least they should not be seen to be in today’s society. A reason for not marrying a women I daresay is that they are too “clingy” whereas kids are very much expected to be clingy and a dad’s responsibility for them turns to devotion.

    Maddy

    Your Highness Maddy,

    You do know I’m not a doctor, so I can’t answer your questions this time. Pregnancy is a medical condition, but your imagination is not. Also, I always wanted to be a comedian of some sort.

    I’m guessing and trying to entertain you out of your worries, which I know are sincere but they appear unnecessary. You have the world at your feet about to give birth, because now you are the perfect woman as you bravely await the pain to do what only you can do. You’re a study in uniqueness for both yourself and hubby.

    Everyone else is not so well off, so you should share yourself more. Hubby isn’t eager for you anymore for reasons that seem justified to this male mind. Men need a reason to quit. If he thinks you unattractive now, he will get over it if your body comes back slim again. Forgive him silently, so that only you know. If he wants to avoid damage to the baby, he’s ignorant so forgive him silently, so that only you know. If he’s onto porn, it will take time to both find out and perhaps more to cure it—see my seven posts with “porn” in the title (sorry, but my “find” operation is not working. Work on what may or may not come later.

    Your imagination is being used to give you the blues. Action cures everything, so figuratively rape him tonight. Or, if that sounds too tough. Take him by the hand and silently lead him into bed with your intention very obvious; don’t explain and don’t complain. Then you’ll see if you have anything to worry about. Take other actions to prove to yourself if you are right, wrong, or worried uselessly.

    You better see this as the humor intended. What you describe is like you’re laying the groundwork for post-partum depression. I never heard this before, but you may have developed the first case of a new illness, pre-partum blues. As the antecedent, it may bring on post-partum depression. And that takes even more actions to overcome, but soreness will restrict your options. So, less action is required for pre- than post-partum relief, so I suggest conquering it before giving birth.

    Seriously, you should know that it is probably all hormonal. Being pregnant, you should take nothing but what your doctor says. But in preparation for post-partum episodes, you may want to research the adverse effects of too much estrogen and a deficiency of progesterone. Its new to me and I’m researching it, but it appears to have an immense effect on the body of which the mind and imagination are part.

    Guy

    • Maddy

      PS – I am fairly good a pretty time (not the best but working on it) but practically speaking – he sees me every night without make up on before going to bed. But does observe that I dress presentably and put on make up before going to work each day.

    • Miss Gina

      Dear Lady Maddy,

      Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am certain that Sir Guy will have helpful answers from the male perspective. However, is this maybe a subject you can gently approach with your husband? One thought would be to suggest with a wry smile that just because you are pregnant, doesn’t mean you don’t have the same desire as before, and see where that goes.

  10. Maddy

    Thank you Sir Guy and lovely Miss Gina. All is very well between husband and I outside of the bedroom which is why it is very confusing when I feel so much desire for him. But I am thankful. I know I am very well off. He does so much for me that I feel blessed.

  11. My Husband's Wife

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Maddy brings up an interesting characteristic about us ladies which is our intuitiveness in relationships. We can sense the slightest change in the dynamic which sets off our internal inquiry system. We want to find out if there is a cause for concern (we don’t want abandonment) and if there is a problem to seek a solution in order to normalize it again. And sometimes this sensitivity can go into overdrive for various reasons including hormonal changes as you astutely pointed out. Us ladies can react very differently at various times of the month or in pregnancy as hormones play a big part in our sensitivity and how we react to our internal relationship radar system.

    About the bedroom frequency, would it be that as long as his needs are getting met (according to him) he doesn’t keep track or notice any increase or decrease in activity as us women would/do? At least I believe that most women do keep an internal record which we usually don’t talk about unless we sense an issue…would other ladies here agree or disagree?

    Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
    Last para. I agree with first sentence. He is not like her.
    Guy

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s