2469a. Response to Milena — Part I


Your Highness Milena,

Your comments at post 2468 are so clear and well thought out that I owe you more. I originally mistook it as anger. I retreat and respond by copying you  below and responding in bold and two parts.

Guy

——

Hi Sir Guy,

Doesn’t the woman give up her freedom as well as she gets married, even more than the man?

A. In the female nature, freedom is insignificant compared to that of the male. Her primal want is for someone stronger upon whom she can rely for help when needed and companionship when wanted. His primal want is for personal independence, which makes it a huge recruiting challenge for women, if they want a man of their own.

(according to the traditional view of marriage as you described, where the woman is supposed to be the flexible, easy-going one, who never complains or else.)

A. Women are naturally flexible and can and do change to get their way and what they want. Men tend to not change and especially not at a woman’s insistence (except to please a woman into yielding their first sex together).

You have not read here that women should be easy going or never complain or else. The greatest effect wives have on husbands—in order for the wife to get her way in their life together—is for him to enjoy a life of her smiles and her lack of complaining. It’s extremely simplified, but he’s in marriage mostly for satisfying R&R; she’s there to create relationships, build family togetherness, and earn happiness.

(Feminists tend to call it unequal, but just calling it that forms a bias within a couple that generates competition and makes lasting togetherness more unlikely. The more feminine and thereby smarter wives specialize in avoiding competition and getting their way with cooperation.)

Why should only the man be rewarded for [giving up freedom]?

A.Because it is so important that he can’t be recruited and held by one woman unless he’s rewarded for husbanding and fathering. Frequent and convenient access to sex is his ‘right’ earned by conquest. She gave in so he must be good enough for her. Her acceptance wins her greatest asset, so he is good enough to own their sexual agenda.

Moreover, women refuse to understand or accept this. Sex bonds her but conquest doesn’t bond him. Actually two things happen. First, his respect of her for resisting his mighty and determined effort stops growing. The growing respect she earns proportional to diligent guarding of her sexual assets ends abruptly. She’s another conquered woman, and his sex drive shifts from pursuit to whim. Second, he’s free in his mind to move on. It’s nature, whether women like it or not. So, if they don’t get ‘hooks’ of commitment deeply embedded in a man’s psyche before conquest, he may just move on without her. 

To be honest, I don’t quite see the advantages for women in getting married.

A. By nature men are present oriented and women future oriented. Marriage is the glue that fulfills her nature to mold a lasting relationship in family building. First, to have someone she can love before and care for with children around. Second, to have a mutually supportive companionship late in life. Her advantages come from the gratitude she finds and distributes along the way that earn her a sense of being happy.

As to her man, he gets whatever she provides in terms of a satisfying life together. When she does it right, she finds after a couple of decades that he has morphed into her Mr. Right, which makes her a more grateful woman. Admittedly after the fact, but that’s the life of a woman; her rewards come late in life because she lives for the future and not the present as do men.

In fact, I’m beginning to think that I’d rather not. Why should I put all this effort in trying to be a perfect wife so my husband doesn’t run off with a younger specimen, when there are so many more interesting things to do?

A. Just like with sex, the perfect wife will never be able to hold a man. Such a wife effectively pushes him out the door. Measuring by what is produced, just about anything is more interesting than trying to be the perfect wife.

My biggest fear is not to be abandoned, but to be enslaved to someone else’s wants and needs.

A. I smell feminist propaganda. What part of wanting to love someone makes thoughts of enslavement arise? Any such connection makes love impossible. In fact, true love seeks to fulfill another’s wants and needs.

This is a good point to break. Continued tomorrow as Part II.

9 Comments

Filed under courtship, feminine, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

9 responses to “2469a. Response to Milena — Part I

  1. Milena

    Thank you, sir Guy. I feel honoured to have two posts dedicated to my comment! 🙂 I will give it some thought and perhaps get back to you later, if I have more questions.

  2. silberstreak

    “My biggest fear is not to be abandoned, but to be enslaved to someone else’s wants and needs.”.

    Better to be “enslaved” to the wants and needs of a loving husband than to those of a bottom-line Boss.

    We all of us have to serve somebody.

    • Milena

      A husband is not always loving nor is a boss always disagreeable or exploitative. But I think what I really meant was that I’m scared of being enslaved to feelings for someone who would be bad for me and would take advantage of me, because it’s easy to allow feelings of wanting to please someone who is good to you and pays attention to your needs too.

      • Meow Meow

        Yes I’d rather be enslaved by nobody at all!

        Anyway, there is certainly a “Like it or lump it” quality about men that Sir Guy catches. The way he describes “The Primal Male Nature” sounds remarkably similar to…well, a big dog! (I don’t mean in the scoffing “all men are dogs” tone. Bear with me.)

