2472. Advice from My Husband’s Wife


I describe how the sexes are born differently and leave it to readers to figure out what’s best for them. My Husband’s Wife has spun a good description of modern life after people have learned what they think are the lessons for living better. She asks to be corrected if she’s wrong, but I send nothing but applause and, “Thank you.”

——

Dear Lady Milena,

I completely agree with your very wise assessment of the current soulmate culture today and the notion that romantic/erotic love is the ultimate in seeking a partner/marriage. This relationship model is a recipe for failure and disappointment as the love is really quite selfish: how does he make me feel, what am I getting out of this relationship, etc. And then how many people end up cutting their soulmate off when they don’t live up to the false fantasy they’ve created? The functional model of man/woman working together to help each other in a unit for raising children is gone. Even children are mostly gone from marriage these days so what are you left with?

About your comment: “It just makes me sad to think that men wouldn’t be able to respect women who see sex not as something you give as a reward, but as something that is to be mutually enjoyed with someone you trust and like (even if this is outside of marriage).” There is another way of looking at this that helped me understand this phenomenon, hopefully I can explain it correctly—and Sir Guy, correct me if I’m wrong!

A man’s brain is compartmentalized…ever noticed how you can’t talk to a man when their watching a game? They just aren’t wired to multitask as such. One thing at a time! Whereas a woman’s brain is more integrated, we fuse our emotions with our actions. With a compartmentalized brain, a man can EASILY disassociate sex from feeling/bonding. However, being more integrated, the woman usually mixes sex + feelings. That’s the reason why it’s so easy for men to do one-night-stands and why women are left confused and hurt after the fact, wondering how the man could just “leave” and be so cold. The good news: There IS a way for the man to integrate sex with feeling for a particular woman to obtain the type of sexual relationship mutually enjoyed. It’s when a man has to learn/figure out/work for the woman without sex—just as Sir Guy describes. In this way, his emotions will build over time which will eventually help him integrate sex with feelings. He will have learned that she is more valuable than sex. This takes him WAY MORE TIME than it does a woman to get to this point. We can merge the two thoughts almost instantly. See how different? And how holding off sex can be more beneficial to the man as well as the woman? So if a woman wants this mutual fulfilling sexual relationship as you describe—wouldn’t the best way to achieve it be to let the man develop his feelings for the woman so he can integrate the two.

Also, you mention “trust” in a relationship. Do you trust after one date? Two? Of course not, but many people are having sex with someone right off the bat where trust CANNOT exist. Women trust more easily than men, so we have to proceed with caution and take our time before we know the man is completely devoted. Another point where our brains differ.

I can tell you from personal experience. If things happen in the slowed manner, waiting for devotion before having sex, sex only improves—even after many years. My husband has said so on several occasions after 20 years! You’d think he’d be bored by now! I believe that he has become more integrated with his feelings associated with sex. In fact, I believe marriage is designed to be a lifetime as it can take decades of work and integration…to those who are patient enough to wait.

I like this video as it explains this phenomenon of the male brain in its response to sex/emotion. Although I personally believe the “woman’s contract” he mentions should be marriage. [Click on “woman’s contract”.]

 

7 Comments

Filed under courtship, Culture & Politics, How she wins, marriage

7 responses to “2472. Advice from My Husband’s Wife

  1. Sarina

    When a girl manages to capture a guy’s mind, then it’s the first step. Sleeping with him won’t guarantee him being smitten. Moreover, this attitude is way too common and there’s no shortage of easy girls available. It’s way more fascinating to be a pretty, friendly woman without any hint of sexual intentions towards the man.
    One of my female friends keeps asking why the guys she sleeps with won’t care 2 cents about protection and always leave her with the contraception burden. And I’m thinking they probably show such disrespect because they think she’s not worth the trouble.

    Your Highness Sarina,
    Your last sentence registers truth. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. The more they earn something, the more they respect it. If she’s easy, she’s not worth much respect or trouble.
    Guy

  2. Magnolia

    Awww… I thought that there had been a third article written for Miss Milena. What happened? I was in a rush and left for church without being able to read it.

    Your Highness Magnolia,

    The gremlins have invaded the blog. Both my printed and file versions are as they should be, so Milena III had to have been posted at one time Sunday. Don’t know how it could have disappeared but probably from some wayward finger flittering around on my keyboard.

    Thanks for the tip.

    Guy

  3. Em

    Hi Sir Guy and Ladies

    I would value your input. My husband and I have a wonderful and heartfelt relationship.

    I am always mindful of his ego and he is gentlemanly towards me.

    I have a trivial question that I hope you will not mind that I post and request advice about.

    Next week a cabinet installer is coming to our home to install cabinets and shelving in our living room. I believe I have a sensible eye for design and I would like basic white cabinetry that will be classic and not obtrusive or clash with our existing decor.

    My husband on the other hand would like something more “out there” and “makes a statement”

    How do I persuade husband to choose the basic white cabinetry? I am also thinking ahead to the time that we may want to sell the house or rent it. Basic white does not date and pleases most potential buyers. I am also a little concerned that he will regret choosing the more out there option as it does not reflect the “maturity” of the occupants (something desired when entertaining his bosses when he invites them over to dinner).

    Any “strategies” to somehow get husband to change is OWN mind about this?

    • Miss Gina

      Dear Lady Em,

      Perhaps you could wax rapturous about the (very expensive) changes you will make next to bring the rest of the house up to the standard set by the new over-the-top cabinetry? 😉

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness Em,

      I’m hurried this morning, but these may help you get started.

      As you note with the thought of his changing his OWN mind, use your natural ability by using thoughts like the following just as ideas. Don’t try to convince.

      • Bosses don’t like employees to outshine them. Modesty in underlings is more easily promotable.

      • His castle is your domain to create and run. Has he forgotten that he married you for your wisdom about what’s the best way to live together?

      • Are you smiling every time the subject comes up? Not complaining?

      • Accepting all blame yourself?

      • After three or so days, whatever one hangs in the house becomes unnoticeable anyway. Unusual things get old after just a short while. It may be slow, but people usually settle for THINGS that gather little attention, which means that the unusual stand out to strangers and intrigue them to say, NOT FOR ME. Perhaps only boss’ wife, but she will relay any poor taste to husband. White is almost never poor taste.

      Guy

    • That Horse Is Dead

      Lady Em,
      Perhaps a compromise is in order, something that makes a statement in white. When it’s time for reselling the home, it could appeal to two different types of buyers…those like yourself and those like your husband.

  4. Em

    Thank you Miss Gina and Sir Guy!

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