2474. Devotion in Response to Magnolia — II


Women put their faith in love. It’s their nature to do so and essential and satisfying to each one. It’s their primary mission in life. Denied opportunity to express it directly, they become saddened and lonely.

Men differ. Love is a light weight emotion. They don’t find it all that functional and useful in the grand scheme of manly life. He’s meant for something else—and he thinks bigger—than just loving someone.

Her love may not be essential to her man, but she’s much more than just likeable because of the enjoyable fringe benefits. It’s a vital, indirect part of a couple’s peace and harmony together, which a man needs more than her affection or sex. Without P&H, he feels guilty about something—aka indirect blame. Men don’t handle it well. Instinct advises: return it to the cause. (Readers don’t have to be told what that brings and how things usually turn out.)

One or more versions of devotion keep most men at home.

  1. Devoted to wife as kingpin in his life. It forms in a lengthy and chaste courtship. He primarily pursues conquest, until he discovers that she has admirable qualities that fascinate and promise much more than just sex for his present life. He learns from his actions to please her just for the sake of pleasing himself (aka devoted). When it becomes habitual, he wants her closer within his life; he feels better about himself in her presence.
  2. Devoted to God and moral virtue as the result of good upbringing. He habitually lives up to something or someone bigger than himself, which makes dumping wife and/or children anathema to his character. He admires himself for sticking up to his self-expectation. He finds disappointment when even accidentally he finds himself short of his expectation of living up to who he thinks he is.
  3. Devoted to his responsibility for others. Such as children, family development, and wifely need, which derives from the two above as a broader and more intense view of his significance to himself and importance in the lives of others. Intensity of devotion counts for much more dedication.
  4. Devoted to his job/career/lifetime project. Perhaps seen by wife as selfishness or single-mindedness, satisfaction found in one devotion has an amazing way of spreading to other endeavors. (Not all workaholics can be coaxed to take a more considerate line by better P&H at home, but many can.)

Wives have the natural ability to anticipate and figure out what to expect in the future. Opportunities abound. Example: Three testing periods give a glimpse of what’s to follow: The two-year glitch, seven-year itch, and twenty-year ditch and switch periods are described at post 2251.

She can read and estimate husband’s level of devotion to her, God, morality, and family. Red flags mean she should work differently and smarter to keep him rather than focus lopsidedly to perfectly keep house, tend to kids, watch soap operas, tip the bottle, paralyze herself with fear, blame him for whatever she despises, or complain about self-induced misery.

It’s old and I think Ben Franklin-ish: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. The best insurance against a woman’s greatest fear of abandonment is to hold his conquering urge at bay until he develops some measure of devotion to her. Or, she sees other devotions in his character, such as closeness to God and interest in responsibility and living a moral life. The latter is a good foundation for his developing devotion to her, but it takes time and chaste togetherness works best.

11 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, marriage, sex differences

11 responses to “2474. Devotion in Response to Magnolia — II

  1. Milena

    Thank you for the valuable advice.
    Taking your time is so important when getting to know someone. Men can promise you the world in those first few weeks or months, lavish you with attention and gifts and it can seem so wonderful, but you need to stand your ground and not be swayed by it. Make him prove all the things he promised you. His words and actions in the beginning really don’t mean that much. Men know how to be charming, but only the ones with character will consistently keep showing their interest, and usually also don’t go overboard in the beginning. Being ‘love bombed’ by a man when you’ve only just met is actually very suspicious. How can he be so serious about you when he doesn’t know yet who you are? It often is a prelude to hot/cold behaviour from his side, trying to be in control by first showering you with attention and affection and then taking it away, making you so eager to have it back again.
    This has been so prevalent in my life that it’s partly why I deleted my Facebook, to block easy and lazy communication from these men (no chance to get into my head!) and to retain more privacy and mystery. (Other reasons include more time to do things I’m really passionate about, but that’s another story)

    If you want a clever man with a good character, go for the man who takes his time getting to know you too, but at the same time is consistent in the interest he shows. 🙂

    These are some of the lessons that I’ve learned, anyway. 😉

    Your Highness Milena,

    Your wisdom grows. Deleting Facebook was smart action if you hope to have “more time to do things I’m really passionate about.” Well done.

    (Except for alterations in relationships, how does social media enable women to accomplish very much? If one’s conscious mind is preoccupied chatting, the subconscious is not free enough to work at its best. Over 99% of human behavior originates in the subconscious.)

