2504. He Learns to Love Her

For the sake of discussion, let’s say women are exposed to three kinds of men.

  • The player apparently has no interest in her; he acts as though she’s just a figurine nearby. She makes herself attractive, but he refuses to acknowledge it in any way. He may even act bored in her company, which smacks her ego so hard that she feels she must have him as her own. Trapped by her enthusiasm, it leads to his exit strategy—conquest and dumped.
  • The infatuated man finds her so strikingly attractive that he forgets to be cool. He is too eager, pleasing, and respectful for her to find him respectable. Her exit strategy, drop him politely if possible.
  • The gentleman moves slowly. He protects his own ego by avoiding rejection by not being quick to invite himself into her life. Even slow to flirt, he awaits a few of her signals that he is free to be more open. He first earns her respect, which enables her to earn his respect by matching his demeanor. Somewhere in his life he learned that mutual respect is the most important requirement for a successful relationship.

The question for a woman becomes how to convert the gentleman into husband for life. The answer is simple but highly complex to do: Get him to love you devotedly. It happens in a process that I shall describe but that in no way represents real life as you will live it. It’s how a man’s nature requires certain satisfactions that lead him to fall into a woman’s lap as husband. Yes, free him up with encouragements that enable him to do all the work and then stay out of his way.

First, he needs to respect females generally and respect you as a unique woman. What if his opinion of women is ungood. It’s a red flag. Example: Players lack respect for the female gender. You have to work harder to earn greater respect or drop him as unqualified for you.

Second, he needs a lot of time associating successfully with you. He has to figure out that you each to the other are likeable personalities, loyal as couple, and faithful sexually. Do or can you add comfort and enjoyment to his present life? He expects it without doubt, if you couple up.

Third, you stay out of his way like this.

  • Don’t try to nurture or mother him or in any way try to get him to love you. Expect him to initiate relationship activities.
  • Keep your mouth shut about love and any connections you may feel. The quieter you are about the relationship, the more he has to figure out. Men believe much better what they figure out than what they are told. He has to believe that he loves you before he actually does, and so he has to figure it out for himself.
  • Make him earn whatever you give him. From hugs to kisses to favors to affection to love. Be patient, go slow, and insist that he do the same. Don’t try to impress him, except that your admiration of his accomplishments impress you. If at all possible, make him the first to say, “I love you.” When you say it first, he thinks he has it made and quits trying so hard to win you. He figures conquest is just around the next corner.

While you are doing those things, his mind is busy. The male nature is programmed to accomplish what satisfies a man. What I describe as steps merge together into one constantly developing process that emerges out of his determined effort to get you into bed. Figuring out your place in his life happens in no certain order although I describe it that way.

  • He’s looking for your weaknesses that will facilitate getting you in bed. Your job is to keep him looking, finding them, but making sure they fail to work for him.
  • He instead finds that you have qualities that he never suspected or was not previously interested. Each quality that he admires becomes virtue to him, and men seek to marry a virtuous woman. It means that the longer he searches for weaknesses, the more virtues he uncovers. It means, even more importantly, that his respect for you grows because you have the self-respect to protect your chastity against his charm, entreaties, and perhaps love as he may proclaim it.
  • You exercise due caution and refuse to be sexually exploited. Almost accidentally his curiosity arouses, his imagination soars according to how emotionally attractive you are to him. Somewhere along the line he realizes that he wants you more than he wants sex with you. IOW, the latter can wait while he focuses on not losing you.
  • His verbal commitment, followed by courtship, enables more virtues to accumulate and compound. He starts pleasing himself by pleasing you more and more, which is the development of devotion. Devotion grows and morphs into fascination. At some point, in a surprising realization, he concludes he can’t live without you. The surprise upgrades his mind from your fascinating likeability into a new app. He perceives you as full of promise as a potential mate.
  • Spurred by his imagination, his judgment shifts you from potential mate to possible wife. Thinking himself unable to do without you, his focus changes. He looks for your promise as his life-partner, which casts the lure of your help to routinely uplift his present life and fulfill his ambitions. That realization qualifies you as highly desired wife. After imagining the full consequences of that, he envisions a trip to the altar. You hold so much promise that he can no longer ignore it.
  • He proposes, is accepted, turns the arrangements over to you and your mother and friends. Game, set, match. He only has to get himself to the altar on time, if she’s smart enough to leave him out of the preparations to protect her mystique.

