2498. — Courtship Success


Every successful couple needs two foundations. If one never forms or forms weakly, staying power is lost. The foundations are respect and love, respect is the most important, and both depend upon actions more than words.

Their natures interact differently.

  • Men respect those who earn their respect. Until conquered they highly value female sexual assets more than the female as person. So, the more protective of her assets to delay conquest, the more of a man’s respect she earns. Without respecting her, a man’s proclaimed love is not true. (I believe it to be proportional, his greater respect brings forth his deeper love.)
  • Women reinforce their love with words. Her loving words program her heart with more sincerity and intensity. Thus, her words more than actions determine her beliefs and feelings, which guide her motivations. Men, believing action more easily than words, find her words largely unconvincing without actions as proof. So, the more a gal tries to talk her way into gaining a guy’s love, the poorer she does.
  • OTOH, her refusal to yield their first sex together discourages what he longs for, can frustrate, and induce his departure—if she does not know how to hold his attention and capture his affection with her likeability.
  • A woman’s most impressive action is to refuse their first sex together. Each refusal magnifies his challenge, earns her more respect, adds to her worth as potential mate, reinforces her self-love as person, and diminishes his view of her as just another sex object.
  • A man expects to be automatically respected, period. He is who he is, period. He does what he does, period. She expects to be loved for who she is, what she does, and how she expresses it. In fact, she becomes the loving person she sincerely expresses.
  • His actions program his heart with conviction that he’s right and thereby become habits of behavior. Thus, his actions determine his beliefs and feelings. When his actions make him feel good to please her, his devotion develops and grows as the result of living up to please someone more important than himself. (It works that way with mother-love and God too, does it not?)
  • The result is that he cannot love her without respecting her, and she has to earn his respect. He doesn’t have to earn her love; she gives it willingly but men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. And there is the rub, the glitch, the dog that won’t hunt.

If he does not earn her love, his heart is never programmed with the actions that form the habits of loving someone, especially someone more important than himself. So, courtship success depends on her making it mutual. She earns his respect by delaying conquest, while he earns her love by proving himself worthy of her. By insisting on both points, she becomes the person in charge, the buyer as it were, which pushes him into the seller role. By following her female nature more closely as the relationship expert, she becomes able to breed success in courtship.

When she does it properly according to her female nature, she finds that he does most of the work if she just quits talking too much trying to convince him that she is the one for him. Posts 1912 and 2180 describe how a man walks himself to the altar.

12 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

12 responses to “2498. — Courtship Success

  1. Miss Gina

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Love that last paragraph…Oh, that we ladies can just learn to shush that mouth with men! Girlfriends and female family members are better outlets for our words, but even with them, controlling the tongue is a virtue we need to cultivate astutely for a lifetime!

  2. Jello

    Great post Guy!

    I’ve been on two dates with a sweet guy I met online. Only thing he is quite touchy freely, like always holding my hand and trying to kiss me a lot. Is this a red flag, and is it best to try and slow things down? How do I best do that?

    Your Highness Jello,

    Touchy feely equals sweet and vice versa. Right? You want to keep that, but find out just what he is after—you or sex. So, make him earn every other advance. For instance:

    • He goes to kiss you goodnight at the door. Stop and tell him that you have to cancel next date (or something else of some importance) because you’re going out of town (something else). Then let him kiss and you depart quickly. Make the kiss routine by defeating passion.

    • He touches an erogenous zone or place that is too soon for you. Remove or slap his hand lightly with a smile as if to say, Naughty boy. He gets nothing else in the touchy feely line without earning it with actions that please you and program his heart that he wants you more than just sex (which is usually the purpose of affectionate displays without getting to know someone better).

    If he quibbles and blames you for anything, withdraw and give no reason. Let him read your body language and nothing else. Men believe what they figure out much more than what they are told, so neither explain nor complain. Just do something different that kind of deals him out of the picture or even your life. His response will signal what’s really in his heart. You will then know how to proceed.

    Guy

  3. Sarina

    Sir Guy, I really liked one of your statements, it was regarding men and doing ‘their stuff’ during dating, how we shouldn’t be bothered if they choose to engage in ‘naughty behaviour’ with other girls cause it’s better to have him fantasize about us rather than actually giving him what he’s after.
    I was struggling with this so much, being overly jealous of ‘easy’ girls how they get the guy instantly but not anymore. Him being active with a girl doesn’t equate his long-term interest in her, it could be only physical. I hope your statement is based in reality, how men are able to separate sex from love cause for me as a woman is shocking to see how even a decent man cannot resist sex offers when he’s single.

    Your Highness Sarina,

    This is up front, blunt, and candid. Men are born for three loves. Sex for the sake of sex. Work for the sake of personal satisfaction. One woman for the sake of enjoyment, comfort, and convenience.