    Guy

  2. Magnolia

    Thank you, Sir Guy. I really enjoyed the articles. And thank you for the reminder that a man needs to be very devoted to us, otherwise he’s more likely to cheat.

    Magnolia

  3. Magnolia

    Sir Guy,
    I have a question. One time you said to one of the ladies here that men want their wives to be dependent on them as if their lives depend on it. If a woman is very emotionally independent and has done been for many years, doesn’t have any relatives anywhere close, is used to handling all her personal matters without a problem, is good in finance, a good cook, has savings, has her own hobbies and a great group of friends. How does she switch to that role right after marriage? She has been very emotionally independent from her parents all her life, (unlike her sister) even though she really loves them. As she has gotten older, that independence has gotten more pronounced because she has needed to be independent. It’s partly natural to her persona and partly circumstantial (moving away is work related).

    Does a husband get insecure if you don’t show dependence on him as if your life depends on it?

    Your Highness Magnolia,

    “Does a husband get insecure if you don’t show dependence on him as if your life depends on it?”

    Forget the hyperbole about “your life….” You can sense insecure effects by analyzing his attitude.

    Attitude is the outward expression of his self-image. Who he is and what he expects to do about what he’s responsible for. How responsible for her does he feel and how much does that depend on her relying on his authority and direction? His attitude reflects that, if you pay enough attention—which women always do as part of both their nature and self-interest.

    The more independent she acts, the more it threatens his self-image, which may produce insecurity but it can also generate disappointment and even anger.

    Amazingly, however, it often works in reverse. The more he depends on her, the more insecure he may feel if she turns independent.

    It’s not her independence, it’s the impact it has on his heart. So, in courting it’s a negotiable subject. In marriage, either spouse’s newly declared independence is a threat.

    Guy

    • Magnolia

      Yes, thank you so much, Sir Guy. I think it takes a little adjustment, but I will be okay when the time comes. I don’t have a problem with submitting. Even Jesus submitted to the Father which is a great example, and if you have a wonderful husband, (who really has to prove himself during courtship) he will be looking for your well-being above all else. Even financially depending on husband is great and releases you to better serve him and the children. Both serve each other constantly and put the other above self.

      Once he has proven himself to be that selfless leader and you marry him, then you both are “all in”. You become interdependent and a real team. You watch out for each other. Sometimes I see some women wanting to hold on to their careers and some men doing a prenup and other things as a way to keep one foot out the door, which is a dangerous mentality. I think sometimes divorce becomes a fulfilled prophecy in these cases.

      On the other and –and this is what I was talking about– I have seen women not even be able to get money out of an ATM machine when their husband passes and completely fall apart. We have to prepare with life insurance and in other ways. I am a teacher. I can keep my teaching certificate current and go back in the event of illness or death. Life goes on and we must be strong. The woman of Proverbs 31 is my example (and isn’t she incredibly capable?). My mother is that woman. But I saw a lady one time give a testimony of becoming a widow after being married for many, many years and being a sudden thing, she said, –I am not kidding– that she “never, ever would have thought that she would lose her husband and that she couldn’t even bring herself to say that word” (widow). It’s scary to live in that kind of denial and be so unprepared to face life and what inevitable comes with it (aging, illness, death). What did she think, that they would live forever? It’s crazy. Forget that “Oh, I can’t live without you” garbage.

      As I said, that is the kind of dependence that scares me. Even if a couple becomes “one flesh”, they are still individuals. I hope that men can honor that and won’t expect us women to lose our identities completely when in marriage while they remain and independent agent.

      Anyway, thanks again Sir Guy, for sharing all these amazing truths with us. I’ve been a serious student of femininity, masculinity and relationships for 5 years and I am always learning new things and getting fresh insights here at WWMH. Many blessings!

      Magnolia

      • Meow Meow

        Hi Magnolia,
        as you may have read, my husband was laid off a month before I gave birth (It was the start of the recession.) i wanted to stay home with my child but my now unemployed husband sank into an awful depression which lasted for years to my horror. No one would hire him for anything except occasional security guard gigs. And I had to work 3 jobs or we’d have literally been homeless or living in MIL’s basement, which I wasn’t going to do. But when I took on full financial responsibility, it enabled him to lie around the house and collect unemployment even longer! Finally the recession abated and he started to find work just last year. Now I am tired, burnt out, and have missed precious time during my kids early years. I kept our family in the house, but it has taken an awful toll on our marriage.

