2453. Blame and Complain


Relationships don’t have to breakup as easily as I describe. I point to causes and effects that tend to crack and perhaps lead to crumbling and eventual separation.

A marriage boils down to the little things in life, and wife is the most able and influential to produce success or failure. It’s easy to drive a man away. Sex won’t hold him anytime, but his departure is speeded up if the little things in life irritate him sufficiently that he concludes he will receive less with another woman. I cite three wifely habits, the results of which impact a man negatively and can build up to be too much for him to stay with her.

Throw enough blame around and it can wreck a marriage. Wives can recover much more easily but wrecks still happen. Husbands are very vulnerable in two ways: 1) A husband has to prove the blamer wrong and expects to fight to the bitter end, which invites the same from his wife. It neutralizes the marital need for cooperation and matches spouses competitively, which makes a man more determined than ever to not lose an argument to his wife.

2) If 1) doesn’t apply or fails him, then he is supposed to feel guilty. Men reject guilt when imposed by someone else, especially women and more especially their own. There are few things more toxic than wife blaming a man for anything. Men achieve self-satisfaction in all that they do, so whatever they do they do right and beyond criticism. If they forget to do something, it may be another matter but the first sign of criticism makes a man think of fighting back rather than accepting the guilt his wife is likely trying to impose (which works on women but not men).

Blame overrides the harmonizing effect of her smiling in good spirits. Blame is the woman-to-man counterpart of physical abuse, and the former often invites the latter. With blame flying about in the home, the calm marital process that a man expects does not take place.

Blame poisons a relationship, and so do wifely complaints with weaker toxic effect. Consequently, a wife should find some other way to correct whatever needs fixing. Neither blaming nor complaining serves her nearly as well as her other talents and skills such as patience, imagination, guile, and advanced ability to talk her way into getting her way and making others like it.

It should be obvious. Men have so few expectations compared to women. It would not be on their list of expectations, but women expect to complain. They see it as a necessity to get what they want out of others, but they have better ways. All they have to do is stop, think, and search for another way to head toward a solution to whatever they want to complain about. More effective is this: Complain to self and look for another way to induce whatever action is necessary from someone else, especially a husband.

It is far easier for women to satisfy their man than the opposite. Great steps of progress are available when women learn to avoid blaming their man and complaining about whatever frustrates them. Of course, again, it just ain’t fair, if women have to do everything. But it is the price women have to pay for a good, solid, and maturely developed lifetime marriage.

——

The female dream of a lifetime marriage is easily disturbed by an innocence that sours the domestic atmosphere.  You ladies are unaware, so I plant a seed.

You’re not going to believe my next point, so I promise an article soonest in order to describe a common wifely habit that can contribute toward breakup. If wife routinely complains about being tired, she adds the kind of pressure that drives husbands away. She has far better options just awaiting development that can bring more closeness and discourage separation. I think I’ll use the title, “I’m not tired.”

6 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, Fickle female, How she loses, marriage

6 responses to “2453. Blame and Complain

  1. From my perspective, men have as many expectations as women do. (Or women have as few as men do in some ways.) Men just, by nature and by nurture, are more clear about their expectations and don’t try to hide them or justify them or otherwise downplay them. And they don’t change.

    Women don’t come right out and say in words of one syllable what they expect in a relationship, even to their women friends.

    Of course, when it comes to women and their expectations about men, it’s been made clear by WWNH that men don’t respond well to women being clear and direct.

    I don’t think what I want is that complicated. It’s just that, whether it’s part of my inborn makeup or whether it’s part of what I pick up from my culture AND from men themselves, I don’t feel that I can ever successfully, positively, encouragingly, respectfully just simply say what I want and how I feel.

    Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,

    “I don’t feel that I can ever successfully, positively, encouragingly, respectfully just simply say what I want and how I feel.”

    It’s the cautious feminine side of your nature. You’ve easily read the tea leaves of culture and men and chosen that route. Smart, mature woman that you are.

    Were you to express your wants and feelings as you describe, you would be misread and probably misunderstood. Although you may win the moment of your truth, you and others around would feel out of kilter for quite awhile. ‘What got into Edith? She’s not right or something’.

    Most people know better than to “ever successfully, positively, encouragingly, respectfully just simply say what I want and how I feel.” The more people figure you out for themselves, the more they believe and like their own opinions.

    It’s a great feeling to completely express oneself, but in the end it works against us. The more people know about you, the more they judge you. They can’t help it either; it’s their nature.

    Guy

    • My Husband's Wife

      Lady Edith brings up a good topic. This is a very interesting subject: women expressing themselves with verbal directness. I don’t know if anyone else hears this, but I notice in today’s culture, we are bombarded with messages that women should make known (to not only our husbands but to the world) our every want/need/feeling so we can get what we WANT—and worse, we’re ENTITLED to speak it and even given permission to act on it. Nothing is left private, kept to yourself, or held back for the benefit of others. Like you said Sir Guy, it might make someone feel good for the moment, but of course the long term effect is not a good one. Does expressing that need help the relationship (both parties) in general or does it just satisfy one party’s personal, selfish wishes at the time for short term relief rather than long-term results?

      By-the-way, I’ve been loving these past few series and discussion comments on WWNH!

      Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,

      “Does expressing that need help the relationship (both parties) in general or does it just satisfy one party’s personal, selfish wishes at the time for short term relief rather than long-term results?”

      It helps one in the short term. When a woman unloads with all her wishes and feelings, it generates suspicions in the masculine nature. What is she really after? Or so his curiosity thrives, and he comes to believe whatever he figures out. She claims to be truthful, which a suspicious person quickly figures out as false.

      It’s not that she’s not respected or believed, it’s that she’s acting outside the female character as men think they understand it. Men don’t believe in full disclosure, because they know they will be judged and found wanting. So, why would a woman do it? Ulterior motive? If so, she triggers his thoughts to stay focused on figuring out her ulterior motive, and so he pays little attention to her original purpose for disclosing her wishes or expectations.

      She may feel better for having unloaded, but he doesn’t that easily follow suit. Too many other considerations.

      Guy

      • My Husband's Wife

        Thank you, Sir Guy, for answering my question on disclosure. I see now how this would be viewed from a man’s perspective. Have a wonderful Sunday!

  2. Ari

    There is a married lady at church who seems to constantly complain about something. Just about every time I see her she has a twisted mouth, pursed lips, a grimace. She’s pretty enough but that look makes her appear unattractive. I have often wondered “is she ever happy?” I mention that she’s married because I can only imagine what her marriage is like. If she’s unhappy because her marriage is bad or the other way around. Her husband doesn’t attend church.
    And she’s not the only one…second lady is bossy and has been disrespectful to her husband in public many times as well as our preacher. They are scary women.

  3. Milena

    I’m a bit confused. I’ve read elsewhere that it’s better to be clear and direct towards men (in a respectful way of course, as we would treat anyone) because men are not good at taking hints. And to back up your directness with actions instead of talking about it endlessly until the man zones you out.
    (I guess the later would be considered complaining!)

    I don’t see how it’s healthy for a woman to always have to hide what is bothering her, or am I misunderstanding you? Wouldn’t a man who is devoted to her want to know if there is something wrong, so he could try and fix it? Of course we all need to take responsibility for our feelings and learn to make ourselves happy, but if her husband is showing lack of respect or consideration towards her, I don’t think a wife should just patiently smile and take it. In that case, it would be better to be single with your self-respect and well-being intact.

    Your Highness Milena,
    Thank you. Your comment inspired today’s post, 2354.
    Guy

  4. gonemaverick

    i like this statement, the “ability to talk her way into getting her way and making others like it.”

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