2460. Narcissistic/Codependent Marriage

Her Highness Femme raised questions about the narcissistic/codependent marriage? “Why is it so common these days, do you think? Has it always been around or is it a more recent phenomenon?”

It’s an effect that has always been around, because the cause has always been present. However, in our former old school culture the cause was much rarer. Society changed after the leftist revolutionaries brought us the cultural and sexual revolutions, and one result is more narcissistic adults and codependent marriages.

The cause is poor fathering and mothering. When the Baby Boomer generation jumped the cultural track to follow leftist politics, each of seven or eight generations* progressively weakened their ability to parent in the centuries-old traditional mold. Some may remember mottoes like ‘Don’t listen to anyone over thirty,’ which was propaganda aimed against parental leadership. Striking back against parental teaching and traditional values, each generation grew weaker at producing better adults.

Feminism accelerated the move into fashion and mothers especially developed child-raising techniques that work contrary to developing admirable adults.

As poorer kids and adults appeared in society, parents responded by trying to produce better kids, which they measured by how better the parents felt when the kids reflected credit on them. Then, kids started appearing as difficult and unmanageable; boys needful of Ritalin and girls victims of something of their own doing. It’s narrow but an accurate description of the path to narcissism and codependence.

You can see signs of the following in modern mothers. They over-manage to prevent independent play, over-train to make parents look good, over-supervise to prevent kids making mistakes, and over-dramatize their tiredness for having to do too much. Moms, in effect, cancel children’s ability to learn by themselves, to self-develop. They even award prizes for non-achievement, which is the ignorant and self-defeating practice aimed at improving self-esteem and which has the opposite effect. (Ignorant in that self-esteem can’t be upgraded but self-image is adversely affected.)

Momma is always close by and telling them what and what not to do. She insists on directing kids’ lives so that kids learn too little by themselves. Then, mom complains she’s overworked. She does too much for others to make her feel good about herself, but the process ruins kids for adulthood.

Kids have no responsibility placed on them except to be good kids and make the parents look good, responsible, and as over achievers. However, raised for that purpose, they become poor adults. Kids raised to be good adults—while parents absorb blame for all the embarrassing moments—become what parents and other adults hope to see.

Beginning when a child’s conscious mind opens in the third year of life, they become a self-developer and it lasts for life. That’s why people don’t want to be told HOW to do; they want to figure it out themselves. You can see it in toddlers, and it makes the popular technique of over-nurturing harmful to development.

What you see in the narcissistic/codependent marriage is adultolescents. They were denied self-development. They were always told HOW to live, eat, play, relate, dress, talk, not offend, be pleasant when it’s not felt, and do everything else according to parental directives. They were seldom encouraged to earn rewards and released to make and live with their mistakes. Without that development intent, they never learned that recovery is everything, which means they don’t know how to handle much in the way of adult matters.

When they passed through puberty, they lacked adult values, standards, and expectations, and their minds filled up with teenage pop culture values, standards, and expectations. Consequently, they don’t escape adolescence even though they are physically mature. What’s left wives see as narcissism and co-dependence in their mates. Sometimes husbands see that in their mates.

*I perceive a new generation when kids enter first grade and leave home for a time their own, so to speak. Their siblings six or seven years younger will live a sub-culture life very different in toys, music, attractions, values, standards, expectations, banter, chatter, terms, popular vocabulary, and friends. It makes each generation different from the previous, and society changes much more frequently than before prosperity enabled such explosive change.



Filed under Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, marriage, nurturing, Sociology 101

6 responses to “2460. Narcissistic/Codependent Marriage

  1. Shermy

    Yup, sounds right

  2. Miss Gina

    Very insightful, Sir Guy.