        Most big dogs love adventure, activity, exploring, and pleasure. Dogs like to be with other dogs in a pack. They will not listen to anyone they are not devoted to. Although they can bring happiness, companionship and protection to one’s life, they can also be smelly, loud, competitive, easily distracted, and sometimes even dangerous.

        Well before people get angry about me comparing men to dogs they seem an awful lot like how Sir Guy describes the male nature in its uncivilized state. To live with such a beast is not for everyone. You will always live with some level of risk/responsibility no matter how much you may enjoy its company and love it. And you always lose some degree of your own freedom when you allow other beings into your life that you live with and/or
        take care of. (People certainly included!)

        Although many/most women want to be married and have a family anyways, not every single woman will decide that is the life for them.

        There are women who have taken other paths in life that did not involve family life…many artists, writers, explorers, actresses, scientists, philanthropists and social workers. One does not have to have a family for one’s life to “mean something”, have an enjoyable existence, or contribute to the world. Not every little girl played with dollies growing up! However, these free-spirited ladies did tend to devote their lives to one cause or another. As a result, their relationships tended to be unconventional. Even today, balancing work and family life is hard.

        Love will always be a risk, but at the end of the day, as long as you maintain your sense of integrity/femininity, don’t accept poor treatment, and trust yourself, you are doing the best you can to mitigate risk and can love wholeheartedly, with no regrets.

        • Milena

          I definitely agree that the married life is not for everyone, nor should it be. Accepting or not accepting poor treatment is more than a matter of will, I think, especially if you have no clear image of what constitutes poor treatment. Not all of us grow up in loving homes where parents feed your sense of self-esteem and make you feel important. This creates a dysfunctional sense of what love is, setting you up to feel attracted to dysfunctional people who feel familiar because of what you have experienced in childhood. Our brain is then wired to recognise poor treatment and others making you jump through hoops in order to earn their approval as ‘love’ and the attempt to rewire it takes a lot of time, effort and self-awareness.

          I think a lot of women who experienced this get triggered by vague-and-unavailable-behaviour from men, reminding them of their struggle as a child to please their parents (in vain) and seeing a chance of resolving the past by finally getting the love and approval they have been so yearning for, which of course doesn’t work. It’s like trying to draw water from a stone and it feels excruciating. That’s why I appreciate sir Guy’s posts on self-gratitude and how to deal with “hard to get” men. It has helped me a lot, although the intense feelings of attraction to these men haven’t changed.

          As to your comparison of men to dogs, I definitely see where you are coming from. Also, animals have a lot of admirable qualities when you take the time to study them, so it shouldn’t be considered as something degrading. We are all part of the creation that God considered ‘good’.

          Your Highness Milena,
          Very clearly and nicely expressed. Well done. I hope your contributions continue. (I wish I knew your age.)
          Guy

          • Milena

            Thank you. I am 25 🙂

            Your Highness Milena,
            Your maturity shines and willingness to learn even brighter.
            Guy

          • Meow Meow

            Abolutely Milena! When I compare people to other animals, it is not because I see either as “less than” the other, but that we all share similar qualities, yes, as part of Creation.

            As for not accepting poor treatment, i am myself very recently coming from a place where I did. Wanting to please the Vague and Unavailable Man seemed to come naturally to me. For the longest time, for precisely the reasons you describe, first with a very judgmental, absent, hard to please father. When my husband also fell into a pattern of treating me terribly I did not see it for what it was soon enough, because it felt very familiar. In fact it is largely recently, because of Sir Guy’s blog that I’ve come to see that femininity/being a lady does not involve putting up with poor treatment and our own doormat behavior. Such a thing diminishes our value to ourselves and also to our loved ones.

            I don’t mean “not accepting it” as an act of will, but developing your own sense of awareness about how mistreatment really makes you feel. And what you want to do about that. Its a growth process. And your concerns are completely valid. For some women it takes a very bad experience to get them to reconsider how they have been relating to the world. But at 25, you already seem pretty aware of yourself and how you tend to relate to others, so I’d say you are way ahead of the game. I don’t think one can walk around fearful all the time, but being connected to your own feeling nature and femininity—like a deer in the woods—will alert you when something is wrong and guide you to greener pastures.:)

            • Milena

              I agree completely, Meow Meow 🙂 We teach people how to treat us, and being aware of what disrespect and mistreatment looks like is the first step. I also like your reference to deer, because I do feel my personality is very deer-like 😉

    • gonemaverick

      silberstreak hi,

      i was looking for a “like” button. so spoiled. #smiling.

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