    You have to let them have the first and second to capture and hold their interest in the third. Then you have to smile, charm, and remove complaints from their life in order for the third to outweigh the first two. It’s tough, but only good women can do it.

    Parenthetically, women are also born for three loves, but you know that. Their first love is someone bigger than they up to whom they try to live. It starts with parents and morphs later to God (or mate). Second love is their mate, the one with whom they will spend their lives. And finally comes mother love, the most unconditional of all.

    Don’t take this as an alibi for men but just as truth. The big difference is that men don’t begrudge two of your loves as women do of men.

    Guy

  4. “She earns his respect by delaying conquest, while he earns her love by proving himself worthy of her. . . . When she does it properly according to her female nature, she finds that he does most of the work if she just quits talking too much trying to convince him that she is the one for him.”

    This is a whole lot of WWNH condensed down into a very clear, succinct statement. Read out loud and often.

    I would say that trying to convince someone by words OR actions that you are The One is useless. That concept is built on the idea that Fate has chosen the perfect mate for each of us and that when we meet The One, magic will happen and everything will fall into place. That’s crazy.

    I do think currently that women need to get in a guy’s face just every once in a while, in an admiring, respectful way, to remind him, “I’m not the only intelligent, attractive woman you could be involved with, but I’m the only one right here and now, and I’m probably the only one who is going to hold you to standards that give you a real opportunity to be the best man you can be.”

    Your Highness Edith mcklveen,
    I particularly like your last paragraph.
    Guy

    • Thank you. This is based on recent experience.

      After a couple of Sundays at church with my feral cat man hanging around in my vicinity but not approaching, this week I e-mailed him some photographs of fairly extensive gardening projects I’ve done over the past month. I have been having so much fun transforming a yard that has gotten out of hand over the past few years.

      It was the feral cat man’s hard work in his own yard that gave me renewed motivation to deal with issues standing in the way of me having “pretty time” on a major, property-wide scale.

      I sent him pictures of new flowers and bushes and thanked him for being who he is, someone who motivates me to move forward and make my life, especially my home and yard, better.

      He made some very nice comments on how things looked and said, “It occurred to me today that we haven’t connected in a while; I looked for you, but you were gone.”

      I laughed a long time over that, thinking, “You know what to do about that.”

      • Hmm. The feral cat man showed up at my back door this afternoon.

        One of my girlfriends at church told me this morning she would let me use a window air conditioner she had in her guest room. She just had to find a guy to carry it. I assumed she would get hold of her son who has cheerfully done various jobs for me.

        When I answered a knock at the door, she was smiling on the doorstep, and behind her, hefting a window air conditioner all by himself was the feral cat man. They came in, the air conditioner got installed in my bedroom window, I said thanks, and they left. Wow.

  5. Shermy

    GREAT reminders!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Jello

    Thank you so much Guy! Please can you clarify the first point about kissing at the door? You mean I should diffuse a sexual situation by bringing up something serious/important?

    Your Highness Jello,
    Yes, neutralize his intent. It lets him know that he may be moving too fast, although it may take a couple more times of that or something else. When he has some touchy feely thoughts, you have something else in mind and express it with timeliness that disturbs his thoughts.
    Guy

  7. Southernbelle

    “Men, believing action more easily than words, find her words largely unconvincing without actions as proof.”

    Sir Guy in regards to this statement I am a bit confused.

    For example: He believes her to be modest and moral not because she says so but because he directly observes her dress, interactions and decisions.

    He believes her to be good friend, sister, daughter, etc. because he observes her in these relationships.

    But in courtship shouldn’t His actions be more than hers in demonstrating his devotion for her? It seems if she were to show as many or more or grander gestures or bigger/ more sacrifices than him, than she is “doing” more than he is inclined to and seems to flip the tables to her being the “winner” rather than the prize. But if a man believes actions more than words it implies she must do things in order for him to believe her.

    Your Highness Southern Belle,

    Good thinking. However, two phenomena interfere with your expectation. First, typical of the female nature, you expect equality of results that you identify as demonstrating devotion. It confuses to measure that way.

    Devotion in a man motivates him to please or not disappoint her in order to satisfy himself that he is doing right. IOW, it’s his duty and no one else tells a man how to do his duty. She deserves to be shown his special talent. He knows what she will enjoy, because he would like it if he were her. He’s proud of knowing her so well, and the results quite often are that she is not particularly pleased but has to fake it. Example: His taste in a gift does not match what she’s willing to use or wear. Nevertheless, it’s a sign of his devotion and pride but quite unequal to the results that are normally produced by a woman through love.