Thus, just by being yourself and not trying to accelerate the process or convince him to commit or marry, by showing extensive patience, you pave with undisclosed female dreams the pathway to the altar. You dodge his search for weakness, demo your abundant qualities that he can admire, and await the proposal in his good time.

As I hope you have seen, the nature of men produces a premarital process and commitment agenda very different from both the womanly process and whatever women envision for men. Women are fond of makeovers in appearance because men appreciate the results. If more women had makeovers in virtuous behavior—aka feminine, moral, religious, and anti-feminist qualities—I predict that men would appreciate it. Many more would step up to the monogamous plate

You win by setting ablaze his curiosity, imagination, and subconscious mind. A fire that you can’t start directly and effectively, only subtly and indirectly. That’s why manipulation and pushing a man to the altar makes a marriage short-lived. You have to let him determine his commitment, devotion, and time to propose. To figure important things out himself is to believe he is doing the right thing when he yields his independence to you. When that conviction remains for life, so does the marriage.


Filed under courtship, feminine, How she wins, marriage

16 responses to “2504. He Learns to Love Her

  1. Meow Meow

    Beautiful, Sir Guy!

  2. Miss Gina

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Just curious…is there any reason the infatuated man couldn’t follow this same path, if the single lady found him interesting?

    Your Highness Miss Gina,
    Not really, but her nature is such that his exuberance keeps her from earning his respect. IOW, she doesn’t earn it; he just gives it, which makes her suspicious on one hand or sees herself as worthy of more than he appears to be on the other. She expects her man to be more masculine instead of female-like friendly. It’s still their nature I work with and not necessarily the way they act in real life.

  3. My Husband's Wife

    This point is very true: “The infatuated man finds her so strikingly attractive that he forgets to be cool. He is too eager, pleasing, and respectful for her to find him respectable. Her exit strategy, drop him politely if possible.”

    Years back when dating, I found these over-the-top pleasers to be a big turn-off. They were nice guys—but something felt off about such interactions, I felt cornered by them, like they didn’t let me have any space. But now, years later, the reason for that feeling: I didn’t find them respectable despite their incessantly trying for dates.

    Any of you ladies experience this sort of thing? Funny, us ladies want to be asked out for dates, but not in a way that makes us feel like a puppy dog is following us around nipping at our heels.

    • Southernbelle

      So true! I dated a man like this but eventually called it quits for exactly what Sir Guy describes. Funny though I do miss him from time to time although I still don’t believe I could marry him. Sigh

  4. Ari

    This is great, please write more about this. I find everything you write here to be very beneficial in my dating life. I am eager to get back out there ready to be more feminine and appealing to the right man. Sir Guy, already I have implemented just a bit of your recommendations and wisdom on men and experienced a change in a certain man I am interacting with. Unfortunately, I am very interested in this one and that is what makes it easy to make mistakes. However he is quite territorial and so I have decided to date others and shake things up. He will either step up or run for the hills…I hope he is invested enough not to run….we shall see.
    Thank you so much for your dedication to this blog and us ladies that desire to be more lady like and equipped to handle the minefield of dating and relationships.

  5. Mia

    “The gentleman moves slowly. He protects his own ego by avoiding rejection by not being quick to invite himself into her life”. – Sir Guy, the colleague of mine, who I told you about, returned recently. Upon arrival he hugged everyone but me, but came to my office later to say hi and chat for a bit. I wonder why. Things have been slightly ackward. We did keep in touch and he said he wanted us to meet up after work, but didn’t specify a date, which I considered flakey. I kind of lost it then and said I felt that things were weird between us. (I’m not convinced that he really likes me) I didn’t specify anything, but I think he felt somewhat hurt and pulled back. He still wants to meet up, but I think I damaged something. I have no clue what is going on in his mind and was wondering how to proceed…Can you help?

    Your Highness Mia,

    It’s looks like time for a face off. Pull him aside and tell him this eye ball to eye ball.

    “You confuse me. One minute you act as if you like me. The next you act as if you’re pushing me off a cliff. You can’t have both. Which is it? Like or push? I can take either but not both.”

    Try it. Nothing else has worked.


    • Mia

      Dear Sir Guy, did as you said, but confronted him via text message. He replied that we work together but that he likes me as a friend. I have to say, I don’t buy it, but if that’s the answer, it’s the answer.
      @Kay: thank you for your input.

  6. Kay

    This was a particularly good one. I just forwarded it to my daughter..

