2430. Dear Edith Mcklveen

Your Highness, at 2428 you inspired this post. You made a marvelous comparison of the blog with your conclusions in real life. I respond here to contrast our conclusions.

Guy: Without change or comment, I present your background as mostly right-on conclusions.

Background: This all [about feminine] reinforces what has been said here in other ways. The realities of men, in terms of how they think and act, are not the realities of women.

What they value, what motivates them, what turns them on and off, what makes them hard-working and loyal or lazy and indifferent . . . they just aren’t the same.

Women who truly want a meaningful relationship with a man have to get over the idea that a man can be changed and trained to think and act and do exactly like a woman. Or that she can “get what she wants” by behaving like a man.

That said, I am convinced that the ideals of male/female compatibility cannot, in all cases, be achieved. In many instances, *both* men and women have to figure out how to deal with the reality that neither of them is a movie star or a billionaire.

For instance, I don’t have a shapely body with untarnished skin. I have bad posture from years of sitting at a desk doing data entry. I have a big belly due to years of being too tired and stressed after work to do exercise or plan and make a healthful meal. I have plenty of sun-damage around my eyes and mouth and on my hands.

Over the past year, I have, by the grace of God, managed to change a lot of habits so that I don’t eat junk food anymore, I exercise regularly, I get more sleep, and I have a better handle on work stress.

But I am not twenty. And if I get married anytime soon, my husband–who himself will not be a young stud–will see that I am certainly not a model. It has been suggested that women of a certain age and body size should find ways to create the, shall we say, impression, of bodily perfection, but when I think of a husband and wife coming together sexually, I keep harking back to the words in Genesis describing Adam and Eve before the Fall: they were (both) naked, and they were not ashamed.

Guy: Let the contrasts begin.

You: I think one of the weaknesses of this blog is that it sometimes creates the impression that a woman who wants a real, loving, respectful, devoted relationship with a man is doomed from the start if she isn’t A) physically perfect and B) isn’t psychologically armor-plated.

Guy: I promote neither, directly that is. Indirectly I imply that those conditions sure help women. More attractiveness energizes more men for conquest and armor plate enables women to hold them off, just as God designs us to do so that we propagate the species. I respond next to the A and B above.

A) If attractive to a man required perfection, men would never stop looking for something better. Once conquered, attractiveness fades and joins her other qualities admired as virtues. Hang a picture on the wall and a week later you won’t notice it; it works that way with female attractiveness. Conquest changes his view to the equivalent of hanging her attractiveness on the wall of his life. He owns her for sex, her attractiveness is conquered, and it no longer motivates him as it did before conquest. Consequently, he moves on to something else in life, other conquests or perhaps frequent and convenient sex if she’s a keeper or booty.

Unless she changes, that is. Then he notices. In fact today, it’s popular for women to change their physical appearance. Not just fat but even tattoos. Flab disturbs the eyes of bachelors and husbands alike. It doesn’t always cause marriages to terminate. But even without trying to conquer, single men turn up their noses at fat women and lesbians recruit them.

Not lack of perfection but unattractiveness that results from lack of female self-respect, personal pride, and self-image that a woman can be better and appear attractive albeit not perfect. Also contributing is lack of feminine respect for men and their eyes, which is fallout from Feminism that blames men for women’s problems.

B) Even from toddlerhood a female is psychologically armor-plated for her age. It flows out of how well she follows what’s in her heart, the way she was born. She knows her assets are too valuable to not protect them. As opposed to what others tell her or she adopts in response to lack of faith and self-confidence that emerges from living through a poor childhood. IOW, her armor is the result of using  free will, which is God-given. She has all she needs, but it’s useless if not used.

You: I am often left with the feeling that there is something wrong with me because I have the personality and experiences and age and body I have, that I am not a tiny Southern belle with a wasp waist and a whispery voice. So if I want a “real” relationship with a man, I have to be fake, the opposite of the woman God made me to be.

Guy: Fakery doesn’t work for the long haul. Your choices made you who and what you are out of what God designed, Nature endowed, and hormones energized throughout your life. God may have guided if you asked His help. Since you’re slightly short of being satisfied with who you are or what you have, did you invoke His guidance enough or just not confer enough?

