2422. Marriage Can Last — Part 2 Exploit His Urge to Conquer

Marriages occur and last when women harness and exploit the sexual nature of men. It doesn’t seem fair, but women have the interest, ability, and patience that men lack, and men have the dominance to see that all is done fairly. It’s the root of harmony in the home!

First, both sexes are born to be compatible someday with a mate, and most of us find pleasure getting there. Second, women are born to BE good. Out of that condition spins the good things in this world, as women recruit, exploit, and persuade men to do good. Third, both sexes possess the free will to use their best ability for doing what’s best for them and theirs.

Situation. It began in the Garden of Eden. Man and woman were made perfectly compatible until the snake talked them into imperfection. Nevertheless, we remain endowed with the ability to be compatible with a mate, but it’s currently a whole lot tougher than God intended but probably expected. In my humble opinion, He also gave free will to women, so they can upgrade natural compatibility into a couple’s particular version of harmony in the home. Women are both capable and enthused to use their free will and other unique talents, which I hope becomes even more evident as this series continues.

Motivation. Women are born with the desire to BE good and the free will to choose the how and the what of getting there. Born with hard-headedness and soft-heartedness, a woman concludes that to DO good is to BE good, which both confirms God’s intent and also makes her feel good. In that way, individual females also earn, confirm, and reinforce their sense of self-importance, which is vital for sustaining a relationship with a man.

Men are different. They have the ability to DO good but are born lacking both interest and desire to BE good. Born both hard-headed and hard-hearted, men DO good as they are inspired to want or incentivized to earn something they need.

That’s when women enter the male picture with what men want the most, to conquer attractive women and live with a good woman. It’s that first primal urge to conquer that women have to tame and harness in order to reliably build a family and keep a man.

Energizing a man to DO good is an indirect way of a woman doing good. She is good, when she can inspire a man to DO good. It’s one of the most inspiring and enjoyable goals a woman earns. When a man does DO good, he becomes good to the benefit of his woman and children. Their dependence on his doing good adds much glue to the marital structure and life.

The question: How does she energize, embolden, and encourage a man to DO good? She masters his urge to conquer and slowly shapes it into his doing what pleases him to please her. It follows next post.


Filed under courtship, feminine, Her glory, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

16 responses to “2422. Marriage Can Last — Part 2 Exploit His Urge to Conquer

  1. Edith McKlveen

    How to encourage and embolden indeed. The man I care most about is someone I try very hard to encourage often, finding legitimate reasons to do so that he will accept, keeping in mind that men hate praise for things the feel they have not earned.

    The reality is that he’s done many things that many people recognize as exceptional, and he is an entirely admirable man. But he is just basically uncomfortable with praise. And yet it’s clear he wants it. His behavior and conversation show he is dying to be praised.

    Your Highness Edith McKlveen,
    First, don’t be so obvious and focus on his accomplishments, things that he enjoys doing well. Don’t avoid but don’t expect praise for character to register highly; traits such as his ability to be loved, or honesty, or pleasure to be with. Second, try it indirectly: tell others and perhaps even his parents when he’s not around. Perhaps it will feed back to him from others. You may find a way that he enjoys.


    How to do that we’ll . . . I’D sure like to know.


      Sir Guy, I am now officially tied in a knot from trying to be not-obvious. I get what you’re saying, but I don’t know quite how to implement it. So, questions for you:

      Is it wrong to ever say to a man at all, “I admire you . . . because you are a decent, hardworking, honest, loyal, compassionate, faithful, godly man”? IT’S NOT WRONG BUT MOST LIKELY UNPRODUCTIVE. YOU MAY LIKE TO HEAR SUCH THINGS, BUT MEN AREN’T ALL THAT CAPTIVATED BY YOUR WORDS OF ADMIRATION. THEY LIKE ACTIONS THAT REFLECT ADMIRATION, INDIRECTLY THE IS.

