2450. Why Isn’t Sex Enough? I — His Side

For Your Highness Prettybeans, here’s the ‘story for another day’ that you requested.

Is sex enough to keep him with her? A woman knows how to love, nurture, and solicit cooperation. She thinks her ability should be adequate, because she intends to give her all. Therefore, by keeping him satisfied sexually, she should be able to keep him. She’s mistaken. The incentives to keep him mainly interested in her—his ‘keepiness’—lie outside sexual events.

The following is a complex model reduced to simple principles. Of course, small exceptions exist when applied in real life, but non-sexual events produce the best results for keeping a marriage together.

For life: They will primarily judge each other this way. He’s more impressed by what he sees her do. She’s more impressed by what she hears from him. It starts with first encounter.

His role: If he doesn’t invest of himself deeply in order to earn her, his commitment to her will not last long enough to suit her. Furthermore, it’s not his words that invest himself. Actions program the masculine heart. His actions to please her—and not necessarily that please her—contribute, increase his desire,  and promote her promise as mate in his mind and heart.

His primary objective is to earn self-admiration by conquering her for their first sex together. As she diligently resists and still keeps his interest in her, she earns more of his respect. She can’t earn too much. The more she earns, the greater grows the foundation of his love. Thus, the potential for his greatest love arises out of her resistance for the maximum time. But, of course, Nature intervenes and her intensifying love sooner or later wins out over her determined resistance.

Meanwhile, as he searches for her weaknesses and she continues to resist, he discovers that she has qualities that he can admire. The more he searches, the more qualities he uncovers. Each admired quality becomes a virtue to him, and men seek to marry a virtuous woman. But think of that differently from what women think, that virginity is the sacred virtue. In fact, men don’t favor virginity for purity but for the symbolism of beating all those other guys to the main prize.

Which begs the question: Why should females save themselves for their husband? To generate greater self-respect and earn greater respect of men generally and one man in particular, both of which generate greater love in a man, which provides extra insurance that her marriage will be successful enough to fulfill her girlhood hopes and dreams.

Contrary to woman-think, when she pleases him or uses nurturing techniques, she earns very little or nothing by way of his commitment. A man appreciates her pleasing him, but when he accomplishes nothing but is given something, it’s an unearned gift that doesn’t influence him—sex included. IOW, his appreciation doesn’t change his investment of himself, and so his commitment doesn’t deepen. Even her love of him has much less influence with him than with her own emotional bonding.

Also contrary to woman-think, sex doesn’t bond a man, and so he looks for much more. Each woman is unique, but to a marrying man one is more unique than others. He pays little attention to her claims of having the features and qualities he admires as virtues. Not her words, but instead, he judges by her actions.

As requirements, she’s both attractive enough and sexually attractive. She’s also likeable, loveable, loyal, feminine, dependent on his dominance, respectful of who he is, and grateful for what he does.

Of course I exaggerate somewhat, but this principle is valid. A man wants to talk to a pretty female listener. If pretty to him, she qualifies and women should listen more and better. When he talks about himself, it’s a satisfying action that earns a few degrees of commitment (as if one could measure it). If she’s impressed, then he admires himself, the search for which is his prime motivation. The greater satisfaction he finds in talking to her, the greater her chances of keeping him interested in her. (Yes, too much of her talk both about her and even him reduces his interest. He expects her to be his primary listening post and not the reverse. If not now then why later?)

Part of the masculine character is expressing satisfaction with himself to someone. If not his wife, it’s much harder to keep his interests centered in the home.

Given enough chaste time together and enough of his actions to please her as he tries to uncover her weaknesses, he morphs into another character. From man determined to conquer at whatever the cost, he slowly evolves into doing more rather than harder to please her. Trying with ever more determined actions to win her, it programs his heart to appreciate even more her presence in his life, which develops into devotion to her and brightens her prospects for fulfilling her hopes and dreams. Thus, with enough chaste time together, his devotion and personal dedication make their subsequent marriage an easy-to-harmonize lifetime endeavor for her. (The same devotion thing happens immediately to the man who falls in love at first sight, but that event isn’t everyday common.)