You seem to be reaching for recovery, so I extend a few suggestions. First accept who and what you are at this time. Second, admit and forgive past mistakes. Third, determine to correct what you can. Fourth, accept that recovery is the best you can do, design what that is, and then do it. Self-honesty and self-forgiveness have a way of improving self-respect, self-worth, and hardening one’s thinking to produce what one pursues. Fifth, seek guidance from God for whatever is lacking.

You: I have reason to believe that almost until my father’s death at age 88, he and my mother had a very good sex life. Which means they *both* accepted each other’s increasing physical imperfections and found ways to support and encourage each other despite not being Venus and Adonis. [Guy: Nicely written item, Edith.]

Guy: Octogenarian orgasm exists. You can plan to make it part of your recovery. Lack of interest, minimal effort, and weakened agility work against it. As men age, they lose testosterone while women lose estrogen. The higher ratio of Big T to estrogen causes them to be hornier late in life. Men swing the other way. If an old man is inclined to please his woman, specializing in woman-pleasing love making instead of just intercourse can strengthen his ego and her pleasure.

Guy: Whoa! Too much in the next paragraph so I number and then respond to each point.

You: [1] This blog creates the impression at times that a man spends his life living a selfish fantasy in which his penis is the most important thing in the world, and [2] finding it a good home (or two or twenty) is more important than anything, and [3] if a woman says, “Hey, buddy, grow up a little,” [4] she will end up alone forever.

That can’t be true. That can’t be the only way.

Guy: Of course it’s not. The blog cites any number of highly respectful and respectable techniques, habits, and accommodations that preserve compatibility. The responses for the numbered items follow.

1) Not selfish but self-centered out of which natural motivation grows. Also, more dreams than fantasy. Little Willie is the most important to him only when hard, because God made him that way by providing his primary sexual urge to conquer attractive women, which is half of God’s design to propagate the species. (For details and the other half see the Marriage Can Last series at 2421.)

2) As long as he has an erection, he looks to use it. It’s his nature. If women don’t like it, they have one option. Capture and tame their man’s primal urges by persuading him that she exclusively holds the promise he seeks in a mate.

3) When she blames him for following his masculine nature, he rejects her judgment as unpromising for the present and especially his future.

4) The major emotional elements of a relationship such as respect, likeability, love, and sex do not hold relationships together. The glue is the absence of little irritants, blame, negative emotions, unappreciated actions, and disparaging comments.

You: I know a young couple that is having problems right now because she (a kick-ass example of all the womanly qualities admired in this blog) has borne her husband four children, is managing her household like a general, and is otherwise adding a brilliant polish to his family name. When she speaks of him, she always talks about his good qualities, how involved he is in the life of his kids . . .

Guy: Problems caused by her doing everything so wonderfully? Something else must be amiss.

You: But apparently, after doing all that, her thanks from him was a poorly timed and poorly expressed observation that she wasn’t attractive anymore because she was fat. And she is not happy. And they are not having sex. And they are in pastoral counseling.

Guy: She is unhappy for disappointing him? One or the other cuts off sex because she disappoints him? What does she expect? Men marry expecting her not to change but she does. Women marry expecting him to change but he doesn’t. She gains weight and he sees unattractiveness, which discourages him for sex. I describe the natural reasons for it in the series Sexual Attractiveness Fades Away at 2413-2414.

Counseling to do what? It sounds like she would seek his acceptance of her weight. Think that will work? See why men shy away from counseling? They are expected to change when it goes against their nature.

You: The husband works really hard to provide for his family, a physically demanding job with crazy hours, and the wife has always made it clear to others how much she values his hard work. [Guy: It sounds like salve applied to guilt for overeating.] She gives him time and space to unwind after work. He loves martial arts movies and also spends a lot of his free time trying to add pounds and muscle to a naturally thin, wiry runner’s frame.

