2443. Journey to Feminine — Part 10


Acrimony. Relationships shorten and get progressively worse in the modern world of masculine-style sexual freedom. Men and women meet, interact, date, court, and even marry. He delivers attention and persuasion, and she provides unobligated sex. It’s done for fun and lust according to mutual taste. She may even initiate. According to their gender value system, men couldn’t have it any better. But many men know differently and search for a better life, which invariably includes a good woman. They, however, are hard to identify. So men stick to the modern game plan, sex without obligation, while they hope for something better to come along.

In that feminist inspired world, graciousness drowns, mutual gratefulness withers, men resist marriage, and husbands respond disruptively to feminist attitudes in their castle. Respect, courtesy, and good manners are neither expected nor practiced. Masculine strengths and manly civility are purposely underappreciated, and men resent, resist, and often retaliate. Male aggression arises easily.

Deep devotion to one woman is almost mutually exclusive, what with the feminist spirit and expectations. Commitment usually means temporary. Husbands too easily shift focus to another blossom. Wives seek escape from self-inflicted misery with a man to the misery of being without one.

Both sexes sour on their own marriage; frustrated wives turn against men and wounded men turn against marriage. The institution of family withers and wrinkles as if dying of old age.

That’s the feminist model and its consequences. It’s what feminine-minded women face as they try to fabricate more lasting relationships. The competition isn’t easy, so they use a better model that offers so much more to their man and works better and easier for themselves.

Matrimony. The feminine woman causes those incompatible effects to weaken, fade, or die. Motivated by the glorious female nature that floods her heart, feminine behaviors generate graciousness, gratitude, respect, courtesy, and good manners to salve the wounds of feminism. She knows how to tame and prevent male aggression. She appreciates masculine strengths and manly civility as essential for her to have a good life. It’s unusual for her man to resent, resist, and retaliate against her behaviors; he appreciates her femininity too much. She expects to see and depends on his firm devotion, permanent commitment, and her intent and ability to keep her man. She produces minimal misery because of her ability to discourage and avoid it.

Thus, the feminine woman adds color to a man’s B&W world in ways that he wants to be part of her development of relationship and family.

20 Comments

Filed under courtship, Culture & Politics, feminine, Feminism: OOPS!, Her glory, marriage

20 responses to “2443. Journey to Feminine — Part 10

  1. Seems to me that almost this entire essay could be summed up in the word RESPECT.

    Life experience to this point leads me to believe that a regular guy I can genuinely respect will make me much happier than a man who comes on like the hero of a romance novel with gushing protestations of undying love (not that such men really exist; such behavior is usually offered in an attempt to get sex, not a wedding date).

    • silberstreak

      I agree. The rewards of happy marriage, and they are many, dwarf the pleasures of romance.

    • silberstreak

      Romance, one might say, is to marriage as the menu is to the meal.

    • Jen

      Edith, when I was rather young and already intent upon making marriage & family my ‘career’, my father told me, “Look for and marry a man you respect, otherwise your marriage won’t be happy or successful.” Later on, having ended a relationship with a man, my grandfather mused that I probably didn’t have enough respect for him because while I was already in my own (modest but cozy) place, he still lived with his parents despite making nearly six figures while still well under 30…and his being guilted by his mother into cancelling our Valentine’s date did not help, either. Because there was respect lacking for the man, it was no surprise to my father or grandfather that I chose to cut my losses, walk away, and look for a Mr. Good Enough; I’m also glad my grandfather pointed that out to me, refreshing my memory and re-focusing my thoughts.

      How blessed I am to have such a wise father and grandfather! Look for a man you can and already do in many measures respect and look up to. It is better for the woman, and must surely appeal to the man himself, if I’m understanding Sir Guy correctly!

      Your Highness Jen,
      Yep, respect of who he is and what he does is the first thing a man expects from a woman both before he invests himself in her and subsequently for any life they may have together. His expectation of her respect never ends. Contrary to how the masculine mind works, he needn’t have to earn her respect either; she just gives it and her best method is to show him trust.
      Guy

      • Respect is *the* word for me right now.

        I will even go so far as to say that *mutual respect* is a more solid foundation for a relationship than love. Or maybe it is actually a kind of love that a relationship has to have once infatuation wears off. Otherwise there really is nothing to build on.