      I could say that kind of stuff and be totally lying or trying to suck up, but seriously, I’m not. I really am not. All of that is at the top of his human résumé, written in blood, sweat, and tears. He’s fully human, fully cranky, individualistic, beset with fears, eccentricities, prejudices . . . but he also can be described as admirable for the reasons I’ve listed. SURE HE CAN BE DESCRIBED THAT WAY, BUT DO YOU EARN POINTS WHEN YOU SAY IT? PERHAPS, BUT NOT LIKELY.

      I’ve seen it, I’ve heard it, I’ve experienced it; others have seen it, heard it, experienced it.

      When I say something encouraging about his behavior or speech or manner of dress or *whatever*, I always do what I was taught in school to do with persuasive essays . . . I provide examples with footnotes. I point to specific, unarguable things that are not just coming out of my head. I point to things that people universally agree on. In other words, “I admire you because you are X, Y, and Z, and you did A, B, and C.” A CONSCIENTIOUS MAN WHO VALUES HIMSELF HIGHLY AS A PRODUCER PRIMARILY EARNS HIS SELF-ADMIRATION; HE DOESN’T GET WHAT HE SEEKS BY LISTENING TO OTHERS, ESPECIALLY IF HE’S SHORT OF SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-IMAGE. SO, YOUR COMMENTS DON’T CARRY MUCH WEIGHT WITH HIM.

      If he responds, I take the opportunity to say something else encouraging. If he doesn’t respond, I just wait until the next time I have on my calendar to communicate–the start of the month, or a holiday or whatever comes up. I SUGGEST YOU SHIFT YOUR PLANNING TO FIND ACTIONS THAT SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION AND DON’T EVEN PUSH HARD ON THEM. HE, AS A GOOD MAN, NEEDS LITTLE OR FEW CONFIRMATIONS OF WHAT HE DOES DAILY TO ADMIRE AND SATISFY HIMSELF. (HE ALSO SOUNDS A LITTLE INEXPERIENCED DEALING WITH PEOPLE IN A KIND WAY.)

      This is not a matter of, “I am crazy about this man, and I want to use his nature and his ego to catch him and get what I want.” This is a matter of I want to truly show him the respect and admiration he is due because he is a man made by God for a purpose, and he is trying harder than any other man I have ever known to walk the walk, though life has in many ways cut his legs off.

      We had a brief conversation Sunday about the coming week, and I said it would be good because God would make it good. I sent him an e-mail to which he responded, “Well, That’s more than a weeks worth of good wisdom and encouragement. Have a strong and successful week as well. Always look for the 4 leaf clover but relish being in a lush green field of 3 leafers!” I saw this as an amazing bounty of sincere communication.

      This is what I sent him that got such a response. I won’t apologize for length: I am an English major and a woman. I figure it’s worth maybe a B minus.

      >>Yesterday, you said (about dealing with the stuff of everyday life), “I’m trying.”

      >>The Christian life is so full of situations (isn’t it) where God seems to be saying that, no matter what the outcome, we have to get in there and try as hard as we can.

      >>We may end up losing sleep, missing meals, having to put friendships on the back burner, living with a sense of insecurity and frustration, bearing the scorn of others who think we are fools. But we keep going, no matter how unsatisfying the situation, because we know that what we are doing is worth the effort. We know, we absolutely know, that because of our efforts, somehow, God will produce results that are for our good and his glory.

      >>There are, however, circumstances in which, no matter how much we try our hardest to do the right thing and honor God in the doing, there is no satisfaction in our efforts, and the results are clearly horrible, not what God wants at all.

      >>That’s because (I think) those are circumstances in which God wants us to step back, recognize our total inability, and ask for help. Help ultimately from Him, but also, in very practical terms, help from other people. Doesn’t matter if we’re in a situation where we *should* be able to get something done because we *do* have the knowledge and skills. Doesn’t matter if we’re in a situation where we *should* be able to figure out what to do because God has given us the kind of brain that works best in challenging situations that other people walk away from.

