2457. Consequences of Rejection for Sex

Modern society works different than expected and directly against women. It produces certain motivations on all men and intolerable effects on some.

Old school. Most women seek marriage before sex. When a woman denies sex to the man, he doesn’t take rejection personally. He blames the rejectionist for moral, religious, or female hang-ups, and it assuages his ego. His self-esteem and self-image may take hits, but he recovers easily. He understands that each woman is in charge of sexual mores and her own assets, and his self-interest keeps him in pursuit until discouraged or he conquers her. Sex targets are normal and men pursue without taking rejection so personal they want to punish the unyielding.

New school. When most females provide free, open, and even casual sex with little or no commitment, males take rejection personally. A man knows she’s doing it with other guys but not him. Why just him? His self-esteem bottoms out. His self-image as a ‘good man’ with a woman dwindles. His ego takes a humongous hit after his imagination ruminates over each gal’s put-down. His self-interest shifts toward inflicting revenge.

Some males cannot recover from one and much less repeated refusals. Repeated rejections can spin boy or man toward awful revenge—think stalkers, school massacres, date rapists, serial rapists.

It’s easy to blame men; they are supposed to be civilized and women have no influence over them acting otherwise. It’s because women don’t know jack about Jack or enough about Jill.

Men are programmed at birth to accomplish things, and first time sex with attractive women ranks high among their ambitions. It’s their first call to order on this planet. Their prime motivation of self-admiration aims them at accomplishments, and attractive women are everywhere. Ambitions aim them at the possible. Conquests produce personal satisfaction, which is the equivalent of female happiness. The accumulation of satisfactions delivers a sense of significance, aka their ego, which women love to cite as basis for blame.

As with women, frustration over something vital can induce unusual and even strange behavior. In older times, requests for sex followed a lengthy date/courtship, a road that men had to pave even before they asked. Modern women have so few and low hurdles that men expect a quick dash to the bed. Hurdles knock down easily and road doesn’t need paving. Just gravel to fill mud holes caused by inconvenience.

I claim old school culture was superior to fulfill women’s ambitions for a lifelong marriage and family. But that’s not the purpose here.

Men possess two very different sex drives as described in 2423. The primary drive aims to conquer attractive females and move on to the next. The old school culture harnessed and tamed that drive to give women a better chance at marriage and family; men had to obligate themselves to achieve sexual conquest.

New school culture removes restrictions and men are free to elevate their most primitive but most urgent sex drive to hit and run. They don’t obligate themselves because women don’t require it. Marriage is both tougher to achieve and rougher to keep. Women like to blame men, but men are having none of it and their desire to marry grows weaker each year. As women go so goes society.


Filed under courtship, marriage, old school, sex differences

15 responses to “2457. Consequences of Rejection for Sex

  1. etu

    Sir Guy, what would be the reasons why a guy wouldnt kiss a girl? I’ve been talking to a certain guy for a while now. He expresses himself in letters and email saying he hopes we are meant to be, never had a prospect like this etc. After our first meeting he gave me a long hug and called me on my way home and said I just wanted to hug you and kiss you in the parking lot. Our second meeting he didnt kiss me but brought it up and said something about a husband and wife kissing for the first time at a wedding but said he didnt know and asked me what I thought. Recently spent a week with him. He kissed me on the neck and cheek and later commented he hadnt had a gf or kiss in 25 years. He asked me if I was a good kisser; I said idk I have never kissed myself. He asked me also at the second meet if I thought it was the guys prerogative to kiss. During the weeklong stay at points he seemed t almost

    • Etu

      Sorry got cut off. But during the week stay at points he seemed to almost be teasing me with it, holding my face and slowly drawing me closer only to let go. He wanted to hug and cuddle a lot and did kiss me a few times on cheek/neck. He also tried to put his hand in my jeans. Why do all this and no kiss? Hes 53 and lives with his mom btw. No real relationships and he seems to be pulling away ….

