2454. Blame and Complain: An Unsurprising Reaction

Her Highness Milena at 2453 makes a good case to justify what women do today. It’s logical, reasonable, stems from pop culture, which stems from Feminism, but which doesn’t work all that successfully with men. Such belief puts women at disadvantage because of the very different nature of men and women.

Without knowing why, modern women find that marital solidarity kind of weakens or fades. Husband just doesn’t work out to be the man a woman expects. It’s a sign that he dislikes what’s happening around him, and she’s usually in charge of that.

So, I have to verbalize why Milena’s model seems to work but believers unsuspectingly produce what they don’t want. Her paragraphs follow broken up so my comments can follow her statements.

“I’m a bit confused. I’ve read elsewhere that it’s better to be clear and direct towards men (in a respectful way of course, as we would treat anyone) because men are not good at taking hints.” It’s accurate and well-phrased. It’s the modern mantra developed to confirm equality. However, men do take hints; they simply pay more attention to people they highly respect. (Admittedly, women are more skillful at taking hints, and so they expect men to be the same.)

“And to back up your directness with actions instead of talking about it endlessly until the man zones you out. (I guess the latter would be considered complaining!)” Directness with actions should resolve her problem. Example: ‘Honey, the hose was leaking and flooding my flower bed. So, I tightened the fitting and it worked’. It’s a good reason to mention it. Her fixing it changes a complaint into more self-respect, which enables her to show more respect for hubby, which he sees as greater worth in her, which then strengthens the marital process.

“I don’t see how it’s healthy for a woman to always have to hide what is bothering her, or am I misunderstanding you?” You’re right. It’s not healthy but it’s not unhealthy either. If she’s looking for a solution or working on resolving what bothers her, hiding it doesn’t bother her. OTOH, if she’s so frustrated that she has to dump it on hubby, surrounding every frustration is a swarm of gratitude that can calm the frustration. She does, however, need to teach herself to let frustration trigger her to look for what all she otherwise possesses. Finding gratitude has a very calming effect on the female nature.

“Wouldn’t a man who is devoted to her want to know if there is something wrong, so he could try and fix it?” Absolutely, but it’s all in the telling. Directness can too easily come across as an order. Indirectness can easily come across as she depends on him.

“Of course we all need to take responsibility for our feelings and learn to make ourselves happy….” Dumping her problems on hubby does not make her happy although she may enjoy doing it (and perhaps even vengefully). Happiness flows from her gratitude for who she is and what she possesses that help generate her good life. Born to be good, she only needs to do good; the encouraging key to which is gratitude.

Can she be more grateful that she has a husband than what she wants to complain about? If so, she just took a step toward getting what she wants without disturbing his feelings toward her with blame or complaint. Encouraged by newly cited gratefulness, she naturally turns to her talents and skills as a relationship expert to produce a result that pleases her and hubby. Once she appreciates how grateful she is for all that she has, her attitude changes to love first and find fault and express blame never. Earning her way to happiness by finding more and more for which to be grateful naturally steers her clear of disturbing the peace and harmony she has already worked so hard to produce.

“…but if her husband is showing lack of respect or consideration towards her, I don’t think a wife should just patiently smile and take it.” Right! But she has other options than confronting him, which brings out blame, complaint, or expectation that he must do something to suit her. That is the result of directness, it raises his competitive hostility and men intend to not lose battles with their wives.

Demanding respect or special consideration from someone earns the opposite. It signifies lack of self-respect in the one who demands or even politely asks for respect.

A man’s respect of a woman forms before conquest. A different kind of respect grows after that from her accomplishments that he can admire. Prime examples: 1) She talks to God and turns her life around to follow Jesus Christ such that he admires both her dedication and new way that she views him. If she’s already saved, she gets closer to Jesus. 2) She develops new lifestyle habits at her morning mirror that empower her to take greater charge of her life and those around her. It’s a good place to ID all the things for which she’s grateful, which also puts her on the road to happiness and changes her attitude to a winner instead of complainer or one routinely needing help. (See the mirror time series at 2123-2127 plus others listed in CONTENT page.)