        Hubby first resented me for being the breadwinner, than came to depend on it to the point that I feel his love for me is even now conditional on us being a 2-income family. I feel so emotionally broken by the whole experience. Our home, cars and yard are also in disrepair as I was unable to maintain his “castle” because of all the work I took on! I was a doormat for so many years trying to take on all the problems myself instead of admitting (to both of us) that I needed him to get off his butt and be the head of the household. I was too afraid of his temper. I wanted our child to have a dad, even a checked-out one. It took a crisis—me realizing there was nothing left to lose and being okay with leaving—to get him to take me seriously about needing him to work and take care of our family. And it was devastating to me to see that’s what it took and just how much I’d enabled him!

        I was glad my work skills kept us afloat during this awful time and that I had kept them up. I just wish we hadn’t gone into a full blown role reversal. I couldn’t believe this was happening, or that a man would even want to be in such a dependant position. I thought “how could he do this to me?” Now things are going better— he is working like crazy trying to make up for all those missed years–and I am still working but much less so. (Not enough for the whole family to depend on, only supplementary. He still wishes I would go back to full time work and doesn’t see that i am quietly trying to take more time to care better for my child, home and marriage….money isn’t everything) So I think it is wise to be able to do something that brings in some money—not enough to depend on for your mortgage/rent, but some pin money as the saying goes. I guess I would say you need to be able to take care of true emergencies, but beware of putting yourself in a caretaking role for a healthy man for years on end. We are still recovering from our experience!

        Sir Guy, I’d love for you to write an article for married women about how so many of us do enable/mother our men…how to recognize we may be doing it, and how not to do it. Or stop doing it!

        Your Highness Meow Meow,
        I’ll try to do as you ask in last para.
        Guy

        • Magnolia

          Hello Lady Meow Meow,

          Yes, I know that it’s been difficult for you and in the past I’ve been at a loss as to what to say to you about the matter. I say nothing because I feel that doing so might come off as a lame attempt to offer you support. I think that I might miss the mark and know that I’m unqualified to advice you. My heart goes out to you when I read your posts. Fortunately we have Sir Guy and Lady Insanitybites among other people here who have given you sound advice and encouragement. I’m very happy for you that things are looking up!

          About my post, I guess I was confused by your comment about not putting myself in the caretaking role because the example that I gave was the opposite– the husband being the breadwinner.

          I completely understand and agree with you, though, and appreciate your concern. Thank you Meow Meow. 🙂 ❤

          Magnolia

          • Meow Meow

            Haha its OK Magnolia I wasn’t looking for advice, I was actually trying to give it (to you) in the sense that I lived what Sir Guy is talking about—I became the completely independent (breadwinner) wife while my husband became completely insecure and dependent, and how it shook our marriage. IOW I am confirming what he writes.

            I am glad I kept up my skills as they carried us through a rough time, but when the crisis had passed, I needed to let him lead again, and we had both become used to me being the leader. Sorry if I’m not clear in how this relates to your original question. I’m not the best writer! I wasn’t trying to hijack your thread but confirm what Sir Guy is saying by using my situation as a bad example of tables turned too far…..maybe it is too exaggerated to be relevant to what you are asking, but I don’t think so. Prior to this I had been very dependent/interdependent. It made me feel safe, protected and feminine. My husband seemed to love that role and couldn’t handle being made insignificant when circumstances changed, although that was never my intention.

    • Femme

      Sir Guy,
      may I ask what it means then when a man says he likes his woman to be “independent”?
      Thank you.

      Your Highness Femme,
      It can mean several things. By itself, however, it can mean little or nothing. What was the context?
      Guy

  4. Femme

    He meant she should have have own life complete with friends, hobbies and most importantly, a job so she can be financially independent.
    I didn’t probe any further but I suspect he is afraid of losing his freedom.
    He also mentioned earlier that he thinks “open marriages” work rather well…

    Your Highness Femme,
    Like you said, afraid of losing his freedom. The more independent she is, the less responsibility he has for her, which gives him more latitude to do as he pleases. I suspect a very selfish person and not enough of his respect for the woman.
    Guy

    • Meow Meow

      Unfortunatly I for one can’t say I know of any open marriages that eventually didn’t blow up. They seemed to “work” about the same as….traditional marriages!

  5. Femme

    Aargh. Not a keeper, then.
    Thank you for confirming for me what I have suspected for a while now.

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