        My problem is that the genuine respect I feel for a certain man is not reciprocated. Absolutely has to go both ways.

        Your Highness Edith Mklveen,

        I agree wholeheartedly with second paragraph. Our Western culture suffers mostly from these two shortcomings: 1) Lack of individual self-respect that causes lack of respect for others, which prevents high levels of mutual respect in couples. 2) Women’s lack of self-gratitude that keeps them from being grateful for others and things, which causes them not to earn the happiness to which they are born able to achieve.

        As to lack of reciprocity, your candidate may lack self-respect. If it ain’t in his heart, he can’t share it. It begs the question for you, how do you help him, or can you? The answer is you can try so think feminine.

        Show whatever respect and gratefulness you can muster up for these major roles in life that he fills: first as a person, second as a man, and third as he fills smaller but various roles in life (job, hobby, son, father, friend, boyfriend, sweetheart, family man, bachelor, at fulfilling responsibilities and ambitions, etc.)

        Also, give yourself a checkup about your own self-respect. If you sense that you’re lacking, start work on improving it too.

        Guy

        • The bells are going off big-time, Sir Guy. I would say that a lack of self-respect on both sides is a big, big issue.

          I can hear in my head the sad tale he told at one point about going to a relative’s birthday party, at which a woman he barely knew came on to him, putting her foot on his leg. And when he got flustered, people teased him about not having a girlfriend. Atbthe conclusion of his tale, he called himself a loser.

          I know some of the reasons he carries that label around. There have been times when we’ve interacted that it’s clear he reads it to himself a lot.

          And just today, it became clear to me that, in focusing so much on my own quirks, frailties, and sins as the cause of relational difficulties (and I *am* to blame for a lot), it leaves no time or energy or space in my life to celebrate those things in my life and his that *are* worth celebrating.

          Self-respect is the foundation of self-confidence. I don’t think either of us has much of either.

          Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,

          You’re right again. Without self-respect, self-confidence can go from nothing to max and plummet back to zero even faster. It only takes one negative influence to effectively trash it for little reason. It’s almost totally dependent or relative to the situation and people or tasks involved.

          With high self-respect, self-confidence has a high bottom far above zero. It’s also not so sensitive to disappointment or put downs, especially those made on purpose.

          Men are born highly individualistic and with self-respect; women are born less individualistic and have to earn self-respect. For both sexes, self-esteem is a deeper emotion and also undergirds the other emotions.

          Guy

        • My Husband's Wife

          Yes, mutual respect is the best. If not, the relationship can exist, but it’s lop-sided and is extremely “high maintenance emotionally.” For example: I believe that when a woman respects a man who has little-to-no respect for himself, they are basically in opposition with each other. He views himself as worthless, she doesn’t see him like that at all—that’s competition right there. So it’s a no-win situation even though she shows her admiration, appreciation, and belief in him as he doesn’t see himself this way so he will reject what she gives him. These type of men can have all the great qualities and traits in the world, but unless they themselves are satisfied with who they are and what they do, they are limited in what they can give…and receive. Yes, women are the “relationship experts” but this sort of relationship requires a double dose of expertness and an incredibly high self-worth for it to exist. (His gas tank is empty, hers has to be overflowing to keep hers and his full). From what I’ve seen, most of these outwardly wonderful men had critical, unloving, rejecting mothers. These men strove to gain mother’s acceptance and never did so they appear almost perfect…yet major damage at their core was done. As Sir Guy put it so perfectly: “If it ain’t in his heart, he can’t share it.”

          Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
          A darn good presentation of a relationship expert’s reading of the tea leaves of life.
          Guy

          • “From what I’ve seen, most of these outwardly wonderful men had critical, unloving, rejecting mothers. These men strove to gain mother’s acceptance and never did so they appear almost perfect…yet major damage at their core was done. As Sir Guy put it so perfectly: ‘If it ain’t in his heart, he can’t share it.'”

            In my situation, what a big issue this is, one openly acknowledged by the child in question.

            And that rejection explains why the man I’ve been writing about has been a player of sorts.

            He has a very intense desire to be approved of and admired coupled with an intense desire to avoid any possibility of genuine intimacy (since having a truly open heart creates the possibility of being deeply hurt by rejection).

