2548. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 02: Men Are Born Different

Second step is ten descriptions of both the female and the male nature. Men are born:

  1. Without the ability to build or manage a relationship as can a woman. They are much like a loose cannon rolling around on deck of the relationship ship, but they frequently have to save face. Consequently, they shift much more easily from cooperation to competition than the reverse, but to their own disadvantage, as explained below.
  2. With a major shortcoming of which they are unaware but that helps breed compatibility. Men will compete with a woman for conquest but for nothing else or afterward. If they initiate or are pushed to compete, they change strategy and tactics to allow escape and ensure they do not lose. Their dominant nature fears losing to what the male nature perceives as an inferior person, but is a superior person that belief in dominance cannot recognize as such. Designed and even disguised by smoothness and patience, women operate cooperatively and avoid competitive encounters.
  3. Without realizing that the superior gender applies pressure to cooperate and naturally discourage competition within a relationship. However, one exception. More important is that women have to earn a man’s respect for his love to develop. Competition over conquest does it best, because for such a magnificent prize, a high price should be the goal of the owner and the male nature does not fear losing while attempting to win something so valuable.
  4. To love sex for the sake of sex, to love work for the sake of satisfaction, and to love a woman or women for the sake of convenience, comfort, and pleasure. Yep, loving more than one is possible. It makes a man’s quality of character vital in assessing the accuracy of his promises of commitment, loyalty, and longevity of marriage.
  5. With two love drives, one for the displaying of affection and sex, called devotion here, and the other for fulfillment of duty and responsibility, called bonded love here. The latter is the more consequential and lasting for successful marriage.
  6. With two sex drives, one for unconquered women and the other for those a man has conquered. His sex drive for unconquered women is independent of and is prioritized ahead of love, affection, and devotion. It fuels his persistence and enables him to conquer and dump a woman. His drive for conquered women is ‘normal’. It floats on dominance mixed with physiological, psychological, and convenient needs—aka, he only needs a place, she needs a reason.
  7. With the notion that conquest proves he is good enough for her and need not go further to win her for himself. He expects her complete cooperation, because yielding first sex proved that he is good enough for her. He effectively ‘owns’ her and is, therefore, eligible to reinstate his dominant nature previously made passive enough to conquer.
  8. To change dramatically after conquest, which forces her to change to compensate. He previously decided she was a keeper, good for booty, or fit for dumping, so he was probably also disingenuous or dishonest. Conqueror’s rights free him to rule their sexual agenda, exhibit ownership of their relationship, reinstate his dominant nature previously made passive to enable conquest, and also pursue another target for conquest— even if she is a keeper.
  9. With considerable self-respect that women lack at birth. It means that she must earn self-respect in life. Self-respect is how she grows to appreciate herself as a competent person, not just a woman or employee. More feminine competence breeds more self-respect, because her feminine side lifts her out of competition with males. Her self-respect improves as her interpersonal skills develop, her avoidance of competition with men develops and prevails (except for conquest), and relationship harmonizing improves.
  10. Lacking self-love that women possess in a huge amount. It means men must earn self-love in life. Self-love is how he likes himself as an appreciated person, man, and potential lover, which means the more others appreciate him and his relations with women, the greater his self-love. His earning more respect in those roles of life also earns more appreciation of others and grows his self-love.

The Bible says to spread love, but no one says to spread respect. New axiom: Men need more respect for self-love to grow. Women need more love for self-respect to grow. (To raise better children, the benefits should start spreading in toddlerhood where youthfulness acts as fertilizer. More love to girls and more respect to boys will likely turn out more mature adults.)


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, The mind

8 responses to “2548. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 02: Men Are Born Different

  1. Southernbelle

    Sir Guy,

    I am still foggy on what self-love versus self-respect looks like. In my mind they are the same. May you provide some examples that will help distinguish the these.

    Your Highness Southern Belle,

    Self-respect is her understanding of her competence, which enables her to do things well and better, which reinforces her self-respect, which earns more respect of others and especially men, which makes her more admired, which makes her more virtuous, which makes her more marry-able. Thus, improving her competence makes her a better candidate for capturing a man as opposed to spreading love as the magic potion for her frustrations.

    Self-love means she has all that she needs to spread love in the form of gratitude, which amplifies her importance to others, which confirms her self-importance, which satisfies her prime motivator if life, which generates happiness for her. IOW, happiness is inborn in women, if they find gratitude in all around them to jumpstart the cause and effect process just described. Self-love is the heart behind the hand that rocks the cradle that rules the world. All that she can be in the world is already empowered in self-love but can only be used to the extent that she is grateful for herself first and foremost. If she ever hopes to be more effective in her world, let her start finding more ways for which she is grateful for herself.


    • SouthernBelle

      Much appreciated Sir Guy. This Southern Belle’s mind is still being transformed. [Courtsy]

  2. “Men need more respect for self-love to grow. Women need more love for self-respect to grow. (To raise better children, the benefits should start spreading in toddlerhood where youthfulness acts as fertilizer. More love to girls and more respect to boys will likely turn out more mature adults.)”

    This is another powerful statement. I say, “Amen to that,” and I think it is when men AND women are truly willing to look outside their relational silos and give each other what they need, even if they may not totally understand why, that male-female relationships, in general and in specific will stop being about who can push whom over the cliff of entitlement and disappointment the fastest.

    I have to wonder where the concept of trust fits in all this.

    I’m still interacting with the man who acts like a feral cat in so many ways.

    Earlier in the summer he volunteered to help me lug home a heavy lilac from a garden center (and took me out to lunch to boot); a few weeks later, he volunteered after work to help another friend haul an air conditioner I was borrowing to my house.