Guy: As he tries to improve his body, she let’s hers go to pot. Her flab strikes his ego as unwanted, and so she praises him and his efforts hoping to compensate and gain his favor. When his wife appears as he expects her not to grow, signs of her respect and dependence disappear. Who’s to blame? The one trying to improve or the one being more highly motivated by taste buds? I’m against pointing the wicked finger of blame, but only the one responsible can correct a problem. To escape blame in a relationship, whoever declares “I’m responsible”  empowers themselves to take action. It seems this wife expects husband to either cure her overweight or forgive her signs of disrespect for the guy who is now denied the role of dominating their relationship.

You: He apparently has a fantasy about how he should be physically and about how his wife should be in order to set off his ninja manliness.

Guy: You call it fantasy, but men dream of what they want. It’s their dreams that jump start their ambitions and produce their accomplishments. She does not get to dominate the home and family until she acknowledges with actions that he dominates her, and that doesn’t come from showing such disrespect that he calls her unattractive.

You: My take on things is that she is doing everything right as presented in this blog. Yet things have been unsatisfying for a while. She is angry because his way of saying thanks for her 24/7 hard work is to tell her he doesn’t find her attractive anymore. He is angry because she can’t get over feeling shame and just “fix things” the way they used to be and give him his sexual fantasies.

Guy: She’s not doing everything right as claimed in the first line. She’s doing  more critical things wrong. For instance, she’s angry at him, unhappy with him, unrewarded for doing what she must figure is wifely duty, shamed by her overeating but blaming him for the end result, and seeks to fix things without restoring her bridal weight or even trying to get close. IOW, she blames him for all her problems and thereby evades any responsibility for correcting their situation.

He may yearn for sexual fantasies but that’s not what has turned him off. Men don’t marry for sex, but when it goes away he’s likely to follow.

You: I certainly understand how a situation like this can develop. Women want a women’s world, and men want a men’s world. It’s human selfishness expressed in different ways. And both people have to get over that selfishness to get from “me” to “we.”

Guy: The woman is the relationship expert. To blend the relationship from “me” to “us” is both her courtship and marital responsibility or it never gets done. Men don’t think in terms of ‘us’ any more than they do about relationship management.

Guy: I comment in caps within your next paragraph.

You: But the idea that it’s all on the women to make things better . . . and if they don’t do it all just right . . . they’ll lose . . . that’s undoubtedly me reading into things, [NO, YOU’RE READING IT RIGHT.] but I will never be able to give a man the fantasy of perfection and gentleness and submissiveness that he craves. [YOU DON’T HAVE TO. THOSE PERFECTIONS ARE NOT WHAT HE’S AFTER. YOU SEE IT THAT WAY BY MISREADING MEN AND THEIR MESSAGES.] I can give him respect and honor and be a cheerleading squad of sorts . . . [RESPECT IS EXPECTED, HONOR IS WELCOME, AND CHEERLEADING IS UNNECESSARY EXCEPT TO THE KIDS.] but I have no perky breasts, no shiny blonde hair, no tight butt, no helpless baby girl muscles [ALL UNNECESSARY BUT ALL PROBABLY APPRECIATED WHEN PRESENT], and no ability to overlook the fact that he loves his penis most of all . . . [ONLY WITH UNCONQUERED WOMEN. WITH THOSE CONQUERED, HE LOVES HER QUIET ACCEPTANCE OF HIS DOMINANCE PLUS FREQUENT SEX WHEN PRACTICABLE].

You: I have no clue how I, being a real, flawed human being, can be both real and vulnerable and open and yet also create the impression that I am the perfect lady/goddess/sex machine that men seem to secretly want (even though they themselves are not the semi-divine creatures they think they are).

Guy: To merge compatibly the interests of a real, flawed human with a semi-divine creature is the challenge of every good woman. Females are born to do it. Girls master the art voluntarily. She has to figure out what works for him and her. The blog is all about how men and women are born so they can do it.

You create a jumpstart when you trash all the blame, kill the trash-talk, and eliminate complaints by finding laughter and accommodation in mistakes.

You: I’m not a man, and I don’t want to be. Neither am I a lesbian, and I certainly don’t want to be. I want to have a real relationship with a real man who wants a real woman.

