- Men capture and hold a good woman. Far too easily, however, they seek to upgrade when a better one comes along. This natural longing continues after marriage, unless he’s convinced he already has the best or nearly best available for him. (Do you see what a courtship job she has to convince him that there’s no one better than her for him?)
- A husband appreciates wifely confirmations of his astuteness and persistence about his job, especially if such feedback is lacking at work. It’s a form of respect, dependence, and gratefulness without which he starts to look for appreciation and encouragement elsewhere.
- Sex before marriage keeps her from uncovering his true self and his discovering her full array of wifely qualities. How? Before conquest he looks for her weaknesses to facilitate it, and it exposes his true character. In the same process, he uncovers her admirable qualities instead of weaknesses as long as she refuses to yield.
- As a couple moves far beyond conquest, foreplay and intimacy after sex both shorten. There’s probably nothing wrong with her. Once frequent and convenient sex are available, his nature suffers an impatience that refocuses quickly on what comes next—cigarette, beer, sleep, departure, job, another conquest? In short, there’s more to keeping a marriage intact than sex.
- She wishes to be thought attractive, but she won’t pay the price. She doesn’t dress and groom attractively 90 percent of the time, but she expects to be respected. She also expects men to remember how she looked previously, when she did ‘doll up’ to look her best. She remembers, why shouldn’t they? Nope! His eyes are triggered by attractiveness and not memory.
2482. Friendly Reminders — 01
Filed under boobs, courtship, feminine, marriage, sex differences
What Women Never Hear 
Hmm, I think this post speaks to the fact that men want to be wanted, desired, admired. So “wifely confirmations of his astuteness,” and spending time investing in our appearance, are all ways of displaying that he has worth and value to us.
Good call Insanitybytes22! ☺
File this under “things I wish I’d understood 20yrs ago” deep sigh….
So true, Sir Guy!!!
Hi Sir Guy
A very timely post, thank you!
My husband seems to have gone off sex altogether. We haven’t “done it” for 2.5 months now – I’m aware of the time frame because that’s when I realised I was pregnant :). He is still very affectionate, hugs and kisses etc, and from time to time will have a lengthy grope 🙂 but nothing further than that.
At first I think he decided to refrain from sex as I was bleeding intermittently (the Dr called it implantation bleeding which can happen to some women in early pregnancy, but could also be an early sign of miscarriage), but its been some time now since the bleeding has stopped and I haven’t had any advances from hubby. He may also be alert to me not feeling well sometimes, not knowing when I am feeling nauseous etc, although I try to hide feeling unwell as best as I can.
Also, I wonder if any decrease in desire may be due to some hair loss treatment medication he started taking a few months ago. He’s not taking a very strong dose (pretty low dose I think) but I’ve heard the medication suppresses libido.
Would appreciate any thoughts on this from you or the ladies.
Thank you!
Your Highness Maddy,
Congratulations on your new condition.
If it’s not his meds as to husband’s seeming disinterest, I tend to favor Meow Meow’s suggestion that he may fear hurting you or baby. I base it on his ‘retreat’ as soon as you realized you’re pregnant. Feel him out gently with non-accusatory and no-blame questions. Innocent as you can be about wanting some and okay to do it. If you can get the door open to his thoughts, recovery may be easy.
Guy
Hi Lady Maddy,
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!! 🙂
Of course what I’m about to say is my personal take on things. If you consider it ill-advised, feel free to overlook it.
I read a lot of “I think” and “I wonder” in your post. It may well be that the reason is a mix of concern for you and having a suppressed libido, but we can’t know for sure. If you feel too shy to broach the subject to him directly (what I personally would consider a fair approach, since it seems to me more respectful to ask what’s going on than to assume things), perhaps on an evening when you are feeling well you can dress up nicely for him in something that you know he finds alluring and, well, seduce him. Personally I think this can be done in a feminine, non-aggressive way. If he again stops after a while, you could say something like “It’s ok to take it further, if you want.” That’s what I would try, I think, but of course it might not be right for your situation. 🙂
Also, a question I have for you (but which you don’t need to answer publicly if you don’t want to), is: are you genuinly in the mood for it? Or are you worried what might happen if you don’t do it? In any case, I think you should not be too hard on yourself, especially if you are already suffering from morning sickness etc.