      Your Highness Etu,
      You have many red flags flying in your face. I’d say he’s damaged goods and likely unrecoverable at that age and with mom to care for. Don’t fool yourself any longer. Best to jump off that bus before mom throws you under and he can find neither steering wheel nor brakes.

      • Meow Meow

        Honestly Etu this sounds a little spooky to me……How did you feel about it?

        • Etu

          It is so good to get other people’s input, Meow Meow, so thank you I felt rejected. I mean…I know there are arguments for waiting until marriage to kiss…but this guy had no problems hugging, cuddling, handholding, PDA. We were alone quite a lot….more than we should have been I would say. He would bring up kissing every so often and I think even said at some point, do you wonder why I’m not kissing you? It’s not because I don’t want to. The part where I felt teased…I don’t understand that at all. What did he get out of drawing in my face like that so slowly and then not kissing me. He said at that point it had been 25 years since he’d kissed someone. Our whole interaction has felt like a dream until the week I spent there.

      • Etu

        Thank you Sir Guy. I come here to get reality. This whole interaction with this guy has been like nothing I have ever experienced. Gifts, long, long correspondence, feeling so good about the prospect of possibly a husband. His mother is 94 and the queen of the house- won’t even let them get someone to help clean and cook while this guy works the farm, so he cleans and cooks when he finds time. (She cooks too which looks like it might potentially be dangerous). I’m 2 decades younger than him I confess…he is in great shape, much more so than me. Anytime we do anything outdoorsy he would run ahead of me, commenting I needed to tone up etc which I do….he said he wanted me ‘fit for adventure.’ I felt simultaneously beautiful because of his comments and not good enough. His internet went out and he calls me once a week now, which he always did but not supplementing with email. He talks about the Lord’s will a lot and recently started a business but has run into some problems. A theme in his life is, anytime he gets involved in anything and an obstacle appears, he questions whether it was the Lord’s will to jump in..and subtlely hints that is the case with us. The last few months he has asked me to pray and fast for God to give us either a visible sign that we should be together or make scripture stand out to us to confirm that this is right between us. I emphasize that my ‘sign’ is a Christian man who will lead me. Last time we talked I asked him if he wanted it to work between us. He very carefully said in several ways, “I would want it to work between us.” He said he needs to be 100 percent sure essentially, harkening back to a time he thought he should go into full time ministry and was told if you are 99 percent sure, you need that 1 percent. I am afraid he will never have that 1 percent with me. But before he gets there I think I need to be jumping off that bus…even though it hurts. 😦

        • That Horse Is Dead

          Lady Etu,
          This just feels all wrong to me. It sounds like a power play at best and at worst a mental disorder. I would run from this man, especially since you are so young. “Damaged goods” sounds about right. I had a similar experience in my thirties with a man who would do the same thing, tease with seductive kisses on the neck and cheek but never on the mouth — while at the same time getting overly touchy in other places. It made me feel terribly rejected, “I want you, but I don’t want you.” I allowed this behavior to continue for eight months, and he asked me to marry him (no ring of course). Then, he changed his mind and was gone from my life a week later. Poof! This was THE event that drove me to find answers, and I stumbled upon WWNH. He is now in the “thank God” category of my life.

          • That Horse Is Dead

            Forgot to add that just before he disappeared, he told his mother we were getting married who, according to him, was not happy about it. A few days later and he was gone without explanation.

            • Etu

              Lady That Horse is Dead,

              It’s uncanny the similarities of our experiences, and I am so grateful for your advice!! I have come here before asking about this warped situation, and it’s made me confront the fact that mummy may have a part to play in all this, too. She was in the hospital a few days while I visited and joked when she came back and I was sitting in her chair that he had already found someone to replace her. I confess that I snuck into his room while he was working. It looked like the room of a 12 year old boy. twin bed (nothing wrong with that), but just….the feel that a kid lived there. I wanted to see if he displayed any of the many pics I sent him. Nothing. we went to a wedding together and his mother carried on that we must have been a handsome couple. She also commented to me that he never found anyone he could gel with and stopped looking…which isnt exactly true, but he doesn’t approach women and he worries that he is too forward, even now with me. no end and no beginning here. There were times during the visit that he was a bit condescending too which was a big change from our correspondence….hurt my heart.