      >>Sometimes we have to give up before we start. Sometimes we have to consider our particular problem-solving gifts from God as so much trash and say, to God and other people, “I just can’t do this. Not at all. Can you help me?”

      >>When I said, of your impending dental filling and blood donation, that it seemed like people were going to be sucking things out of you, you said that the dentist would be putting something in you (a filling), and “that’ll be the first time someone has given me something.”

      >>People who are very good at problem-solving do tend to get in situations where they spend all their time doing for others who are less capable. And because they are so good at it, problem solvers do get a lot of praise and recognition. So there’s a lot of reinforcement for going it alone and never looking needy, weak, lonely, lacking in resources.

      >>The result is that, if it sounds and looks like I don’t need anything from anybody, nobody will ever give me anything. They’ll give stuff to people who clearly need it.

      >>A Christian man is most manly when he knows the appropriate times to take on a task alone and the appropriate times to turn to somebody and say, “I absolutely need to do this, but I can’t do it by myself. Please. Help. Me.”

      >>My prayer for you this week will be that God will give you joy in solving problems that He has *just for you* to solve. And that he also will give you the joy of recognizing your limits, asking for help, and being given (in the most perfect way) all the time, energy, and resources that you need.

      • That Horse Is Dead

        Lady Edith,
        You remind me if my best friend and I mean that as a total compliment. That being said, one of her biggest problems is that she isolates people by giving unsolicited advice albeit with good intentions. She has a heart of gold yet people are continually rejecting her good intentions She is one of the most nurturing and loving people I know but she’s also a mom of three boys. Your comment to your man rings of what she writes to me and is quite motherly.

        • You are so right.

          I struggle with the human tendency to stick my nose in. I do it in of course a woman’s way. (I had a male friend in college and right after who took every comment I made about my life and plans as a sign that I wanted him to tell me how to fix some problem, even when I was just b.s.-ing about what I’d like to do for the summer or whatever).

          Because I was bullied growing up (and had a male friend who was bullied as well), I became aware early on of what damage indifference and misunderstanding and rejection can to to anybody.

          Admittedly, I also learned how to respond to bullying by putting on an air of moral superiority and manipulating situations with kindness and guilt.

          God has been dealing with me my whole life about the kind of person I am when it comes to sympathy and encouragement. I know as I did not know twenty years ago that not everyone needs tender-heartedness every time.

          It never really occurred to me until I found WWNH that my genuine desire to be helpful and encouraging to a man could come off as patronizing and insulting and smothering. I think learning to gently sit on my tendencies or channel them has been very beneficial in my growth as a human being.

          That said, I am who I am. I am not ashamed of my personality, my upbringing, my education, my experiences . . . not ashamed of anything that has shaped me.

          I am who I am, and my friend clearly wants and needs support and encouragement. As I try my best, things will either sort themselves in some positive way, and we will both learn and grow and win, or we won’t.

          Being motherly is the least of my worries.

          • That Horse Is Dead

            Lady Edith,

            I identify with what you say about the bullying as I know my friend’s upbringing as well. She is a very strong woman, doesn’t back down but never loses her cool, and good in business negotiations. Her depth of insight and desire to explore situations is what I rarely find in another person. We’ve even been known to get into heated discussions because she’s so convinced that this person or that person needs to understand her position and I keep telling her that not everyone is like that, especially extremely logical thinkers who are less intense. Most people would think our discussions are from another planet. I like how you describe “gently sit on my tendencies and channel them.” Being motherly and nurturing is a wonderful thing, but it’s not what leaves a man thinking about you when you’re not there.

          • Ari

            Lady Edith,
            I have learned that being motherly toward a man does not necessarily turn him on to a woman. And sexual interest is important if trying to captivate a man…at least I believe it is.
            A man must be left to make his own decisions (he doesn’t need my help). Should not be told what to do (how will he lead our home if I treat him as a child?). I would like to see you succeed with this gentleman.
            But I am curious, has he asked you for this support and encouragement? And while you are offering him such great support, how does he fulfill and enrich your life?