    As always, I have made sure to thank him for his assistance and to emphasize admiration and respect for specific things he does and the way he does them.

    I have to say that, having made a determined effort to live my life according to the purpose I believe God has for me, I am finding a lot of exciting things to do; I decided recently to retire from my current job so I can volunteer teaching English as a Second Language and otherwise work with immigrant groups in my community. With the free time I will have, who knows what I will be able to do and where I will be able to go? Life ahead has a lot to offer, and I am trying as hard as I know how to make good use of my time and energy. Because the reality is that, according to family statistics, I have only about twenty-five years left on planet Earth, and feeling sad at having no potential for intimacy seems more and more like a huge waste of my life.

    Still, there he is.

    I’ve tried dating websites with no results. A friend offered back in the spring to introduce me to someone who, according to description, seemed insecure and timid. God has not seen fit to allow a relatively emotionally healthy man to cross my path, take a look at me, and want to get to know me.

    When the dust of a busy life settles, which is not often, he is still there. And, even with his particular issues, he is still the most admirable man I know. Nobody else can hold a candle to him. Nobody.

    I have thought a lot in the past month about the lack of trust in the opposite sex we both feel. I was molested by my best friend’s father as a child, was bullied by boys in high school, was the confidante but never the girlfriend of guys in college who told me all about the women they were in love with, was harshly rejected (and rightly so) by a man who I tried to cling to so hard that he could only shake me loose by saying, “You need help.”

    The feral cat man grew up in a large family in a home where his parents’ relationship was apparently very passionate to start with but got colder and colder as the years wore on; his father powerfully modeled leaving and staying away to avoid conflict, using traveling in search of brick-mason work as an excuse. As the baby of the family, his mother alternately indulged him and criticized him; he was close to his sister who was a few years older.

    He got married fairly young to a woman who was apparently a major prize, and in between bearing him two children and having him adopt hers from a previous relationship, she criticized him for everything, he tried his damnedest to live up to her expectations, and she divorced him (causing him, as he said once, many moments where he would “lie in bed crying with the snot running out of my nose”).

    After the dust from that experience settled a little, a nice lady from his workplace introduced him to a woman he took out, and she responded by sending him flowers. They dated, they mated, and she started worrying him because she had a strange habit of getting jobs, going gung-ho about how good they were, then suddenly quitting, saying that everyone in her job hated her. When he wasn’t taking care of his kids, he spent a lot of time encouraging her, suggesting possible new jobs, driving her for interviews. She eventually decided he hated her, too, and she divorced him. Apparently, during their one attempt to reconcile, they went out to dinner, and she put some kind of date rape drug in his drink just for spite.

    The divorce was far from amicable. She took him to the cleaners, as they say, in the most punitive way possible.

    So, here you have two people who, I believe, still have a dream. Both are idealistic, both are intelligent, compassionate, creative, believers in the ideals of service and sacrifice as ways to make the world a better place. Both want a great love, a partner in crime, someone to help shoulder the load . . . and both people are deeply lacking in trust.

    At this point in my life, I would much rather hear a man say to me, “I trust you” than “I love you.” And I would much rather have a man in my life who is consistent and trustworthy than a man who could twist my few remaining hormones into knots.

    How, after life as a feminist-badgered relationship failure can a woman such as myself get to a place where trust exists? And how can a man who has had a lifetime of criticism and humiliation from women find that place?

    I fully acknowledge that, if we both woke up tomorrow able to trust the opposite sex, that would not necessarily change anything between the two of us. But trust seems more basic to me than love and/or self-respect.

    Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,
    Solution of your problem is simple with time. Trust and respect are reciprocals. We trust those who respect us, and respect those who trust us. You show him respect and he learns to trust you. He shows you respect and you learn to trust him. Keep practicing it for awhile. You may have to arrange encounters to show respect and start the process. Fake arrangements and incidents if you have to for awhile and let the trust build.

    • I could ask for more help with transporting stuff; he likes to haul heavy things for ladies. I guess I can pray that God would give me some legitimate reasons to ask him to activate his super-powers. 🙂

      • Ari

        Lady Edith,
        That sounds wonderful and may I suggest you look absolutely beautiful and irresistible when you ask him and when he shows up to help you.
        best wishes

        • I asked him yesterday via e-mail if the Dark Knight (as in Batman–he has a car I call the Batmobile) would be willing to activate him super-powers and help me move a heavy chest of drawers from point A to point B next week (I have to re-arrange some things first; I could figure out how to do it myself, but it would take three times as long.)

          I said that it’s amazing to be a member of a church where there are so many super-heroes, but I decided to go with the one who has never failed on any mission I have proposed.

          He responded and said he has an appointment after work at seven but will stop by beforehand to get the job done.

          I’m planning to be well-dressed and to offer him donuts or muffins as a thank-you.

          • The feral cat man showed up and, in less than five minutes, moved a chest of drawers up a short flight of steps that I would have had to wrestle, step by step for an hour or more.

            He then cast an eye on my dining room floor where I have been working for quite a number of months to remove the dried paint I discovered after pulling up ratty carpeting. I heard him say, “We can sand the floor . . .” Hmm. Oh, really . . .

            He then told the story of trying to clean a linoleum kitchen floor with various products, all to no avail. He went to work one day and came back to discover his second wife had bought something at Home Depot and had cleaned the floor bright and shiny in a snap.

            When I asked him if anybody had every said thanks, he laughed a sort of hollow laugh.

            I gave him a thank you gift I prepared–a Starbucks energy drink and some M&Ms. He said, “That wasn’t necessary.” I said, “Even small things deserve a thank you.”

            And we bid each other a pleasant farewell.

            It was twenty minutes of just very nice interactions, and it was so positive and relaxed, and I am certainly very grateful for how it turned out.

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