Guy: An answer lies with you becoming a better woman, and the blog has over a million words to point you in the right directions on virtually every subject. You won’t find rules. You have to figure out how to become a better, more attractive, more interesting woman and doing it sincerely and with determination. Or else you will come up short of what you seek. You can do it. You’re smart enough to cite all the problems herein. You need only accept responsibility for recovery amid your abilities and the virtues you find in Mr. Good Enough.

You: But in trying to learn the lessons of femininity my generation was largely denied, I just feel overwhelmed. I don’t see how I can learn them and still be the woman God made me to be.

Guy: Yes, you’re right about denial to your and many other generations. You learn by study, practice, and realizing that God intended you to make yourself in His image by doing it yourself while asking for his guidance when you need it.

I like and admire your writing. Keep it up; you make good sense interesting.




Filed under courtship, feminine, marriage, sex differences

8 responses to “2430. Dear Edith Mcklveen

  1. What a delightful response!

    If I may just say something about physical beauty and attraction, that can be hard for women because we are far more critical of ourselves than men are. So we see our own imperfections in comparison to other women. Men do not perceive us this way at all, they tend to think we’re all beautiful, especially older and wiser men. If you are feeling good about yourself, if you are glorifying in womanhood, that inner beauty just comes through and it is very attractive. The more we cultivate that inner beauty the more it shows upon the outside, too.

    Love I think is the first step, genuinely coming to understand how loved we are, how delighted in, how much worth and value we have. That paradox between being a divine creature and a flawed human being is not just the epitome of femininity, but I think it’s also how God sees us.

    Your Highness Insanitybytes22,
    And right back at you, “What a delightful response!”

  2. Sarina

    Sir Guy, thank you for dealing with the weight issue in such a polite manner. But it was necessary, nowadays most women are taught to simply accept being fat and don’t think much of it, they aren’t told how much men are repulsed by it, but rather ‘the right guy will accept you regardless of how big you are’. And this leads to women relaxing and not taking any measures to change their physique for the better. Food is tempting and keeping a nice body isn’t an easy task, that’s why it’s more important to prevent than to cure.

    Btw, I never understood why guys would choose a woman with a slim body and average face over an obese woman with a gorgeous face.

  3. That Horse Is Dead

    Lady Edith,

    How exciting to have a post addressed to you! You’re forever famous:)
    Easter service there was a young married couple in front of me with four kids under the age of probably eight. What I found so striking was that the kids were sitting to the left of the dad in the pew. The wife sat on his right side — snuggled up close to him as if she was still as in love as the day they met. The entire time, the kids took care of themselves and when they needed reassurance during the service, they gave dad a look and everything was ok. In addition, the couple whispered to each other off and on with faces close and cheeks touching as if they were in their own world. It was really lovely to watch. My point is whether this woman you discuss put her husband first or did kids become her priority? We can’t know what goes on behind closed doors and something was off to get to what you describe.

    As far as my own recovery, I can tell you as a long-time reader of this blog that I remember the same exact response when I realized that my world (and life) I had created for myself was so misguided. It’s really a grieving process to let go of what you thought was right and accept a new way of thinking. We all know the stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance. You’ll know you’re in the last stage when you’re ready to work on that posture, that tummy, etc. for YOU and not because it’s what pleases a man’s willy. Thanks for sharing your insights!

    Your Highness That Horse Is Dead,
    Bless you, darling. Your writing makes you shine.

  4. Miss Gina

    Dear Sir Guy,

    What a well-done exchange that is very clear and to the point!

    I think we ladies can get overwhelmed with the details before we even get started. We aren’t going to turn around a ship that’s been sent in the wrong direction for years overnight. But small decision by small decision, we can get to our destination. And truly, most of us have been steered wrong by others. But the reality is that no one else is going to fix it for us.

    I see this as the first step in glowing with feminine strength: recognizing a problem, taking responsibility, and taking action. Empowering ourselves this way causes a change that is magnetic.

    Everyone is attracted to people who take charge of their circumstances and tackle adversity (regardless of fault, but especially if the fault isn’t entirely the person’s). (And I think it is reasonable to say that on the face of it, the male/female exchange doesn’t seem fair. Further study shows it to be entirely fair, I believe, if women discover the hidden struggles of men, but that’s another subject. Fair or not, though, we ladies still want to catch and keep a good man, though, don’t we?) Even if others aren’t aware of what’s going on, our quietly “womaning up” will show through attractively in our manner and on our faces.