Wishing you a comfortable, pleasant pregnancy and a quick resolution to your troubles!
There indeed are hair growth medications that as a side effect unfortunately suppress libido and diminish testosterone.
Also, some men have deep seated concerns about “hurting the baby” during sex. Especially he might be worried about that if there was bleeding early on. If things seem safe, maybe now is the time to try new positions, places and lovely lingerie. I really recommend you both enjoy yourselves now and deepen the love connection, because right after baby is born it can be a very unromantic and sleepless time for awhile as you all adjust to your new living arrangements. Relax, enjoy, and play with each other—maybe even get away, if you can.
Thank you Sir Guy, Milena and Meow Meow!
Dear Sir Guy,
Regarding bullet #2 about appreciating a husband’s work: A few weeks ago, I had written about my husband’s “work crisis” and his restless behavior in general and I’ve been working on this regarding myself and how I respond. You also suggested some things to try (management) and I wish to report back to you that things have improved a quite a bit as a result as the sullen mood has lifted and he’s again determined to stick things out here for a few more years. During this time, I made a bunch of new recipes which are way healthier (more protein as he’s a vegetarian) and so he’s also noticing he feels better in general with more energy so I don’t think a woman can underestimate the power of good food 😉
However, my husband is once again involving single women from work into our free time to hike with us. I don’t mind so much if it’s a one time deal and if all are invited, but he’s cherry picking coworkers—leaving other ladies out, and for me, one of them is a “black widow” who does a good job of drawing men into her emotional web of dysfunction before she coldly discards them. Not a person I particular want to spend my time. I did it years back and grew wise to her. Hubby’s not there yet. A one-time deal would be ok or a company occasion, fine— but now he’s thinking about bringing her not only on a hike, but berry picking as well. A side note: He initially didn’t tell me that the “black widow” was coming. I found out after I gave the ok to go and then found out he already asked her. I’ve told him before, that I felt uncomfortable with him hanging with her as she doesn’t respect men/marriage years back.
I first wonder if it’s unreasonable to not want to hang around this woman and have her in our lives? If not, I’m trying to think of a lady like way to stop the madness before it spirals and having read your articles about “other women” I need to tread lightly and knowing he’s extra vulnerable with the whole job issue. I know what NOT to do: ague, yell, shame, etc. So I’m thinking about a different approach that I’d like your input if not beyond the scope of this blog. It would be something as such:
Option 1. Let him know that I’m personally not comfortable spending time with her as I don’t appreciate how she’s treated the men in her life and marriage, however, I will go this next week as I agreed.
Option 2. Say nothing and go.
Option 3. ????
I can’t say that my husband doesn’t provide me challenges to keep continually trying to make our marriage better and come out on top at the end! It’s a lot of work—ha ha! But I’m grateful for that chance.
Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
I would take option 1. Let him spend the weekend realizing that you’re uncomfortable but not complaining. It will be best not to say why you’re uncomfortable, just that you are. If you describe her past history, it invites him to prove you wrong. You don’t need that.
Guy
Dear Sir Guy,
I did go ahead and use the shortened phrasing when he brought up the subject. I see what difference it makes opting to omit the “why” phrase. No argument and we went about our business. I can also see now how certain choices of words would reduce the invitation to argue and definitely agree that he would just try to “defend” himself. I realize that from my early years in marriage of holding weak boundaries in effort to “please” and go along, saying nothing or overreacted, I’ve inadvertently sent the wrong message to hubby and it comes back to haunt me now and then as I haven’t held to my personal standards.
Men are never more handsome when they help a lady adopt a more feminine mindset and language!
This item in the list resonates with me the most. “She wishes to be thought attractive, but she won’t pay the price. She doesn’t dress and groom attractively 90 percent of the time, but she expects to be respected. She also expects men to remember how she looked previously, when she did ‘doll up’ to look her best. She remembers, why shouldn’t they? Nope! His eyes are triggered by attractiveness and not memory.”
I started a very carefully monitored weight loss program in April and have lost twenty-four pounds with another sixteen to go to reach . . . not the appearance I had twenty years ago but something close.
Some people have noticed and commented positively, but not the person I wish would notice.
I very clearly still look like a middle-aged woman, but I think I look better, and I definitely feel a lot better than I did just a few weeks ago.
