I describe how the sexes are born differently and leave it to readers to figure out what’s best for them. My Husband’s Wife has spun a good description of modern life after people have learned what they think are the lessons for living better. She asks to be corrected if she’s wrong, but I send nothing but applause and, “Thank you.”
Dear Lady Milena,
I completely agree with your very wise assessment of the current soulmate culture today and the notion that romantic/erotic love is the ultimate in seeking a partner/marriage. This relationship model is a recipe for failure and disappointment as the love is really quite selfish: how does he make me feel, what am I getting out of this relationship, etc. And then how many people end up cutting their soulmate off when they don’t live up to the false fantasy they’ve created? The functional model of man/woman working together to help each other in a unit for raising children is gone. Even children are mostly gone from marriage these days so what are you left with?
About your comment: “It just makes me sad to think that men wouldn’t be able to respect women who see sex not as something you give as a reward, but as something that is to be mutually enjoyed with someone you trust and like (even if this is outside of marriage).” There is another way of looking at this that helped me understand this phenomenon, hopefully I can explain it correctly—and Sir Guy, correct me if I’m wrong!
A man’s brain is compartmentalized…ever noticed how you can’t talk to a man when their watching a game? They just aren’t wired to multitask as such. One thing at a time! Whereas a woman’s brain is more integrated, we fuse our emotions with our actions. With a compartmentalized brain, a man can EASILY disassociate sex from feeling/bonding. However, being more integrated, the woman usually mixes sex + feelings. That’s the reason why it’s so easy for men to do one-night-stands and why women are left confused and hurt after the fact, wondering how the man could just “leave” and be so cold. The good news: There IS a way for the man to integrate sex with feeling for a particular woman to obtain the type of sexual relationship mutually enjoyed. It’s when a man has to learn/figure out/work for the woman without sex—just as Sir Guy describes. In this way, his emotions will build over time which will eventually help him integrate sex with feelings. He will have learned that she is more valuable than sex. This takes him WAY MORE TIME than it does a woman to get to this point. We can merge the two thoughts almost instantly. See how different? And how holding off sex can be more beneficial to the man as well as the woman? So if a woman wants this mutual fulfilling sexual relationship as you describe—wouldn’t the best way to achieve it be to let the man develop his feelings for the woman so he can integrate the two.
Also, you mention “trust” in a relationship. Do you trust after one date? Two? Of course not, but many people are having sex with someone right off the bat where trust CANNOT exist. Women trust more easily than men, so we have to proceed with caution and take our time before we know the man is completely devoted. Another point where our brains differ.
I can tell you from personal experience. If things happen in the slowed manner, waiting for devotion before having sex, sex only improves—even after many years. My husband has said so on several occasions after 20 years! You’d think he’d be bored by now! I believe that he has become more integrated with his feelings associated with sex. In fact, I believe marriage is designed to be a lifetime as it can take decades of work and integration…to those who are patient enough to wait.
I like this video as it explains this phenomenon of the male brain in its response to sex/emotion. Although I personally believe the “woman’s contract” he mentions should be marriage. [Click on “woman’s contract”.]