            Your Highness Ari,

            You’re right about being motherly; men don’t take kindly to the lack of respect that comes with it.

            Your middle paragraph is particularly relevant for all relationships.


            • Yes, he has asked for my support and encouragement. But upn until recently, I was unwilling to give it because I wanted to do it my way and get what I wanted out of it.

              He has made my life so much richer by being a model for kindness, loyalty, perseverance in the face of difficulty. I told him in church one day, after an exceptionally hard week at work, that he inspired me to keep going. “I figure if you can put up with work and keep going, so can I.”

              And for folks who are not religious, this won’t make sense, but the first time I heard him pray in church, I just got all heart-melty.

              For me as a Christian, it is his desire to love and serve God and love and serve other people that makes him so appealing. That motivation directs and disciplines his personality and quirks in ways that make him such an amazing guy. Without God, he would be one egotistical, selfish, cynical SOB, and I would not give him the time of day.

              And of course, without God, I would be the female version of the same.

              In terms of making his own decisions, after a week of us talking–mostly by texting–about providing flowers at church for Easter, he came and shared my bulletin at the Good Friday service.

              A small gesture, a small gift, and one that was totally his decision.

              By the way, Happy Easter!

  2. So, having digested a lot in the past few days, my question now is, how could I translate anything I’d like to say into actions?

    I went out and bought a variety of flowers which he, with experience working in a florist’s shop, organized in the sanctuary to great effect for Easter. Sunday morning, he stopped where I was sitting to describe what he did to get everything organized. I said, “It’s a privilege to be part of a creative effort on this scale.” A little more chit-chat about this and that, and the conversation ended.

    Keeping in mind everything that’s been said here, I’ve decided to lay aside my program of encouragement and wait to see if he misses any of it and contacts me for whatever reason.

    Cause you folks are right. I think he understands that I’m now open once more to the idea of friendship and seeing where it goes, but it’s the old story: if I’m flapping my gums, then how can he say or do anything, and how can I really know if he’s showing more interest himself or if he’s just doing what his mama taught him (when a lady says something to you, be polite and respond) . . .

    I may not hear a thing from him, in which case I’ll need to get busy and focus more on spring cleaning, yard work, time spent with long-time friends . . .

    But if he does contact me for some reason, how do I as a very verbal person channel anything into concrete actions that he would feel comfortable with?

    Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,
    Immediately below, That Horse Is Dead offers good suggestions and options. Better a woman than a man on this one.

    • That Horse Is Dead

      Lady Edith,
      I’d wait for him to make the next move toward you and then follow his leading. Maybe the action you take is to allow him to lead. And if you don’t hear from him without marking your calendar, well then he doesn’t see you for the gem that you are and is he really worth it? Yes, he may be a good man, but the man who sells himself to you is the one you want to consider for Mr. Good Enough. I wouldn’t be giving more to him than he’s giving to you. If weeks and weeks go by, well then go out and learn a new hobby or have a very clean house or a new garden, etc. If he does contact you, I don’t think you suddenly have to become a quiet person because this isn’t your personality. Just stop with the encouragement and exhorting. Find something else to talk about. Ask him to teach you something.

      • My Husband's Wife

        I’ve been following this thread and have been thinking about communication between the sexes and how men receive messages from women. I have to admit, after 20 years of marriage, it’s tough for me to “admire” a man in a way that registers with him. I can relate to Lady Edith as to how she describes her communication style.

        Sir Guy, would you say according to nature, men don’t receive wordy, flowery, direct communication in a way that translates well? Hearing is not their dominant sense—where I believe hearing is a woman’s dominant sense. So that means that hearing lots of words and compliments is not a man’s primary way to receive messages? On the other hand, I can assure you that us women LOVE to hear communication in the way I just described.

        If so, that would explain a lot. For example: I grew up with all sisters, all female friends and we all speak to each other with direct, flowery, wordy, uplifting, encouraging communication—and we see the other females light up in response. Happy feelings follow. What I described is my “dominant” language style of hearing. However, as good as it works with other women, it seems falls short when dealing with men. It’s not that they don’t hear me, it’s almost like it doesn’t TRANSLATE into something that’s meaningful to THEM.