    I would offer thoughts on an additional cause or two. Immature parents who require children to minister to the parents’ immature needs in various ways (caretaking, or expecting child to take the role of an adult, as in emotional incest, or depending on child to be peacemaker, or emotional mess cleaner-upper) tend to produce children who don’t understand how to function in normal human relationships. They will likely gravitate toward immature mates who expect the same types of things. Ditto those parents who fail to provide stable and cohesive homes and family (exonerating, of course, those for whom it is no fault of their own and who do their best to manage things in a mature way). Those children will tend to gravitate toward the unstable and even neglectful types of mates, I believe. This is again due to the same causes you mentioned in the post propagated through self-centered, immature, and shallow humanistic/leftist pop culture as opposed to mature, stable, Christian adult responsibility and self-sacrifice. So wonderful that the human heart and brain are re-programmable, so nothing is set in stone. 🙂

    Your Highness Miss Gina,
    I agree with Shermy. Excellent additions.

    • Shermy

      Excellent additions Miss Gina! As a person whose had to reprogram (and continues to reprogram) from dysfunctional familial patterns, it is NO small feat and is NOT for the faint of heart. You need an INCREDIBLE emotional support network to navigate that path, all because someone didn’t take full responsibility on their own role.

      • My Husband's Wife

        Congratulations, Shermy on your recovery process!

        I do have a question for Sir Guy (or anyone else for that matter who may have had some experience) about recovery from dysfunctional familial patterns: Is it more difficult for men to recover than women? When you see a man who is an adult, still struggling with issues due to poor parenting, and knows the cause and how it’s manifesting, but doesn’t go further to fix it…why not? And what would be the trigger for a man to actually go and do the hard work necessary to face it/tackle it? What does a woman do if a loved one has been struggling and she knows her man needs help (this could manifest in anything from alcoholism, to affairs, to anger, gambling, etc.) Do they have to get the point where they think they’ll lose something?

        (For example: It’s hard enough to get my dad to go to a doctor even after having chest pains and admit he could use medical help—I just don’t see a lot of men tackling their emotional issues from family dysfunction…so they just suffer?)

        Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,

        Women are very different. Judging themselves primarily against others, they sense shortcomings and can easily seek help to be more effective. However, they try to use woman-think on men and it doesn’t work, right?

        Men don’t judge their self-worth and decisions compared to others; they just are who they are. Consequently, they don’t recognize that they were ‘misshaped’ by familial dysfunction. Even if they perceive shortcomings, they upgrade with their own mind. To blame their upbringing is to admit they have faults, which implies they should change: They don’t want to, they don’t know how, and they can’t admit to others that they lack something or are wrong-headed—too embarrassing or denigrating to their sense of significance.

        Men don’t have emotional issues, so they don’t “suffer” as women might think. They have options and make choices to act or not. They have everything under control and resist women trying to convince them otherwise. In cases like your father, have all females back off and shut up. Try to find a male friend or family member to chat him up for some other path or choice.

        As for alcoholism, anger, and gambling, get professional help. Keep the wife out of the picture on the premise she had something to do with it. Also, if he undergoes treatment, she will naturally examine herself and her role and modify her behavior to do better. If wife undergoes treatment, the same does not apply to husband.

        The foregoing is not professional advice so weigh and use it accordingly. It’s based on the highly different natures that the sexes use to guide them.


        • My Husband's Wife

          I very much appreciate the explanation here and will pass along—wow, what a difference in how the sexes are built, especially in this area of perceiving faults. I think this quote is so valuable: “To blame their upbringing is to admit they have faults, which implies they should change: They don’t want to, they don’t know how, and they can’t admit to others that they lack something or are wrong-headed—too embarrassing or denigrating to their sense of significance.”

          And about my father: You’re so right in saying to have all females back off. He had my mom and two sisters constantly on him to go to the doctor and he just dug in his heels deeper to not go and get checked. Their approach did not work at all and actually made things worse.

    • anon...

      I’ve even seen strange parenting in the 1970s, when parents started to kiss small toddlers on the MOUTH!!
      I don’t think that’s wise, Since this is where the groom is supposed to kiss the bride.
      I think kissing cheeks, etc is fine though

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