Currently, I’d say I do very well in terms of dressing attractively and modestly for work, for special occasions, for church. And it has made a big difference in my self-confidence. But there are so many times when it seems like a waste of time. I feel great, I look great, but so what?
A while ago, I read somewhere that a woman, by modest behavior, attractive appearance, and keeping a guy at arm’s length as long as possible, generates the essential impression that she is a “creature like no other.”
But what happens when a woman gets her unique self together and presents her to the world, and it doesn’t make any difference? What is a woman supposed to do then?
Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,
You’re disappointed because you expect others to do something. Very normal but unproductive. You can’t get others motivated to do what you wish they would do.
You come first. Lose weight and look your best for no one but yourself. Others appreciate you when you please yourself instead of trying to make them think about what you wish they would think. Yes, they know the difference after just a short time. It’s a subliminal detection, but it’s there and it makes you appear selfish or dishonest.
Keep your self-interest and –image focused on liking yourself regardless of what others think. It’s tough, because ambition is a tough nut to unloosen and drop.
You’re on the right track but perhaps 40# is not enough. I admire the 24# loss but why should someone else be influenced by what you decide is a decent loss? You see my point? When you are totally happy with yourself without regard for what others think, something is more likely to happen. At what loss of poundage would you think yourself at your greatest? Can you lose it and like yourself all the better for it?
Guy
Congratulations, Lady Edith on your weight loss success! It’s not an easy task middle age. What’s the secret to your success?
My secret is that my mother died and left me some money. At the recommendation of a friend who went through a particular weight loss program overseen by a local chiropractor, I spent $1,700 dollars to sign up at the end of April.
I went through part one of the program, which consisted of 40 days on a low-carb, low-cal, low-fat diet (500-800 calories a day) plus herbal supplements. This was designed to get my body detoxed from junk food, re-educate my taste buds about the taste of real food, and sort of force my body into metabolizing stored fat.
After forty days and a loss of 24 pounds, I went into what is called the reset phase. I am supposed to be eating 1800 to 2100 calories a day, half of which is good fats. The idea is to introduce various things like nuts and potatoes and milk and whatnot back into my diet, with the idea that if my weight goes up more than a pound and a half on any day after re-introducing a particular food, I set that aside and come back to it in a week. If I get the same weight gain, I leave it out for the time being.
I’m basically bouncing back and forth within a three pound window. In a couple of weeks, I go back to the doctor. I hope then to learn more about how to continue to lose weight.
Dear Lady Edith,
Wow! Great that you have the opportunity to do this. Sounds like with this process, you will get really in tune with your body on what kind of food it can handle or not. There is so much information out there on what approach to take its confusing (at least for me) and this sounds like a pretty methodical plan that will end up being a healthy way of life.
I agree as to how our body “shifts” a bit as we age and is not the same as it was years back. I’ve also come to the conclusion that for me, the “well-toned” athletic female body that you see everywhere now doesn’t really happen for me. I found this out after spending hours per day, each day a while back hiking/biking each day when I had gotten laid off. I would have to quit my job, get a trainer, and develop and eating disorder to look like what the media constantly projects. Gone are the “normal” looking bodies of the actresses from the 40s/50s.
And really cool about the shift in career coming up. Sounds exciting and inspiring. I wish you all the best!
I have a number of reasons to lose weight for myself alone. I am planning to retire from my current job in October so that I can do some type of work that will (for the first time in years) use my skill set, interests, experiences.
There are minor roadblocks still in the way in terms of practical details, but I don’t want my weight to be something that stands in the way of my being active and useful.
Forty pounds is a realistic loss I think. I will never weigh 140 pounds as I did in high school. I’m never going to be that intensely active again. I’m also never going be in a position where, thanks to genetics, I was shooting up like a weed, so all my energy went into height, not circumference. (I topped out at 5′ 11″.)
I don’t know if I could weigh 160 pounds again, which I did 25 years ago at a time when I was poor, had a limited diet, and walked everywhere because some days it was too expensive to take the city bus.
A loss of forty pounds, bringing me to 180 would pretty noticeable.
Since things do change as we age, I don’t know at what point I would be able to look in a mirror and say, “This will do just fine for where I am in my life now.”
My assumption is that, if I am a good steward of the essential possession God has given me–my body–I will end up weighing a good weight and looking good as well.