2531. Push the Envelope — 02


The one with the nerve has the right to win. In a relationship, the one who regrets losing the other the most is the one unable to get their way. But the odds of losing the other can be significantly reduced by smart women.

Situation. Shacked up or in a sexually active relationship for what has become far too long for the woman to accept it. She needs recovery from multiple things that bother her: dignity, moral responsibility, confident she’s with the right man, unwilling to continue as is, suspicion of his worth as permanent mate, tired of the worry, loss of belief in herself, future dimmed by lack of relationship progress, dislike of her reputation of doing what goes against her conscience, losing her youth while doubtfully linked up, wants children and he doesn’t, and—wherever does it all end?

Probably not until she is married either to him or another. The beginning of the end arrives when he is no longer blamed for anything; without hedging, he is her man for life—but she may not be his woman for life.

Time to act. She can’t motivate anyone else, only herself. How does she recover in such a way that the decision of separation becomes hers instead of his? Getting her way will take a lot of the sting out of separation, if it happens. Also, if she gets her way, many questions can be answered directly that will pacify her. She cannot go wrong, if she is out to recover herself. The fact that she feels compelled to recover means that he has had all the advantages. It is now time and up to her to switch the advantages to her. The following two options are likely unless anger stirs the pot.

If she fears losing him, she can’t do it. If she can face the loss of this man, she can. When she initiates recovery, she initiates competition, and men will not compete with their woman. So, he faces two choices. Compete, if she starts it competitively by blaming or accusing, and his objective will be to prove her wrong in every one of her points. Or, he can listen, face her idealized descriptions of what she finds tough for her to live with, and either sympathize and want to please her or empathize but find it inadequate to fit his life. She is thus able to sponsor his making a choice without his getting emotionally involved to the point that he has to win.

The more demanding she registers her discontent, the more likely he shifts toward empathy and departure. The more graciously, charmingly, and grateful for his presence that she feels while registering her objections to her current life, then the more inclined he feels toward sympathy, because he faces an unhappy woman who has not taken her ire and disappointment out on him. IOW, it’s her and not his fault that she is unhappy. See what a difference her approach can take? So now for her approach, how best to do it?

Parenthetically, I have written my way right back to the wedding ring gig described in the first in this series. How does she subtly register her disappointments and keep them locked up as her shortcomings rather than his? Try this on for size….

Write him a short letter—don’t explain and don’t complain—and send it registered mail. Inside, specify the following:

  • Do not ever mention this letter. Don’t ever bring it up and I ask that you not mention it to anyone else either. It is past, gone, caput, forgotten, and nothing requires forgiveness. Regardless of what happens, it is not worthy of conversation. Our respective daily actions prove our worth to each other, so discussion or explanation is useless. While not content in our arrangement, I depend greatly and am very grateful for you in my life.
  • My discontent is with myself. I am not what I want to be, neither as good woman, good wife, nor good mother. I can do much better.
  • I expect nothing from you except to forget this letter just as soon as you read it. Don’t try to read between the lines, there is nothing there. Only us, you plus me with all obstructions turned to mush, objections ground down to nothing long ago, but still full of wishes for my own future to brighten ever more.

Guy concludes: I’m disappointed in that this article is a twist on how and why the wedding ring plan works. It says in words what is symbolized silently by the ring in the last article, 2530. But it’s all I have to offer today.

4 Comments

Filed under courtship, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, The mind

4 responses to “2531. Push the Envelope — 02

  1. gonemaverick

    “The one with the nerve has the right to win.” I love this.

  2. Sarina

    What I’ve noticed with Sir Guy is that he advises a pleasant attitude that women should have when they communicate with her man. I saw this in many articles and I was never made aware of it before. Nagging complaining and fault finding must be serious offenses to men, much bigger than we thought. Women usually know that nagging isn’t a positive but they never see it as a true harmful habit that can harm her relationship.

  3. Kay

    So true Sarina! Perfectly put!
    My husband and I were dating for about 2 1/2 years . Many of our friends were either engaged or married. I was very in love with my husband and badly wanted to be engaged too. We definitely had conversations about it ( never arguments) but he held his ground that he wasn’t ready. In private I felt sad and frustrated.
    One day during one of our conversations on the topic he said,,” I’m 99 Percent sure we will get engaged NEXT year. “. Something clicked inside me when he said that. I didn’t get angry or upset in front of him or even at home alone. I just knew that that statement was the last straw for me. That week at work my girlfriends and I decided to book a trip to the Bahamas. My husband and I were rarely apart so it was a big deal for me to use vacation time to go away with my friends. I didn’t book the trip defiantly or as any part of a ” strategy”. I had just turned a corner in my mind . My husband was very surprised that I was going away with friends but didn’t say too much about it. The trip came and went and I had had a wonderful time with my friends. A month later my friends and I booked a SECOND vacation together. On that trip I was wearing an engagement ring!
    In between the two trips my husband realized that he didn’t want to lose me so he called my father and asked for my hand in marriage. We have been happily married for 30 years.
    Nagging absolutely does not work and only makes you feel worse about yourself. Live your life and look good doing it. That is my best advice.

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