              • That Horse Is Dead

                Like Sir Guy says above, it’s only a matter of time before mother throws you in front of the bus. Better a little pain now leaving him in the dust than 5, 10, or more years of pain and misery.

              • gonemaverick

                Etu, now that you mention you “have come here before asking about this warped situation”, i vividly remember your enquiry to Sir Guy a while back. Try and follow through on his advice this time. He is hardly ever wrong.

                I wish you well.

              • Etu

                I agree, Your Highness That Horse. Mother can’t live forever at 94..but still will those mental repercussions last? I just wanted him to truly want me and not throw in my face that he doesn’t know if I’m the one and this might not be God’s will….this is my first real heartbreak and hopefully a darn good lesson.

                Your Highness Gone Maverick: point well taken. Thank you for the concern sweet.

        • Meow Meow

          I would thank my lucky stars you did not get further involved physically (although I don’t know why kissing would be thought of as wrong before marriage…most of my Christian friends did not seem to think so!) but so sorry that this situation has taken a strange turn. I hate to say but his thinking patterns and behavior do sound rigid/bizarre. I am sure he is attractive as you describe him but now is the time you would want to see his chivalry, gentleness, open heart, kindness, desire for togetherness, connection……not teasing, criticizing, playing games, withdrawing. And the living with mom sounds like their relationship is his first priority.

          See what happens if you withdraw most of your attention and start looking at healthy guys closer to your own age. I am married to a much older man and age differences do present challenges we are in the process of dealing with. I love him very much, however things I never thought about have come up and it’s important not to be isolated. It sounds like he lives off the beaten path? Anyway, be cautious moving forward…keep us posted!

          • Etu

            Thanks so much Your Highness Meow Meow. Actually he is not really an attractive guy. He is fit but not aging well facially. He is weird about taking pics with me- we went to the wedding and were all dressed up and he practically ran from the cameras. He likes to wear sunglasses in his pics even those of us in a cave- he doesn’t even look like the same person with sunglasses on. However visiting him in his home country and seeing him work the farm, I became physically attracted to him for the first time ever. We have a certain decorum on the phone and email is wonderful- I think we both pour out our heart to an extent. But in person I feel like he is degrees of condescending. At a meal where we should have been relaxed and flirtatious he got on the subject of all the dates I had ever been on…he wanted every little detail. Then he started picking fights with me about political topics that I thought we both agreed on. I told him a lot about my dysfunctional family on the car ride back down. I said, I know that’s not my skeleton…and he said, that is your baggage by association. He is withdrawing from me and I thought at one point he was the one. He is not opening up to me like he did on the phone and in email. He took me around to meet his friends, met his brother, showed me off and now this. I would love to keep you updated but not sure you want to watch this train wreck. I have always had a disposition toward older guys- about 20 years older. Of course I don’t plan for the reality of that in most cases. Thanks again for your advice dear.

            • Meow Meow

              Haha yes I always found older guys very attractive (if not physically than because they tend to be interesting people/carry on conversation well) generally, which explains my marriage:) Yes the reality of being in a May-December relationship….for a long time age doesn’t seem to matter than suddenly can surprise you both! You can love one another dearly….yet still be amazed at how fast change can happen. However, I (younger) could be biking down the road and be hit by a wayward school bus, no one knows how long they have so should cherish their love and happy moments. Did not know you and your fella lived in different countries, maybe that explains some of his perspectives/comments? Wishing you well.

  2. Why have men been raping women since the beginning of time?

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