2549. Fellatio—No, Go, or Know?

At 2546, Her Highness Christine motivated me to respond to this, “I’m struggling to understand why no fellatio during courtship, whether there is fellatio in marriage and if not, why.”

The following are default motivators that reside in men and women as the result of how they are born. It doesn’t mean they have to act this way, and of course they don’t. But it’s their inborn nature, and it produces the most compatible and permanent arrangements within a couple, which according to the inborn female nature is the most highly desired result.

  • Men are driven to compete with other men, whatever gets in their way, and to shape human events. A woman’s refusal for first time sex together gets in his way, and the hunter-conqueror determines to shape events to his liking. Men are also born with self-respect and do not give it away until it is earned by either men or women.
  • A man’s love of a woman is based on the respect she earns from him; it’s an essential foundation. Without it, his love will not develop or at least not deeply enough to satisfy her. They drift apart or worse.
  • The respect she earns by delaying conquest and making him await her decision to yield is the highest she can earn, it is different from other respect she may earn for beauty, intelligence, athletic prowess, etc. Moreover, it is an unconditional type of respect—even resembling mother love in loyalty, and it programs his heart for life. He learns to respect the better conqueror.
  • He may later lose his love of her, but her courage and determination remains in his heart; she delayed his great conquering threat long enough for her to get what she wanted. Respect she earns is proportional to delay.
  • He spends his courtship time and effort trying to uncover her weaknesses so he can bed her. But what he uncovers instead are her qualities that he can admire, each of which becomes a virtue to him. Seeking to marry a virtuous woman, as do all men, her virtues accumulate. Many virtues eventually morph into a fascinating woman, he sees her promise as mate for his present life, and the hook is set in his mouth that a proposal is best for him.
  • The great respect she earns overcoming his best efforts overwhelm his primal urge to conquer. Just by refusing to yield, she becomes his relatively innocent and immaculate prize. He can presume that she must not have yielded to all those other guys, if she could refuse all his charm, effort, and determination.
  • He figures it out, which makes it easier to believe; he has some guarantee that she is reasonably close to unblemished. Not that virginity is sacrosanct, but not following a whole bunch is guys is critical to him. When he ‘owns’ something by virtue of winning, he doesn’t want to meet previous ‘owners’.
  • Of course it sounds sexist, but it is his nature. These flood him: pride of possession, self-admiration for winning, self-satisfaction of ‘owning’ the best, and sense of significance of who he now is and what he can do with her alongside. Not sexist but self-interest; that which motivates everyone.

That is the basis for a couple’s success. The more respect she earns, the stronger the foundation of his love and all the other connections that produce a compatible and permanent life together.


A relationship usually starts his way. Starting as competitors with the man acting dominant, a woman is expected to bow to masculine wishes. When women bow easily, they earn no respect. So, cheap and easy sex generates no respect and men do not bond with sex. Double miss for her. The relationship is temporary. What is fellatio but easy sex? Ask and you shall receive. So, it adds neither respect nor permanence in an uncommitted relationship.

In a committed relationship, much the same thing happens. Fellatio is cheap and easy, but it reverses the process of earning a man’s respect. If he says do it, she says no, he insists, and she does it. Easy pushover and just what men don’t respect. Or, she chooses to initiate, he accepts, and then remembers how men disrespectfully treat each other, something from childhood and beyond.

I’m told that pleasure motivates one for sex, which elevates fellatio in the options available. Not being the prime motivator, however, makes it suspect as to the naturalness of it. If pleasure be the guide, then fellatio can be called natural. But I cite four motivational forces that are more natural than pleasure:

  • Her physiological urge to nurture triggers the urge to procreate.
  • Her psychological need to assuage the needs of others stimulates her to copulate.
  • Her natural need for self-importance ignites ambitions to outdo and outshine other women to capture and mate with the best quality man, whom she seeks to ensure high quality offspring. Necessarily, because of the male nature, it usually involves sexual relations.
  • Her nature craves intimacy, especially when her spirits are down. The promise of pre- and post-coital touching and body closeness fuels her desire for sex.

Does that make fellatio unnatural? Close to it? Respectable? Worthy of respect?