Eventually, when satisfied that he has accomplished what it takes to win his choice of a mate, men walk their own way into marriage. Her ability to satisfy his yearning to talk to a pretty woman paved the path to the altar.

That’s part of the man’s side of the marital equation, hers comes next post.


Filed under courtship, feminine, Home CEO, marriage

10 responses to “2450. Why Isn’t Sex Enough? I — His Side

  1. Ari

    Excellent post!
    There is a certain man who comes to me often with words of how great he is—I exaggerate, but you get the picture—I will try to keep my mouth shut and just listen to him. He loves to talk and I’d rather have him talk to me than the other girls. Ha!
    Can’t wait for the next post ☺

  2. Here, on both sides of the equation, actions sowak louder than words.

    I am clear I think in understanding that an action-oriented man does not care about a woman who is all talk and no action.

    Whether he is sizing a woman up as a bed partner or trying to determine what kind of character she has, it’s how she behaves that stays with him more than what she thinks or feels. Got that.

    For example, if I meet a guy who really loves to garden, at some point it might be good to say, maybe, “Wonder if you might have a bulb planter I could borrow? I’ve got a hundred tulip bulbs to put in the ground this weekend,” rather than bend his ear about how much I looove gardening and had such fun at the gardening sale at the greenhouse, and I just looove how many varieties of whatever plant, and I just looove digging in the dirt because it makes me feel so close to God or whatever . .

    But then there is the whole problem of being an intelligent woman who can figure out how to do lots of things and is not a helpless damsel in distress.

    If I do *too good* a job of showing a man what kind of character and abilities I have through my various actions, he isn’t going to be interested in me because he won’t see any opportunities to show off and be the hero, the white knight, the clever magician.

    If I play dumb and helpless when I am not, in my own particular experience, a man will resent being made a beast of burden.

    So again I find myself confused about how to walk the walk instead of talking the talk when relating to a man.

    Your Highness Edith McKlveen,

    You have it all down pat, now trust your instinct and intuition aka your heart. A man is no beast of burden until he thinks so. You will know that long before he realizes it. Moderation and balance is all you need to worry about, and that’s an instantaneous judgment for your heart to make as appropriate for every situation.

    So, what if you do make a minor mistake. We all do, and recovery is everything.


  3. Talk is cheap. Women watch what men DO and judge them accordingly.

    Sent from Outlook Mobile

  4. prettybeans

    Thinking though all of this as I examine a certain gent who appears keen..I’ve noticed that it’s one thing to be on top of your game when you don’t really fancy a chap but quite another when you actually like him.

    I’m struggling to keep it cool and not be clumsy and too girly around him..

    Sir Guy, sometimes this is all very confusing

    Your Highness Prettybeans,
    Trust your instinct and intuition with him and be yourself to yourself. Make sure he sees you as you will always be. Men don’t like surprises, especially women who become different. He may not like you enough now to spend a lifetime with, but you have time for you to grow on him.
    P.S. Glad to hear about newbie. Like to hear about how you did it.

    • prettybeans

      Well Sir,

      Right now, and as you know, I’m in what appears to be extended recovery mode from a very traumatic relationship with some way to go but also fully acknowledging the lessons learned including humbly accepting my weighty contribution to the whole mess.

      I’ve come a long way in the last 3 years but I’m aware that I’ve got my own fears and concerns (read baggage) before I even begin to deal with another human being
      However, that being said, I’m ready to venture out a little bit and ‘see what can be seen’

      He’s a member of my gym! Trouble is though, it’s one thing to use mirror time to up my feminine game but it’s quite another to remain feminine while huffing and puffing away on the treadmill! 😦

      Regardless, we were formally introduced by a mutual friend at church and have spent a little time together – including taking a lovely walk yesterday (it was a bank holiday so there was ample time for this). He’s recently coming from a relationship himself and so he’s in recovery mode too but we’ve agreed to keep things simple and get to know one another.

