2452. Why Isn’t Sex Enough? II — Her Side-b

To explain the huge impact of apparently minor events, hyperbole is used below. It’s purposely made to sound as if they can’t get along. To keep her man, a woman has to eliminate the negative influences and hope for the best out of what she can keep together. I present the gloomy side.

A man can find sex almost anywhere. So, availability doesn’t keep him. Neither does frequency and convenience, although those are prime movers. In fact, sex isn’t enough to keep him with her because he expects so much more out of anyone to whom he sacrifices his independence. He saw promise in her, they married, and his expectations live on. Of course, hers do too.

In order to keep her man, a woman inherits the challenges of meeting his expectations so that it makes his present life so much the better for having her. Paramount are respect for who he is, gratefulness for what he does, and dependence on him, which he measures by her morale and attitude. Her expectations are mostly that he will cooperate with her plans and ideas for harmonizing their home such that it brightens their future.

If she doesn’t produce the harmonized relationship he envisioned, he choose poorly because she changed. They had a harmonious relationship before. I know of three women who changed dramatically from the gals their men married, and divorce ensued. Over a couple decades husbands morph into Mr. Right when wives play their cards correctly, but men don’t change nor tolerate their wife changing early in marriage. If husband doesn’t cooperate early on, it’s a good sign that he won’t morph later.

Marital bliss arises out of their meeting each other’s expectations, a major part of which is predictability about the other. When they can accommodate each other’s expectations, it enables wife to harmonize their efforts and brighten their future. Unfortunately, they may never get there due to whimsical, bad-tempered, selfish, or unreasonable reactions by one or both.

He expects to see evidence by her actions that signify and symbolize her respect, gratitude, and dependence and her words that match. Example: She fails if she yells at him for bringing home white bread when she asked for wheat. The yelling is a minor deviation, yes, but it irritates and a few irritations compound negative reactions that quickly sour harmony.

Relationships are held together more by the absence of put downs, irritants, and blame than by the expected glue of respect, love, romance, togetherness, passion, sex, friendship, and companionship. Yes, negatives dissolve glue more easily than the glue enables one to overlook, excuse, forgive, and forget the negatives; the last term is defined as anything that disrespects, stimulates emotional eruptions, or turns one mate off to the other.

When wife complains directly and out loud to husband, he may be guilty. But she blames and he refuses to accept guilt from her. Seeking to avoid her anger, he contradicts to save face or seeks to escape mentally or physically. Her direct complaints are not easily accepted the way wife would like.

She has skills and talents for indirectly registering her dissatisfactions, and it works better in the long run by avoiding negative encounters. That’s another of his expectations; she knows how to handle complaints such that they don’t bother him. She can do it, so let her handle it. If she can’t handle it, it’s a matter for him but it had better be important.

When he’s overly demanding or emotionally upset, she feels put down for little reason. She has the necessary expertise to handle it, and husband expects just that. He’s direct and expects her indirectness to resolve whatever needs resolution. Her indirectness respects and compliments his leadership. Lack of pressure from her enables him to accept self-imposed guilt, which can easily prompt him to agree with her without acknowledging it.

Of course it’s unfair and hyperbolic but worthy of mention here. He expects her to almost never be demanding or emotionally upset. She’s too good a person, solid a wife, and expert at managing things satisfactorily. He saw those things in her or she would not have been such a good potential mate. As a problem solver, his nature pushed him to look for avoidance rather than later come up with a cure.

It’s another unfair situation. As the expert, it’s the wife’s job to manage emotional disturbances back into peaceful accommodation without permanent damage to their relationship. Men are incapable of such management; they can explode and cause the need, but only she can provide satisfactory resolution.

Enough for now about the negatives. It’s not sex that keeps a man. It’s the absence of negatives like those above. (I’ve heard this from many divorced men: “I got tired of putting up with her s***!”)

Let’s look at how relationship glue is strengthened—next.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, Home CEO, marriage

5 responses to “2452. Why Isn’t Sex Enough? II — Her Side-b

  1. Julia

    Hello. Is there anything that can be said of how to decorate/arrange the interior of the house so that it is husband friendly? I’m not talking about practical arrangement, but is there anything stylewise that could be offensive or unatmospheric to a man? For example it is obvious to me that lots of pink, frilly pillows, heart and butterfly figures is unwanted. Thank you for your time!

    Your Highness Julia,

    I’m not so sure I agree about “pink, frilly pillows, heart and butterfly figures.” If he likes your femininity, they are probably okay for rooms that he doesn’t ‘live in’. In the rooms he predominantly lives in—e.g., den, TV room, family room, or his study—make them more functional than stylish, less frilly and feminine.

    As much as you like style, he likes functional. It’s the height of femininity to find the balance that pleases both with each other’s tastes.

    It’s your nest and you’re the prime nester. Don’t give up your home-boss identity just to please him about feminine matters. Decorate and manage home your way with some consideration as above or until he says he doesn’t like something and insists that it be changed. His insistence will provide you with new info that you can use or negotiate harmony.


    • Meow Meow

      I agree with Sir Guy! Areas I spend more time in, like kitchen, bathroom and bedroom, I tend to add things i like such as flowers, pillows, nature prints etc. I hardly ever go into hubby’s home office or his workshop in the garage—(don’t even clean it unless he wants me to–and he doesn’t) and although i make the bed generally don’t try to rearrange his stuff on his side such as books etc. He likes things well-kept but mainly is in charge of the lighting, for some reason that really is his main concern. I got curtains recently for the house but in a neutral color (olive green) which he loves. I think we’ve been able to maintain a good masculine/feminine balance in the house in that I try to make his love of functionality the base (it has to work for him) then add my “window dressing”, generally using earth tones and nature (beach/sky/forest/farmland colors or prints) as a guide. In my personal areas and here and there something that inspires me like butterfly, vintage, or kitty cat decor:)

      • Julia

        I love what you said about using functionality as a base! Love bringing nature inside also: plants, sea shells and wood 🙂

    • Julia

      I’m excited for and I will work on aspiring to that height of femininity 🙂

      • Meow Meow

        Cool, glad to help inspire! I’m sure you can find a way that will work for both of you to enjoy a relaxing home/castle! My husband likes Bauhaus style and I like Shabby Chic…somehow we make it work

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