            I have heard him express frustration to a mutual friend who is married about how hard it is to find someone to marry. However, as long as he dances around at the edge of a potential relationship (doing the dance of look and admire but don’t touch) he’s never going to get anywhere.

            Also, his experience of maternal criticism and rejection means no woman can ever be truly supportive and encouraging. As long as he sees himself as a loser or not good enough or whatever, every positive comment a woman make is going to be viewed as motivated by pity or by a desire to manipulate him.

            So very sad.
            The other is pretty much never being able to trust and accept any encouragement given with the idea of proving that they are not

            • Oops. I didn’ t proofread very well.

            • That Horse Is Dead

              Sir Guy,
              What should Lady Edith do with this man who “dances around at the edge of a potential relationship” but doesn’t progress when this has been ongoing for a few years? If he doesn’t think he’s good enough, how will she ever convince him? I have heard more than once of men who say the defining moment in their relationship with their wives was when she put her foot down and said, “I’m not going to do this anymore. I care about you but I have to do what’s best for me” and walk away versus just pulling back and not saying anything. What do you think? This is very similar to my own situation with a man who I’ve been trying to pull away from for almost a year, but he continues to circle around like clockwork.

              Your Highness That Horse Is Dead,
              I favor what you cite. She should walk away with no complaint and no explanation. Leave him to figure out what she thinks, or he’ll never examine what he truly thinks about her worth to him. If he pursues, she wins. If he doesn’t, she wins as he’s not worthy of her since he’s unwilling to earn her hand in marriage.
              Guy

  2. Cocoa

    “It’s what feminine-minded women face as they try to fabricate more lasting relationships.” What if she tried and failed?!

    Dear sir Guy, what advice can or would you give a vulnerable, unexperienced and a feminine woman when she is about to face the ugly shadows of separation.

    Vulnerable as she is confused and unsure if she has any power to do or initiate anything or to reverse the damage that took place. Unexperienced in financial and legal matters. And feminine as in how would she gracefully and honourably go through these though days without turning bitter or angry or competitive…

    She has turned to the Lord first. But any words of wisdom may also assist during this stormy moments.

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    I suggest you consider and take some action about the following:

    1. What have you been doing that has pushed your relationship to the brink? Can you fix or adjust those flaws, if that is what they are?

    2. Study the series “Recovery for Wives” and those with “divorce” in the title.

    3. Study the series “Dating in Mid-life” to prepare for next step if needed.

    4. Remember, it ain’t over until you quit trying to get what you want both before and after separation.

    Guy

    • Cocoa

      Thanks sir Guy.
      1- I know what went wrong (in my view not wrong but tough) it was a conscience decision that I took a while ago. Trying to keep whatever was left of my self respect and sanity.

      2- I usually skip these posts when I see them. Will have a look and see if they contain something for me. I am sure I will find some wisdom there.

      3- me dating?! I doubt it big time. Or at least these are my feelings now, I just find peace in avoiding relationships altogether, it’s a lot of work. Always happy to learn and study the dynamics as it helps immensely in assessing people to avoid the bad and invest in the good, it also helps in advising younger girls and boys. Other than that I see very little for me in the future. Happy to serve the lord and follow up and advise my boys (they are the fruit of my life, of the best years of my existence) if they ever need advise. But dating, well just thinking about it makes me laugh or cry I guess. I think the damage is quite substantive.

      4- before separation; to keep whatever is left of gratefulness and gratitude and maybe respect. After separation; to continue through my life where my Heavenly Father wants me to be. This is going to be my challenge to understand his will in my life. And Thy will be done.

      Thanks again sir Guy, you have been a true help and I have grown so much since joining the cruise on this blog. There are questions that I asked here that there were no way I would have asked anyone else. There are ideas and aspects that I never thought about. There is a lot of truth!