      My gut tells me I need more time to think through these things as I learn to manage my own fears, desires, expectations etc against the picture of what I ultimately want. It helps that we are of the same faith and his commitment to that seems entirely separate from me

      Your Highness Prettybeans,

      That’s great, honey. Don’t be too quick to set ground rules for your personal expectations. Float along awhile and you’ll get a better feel for him and you together.

      You coming to the U.S.? Love to see you again. I don’t fly but I’ll drive most anywhere.


      • prettybeans

        👆🏾I am certainly taking it easy Sir. I just want to feel good for a little while. It’s been a tight battle getting to where I am today and I’m very proud of myself. Just want to coast for a while. This is a good place to be..

        I don’t want to jinx it but I just may be coming sometime during the summer – you know I’ll let you know in good time and then come find you if I do 😉

        Your Highness Prettybeans,
        I’m holding my summer open.

  5. Tisheena

    “Part of the masculine character is expressing satisfaction with himself to someone. If not his wife, it’s much harder to keep his interests centered in the home.”

    This explains why my fiance has a long distance female friend for the past 5 years that he lies to me about talking to. I’ve broken the engagement due to him lying and saying he’s not in contact with her or any of his other female friends anymore. But i’ve read text messages recently that state otherwise. I’m at my wits end and unsure on how I can go about inviting him to express satisfaction in himself or pull his interest back to me.

    Mr. Guy, will you elaborate on what a woman could be doing that discourages her man to express his satisfaction in himself to her exclusively? I never put him down or disrespect him. He tells me he wants to marry me because i’m so girly and he has told me i’m a grest listener. We have a great time together and he’s smiling and laughing with me everyday. I’m frustrated and feel as though my relationship is a open circle comsisting of me, him and about 5 female friends he talks to a couple times a month. I hate it.

    Your Highness Tisheena,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    You ask, “will you elaborate on what a woman could be doing that discourages her man to express his satisfaction in himself to her exclusively?”

    Sure. She’s giving him sex, she’s booty, local, and he isn’t turned off by associating with her regularly.

    You can test my theory this way. Don’t explain, don’t complain, keep silent and just depart his company, whatever that means. Don’t see him again unless he faces you in person. Walk away as if he doesn’t exist. When he tries to recover, don’t explain yourself, don’t complain, and especially don’t mention the other women. You will see his true colors emerge that will explain your value to him.

    You can’t motivate him to drop the others. He has to do it for one reason: He prefers you and will pay your price to recover you. From what you describe, I doubt he will do that. I figure you tied up with a smooth-tongue phony and probably a player.


    • Tlisheena

      Thank you for your response.
      Last night he told me he wants to resolve the issue by introducing me to all his female friends, but he has already lied and now I feel disenchanted. I know everyone makes mistakes, i’ve probably told a lie or 2, but even if I meet these women friends, I just dont know how to recover from questioning if they are covering for him?? or if he meets new women and doesnt introduce them to me??

      Is it unreasonable to expect your man to have zero female friends? He says he’s known some of these women since they were kids, but that just doesnt seem like a legitimate reason to have a friend of any sex. I don’t have a Father or a strong male figure in my life, never have. So I feel unsure on whether it’s unreasonable to say “no friends of the opposote sex” to my man.
      Please advise me, thank you.

      Your Highness Tisheena,

      No, don’t say it. Words merely invite him to prove you wrong and him right.

      Men respect actions and little else. So, show him with actions that his behavior is unacceptable to him. Cut off all association with him, and you will find out just how important you are to him. Unless he wants you more than his other friends, he won’t give them up.

      If you can’t give him up, or convince that you will, then get used to his friends and probably some new ones down the road.


      • gonemaverick


        I know Sir Guy’s advice sounds clinical but it’s the ONLY way you’ll ever know how he truly feels about you. If he dumps his female friends for you, you win. If he doesn’t and walks away too, you still win coz you’ll have your answer that he was not serious about you anyway.

        Our motto here is: the one most FEARFUL of losing the other, will lose.

  6. MLaRowe

    Just saw a pretty good film about courtship and love I don’t know if you have ever seen or mentioned here. The title is Old Fashioned. I think it came out in 2014.

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