        After learning at WWNH that men prefer indirectness, would that mean more “non-verbal” communication such as smiles, listening, asking questions, etc. is a man’s natural way of receiving messages and information as you say? A wordy woman can still be loved and cherished, but her words are more just “filler” and they don’t translate as well as indirect actions? And they won’t get the same response that a woman gets when she communicates to other women in this way.

        Therefore, would some women who haven’t had much experience using this indirect communication style (as I can attest to) have to learn to communicate with the language a man best understands (indirectness) and practice it?

        Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,

        You describe the differences almost perfectly. I would add these:

        • Yes, it’s a translation problem based on the relative importance of who’s speaking. Competitors are more important than mates in the men’s world.

        • Men value what they see almost exclusively and convincingly. They accept what they hear from a woman more as ‘okay’ than ‘I’m convinced’. It’s pretty much as if the ‘weaker sex’ is not as believable as the other one.

        • Men believe much better what they hear from men, who are competitors rather than those with whom men won’t compete except for conquest. It’s the nature of the male beast.

        • I particularly confirm what you say with this: “men prefer indirectness, would that mean more ‘non-verbal’ communication [aka actions] such as smiles, listening, asking questions, etc. is a man’s natural way of receiving messages and information as you say?”

        Re your last paragraph. It’s a good practice to develop to help stabilize relationships.


        • Meow Meow

          Even my very extremely talkative husband does not seem to take MY words seriously! Which is distressing…..so I have become much more quiet around him over the years…its more that he wants to be LISTENED to (that seems to register as support to him)….as well as experience my touch, a smile, a calm/gentle nature questions or desiring of his advice…..By talking less I feel that when I do have something to say my words are not taken for granted as much. This wasn’t the happiest thing to realize for me but, instead I talk a lot to my family and girlfriends! And most of all to the Creator…..

          • Spring cleaning is currently a very satisfying activity for me. And there are other activities with girl friends that are on the calendar.

            I am so glad to have women friends I can talk to about stuff. The reality is that I don’t want a close relationship with a man so I can talk about “girl” stuff.

        • My father, born late in life as the only son of a librarian and a hardware store owner, taught me to argue.

          Superior verbal sparring and superior logic were what he expected in most conversations. He for some reason did not have a lot of shallow conversations with his three daughters.

          He himself became a master of these things in dealing with his mother. I have a letter he wrote her explaining why, as a working man and father of small children, he could not drop everything and catch a plane from Texas to Florida every time she hinted in a letter that she and my grandfather were struggling with never clearly specified problems. He bent over backwards to verbally get her to STOP BOTHERING HIM WITH STUPID CRAP. That’s the essence of what he so carefully and pointedly wrote. I love you; I’m 36; leave me alone unless you’re dying.

          I say all that to say it was my father who raised me to believe that a man would never respect me as an equal unless I could go toe to toe verbally.

          Clearly he didn’t do me that big a favor.

          • Miss Gina

            Your Highness Edith,

            Perhaps with some tweaks to your style in the direction of indirectness and mystery, you could really hook some man of interest to you. Men do appreciate intelligence with a touch of sauciness. They also like problem-solving and can be fascinated with verbal puzzles (thinking of you the whole time as a side effect). They just don’t like to be directly be told what to do or be directly proven wrong, esp by a woman. I’m certain that with your skills, you could help any man you choose to conclude for himself that he needs to do X, or that Y is the correct answer. I was much like you, taught to be smart and direct–an English major with an intelligent and argumentative, analytical father. I have learned much here that is helping me get further with all of the males in my life, not just my husband. You sound to me like a girl with the chops to pull some high-level verbal judo. 😄

        • My Husband's Wife

          Dear Sir Guy,
          I appreciate the clarification and now understand better why men prefer the indirect style—I just needed a handsome man to fill in the gaps for me!

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