“In that case, it would be better to be single with your self-respect and well-being intact.” Yes, you can easily exchange places with another woman who seeks a man, while you start looking again. If a woman looks and finds gratefulness in her life, she won’t be thinking about that option.

Most women prefer the misery of marital uncertainty to the certainty of single-life misery. For those who prefer the former, I recommend devotion to God or devotion to self. More church for the former, more mirror time for the latter.

It goes further. Women like to object that men claim she’s his woman, in effect he owns her. OTOH, she can own everything else in her life when she relies on her natural skills, talents, and interpersonal abilities to generate and manage her relationship and marriage. She elevates him to chairman of the board and herself as CEO. In real life, CEOs don’t complain to their chairman. Their worthiness arises out of their serene management as the chairman sees it. She works to make everything work but reserves veto power for him. When it works that way to his pleasure, she has uncorked Mr. Right. It’s not short but a rewarding journey for a wife.

Thank you, Milena, for a well-prepared and -expressed comment. That I disagree reflects our political differences. What you cite has no bearing on how well you’re appreciated for this contribution to better understanding men and women. You opened a door that has needed opening for a long time.


Filed under Dear daughter, Feminism: OOPS!, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

6 responses to “2454. Blame and Complain: An Unsurprising Reaction

  1. Sarina

    ‘Most women prefer the misery of marital uncertainty to the certainty of single-life misery’. How true, married women to acceptable men should consider themselves fortunate. Being single is painful even though one can get accustomed to it, there’s still that desire to be of need to a man, to nest and to be useful to a special someone. I hate it when I’m outside, couples everywhere. I think complaining and blaming is also unfruitful for dating, a guy might tire easily and there’s plenty of women available.

    • Meow Meow

      Haha I am not so sure that one rings true for me. I wasn’t miserable when i was single because i was glass-half full—maybe I was meant to help the world in other ways! Maybe I’ll meet a special someone around the corner! (There is always the future after all.) Being single gives me more time to volunteer/go dancing/practice flirting/travel/read etc. And when things have not been going well in marriage I often wish I was single again! Maybe I was just shallow i guess….had never thought I would get married anyway as I had a passion, volunteering, that was time consuming and made me very happy. Yes married women to acceptable men should look on the bright side. But marital uncertainty when you’ve been given reason to feel that the man you are with is not a good man after all is another thing entirely and can lead to feeling trapped/affairs/rampant fear and worse. Peace has become more of a priority in my life lately and I think my husband has come to respect that because he finally realized that i was getting to the point where I felt that being single would be honestly a huge relief for me. That I could love him, but be OK on my own too. Now he has seemed to turn around and man up all on his own decision in a way that years of my nagging did not accomplish! By making himself happy I am made happy and at peace too.

  2. “Can she be more grateful that she has a husband than what she wants to complain about? If so, she just took a step toward getting what she wants without disturbing his feelings toward her with blame or complaint”

    Amen! The modern world is all about “female empowerment,” but actually delivers the precise opposite. Gratitude without complaint or blame is powerful stuff, it has a way of bringing out the best in men.

    Your Highness Insanitybytes22,
    That, darling, is a wonderful endorsement of what I thought might not be clear enough. Thank you. You continue to amaze.

  3. Milena

    Thank you for the elucidation and for taking the time to turn it into a whole post. I’m still learning. 🙂

    I’m currently single and would prefer to remain that way over being miserable in marriage. I know how to delight myself with simple things and make myself happy. I’m grateful for that aspect of myself because it helps me to avoid becoming the seller instead of the buyer.

    Your Highness Milena,
    Your last sentence reflects the growth of wisdom. Keep at it; your wishes will come true.

  4. Cote

    I think guys prefer us that we use our “feminine wiles” to get what we want – rather than argue with them competitively. Really weird, but they do fall for it.

    Your Highness Cote,
    It’s one of a woman’s strengths, because it pretty much forces her to use indirectness and patience, which pleases men and produces her effectiveness.
    Your wisdom grows.

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