2500. Large Family Effectiveness


Her Highness MLaRowe inspired this article at 2499 with this remark: “Also since one’s financial assets will be used it takes a lot of unselfishness. That is the resistance part for so many.”

Selfish is not part of the female heart and weakens the majesty of females and especially mothers. In fact, it is foreign and gets there two ways: in childhood with poor upbringing, by seeking to fit in with the crowd as teen and adult, or both.

When a couple’s prime target is to mother and father a large family, like all else finances are not an insurmountable problem. Problems arise with lack or loss of dedication to build a body of kids—made better by their numbers—and up to whom two parents can pledge their lives together.

Kids, being self-developers, provide most of the motive power for family development. Parents can slide back into guidance roles while kids are relatively free to develop as one big gaggle of energy. They learn and teach at the same time just what it is that mom and dad expect of them. Parents can just enjoy the show and expect it will all come out well in the end.

Modern women have been taught the opposite of this. Large families enable mom to work less hard; she gets to do more of what she loves to do and less of what she has to do. One exception: If mom expects perfection in anything except close love for all, respect for husband, and gratitude for father, then her labors increase and she likes it less and less.

Siblings have greater influence on personality development of each other than do parents. Extra siblings are a goldmine for attractive personality development. Quality inculcated in one child spreads to the others, so parents have only to get the ball rolling of high quality in the first child or two and the others duplicate it. Not only is more the merrier appropriate, but so is more the easier and boisterous. And it takes a special man to live with the boisterous.

Advice: Ladies, whether you intend to have a large family or not, screen each Mr. Good Enough a few times this way. Casually visualize a huge family, how it would interact, what it would produce, how it could be handled, and what a marvelous success it would be for the kids growing up and later with adult closeness. Describe in detail all you visualize so that your date copies the images. You will learn from his reactions how he feels about children and having his own. How he appreciates your imagination, studies your intent, guesses at your mystery of even thinking of such things, and in general prepares his thinking to parallel yours. It’s a good screening technique.

If the thought of a large family truly terrifies him but he’s willing to listen to more, dig into him deeper. He shows promise, because he only needs encouragement to take on such a task, but you haven’t obligated yourself.

If your thoughts provoke his ire, offensiveness, or anything approaching anger, dump him. He won’t be a good father and probably not a good husband.

 

12 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, marriage

12 responses to “2500. Large Family Effectiveness

  1. My Husband's Wife

    When I read this post, I can’t help but think of how it seems that in today’s culture, animals (mainly dogs + cats) are now substituted for children in many cases and are even preferred. I also find it interesting in that the crazy cat ladies are usually single, older women. If a woman’s instinct to mother/spread mother love isn’t realized, I think it can become displaced or neurotic.

    • Miss Gina

      So true, Lady MHW, and how many women who had few or no children do we see mothering their husbands? (I think Sir Guy mentioned this on a blog post somewhere…)

  2. DJ

    That not quite true , older children in large should not become substitute parents, and in larger families its very common because mom and dad have so much to take care of the older children end up filling in. The more children the more responsibility parents have, its not easier, at the same time large families have some excellent benifits.

    • Meow Meow

      A lot of times older kids like having the “authority” (as long as its not the total responsibility) to look after younger ones. Of course within reason, they still need to be able to go after their own hopes and dreams! But sometimes older kids feel proud about being asked to watch over (and/or boss around) their younger relatives. It does build up traits that are good to have in life like thinking ahead, responsibility, dealing with unplanned situations.
      But I agree being completely responsible (parent is dead, depressed/mentally ill, sick, neglectful) and gives the older kid too much to do is wrong. i have seen both sides of the situation:(

  3. Maddy

    I totally agree with this. My husband comes from a very large family and they are all very close and supportive of each other and have taught their own children to value family strongly. Their children are each other’s closest friends and this also gives his brothers and sisters (their parents) easy comfort that their kids are developing with similar values (and also a great way to keep an eye on all the kids from a distance!) Playtimes when they were younger and sleepovers as they got older were not fraught with the anxieties that parents often have about their children staying over night at their school friend’s houses, whose parents they do not know well and are too polite to ask candidly things such as – will their be boys also staying over etc. It has also taught my husband the rewards of sharing and compromise which is returned ten fold by the support he can rely on from his family if ever he needs it. It also makes for very fun gatherings that are not always the usual formal family dinner seated at a table – because not everyone can fit seated at a standard table! So sometimes it’s a more formal affair and sometimes it’s more like a party (I myself am also relieved that this can be the case because it means it’s not so shocking if I arrive late from work or can’t make it sometimes – the family also meets A LOT! 😄)

    I think there is something very empowering about being part of a strong and supportive family. I think it makes you feel confident and capable of doing great things because the fear of failure is countered by knowing that your family always has your back. Not in the way that friends might (although I know there are devoted friends like this). Family is different.

  4. prettybeans

    Yes Lady Maddy, Knowing that family has your back..this is precious and many times when I’ve observed dangerous conduct in even my own relationships, it has stemmed from a lack of confidence in that primary relationship with family..

    Indeed as my dad says, if it works with family then it works out there as well

  5. Amy

    Sir Guy,
    I have met a few women and heard stories about their girlfriends…how many are in love, happily married for 5yrs another couple for 7yrs, but have decided not to have kids. Some of the husband hint that they want children, but the wives are either ignoring it or not getting the hint. From my perspective I can’t understand this…how can a women not want to have children to a man/husband they love. The way I think is I may have the best career and the best paying job, but I would never feel complete without having a family of my own someday…it will be a blessing.