    Yes, things like maintaining our weight and learning new social skills require work. But there is a reward. I don’t think we consciously expect rewards to come without effort, but it could be that it is a subconscious thought process planted by surrounding influences.

    Sometimes, I think, the conclusion that we can’t be perfect tempts us to give up even trying to reach “darn good.” At least, this mindset has been something I have had to wrestle with to make real strides for myself.

    Your Highness Miss Gina,
    It’s impractical to argue against such wisdom. Thanks, you do well promoting femininity.

  5. Thank you. Your willingness to address and re-address issues is extremely gracious. And what you have said underscores a basic need of anyone seeking to understand and live as the person God made him/her to be. Talk less and pray more–for oneself and for others.

    My pastor is preaching through the book of John. This past Sunday he read the story of the feeding of the 5,000. He made a statement that has stuck with me: when we seek God’s help in getting our needs met, our expectations are often too low.

    I have to get my expectations out of the mud.

  6. Peachblossoms

    Dear Edith,

    I hear you when you say that this blog seems to think of women as physically perfect and emotionally armour plated. And of course I no more than you could have ever thought it to be an easy or even desirable process to get from what we are to that blessed state of body mind and heart. Why should we change ourselves? We ask. And how can we be perfect or armour plated? It’s super human!

    I have been reading this blog for more than one year and perhaps closer to two. I read it every day. If there is no new post I read old ones. I read “Path to Victory” every few days. I can guarantee you that if you simply commit to READ this blog with an open mind to let yourself absorb what it says, you’ll become physically perfect and emotionally armour plated to your satisfaction within months. And you will find the femininity in yourself bloom, and find your man becoming devoted (devoted is the search term I use almost every time I open this blog) a bit more every day.

    All you have to do is keep reading, thinking, and testing yourself and your man against every word in here.

    Guy’s key insight is that femininity (and physical perfection and emotional armour platedness) is a part of your NATURE. And devotion, provided all other conditions are met as Guy describes them, is a part of a man’s NATURE. So once you start right, everything goes right and easy, because nature is on your side.

    Set aside bitterness, disappointment, and measure everything by self respect. I promise you, Edith, it will work for you as it has worked for me.

    Dearest Guy,

    The service you are doing women round the world makes you super human yourself. Wish you a long, long, healthy, happy life.

    Much much love from Peachblossoms.

    Your Highness Peachblossoms,
    Thank you. I’m humbled by kind words that come out sweeter than normal.

  7. Tiffani

    Hi Sir Guy,
    I am still here! Things are looking up since July last year. I have stopped worrying constanty about striving to impress or ‘get’ a men, not directly but indirectly as a result of focusing on my self improvement and practising self gratitude. I don’t want to give other people (stranger men especially) the power to make me either miserable OR happy, I am the queen of my own emotions and self esteem and have been acting a lot wiser as a result.

    My query is along the lines of romantic attraction and physical attraction fading once conquered. Does this apply to both genders? I note that you have mentioned before that winning a physically attractive partner soon becomes as irrelevant as a wall painting. This is pretty sobering, you know that modern society promotes that honeymoon phase of physical attraction/ romantic infatuation as THE ultimate reason to marry, the ultimate reason to pursue someone, and lack thereof as the reason to cheat, divorce, and not even consider someone for a connection. I believe the original commentator was frustrated for this very reason, she fears she can’t even get through that ‘first’ qualifying stage of attracting a man physically before he takes her into his life.

    So much stock is put into that infuation/honeymoon phase. Do men require that, a visceral attraction (infatuation) towards a woman before they even begin to consider her virtues that make her marriagable? My beautician, a lovely Buddhist woman in middle age loves to tell me that this whole concept of visceral attraction is Nature’s Trick to make two stubborn humans stay long enough to raise an offspring. Yet some people build their whole lives around it.

    Your Highness Tiffani,
    I respond with today’s article, 2432. Thanks for the inspiration to bring a lot of things together.

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