    Second, you’re not considering a man’s curiosity and imagination, which easily cause the example just described. Things that please a woman do not come automatically to men the way that a woman’s love can accurately isolate what pleases another person. Men can figuratively sweat tears figuring out how to please a woman beyond the few little things about her that he has already figured out, used, and knows that the same gift, for example, is not acceptable. Better a new ironing board cover than something she doesn’t want or is identical to her last birthday gift.

    In the end, compatibility fractures when equality is expected. Although equality is natural to women, fairness is a far better criterion interacting with men. It releases a man to not try doing something the same way that women do it. Out of his natural differences, a woman can find all she needs to love a man, especially if she appreciates how his curiosity and imagination guide him both into and out of trouble.

    Guy

    • Southernbelle

      Sir Guy I so much appreciate your continued devotion to teach us and admire your gentlemanly wisdom. What a tremendous blessing you are!

      I’ve been searching for some guidance on communicating with men (outside of work) more effectively. I prefer directness from others so in my head directness is the response I want to say but find myself “working” to rethink of how to communicate more effectively/ less directly (not instigate competitiveness) especially now that this blog has shed some light on this. Could you shine some more light on communicating with men we care about; not coworkers or boss.

      Your Highness Southernbelle,

      Forget communicating and communication. It happens best offline, indirect, and men figuring you out and not what you try to convey to them that you are or wish to be. Use silence as your companion.

      Focus yourself on yourself and don’t worry about your impact on men. Build up your sense of modesty above that of men and gals. Develop more feminine mystique that the gals around you. Dress better than the gals around you.

      Verbalize defense of marriage and monogamy and only when someone else brings up the subject. Don’t let guys fish you into talking about sex; be too modest if you have no other reason. Don’t argue with men, swallow your comments and let them figure out what they will; that’s what they will believe anyway.

      Identify your qualities that make you a good woman. Exploit them to encourage men to admire those qualities, because the more virtues one man sees in you, the more virtuous you appear, and men want to marry a virtuous woman—especially if no one else can earn or claim her.

      Feminine mystery sells better than sex, if you’re after something other than sex.

      Guy

  8. I would be interested to know what Sir Guy thinks what exactly women have verbal gifts for.

    Generally, women ARE more verbal than men. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that women are, by nature and by nurture, compelled to verbalize certain things to validate their existence that men are not.

    Men can be as chatty as women, but not about the same things. I recently had a conversation with a particular man in which he expressed in detail his concerns with the current political environment in the U.S. Get him going on politics, and you almost literally can’t shut him up.

    In terms of communication that shows how a man feels emotionally about a woman . . . hmmm. Men CAN communicate deeply and verbally about emotion and things that evoke emotion. I just did a Google search and found a number of references to husbands writing “emotional” letters to their wives to thank them for taking care of their families.

    And men in pursuit of women–for sex in or out of marriage–can express things emotionally, even poetically. But they generally don’t unless they are compelled to.

    But women, by and large, are very verbal about emotional things. And often more so (I think) in their interactions with men than with other women. Human history shows that women talking to men a lot about emotional things doesn’t work out, and yet women keep doing it. WHY?

    Why are women compelled to do something that doesn’t work? Why do they have an ability or a tendency that isn’t very useful?

    Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,

    The answer is sex difference. Women are in the relationship business and verbalizing is the specialty that promotes and brings success. Men are in the accomplishment business, and talk is used only when necessary.

    As to this, “Why are women compelled to do something that doesn’t work?” Why do they keep doing it?

    The roots are in Feminism and the political drive to make enemies of men and women. This process developed like the following from legal, social, and domestic pressures over several decades:

    • Feminists set out to end patriarchy, with the implicit promise that matriarchy is better and perhaps achievable.

    • Feminists, their acolytes, and ultimately most women found that blaming men for female problems provided political, social, and domestic advantages to men.

    • Men resented, resisted, and retaliated which exacerbated the blame. Furthermore, no one listened to men as to their problems or how they could help solve female problems. The blame just continued, and women listened only to women about what to do.

    • The process dumbed down women for getting along with men. Promiscuous sex became popular and men were rewarded by making women more successful dealing in sex and feeling up their lives. Whatever men can do she can do better, it went.

    • Trying to overcome and relying on the false but popular conception that communications is the problem, women began revealing themselves in what came to be called ‘full disclosure’, often on first date.

    • Men laughed at their stupidity; it made conquest that much easier. Full disclosure reveals a gal’s weaknesses and facilitates conquest.

    “Why do they have an ability or a tendency that isn’t very useful?” They have been dumbed down by other women to make politics and sex more common and acceptable.

    The tendency does not exist in the female heart as women are born; the exact opposite resides there until ignored so that the propagandized female mind can be free to do what’s politically correct.

    Guy

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