The one with the nerve has the right to win. In a relationship, the one who regrets losing the other the most is the one unable to get their way. But the odds of losing the other can be significantly reduced by smart women.
Situation. Shacked up or in a sexually active relationship for what has become far too long for the woman to accept it. She needs recovery from multiple things that bother her: dignity, moral responsibility, confident she’s with the right man, unwilling to continue as is, suspicion of his worth as permanent mate, tired of the worry, loss of belief in herself, future dimmed by lack of relationship progress, dislike of her reputation of doing what goes against her conscience, losing her youth while doubtfully linked up, wants children and he doesn’t, and—wherever does it all end?
Probably not until she is married either to him or another. The beginning of the end arrives when he is no longer blamed for anything; without hedging, he is her man for life—but she may not be his woman for life.
Time to act. She can’t motivate anyone else, only herself. How does she recover in such a way that the decision of separation becomes hers instead of his? Getting her way will take a lot of the sting out of separation, if it happens. Also, if she gets her way, many questions can be answered directly that will pacify her. She cannot go wrong, if she is out to recover herself. The fact that she feels compelled to recover means that he has had all the advantages. It is now time and up to her to switch the advantages to her. The following two options are likely unless anger stirs the pot.
If she fears losing him, she can’t do it. If she can face the loss of this man, she can. When she initiates recovery, she initiates competition, and men will not compete with their woman. So, he faces two choices. Compete, if she starts it competitively by blaming or accusing, and his objective will be to prove her wrong in every one of her points. Or, he can listen, face her idealized descriptions of what she finds tough for her to live with, and either sympathize and want to please her or empathize but find it inadequate to fit his life. She is thus able to sponsor his making a choice without his getting emotionally involved to the point that he has to win.
The more demanding she registers her discontent, the more likely he shifts toward empathy and departure. The more graciously, charmingly, and grateful for his presence that she feels while registering her objections to her current life, then the more inclined he feels toward sympathy, because he faces an unhappy woman who has not taken her ire and disappointment out on him. IOW, it’s her and not his fault that she is unhappy. See what a difference her approach can take? So now for her approach, how best to do it?
Parenthetically, I have written my way right back to the wedding ring gig described in the first in this series. How does she subtly register her disappointments and keep them locked up as her shortcomings rather than his? Try this on for size….
Write him a short letter—don’t explain and don’t complain—and send it registered mail. Inside, specify the following:
- Do not ever mention this letter. Don’t ever bring it up and I ask that you not mention it to anyone else either. It is past, gone, caput, forgotten, and nothing requires forgiveness. Regardless of what happens, it is not worthy of conversation. Our respective daily actions prove our worth to each other, so discussion or explanation is useless. While not content in our arrangement, I depend greatly and am very grateful for you in my life.
- My discontent is with myself. I am not what I want to be, neither as good woman, good wife, nor good mother. I can do much better.
- I expect nothing from you except to forget this letter just as soon as you read it. Don’t try to read between the lines, there is nothing there. Only us, you plus me with all obstructions turned to mush, objections ground down to nothing long ago, but still full of wishes for my own future to brighten ever more.
Guy concludes: I’m disappointed in that this article is a twist on how and why the wedding ring plan works. It says in words what is symbolized silently by the ring in the last article, 2530. But it’s all I have to offer today.