  7. Perhaps it’s just me but I think there is a whole ‘nother category of men who may be any of these three–player, gentleman or infatuated, but who are likely to act the same regardless of motive. They don’t wait to be invited to pursue or to express interest in a woman and are not likely to internalize rejection, so long as they are not disrespected. They tend to be quick and direct in communicating what they want (which could be anything from a phone number to a date, a relationship, or a “liaison”). Their demeanor strikes one as self-assured and even persistent if necessary to obtaining what they want, but not eager. They are much more likely to willingly respect a woman’s firm objection rather than to wait for a clear Yes. But ambivalence on the woman’s part is likely to be taken as permission to keep trying.

    I have such a clear picture of this type of man because I have dealt with them constantly. Good guy, not so good guy, head over heels for you, seeing you and everyone else…it’s still the same dynamic. What kind of man they are ends up being revealed less in how they act and more in what they seek from a woman.

    This has so been my typical experience that even the Gentleman described has tended to slip under my radar. Men who behave this way aren’t so direct, thus they don’t get my attention and then I don’t send the signals, or I’m just waiting for them to say what it is they want, which I take from this post, they are not inclined to do. Am I missing something?

    Your Highness Denise,

    No, I don’t think you are missing anything about gentlemen. You add new thoughts.
    You have experience that men are different to you than I described for discussion.

    Your personal attractiveness must be so significant that you bring out the animal in hunters; they just can’t wait to get next to you. Gentlemen are hunters too. I just classify them as more polite, more respectful, patient for fear of offending and losing a woman’s interest. Then again, perhaps I should expand the description I use.

    Your experience seems not to contradict the definition I use. Is it the patient, slow to action that makes you pause? Do those men in your experience fill your definition of gentlemen?

    As you describe them, they can be used as another named grouping. Have a name? I have no objection to adding a new stereotype as separate class for our discussions.

    By the way, how does their proactive behavior work? They get what they want from you? Or are they usually rebuffed? If the latter, then lack of success would tend to make them a dying class, unless other women have lower standards than you.


    • Guy,

      This post and response gave me much to think about. I suppose it gave me pause because I have tended to interpret the slowness or indirectness of the gentleman as you describe him as a lack of interest, lack of decisiveness, or lack of confidence, favoring instead the bolder ones whose interest always seems clear and needs no prompting to action. In re-reading your post on the Alpha matrix, I think the men I describe are just typically more toward the dominant Alpha side than average. I’m not sure how that matrix integrates itself with these categories. Perhaps the alpha could be gentleman or player, but never infatuated? Or if infatuated, still never desperate or clingy. I think the infatuation of the Alpha is more about being laser-focused on getting what he wants rather than seeking to please.

      Do they get what they want from me…well, it just depends on what it is and whether I like them or not. But upon reflection, I am wondering whether I should rather ask if I am getting what I want from them, if that type of boldness is perhaps not as desirable as the gentleman type for something beyond just dating. I’ve met someone who, coupled with this post, making me suspect that I’ve given the gentleman type short shrift.

  8. Kay

    Mia, I interpreted your above interaction with your colleague differently than you did although I admit I have not followed your story from the beginning. He may not have hugged you because he didn’t want to make a public display of affection towards someone that he has genuine romantic feelings for OR he felt that by not hugging you like he did with the rest of your co-workers but instead came to your office to chat, he was showing you that you were special. He MAY have felt that his signals were perfectly clear. I understand your confusion hence Sir Guy’s advice to get clarity is perfect.

  9. gonemaverick

    Another gem worth bookmarking.

  10. gonemaverick

    …free him up with encouragements that enable him to do all the work… Sir Guy, what does this look like in practical terms? Especially the “encouragement” part?

    Your Highness Gonemaverick,

    Be patient, indirectly allow and indirectly encourage him to please you numerous times and ways and admire him for not disappointing you. Those are the connections that produce his devotion. Never ever ignore or dislike a gift or act as if you don’t appreciate what he does on your behalf. Don’t overdo it either. Big smiles and other indirect techniques work best.

    It happens this way. His actions program his heart by investing himself such that you become more and more important to him. Men don’t invest themselves in something worthless, and the more they do invest themselves and their interests, the more the value of their investment grows.

    As he pleases you more and more, his investment takes on a higher value that includes you. Eventually, he learns that it pleases him just to please or not disappoint, displease, or dissatisfy you. It makes him devoted to you, when he enjoys it more than pleasing you.


  11. This is such an amazing post. I have to re-read it over again. thank you for sharing!

    Your Highness Ambatopia,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on the cruise to What Women Never Hear.

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