What is the primal and primary form of men showing dominance of a woman? Demo of strength? Physical control? Overbearing attitude? None of those? It is and always has been poking his penis in her. Are all orifices the same in terms of either earning or losing his respect for her allowing it? Do men consider themselves well respected to have their orifices penetrated? Or does the earning and losing of respect desert the male mind when in bed?

Better yet, what is the primal and primary form of men showing dominance of a woman that he respects? Men claim that fellatio has no effect on their respect for a woman. Can such a claim be trusted? Man on man makes a difference.

“Suck my cock” is a common expletive and way that boys and men use to tell another that I have no respect for you, so take off, butt out, or whatever to close the encounter. Disrespectful actions beget disrespect. Wife/girlfriend repeatedly does a disrespectful thing, and his respect dwindles or worse. Whether girlfriend or wife,  fellatio neither earns nor upholds a boyfriend’s or husband’s respect. Doesn’t mean they can’t survive as a couple, but his love cannot fail to diminish as his respect wanes. His devotion may save their relationship but that’s another story being told in the current series, Ten Steps to Win a Man’s Heart.

Finally, I regret having sampled some porn video. But I quickly lost respect for porn dolls with semen slobbers on face and dribbles on chin. Just how does a female gain advantage by fellatio except for money?

FURTHER COMMENT. A man’s respect and fellatio may not be mutually exclusive. But for a woman to think fellatio promotes her advantage to keep a man is mutually exclusive. Were I a woman currently engaging in fellatio with my man, I would try to disengage by using the tactics described in the Virtual Virginity series listed in the CONTENT page at blog top. The VV process requires that a man respect a woman’s decision to withdraw from specific sexual activity. Unfortunately, not all men have the heart to show that much respect to their woman—so I would be very careful before presuming myself victorious.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Fickle female, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, The mind

13 responses to “2549. Fellatio—No, Go, or Know?

  1. Sarina

    What’s insane is how society claims such a deviant act as normal and ‘required’ in a relationship. Girls that do it feel so puffed up and mock other that refuse to engage in it. Nobody touches on these subjects, not even those from churches where girls should be educated on matters since at school, sexual activity is promoted. Honestly, I feel like nobody cares about girls to let them know these things, they’re left to do ‘whatever’ and sometimes I’ve seen mothers shame their daughters for being too reserved. Obviously, things are messed up and it will turn even worse.

    Now, I wanna criticize a current insane aspect of modern feminism: no slut-shame! What is this supposed to mean? So if being a slut isn’t shameful, then nothing can be shameful. It puzzles me, this pushing for women to be shameless and debauched sexually. Basically, if one is repulsed by depravity, they shouldn’t even speak against it! that’s what it means. Anyway, I’m looking forward to more steps.

    Your Highness Sarina,
    Nicely, clearly, and delicately phrased. For a woman, you come on like a conqueror. Well done! (in the Navy’s highest accolade).

    • SapphireYagami

      well in the bible, song of solomons i believe oral sex is described within but only as a part of sex that is done when married.

      Your Highness SapphireYagami,
      Does it discriminate the kind? Both may stimulate pleasure, but one can be psychologically harmful to a relationship.

      • Miss Gina

        Dear Lady SappireYagami,

        That is a very interesting interpretation. I’d like to have the verse, as I have never gotten that from the text to this point.

        • 1jarofclay

          Hello Miss Gina,

          Yes, some scholars believe that it’s possible that Songs of Solomon describes the groom giving oral sex to his bride. Alas, the particular verse is a metaphor, so we can’t be sure.

          Please allow me to get back to you on this. I’ll look for it, but it’s been a long time since I read about this and I don’t know if I’ll be able to spot the verse when I see it (again, it’s a beautiful metaphor.)

          I’m sure Lady Sapphire Yagami will have more to say on the subject.


          • 1jarofclay

            Okay Miss Gina,

            I think it was Song of Songs 5:1 a. It says: “I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.”

            As I said, some scholars believe that there is a *possibility* that that’s the groom giving oral sex to his bride. We’ll never know for sure.

            Hope that helps. 🙂


            • Miss Gina

              Thank you, Miss Magnolia. I suppose I could see why someone might suggest that for a possible meaning, but as you point out, the metaphor is too vague to say one way or the other for sure.