  6. Sir Guy,
    for as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to take care of people and was blessed with the brains to learn medicine. At 25 years old I am now halfway through medical school with a 3-month-old daughter. I am taking a year off from school but would eventually have to go back upwards of 60 hours per week to finish my training. Right now I can’t imagine leaving my baby and I feel terrible how much of the housework would fall on my husband (who is wonderful and supports whatever decision I make). I’m also afraid of how little energy I might have left for my husband at the end of the day and how that might affect our marriage. I feel that if I leave medical school I wont regret it when my children are young. However, when they are grown I worry that I will be bored and have no outlet for my caring urge. I don’t want to end up a helicopter mom to my grown children or mothering my husband as if he’s a child. I also worry what everyone would say about the valedictorian Ivy League grad dropping out of med school to be a SAHM (well I would still need to work part-time to pay my loans but I wouldn’t care about my career anymore). Do you have any advice for a gal like me? It hasn’t failed me thus far 😀

    P.s. Do you have any suggestions as to how to inspire my husband to want more than 2 children? He’s not set against it but he is currently of the mindset our children must have the absolute best of everything and that’s harder to provide the more we have. I say it’s way better to spoil children with memories than it is with material things.
    Pps. It’s good to be back; your articles bring much light to my life 🙂

    Your Highness Soupdujour13,

    Let me analyze your P.S. WITH UPPER CASE COMMENTS.

    P.s. Do you have any suggestions as to how to inspire my husband to want more than 2 children? THE SAME WAY YOU CONVINCED HIM IN COLLEGE THAT HE WAS THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU ONLY…. IF HE REMAINS AS DEVOTED, THEN YOU SHOULD GET YOUR WAY PRETTY EASILY.

    He’s not set against it but he is currently of the mindset our children must have the absolute best of everything and that’s harder to provide the more we have. CONVINCE HIM THAT THE ABSOLUTE BEST OF EVERYTHING IS TWO DEPENDABLE, LOVEABLE, DEDICATED PARENTS. THE KIDS ARE SELF-DEVELOPERS IF YOU LET THEM DO IT WITH JUST YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT AND HIS LEADERSHIP THAT ENABLES KIDS TO LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES. THE MONEY YOU NEED WILL COME SIMPLY BECAUSE OF PARENTAL DEDICATION.

    MORE IMPORTANTLY FOR YOU, THE HAPPINESS OF YOUR NURTURING AND NESTLING WITH A BIGGER NEST OF YOUNG ONES WILL SEND YOU INTO NIRVANA ON EARTH—OR NEARLY SO AFTER THE FIRST COUPLE, YOU WITNESS YOUR SUCCESS, AND THEY START HELPING EACH OTHER IN SELF-DEVELOPMENT, WHICH CAUSES THEM TO DEVELOP FAMILY LOYALTY AND TOGETHERNESS.

    I say it’s way better to spoil children with memories than it is with material things. THOSE ARE THE WORDS OF A WOMAN WHO HAS LEARNED MORE THAN ANY VALEDICTORIAN. COMPETING IN COLLEGE IS GREAT, BUT IT DOESN’T DO FOR THE FEMALE HEART WHAT IT DOES FOR THE MALE’S. IF YOU’RE EVEN THINKING ABOUT DROPPING FROM MED SCHOOL, THE LURE OF GREATER MOTHERING AND WIFEING HOLDS GREATER PROMISE FOR YOU AND A BRIGHTER FUTURE, WHICH IS A WOMAN’S PRIMAL NEED. YOU ARE ALREADY PREPARED IN EDUCATION AND WISDOM TO HANDLE WHATEVER THE FUTURE BRINGS. IF YOU WISH, YOU CAN GO FOR THE LOVE OF LOVE ITSELF, MULTIPLE OPPORTUNITIES TO NURTURE, AND AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF GRANDCHILDREN TO NURTURE LATE IN LIFE. MATRIARCHS DON’T GET THERE BY BEING TIMID, AND THEY USUALLY HAVE DEVOTED HUSBANDS.

    YOU CAN FOLLOW YOUR HEART, SINCE YOU HAVE A HUBBY THAT ALREADY BELIEVES IN IT TOO.

    GUY

    P.S. HOW MANY HOURS A DAY WOULD YOU WORK AFTER YOUR M.D. IF YOU GOT IT?
    G.

    • By the way I’m “anonymous”, a faithful reader of almost 7 years. I married the boyfriend whom I told to get his act together or else we weren’t dating haha. Not sure how I logged in my old account “soupdujour”.

      Your Highness Soupdujour13,
      Welcome back, darling, I remember you so well. One of my favorite favorites. Always clear, knew what you wanted, and learned how to get it.
      Guy

    • anonymous

      Men are never more handsome than when they help sort out a lady’s dilemmas.

      “P.S. HOW MANY HOURS A DAY WOULD YOU WORK AFTER YOUR M.D. IF YOU GOT IT?”

      Once I would be a resident physician (the 4 years immediately following finishing med school) I would probably have to work 60-80 hours/week. Sometimes 24 hour shifts, sometimes 8 hour shifts, and everything in between. They don’t allow residents to work part-time, but they do cap the week at 80 hours since too many residents were making mistakes from lack of sleep. After that, when I would be an attending physician, I would go part-time and only work 2-3 days per week.

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