      Your Highness Cocoa,
      God bless you, darling. I’ll pray that your strength grows abundantly just when you need it most.
      Guy

      • That Horse Is Dead

        Lady Cocoa,
        I’m sorry to hear of your separation. My advice having gone through the terrible valley of divorce, especially with legal matters, is that if you and your husband can work through the financials amicably, you will be much better off than allowing the lawyers to get involved. If it’s not amicable, then do your best to settle in mediation. You will save a lot of time, energy, and money than if you go to court. Financially speaking, whatever way you are used to living, prepare now that your lifestyle will not be able to be what it is. You need to be mentally prepared to scale way back, even more than what you think you should do. If I could go back in time, I would purchase a MUCH smaller home, less yard, and definitely look at property taxes, utilities, etc. Find someone who can help you set a budget early on. Realize that you will have much less energy than you think you have now as you go through the grieving process. You are also vulnerable spiritually — and this is the biggest reason that I believe God hates divorce. You open yourself up to all kinds of spiritual attacks. Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world, but the attack is coming — the roaring lion is waiting for you to be at your weakest. You need at least one strong friend to walk you through and pray with and for you and for your children. Perhaps even join a women’s Bible study (weekly) for the next year. Finally, even though you think you won’t be dating, don’t be too sure that Satan won’t use that as his approach. Resolve not to date for at least a full year till you are in a better place. Finally, the pretty time is so important. This is the one thing I do still allow myself to “splurge” on (beauty). Avoid bitterness by not complaining and don’t become the victim. I hope this helps and praying for you, sister:)

        • Cocoa

          Dear THID, I feel that if I was sitting with you and you gave me this advice face to face that I would give you the biggest and warmest hug. Thank you so much for this invaluable nuggets. I am out of energy already.

          I just can’t see myself coming back to an empty home! The boys are not boys anymore and will lead their own way very soon.

          I read one or two of the posts that sir Guy suggested, about divorce and dignity and that was exactly what I have been doing for the past 6 years; separate lives under the same roof. I could’ve asked for a divorce back then, I mean a church divorce and get absolution to remarry (this only happens under one condition; adultery). Back then the boys were younger and I was utterly lost. The boys needed their father and looking only after myself would not have made me happy. Never. So, I made a decision to continue as nothing has happened but no more intimate relationship between us. Things got better then worse and worse. I could see it coming as he wont admit to his wrong doing and the episodes of lying were never ending. I do not regret continuing for the sake of my boys. I did not utter a word to anyone, only the priest when he asked me how come I am not fulfilling my duty as a wife (he went and told the preist I am refusing to sleep with him for no reason). I told him and he was shocked and when he confronted him he denied and stuck it to someone else… The preist asked me if I am willing to forgive him, I said for sure, forgive him, yes. Sleep with him, no.

          I am grateful for my life, for my boys and their success in whatever they are doing, truly God blessed me with these two boys. I am grateful that I am a beliver. I am grateful for my husband who was good and allowed me and gave me the opportunity to be a wife and a mother. I am grateful for my health. Grateful that God provided me with reasons to believe that I am an attractive woman who, in her forties, can still attract attention of many men (that’s a blessing right? Or is it a curse?). I am grateful for my extended family who were always there for me in the toughest days. I am grateful for my job and my colleagues and their trust in me and my work. I am grateful that I can pray for my husband and that I wish him a better and more fruitful life without me reminding him with what took place (I do not and did not talk at all about what happened, but I think my presence and refusing to sleep with him reminds him). Must be tough on him.

          At last, and I can’t remember how I got to this blog, I am so grateful for sir Guy’s wisdom and for you ladies here. What a blessing. I feel I am strong and have peace within me. I, till now, did not ask for separation, but rather, he left home some days ago but came back again last night. I made a decision not to choose for myself as I always did. My father up there can do that for me. I told him I am hopeless and do not know what’s right and what’s not. How do I know where is the right direction when I am blinded with all what’s happening. I shall let it flow.

          Oh dear, I typed too much. Sir Guy, please feel free to delete this if it is out of theme or would add burden to your readers. For the first time though I type down what I am grateful for. That in its own made me feel stronger…

          Dear MLR and Meow, that you for your kind words and for remembering me in your prayers.

          Your Highness Cocoa,
          You’ve done great, darling. As a fortysomething good looking woman, you only have one fence to clear. Forgive yourself. It clears the heart for new interests.
          Guy

          • Cocoa

            Searching deep within sir Guy I guess you are right. I think I am the reason and the cause of all what I am going through now. Forgiving myself will be quite a task. I don’t feel guilty but maybe I could have done better.