              I like what you tell below about what you and your husband did. I think you will reap lifetime benefits from that.

              • Magnolia

                Thank you Miss Gina. I have a lot of respect for you, the other ladies here at WWNH, and of course, Sir Guy. I decided to pay attention to your advice from the other article. It’s better to prevent than to regret.

                Many blessings! ❤


            • anon...

              THAT IS IT… it could be done TO THE BRIDE.. not the GROOM.. there is a DIFFERENCE—(if that is what the verse means)

              • Meow Meow

                In Judaism, oral sex as well as many other forms of intercourse are encouraged as long as they increase the bond between husband and wife. Ideally, the husband is to put satisfying her sexual needs before his.
                That is why I have always agreed that part of the song sounds like a poetic metaphor for oral sex (upon the bride.) He praises her in every way.

                Sex in Judaism is (supposed to be) strictly for marriage, and is surrounded by rules about when to have it when to abstain etc. but the act itself is pretty open.

    • Femme

      Hi Sarina
      thank you for bringing this up.
      I’ve been interested in the subject of relationships and dating ever since my marriage broke up (which is how I got to know this site, thank God) but some of the “advice” out there is just apalling.
      From time to time for example I get emails from this “relationship expert” (a guy) who is trying to convince women that many guys leave good wonen because of… unsatisfying or nonexistent blow jobs. His words not mine.

      Your Highness Femme,
      Such guys were never “with” those women, because the women were never good women; they were just handy and the guys are just players.

  2. 1jarofclay

    Thank you for bringing this topic again, Sir Guy. A few months ago, before I got married, I mentioned on another post that I never thought it was a big deal as long as the couple is in a long-term, committed relationship or married. (I didn’t have in mind the man “finishing” as you describe you saw on a video, though). In any case, upon further consideration I decided before getting married never to go that route. I really trust your judgement on these matters. As one of the other ladies said, you’re hardly ever wrong.

    Also, my husband and I never went beyond a kiss before we got married. It’s something we’d agreed on because we’re Christians and more personally to me, because of this blog. I’m very proud of it and I know that now the cards are stacked to my advantage in my marriage. And you know what? Even my mother-in-law told me something along the lines that she respects what we did (or should I say what we didn’t do?) and that most people nowadays jump into that too quickly. Thank you once again for guiding us ladies into a brighter future. ❤


  3. Ashley

    Wow! I really didn’t know about the disadvantages of oral sex. Thank you so much for writing about it! While we are on the subject of ‘Ten Steps to Win a Man’s Heart’, I have another question. What are your thoughts on being exclusive while dating? A guy who I have been dating for four months now wants to be my boyfriend. I have been practicing virtual virginity and he has been an amazing gentleman. However, I am also dating other guys in my search for the best possible mate for myself and have no intentions of cutting my search short for the tile of ‘girlfriend’. On the other hand, I would happily be exclusive if it meant being engaged and then wife a few months later.

    Your Highness Ashley,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    You’re blessed, young lady for knowing what you want and how to get it.

    I’m ignorant of your total situation, so I will suggest an approach, and you can tailor it to suit you, him, and your hopes.

    • What special does girlfriend give you? What’s so special about being attached to him? What does his title give him? Real or symbolic? What good can come from symbolic? All goes well as is with you two; why disturb the peace? Relationships change over the ‘darndest’ things. You do not want to commit so easily being his without working more for it than just asking for titles.

    • You may ask: What are some red flags that are easily associated with girlfriends? Boyfriends? He, of course, will not understand. Red flags are not good for the relationship you currently have. It gives you the opening to describe the next bullet.

    • Just the title gives the other person expectations about the first. Will they? Won’t they? Do what? Please each other more? How? I expect you will…. Can I depend on them for …? Where do the new expectations stop? Red flags will probably appear?

    • Then look for future options. What does boyfriend/girlfriend mean for the future? Inquire but be subtle especially about prospects re the ladder: Just what does ‘boyfriend’ mean to him? Ambitions together? Sex? Date no others? Just a relationship or a step up a ladder? Where does the ladder end? Your stepping into the future with him implies that you are expected to deliver a lot that he favors; what for example? That is, explore what the new game will be like.

    • Specifically, what’s a girlfriend supposed to be, do, and provide? In case his answers above are inadequate.

    • Also, in between all the other, gently peel off the outer layer of his thoughts about virtual virginity. Don’t bring it into the open if you can avoid it. (CHASTE IS YOU, so it isn’t a discussable.) Does he seem to be willing to go along to get along? Or is it a continuing disappointment that is wearing thin and he’s about to declare it null and void or else. IOW, is he running out of patience to honor your intentions? His discouragement is not a red flag, so don’t throw him out yet. Any threat to overcome your chaste practice is double red flag. Throw him out until he wants you more than he wants conquest for now.

    Convert all of that above to your own taste, intention, confidence, and situation. You want to sound natural, say as little as possible to keep him talking, and you should be sincere above all else.


  4. Jean

    Personally, I think fellatio is repulsive, sickening, and reduces a female to a human toilet. I cannot imagine any woman being okay with it except the most masochistic woman who derives some weird sort of emotional pleasure from being humiliated and dehumanized. First, unlike cunnilingus, it involves a man inserting his urethral opening into another person’s mouth. Further, the way it is practiced nowadays, the man shoves it down her throat. He literally stops her from breathing – because it really doesn’t matter if she’s alive or not. He slowly and deliberately suffocates her in order to “get off”. IMO, it is extreme sexual violence.
    Men call it “face f**king”, “turning her mouth into a second vagina”, “f**king her from both ends” and it proves that her face is not really a face, it’s just a second bottom – only humans have faces and she is not human. Is this what male sexuality is all about? If so, I honestly want to become a nun, because marriage is not right for me.
    Just thinking about fellatio – just typing this – I find it so traumatizing and sickening, I am shaking right now, I feel lightheaded and I am about to cry. If this is what men want, I don’t want a man! I’d rather marry a goldfish! To think that somebody I would give my heart to, would want to do that to me, makes me sick.
    To women : why? WHY?? How can any woman volunteer for sexual violence that simulates him killing you in the process of getting off (which implies your life is worthless)? It is simulated “snuff”. Even if you only put the tip in your mouth – you act like you’re a human urinal – just a c*m receptacle. How could you even consider your loved one doing that to you?
    I apologize if this is too strongly worded for some. I don’t mean to be offensive if I am. I am just so horribly revolted by the act. The mere thought of it causes me significant distress. I cannot believe so many women these days are so out of touch, and think so poorly of themselves, that they are actually okay with such treatment and would willingly submit to such an act. 😭
    I think if my grandpa had ever suggested fellatio to my grandma, she would have freaked out, sobbed bitterly, then promptly escorted him to church – because he clearly would have needed a refresher course on how God commands men to treat their wives.

    Your Highness Jean,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    I love it when pretty women so clearly set and courageously post standards that tend to keep the excesses of male dominance under control by women. It’s required for mutual respect and trust to prevail in society.

    Incidentally, the most conclusive evidence of dominance is a man’s ability to push his penis into whatever he desires. Permitted or not, it is part of his power game and insertion IS dominance to the male psyche.

    Respect of her and fellatio are mutually exclusive. His respect ends as penile penetration squashes her dignity and momentarily ends her self-respect. To yield to insertion is to lose his respect and thrusting deep to choke is a totalitarian-like expression.

    Thus, fellatio is the ultimate example of a man’s power being imposed. Her easy yielding earns disrespect as in all power plays. Once she is conquered for fellatio, her man’s respect is not recoverable. Tolerance replaces respect to become his norm.

    I am aware that fellatio participants disagree. Many couples live successfully with less than a full boatload of mutual respect. Men proclaim their respect. Perhaps even supreme respect, if she requires convincing. But respect does not follow the male’s competitive nature; those who can be totally dominated, who are unable or unwilling to contest a man’s pursuit of his goals, are not to be respected. So, manly claims to the contrary are self-deception or fakery.

    Many women can live with tolerance instead of respect. Given the male nature, it’s a sham but men can use words that make tolerance appear as respect. Moreover, many women prefer the certainty of misery to the uncertainty of change, and so they continue to live with less respect than they deserve. Their man gains more dominant power than deserved, which today is another cause of our society skidding downhill.

    Thank you, Jean, for stimulating my denunciation of another way that women subject themselves to overbearing domination by men.


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