            New interests? I see that this might happen and is happening. But there is one more thing I thought I will try to do/maintain, and that’s that I will never tell anyone that I am separated. I will keep my ring, I will speak well about my husband as if he’s still there. He’s the only man I’ve ever known, he’s the one that seen my all and whole. I enjoy and am so grateful for the attention and interest I get, but that’s about it. That will do. No other man will get that close to me.

            As I type I am in tears… And I wonder how and what new interest will add to me? Maybe company? Maybe self esteem booster when I am feeling down? Not sure… I want to hide with my pain and shame.

            Your Highness Cocoa,

            You exaggerate. You can’t be the reason and cause of all that went before. By yourself, you could never turn that two-way into a one-way street, flip shared duties into one-person responsibilities.

            To forgive yourself means simply this: Isolate those things you did or may have done wrong or that contributed directly to the separation. Forgive yourself for those things only; you have no reason to take up the offense of someone whose offense you did not cause.

            You’ll know that you’ve forgiven yourself when you no longer feel pain and shame. God has forgiven you if you asked, so use the same standard for yourself.

            Guy

            • That Horse Is Dead

              Lady Cocoa,

              Being out of energy and confused about the direction is a recipe for heartbreak if you leave now. You need to be coming from a place of clarity and not desperation. When I made the decision to file for divorce 10 years ago, my boys were only 4 and 6. I had complete clarity that it was the right thing to do. My husband’s alcoholism was getting worse and at that point, my children and I were sleeping in a separate bedroom for a year with the door locked because I never knew if he would rage when he awoke from being passed out. For a long time, I thought I could manage it, but several instances of verbal and physical abuse to me and my kids sealed the deal. I hated him and also hated myself. There was no turning back once I made my decision because it was so clear.

              It’s been a very long road to recovery and I wouldn’t wish divorce on anyone. What Sir Guy teaches here about qualifying Mr. Good Enough is so very important. I don’t blame my ex for his alcoholism, I was the one who chose him when the writing was on the wall. My heart goes out to you. Continue to pray for your husband every day. Take a Bible study on forgiveness. Creativity does wonders for helping you to refresh your spirit, interests like, create a garden, learn to paint, write a book, re-decorate a room, learn to sew, make jewelry, take a cooking class…there’s no limit to what you can do! It will be okay one day at a time:)

            • Meow Meow

              Cocoa, you are a strong beautiful woman. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a good loving person who tried everything to keep the marriage together for the sake of her kids. It is not a sin for a marriage that is emotionally abusive to end. I understand there are so many mixed feelings and history you share alone with your husband. And maybe dreams you had as a family once.I realize you are sad—so very, very sad now. But not every man would behave like this and you can not take responsibility for your husbands decisions. Sir Guy is right. Not one of us can control another person. Please do not make absolute promises to God, yourself, or anyone that you will later come to regret or set yourself up for more drama such as never telling anyone you are separated or pretending your husband is wonderful….it doesn’t mean to rail about him either (I know you don’t want to do that) but just find the truth in things, less black and white thinking. The truth will set you free. Little by little baby steps. Do those things THID talks about, small acts of creativity, hobbies, long walks in pretty parks and places, tiny acts of love every day…..You may feel sad not free right now I know you are in tears. But do not make shackles of shame and fear for yourself. A kind loving God would never want you to do that. He is with you as you suffer.

    • MLaRowe

      Prayers going out for you Cocoa.

      From my outsider viewpoint I believe your marital situation to be…… not so good.

      I already know that you know and believe that you are being held, cared for and watched by The One who is looking out for your greater good.

      May angels and wise guidance follow you sweet Cocoa as you step into this next part of your life.

  3. Meow Meow

    Sweetie you have written about your situation before and you have no reason to feel that you haven’t done your best to change it. I feel that you have done all that you could do and more and its better to let go and be free of a bad situation that will only bring you and your children down. Be a free bird not a caged one and sing your song again. Your trust in God and love for your children comes through in your posts. Dating will happen when you are ready, i agree with THID sometimes things get worse before they get better so save your energy to deal with your immediate challenges. Do the right thing, but be sure to make time to take care of yourself. Sending hugs and prayers for the best your way.

  4. Jen

    Oh, dear Cocoa, I will keep you in my prayers. Cling to God and pour your heart out to Him. I am so sorry to read this.

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